Advice needed - turbulent relationship

[HelenainLondon]

Hello all,

I came on this forum some time ago and the advice was so helpful - it really changed my life. Fast forward 12 years and I'm in a different relationship but it's challenging. My boyfriend is a good man - loyal and hardworking - but the issues we have never seem to improve. I'm at the age where children are now very unlikely and it's making me think what to do. My boyfriend had a very difficult childhood - abuse and abandonment - and he is aware this impacts out relationship. He has recently started therapy, after a few years or encouragement, which does help. However I find we constantly bicker, criticise each other and I feel at a loss about what to do. I'm fairly independent but i want to feel loved and cared for, which I don't. I've always felt he needs to be 'looked after'. I don't want to give up on things as he has many good qualities but he himself is aware that he shares traits with his parents that cause friction with us. He said that he's only ever known conflict in relationships. He's wary of friendships through fear of rejection. I feel myself become more like him over time. He is a good person - so kind to my family, great at his job - I can't work out what is stopping me from really working at our relationship but also stopping me from breaking it off.

 

 

[basil67]

It's hard which you're at this stage of not knowing what to do.  I remember when I ended my marriage many years ago, the thing which held me back was not giving myself permission to question whether or not I still loved him.  I had been telling myself that I did, but in reality, I cared for him in a way in which I didn't want to see him hurt.  When I was truly honest, the romantic love and sexual desire was long gone.  

You say that you don't feel loved and cared for.  Could it be true that neither of you really love the other anymore and you're just in the habit of being together?

For what it's worth, if you're looking for someone to support you in walking away from this, you have my support

[Gaeta]

5 hours ago, HelenainLondon said:

He has recently started therapy, after a few years or encouragement, which does help. However I find we constantly bicker, criticise each other and I feel at a loss about what to do.

I'm reading he's making an effort by going to therapy so you have to make some efforts too by stopping your part of bickering & criticising. It takes 2 to argue so make a point to not participate to this toxic dynamic. I beleive to feel loved and cared for we have to give love and care. You cannot change him, but you can change your part.

Is this a new relationship?

[Ami1uwant]

Why not counseling?  Maybe his gestures, you aren’t responding too because they aren’t what you are looking for.

[HelenainLondon]

Thank you so much all for taking the time to reply - such helpful advice / thoughts that have made me really think. We've been together for four years - I'd say 50% of the time things are good, the other 50% of the time things can be rocky, but not always significant. I just can't work out whether I expect too much from a relationship - I know nothing is perfect.

[bene]

I think many women like to make excuses for guys treating them badly. But difficult childhood and other issues are not a free pass to treat people like crap. The thing is he is not destined to act this way, he chooses it or doesn’t care enough to do better.

On 3/1/2023 at 11:13 PM, HelenainLondon said:

I've always felt he needs to be 'looked after'

Some women are drawn to the “troubled” guys thinking theirlove will fix them and there is a prize of love somewhere down the line because the guy will be eternally grateful. Some think they don’t deserve better. You could do some soul searching why do you think you need to put up with it.

[Lotsgoingon]

Why aren't you in therapy? People who date other people who badly need therapy often need therapy themselves.

And I say that with no sarcasm or putdown. More, that it is quite challenging to date and partner with someone with serious childhood pain. For example, I sense a conflict in you. You're talking about how nice he is to your family. And how good he is at work. OK. Would you tolerate what you don't like from him if he didn't have his childhood pain? I wonder if you're grading him on a curve, a "I feel bad for him" curve.

I did something very similar to you and stayed with a person with a lot of trauma from childhood, trauma that caused problems in our relationship. And it all led to a disastrous ending. Here's my criteria after my own experience. I don't want to have to encourage my partner to get to therapy. I want to date someone who may be wounded but who has enough self-awareness and desire to heal that they will do that on their own. Sounds like your bf went to therapy because you encouraged for years. Oh no, that one does not work for me and probably isn't working for you. 

Sounds to me that you are conflicted because you are feeling sorry for him on the one hand and yet you want what you want on the other.  That's  an issue you can possibly resolve in therapy. 

BTW: You are probably deep down mad at him, though you are reluctant to admit it, for delaying therapy. After all, every week of his delay, every month and certain ever year, just meant more pain for you, right? And you can't admit that because doing so conflicts with your "nice" thing going on and conflicts with your "feel sorry for his hard life" thing.

But here’s the thing: you did NOT have to stay with him when you were hurting. You didn’t. So why did you? That would be part of your work in therapy? And then there is this: we are attracted to bad relationships for our own reasons, even if we complain. You want to get at the bottom of why you are drawn to this kind of relationship and why you stay, despite so much conflict and misery. And his hard childhood is not a reason to stay. .

So, you’ve got your own work to do. How soon are you willing to schedule an appointment?

 

 

 

 

 

[glows]

On 3/1/2023 at 1:13 PM, HelenainLondon said:

However I find we constantly bicker, criticise each other and I feel at a loss about what to do.

 

 

What are you both bickering about exactly? Are they recurring issues or different all the time?