travelling to pick up and drop off partner on the other side of the country

[sush31]

My partner has recently joined the army and is currently training down South (I am up North). His sister is getting married soon (also in the North), of course he would like to assist. The good news is, he got permission to go to the wedding. Bad news is, he can only leave the base for the day and needs to be back 10pm on the same day. He's only allowed to leave the base if someone comes and picks him up/drops him off from there, so he asked me if I could do so. This is a 4h+ hour drive to pick him up, then drive straight back up for another 4hours, and do the same again in the evening to drop him off on time. We would only be able to stay at the wedding for a couple of hours, the driving taking at least 12h on the same day. Although i know it's a special occasion (and I want him to be there), I honestly feel like it's a huge favour he's asking (crossing the country back and forth twice in a short amount of time) and I'm not sure how I would cope with all the driving on the same day (he can't drive so it would be just me). I understand that it's important for his sister too (she doesn't really understand that he can't have weekends off while training, etc..) and I wouldn't like to disappoint them both. Despite me trying to find a solution/see if it is feasible, he tells me that I don't want to make the effort to go. I am just being realistic (very tight timing = driving, getting changed for the wedding, driving back, breaks...). Of course I would feel bad if he couldn't go because of me. However I'm really not sure about driving 12+ hour in one day and making sure he's back on time at the base. Would you do this favour? would it be awful not to go?

[BaileyB]

What’s stopping you from breaking up the driving? You could drive down to him and stay over. Then drive to the wedding and back to his house again. Stay over, and drive home the next day?  

Or perhaps, you can drive to pick him up and someone else could drive home home? Another family member or a friend? 

Edited March 2, 2023 by BaileyB

[basil67]

Honestly, this isn't your problem.  It's not your fault that he can't drive.  It's not your fault his sister doesn't understand that he can't get lots of time off.  It's not your fault that nobody else in the family is offering to do one leg of the trip.  And it's not your fault that nobody understands that this amount of driving in one day is unsafe for you. 

Also, four hours each way is a total of 16 hours driving (not 12+) and add to that you're not having a real break at the wedding.  I wouldn't do this for ANYBODY.  And anyone can't understand that you don't want to drive at an unsafe level is not worth having in your life. Heck, I wouldn't even do the single return trip if they weren't able to be my co-driver.

I think you're looking at one very entitled family here.

 

[sush31]

5 hours ago, BaileyB said:

What’s stopping you from breaking up the driving? You could drive down to him and stay over. Then drive to the wedding and back to his house again. Stay over, and drive home the next day?  

Or perhaps, you can drive to pick him up and someone else could drive home home? Another family member or a friend? 

I would do it if I could, but he's staying in a military base during his training, so he can't accommodate. None of his family or friends would be able to drive down, I am the only person he can count on for this one. 

[JTSW]

Maybe you could pick him up and someone else can take him back.

It's too much for you to do all of it on your own.

Please don't do it all. You will be exhausted and it will be dangerous.

Surely he cares more for your safety.

[sush31]

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

Honestly, this isn't your problem.  It's not your fault that he can't drive.  It's not your fault his sister doesn't understand that he can't get lots of time off.  It's not your fault that nobody else in the family is offering to do one leg of the trip.  And it's not your fault that nobody understands that this amount of driving in one day is unsafe for you. 

Also, four hours each way is a total of 16 hours driving (not 12+) and add to that you're not having a real break at the wedding.  I wouldn't do this for ANYBODY.  And anyone can't understand that you don't want to drive at an unsafe level is not worth having in your life. Heck, I wouldn't even do the single return trip if they weren't able to be my co-driver.

I think you're looking at one very entitled family here.

 

It is 16 hours driving in total, I was considering staying in a hotel after I drop him off (so after the 3rd trip) and come back the day after. It would be safer however it would involve extra costs (hotel) on top of the petrol (more than 800 miles in total). Even if we split the costs, it's a lot of money/effort just for a  couple of hours at the wedding. 

[sush31]

5 minutes ago, JTSW said:

Maybe you could pick him up and someone else can take him back.

It's too much for you to do all of it on your own.

Please don't do it all. You will be exhausted and it will be dangerous.

Surely he cares more for your safety.

I told him what's bothering me the most is the fact that I'll be knackered after the wedding, so I can't promise to be able to drive again after the wedding as it wouldn't be safe.  

Edited March 2, 2023 by sush31

[JTSW]

11 minutes ago, sush31 said:

I told him what's bothering me the most is the fact that I'll be knackered after the wedding, so I can't promise to be able to drive again after the wedding as it wouldn't be safe.  

So that means you wouldn't be able to have a drink at the wedding either.

It's unfair what he's asking of you.

[basil67]

39 minutes ago, sush31 said:

It is 16 hours driving in total, I was considering staying in a hotel after I drop him off (so after the 3rd trip) and come back the day after. It would be safer however it would involve extra costs (hotel) on top of the petrol (more than 800 miles in total). Even if we split the costs, it's a lot of money/effort just for a  couple of hours at the wedding. 

He should pay 100% of the costs, including staying at a hotel each side of your journey.  But even if he did, I still don’t think you should do it.  

44 minutes ago, sush31 said:

I would do it if I could, but he's staying in a military base during his training, so he can't accommodate. None of his family or friends would be able to drive down, I am the only person he can count on for this one. 

If none of his family or friends are willing to do this for him, doesn’t this tell you that it’s too much to ask? They are all comfortable with saying No to an unreasonable request, so you should be too.  Let’s face it, if he didnt have a girlfriend who may bend herself out of shape for him, he wouldn’t be going regardless.

Why can’t  he drive himself? I admit that I know nothing about the army, but I’m surprised that he could enlist if he had a type of disability which precluded him from driving.

Edited March 2, 2023 by basil67

[JTSW]

Is there a travel bus that goes to his base area?

[IrinaM]

I would have no problem saying NO to such an unreasonable request. This is an incredibly entitled attitude to even ask someone to do this much for you.

If he really wanted to, he could pay someone to help him out. There are ubers everywhere, plus tons of paid driver services. He could've solved this problem on his own already.

Also, I think your SO is being very unrealistic about what this whole plan means for him. He thinks he's going to spend 4 hours in a car, make a quick two hour appearance at his sister's wedding (where there will be drinking, photos, dancing, all kinds of excitement), then hop back in the car for another four hours and arrive back at his military facility, ready to go to work the next day.

Life involves sacrifices. If he's serious about his military commitments, that will require sacrifice. I missed two family weddings during my first year of law school, and I don't regret it.

[sush31]

Thanks for your comments. He can't drive because he hasn't learnt to drive yet, and none of his family can drive either. As for transports, the army was clear that he could only leave the base if a relative came and picked him up, so he can't travel by himself and take a train. I understand why he's asking me, because he has no other choice (otherwise he would have travelled by train). So basically if I say no, he can't go. 

I think he realises that it's a lot to ask, but his sister doesn't seem to realise the effort (she just wants him to be there). So he's basically asking me this favour to please his sister. I dropped him a text explaining that we shouldn't go and that I am concerned about the safety if we did. I just hope he won't make me feel bad about it.

Edited March 2, 2023 by sush31

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, sush31 said:

My partner has recently joined the army , he got permission to go to the wedding. Bad news is, he can only leave the base for the day and needs to be back 10pm 

It is a lot to ask. Furthermore if something goes wrong, such as car trouble, traffic, etc. is it possible he'll face disciplinary consequences if he breaks curfew?  Perhaps he needs to discuss this with his superiors and his sister as to the risks of trying to do this with a day pass.

[sush31]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It is a lot to ask. Furthermore if something goes wrong, such as car trouble, traffic, etc. is it possible he'll face disciplinary consequences if he breaks curfew?  Perhaps he needs to discuss this with his superiors and his sister as to the risks of trying to do this with a day pass.

yes, I told him I wouldn't like to be responsible in case I wasn't able to drop him off on time 

[Wiseman2]

Just now, sush31 said:

yes, I told him I wouldn't like to be responsible in case I wasn't able to drop him off on time 

Exactly. He needs to take risks like this on his own. You would never be "responsible" because it's his idea to take these risks leaving the base. Agree you're better off staying out of it. He made a commitment to the military and he needs to know how to navigate that. It's unfortunate if he misses the wedding but that is in no way your responsibility. His plan seems risky and unrealistic.

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, sush31 said:

Even if we split the costs

He should be paying all the costs - the gas, the hotel, your meals. After all - YOU would be doing HIM a HUGE favour. 

[BaileyB]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

He made a commitment to the military and he needs to know how to navigate that.

I tend to agree. If you can’t find a workable situation like somebody else helps with the drive, he’s not coming. He did make a commitment to the military and that means  the military is his primary responsibility right now. 

[sush31]

 

4 hours ago, BaileyB said:

I tend to agree. If you can’t find a workable situation like somebody else helps with the drive, he’s not coming. He did make a commitment to the military and that means  the military is his primary responsibility right now. 

I think he's aware of that, but his sister doesnt understand it which upsets him. This and the fact that i won't drive makes him think that hes got no support at all

[BaileyB]

37 minutes ago, sush31 said:

his sister doesnt understand it which upsets him.

Of course it does, but that’s not your problem. The fact that his sister is upset is not even really his problem. 

It’s unfortunate timing, but he made the decision to join the military and he needs to honour that commitment. To be fair, if he plans a career in the military, this is the first of many such family events and holidays that he is likely to miss. 

37 minutes ago, sush31 said:

This and the fact that i won't drive makes him think that hes got no support at all

But, it’s an unreasonable ask. He’s asking you to drive 16 hours in one day AND attend a wedding. 

Let’s not catastrophize this - he has another commitment that keeps him from attending his sisters wedding. It’s sucks, but this is life. 

It’s not a failing on your part that you can’t be superhuman and drive 16 hours in one day to deliver him to the wedding. There are other options, like staying over at a hotel or getting a buddy or another family member to help with the driving, and if he really wanted to make it work he would find the money to support you in doing him this favour…

Can I ask why a grown man doesn’t have a drivers licence? Has he never learned to drive? It has he lost his license for some reason? I mean, to be fair, this could be an exhausting but memorable road trip adventure IF HE HAD HIS LICENCE and he was able to help you with the driving. 

 

Edited March 2, 2023 by BaileyB

[Els]

28 minutes ago, sush31 said:

I think he's aware of that, but his sister doesnt understand it which upsets him. This and the fact that i won't drive makes him think that hes got no support at all

Maybe he should have thought about that before deciding that getting a license just wasn't important enough to him to bother to do so before enlisting?

I mean, I get it, getting a license is a hassle. I've moved countries several times and needed to get a new license each time (as in, going through the ENTIRE process, including both the written and practical tests), and sometimes I procrastinate because it's a hassle. But that's MY decision and therefore if there is anything I can't do because of it, I understand and accept that it's on me. It's called taking responsibility for your own decisions.

This is not your problem. I can understand him being disappointed if you won't drive the car TO him, so he can drive both of you to the wedding (since he won't have a car at base)...  but expecting you to do 100% of a 16 hour round trip? No. This is for him to sort out with his sister. If it's that important to her, she can hire a private car and driver for him to attend. If it's that important to him... he only has himself to blame for not being able to drive. This is NOT your fault in any way.

Edited March 2, 2023 by Els

[ShyViolet]

This is a completely unreasonable request and there's no way I would do this.  As a matter of fact it's unsafe.  The fact that he can't drive and neither can anyone in his family.... yet he wants to go to a wedding..... I'm sorry but that is not your problem.  You're setting yourself up for disaster if you agree to this.  Be honest now and say that you're not doing it, don't lead him on to think you will, only to cancel on him at the last minute when you realize how absolutely crazy and unfeasable this is.

[flitzanu]

you'd mentioned in a couple of places that only "a relative" can come pick him up.

you're not a relative, and don't indicate that you're married, so how is it going to be allowed for you to even be allowed to pick him up from the base?

 

[ExpatInItaly]

49 minutes ago, flitzanu said:

you're not a relative, and don't indicate that you're married, so how is it going to be allowed for you to even be allowed to pick him up from the base?

I was coming to ask the same question. 

[basil67]

8 hours ago, sush31 said:

He can't drive because he hasn't learnt to drive yet, and none of his family can drive either. As for transports, the army was clear that he could only leave the base if a relative came and picked him up, so he can't travel by himself and take a train. 

Our actions have consequences: The reason he can't go is because he didn't learn to drive and is therefore not self sufficient.  It's got nothing to do with whether or not you are willing to make an arduous journey.  

And I also question why you're allowed to collect him if you're not a relative.

[ShyViolet]

10 hours ago, sush31 said:

None of his family or friends would be able to drive down, I am the only person he can count on for this one. 

HE SAYS you are the only person he can count on.  That doesn't mean that this is your responsibility, or that you have to do this.  There are times in life where we have to say no and not let other people take advantage of us.