How do I avoid being his rebound?

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, Gb85 said:

Now, he’s furious  saying he never Wants to see me again because I ruined his marriage and family. 

It would be best to assume that many things he told you were convenient lies. This was you can realize you dodged a bullet.

Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. There's no reason to communicate with someone with such poor character.

Is this the same man?:

 

Edited May 2, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Gb85]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

There's no reason to communicate with someone with such poor character.

This is what’s alarming- that I still want to. That I assume that if I’d just been “better,” then he would’ve started a proper relationship instead of choosing to two-time me and his wife. That maybe he isn’t that bad for going home to her yet sexting me almost the whole time. Recently he went out to breakfast w my daughter & me, and he literally almost ignored both of us, not listening to her stories, barely even uttering a thanks when she handed him a craft she’d made (ignored me to text on his phone when I tried to explain her paint selections). At one point I saw him take a photo of his food, zoomed in so you couldn’t tell others were at the table, and send it to someone. I creep myself out that I don’t want to be rid of him 

[JTSW]

This is so unhealthy it's ridiculous.

Yes, the wife obviously has some idea of what he is getting up to but obviously doesn't want it brought to her attention.

I'm baffled why you reached out to her, because doing this is causing resentment from him.

I'm baffled why you are with this guy.

You seem desperate.

 

[Gb85]

9 minutes ago, JTSW said:

lI'm baffled why you reached out to her, because doing this is causing resentment from him.

 

Well, it seemed things were going nowhere, with him refusing to leave her. And why does she deserve to be lied to by him and no one tells her the truth? Obviously it wasn’t an open relationship or arrangement with which she was comfortable bc now she’s divorcing him

[Wiseman2]

38 minutes ago, Gb85 said:

. Recently he went out to breakfast w my daughter & me, and he literally almost ignored . I creep myself out that I don’t want to be rid of him 

Please don't subject your child to someone like this. If you feel compelled to continue with someone like this that's your choice, but try to protect your daughter.

[JTSW]

Just now, Gb85 said:

Well, it seemed things were going nowhere, with him refusing to leave her. And why does she deserve to be lied to by him and no one tells her the truth? Obviously it wasn’t an open relationship or arrangement with which she was comfortable bc now she’s divorcing him

So that's what your intention was.

Report him to his wife so she will divorce him.

Unfortunately this backfired for you because it wasn't your place to do this.

1 hour ago, Gb85 said:

he’d message me furious that he couldn’t see his child.  Then it would “die down,” likely bc he was feeding her more lies. So this most recent time I sent her undeniable proof of his sexual involvement w me. Now, he’s furious  saying he never Wants to see me again because I ruined his marriage and family. Why can’t he see that HE ruined it? What do you expect when you try to keep me as a side piece, never giving me a proper relationship?

What do YOU expect when you get involved with a married man?

Yes they lie, obviously!

He was NEVER going to be with you.

I think your behaviour has been very 'fatal attraction'.

Now he is running.

[Gb85]

4 minutes ago, JTSW said:

So that's what your intention was.

Report him to his wife so she will divorce him.

Unfortunately this backfired for you because it wasn't your place to do this.

What do YOU expect when you get involved with a married man?

Yes they lie, obviously!

He was NEVER going to be with you.

I think your behaviour has been very 'fatal attraction'.

Now he is running.

What, because he continued sexual involvement with me and talking to me almost daily for 5 years, I was crazy to think he’d want to be with me? And what’s so bad about being honest with his wife when no one else would?

[JTSW]

2 minutes ago, Gb85 said:

What, because he continued sexual involvement with me and talking to me almost daily for 5 years, I was crazy to think he’d want to be with me? And what’s so bad about being honest with his wife when no one else would?

Because it wasn't your place and they have a child together which you interfered with.

It was not down to you to tell her.

If he wanted to be with you he would've done so years ago.

But you never got the hint after 5 years so you decided to spill the beans to her in the hopes of getting him to yourself.

But now he resents you because you have ruined his access to his son.

 

[BaileyB]

You played your hand and you lost. 

It’s not a surprise that he has ended it - you broke his trust. You interfered in his marriage. It’s not uncommon for other women who tell the spouse to find themselves put out - 
 

[stillafool]

25 minutes ago, Gb85 said:

What, because he continued sexual involvement with me and talking to me almost daily for 5 years, I was crazy to think he’d want to be with me? And what’s so bad about being honest with his wife when no one else would?

If you really cared anything about his wife you wouldn't be having an affair with her husband.  Why didn't you tell him to contact you once he has a divorce and then you will have sexual involvement with him instead of doing it while he was still married to her?  You knew what you were doing so it's time to stop putting all the blame on him.

[Gb85]

21 minutes ago, stillafool said:

If you really cared anything about his wife you wouldn't be having an affair with her husband.  Why didn't you tell him to contact you once he has a divorce and then you will have sexual involvement with him instead of doing it while he was still married to her?  You knew what you were doing so it's time to stop putting all the blame on him.

For a year he said he was “basically separated” and “getting divorced” then all of a sudden it wasn’t happening anymore so his access to his son wouldn’t be ruined. I just think, how could he expect me to want to keep my mouth shut and protect him, when he was using me for sex without making any  commitment to me?

[JTSW]

1 minute ago, Gb85 said:

For a year he said he was “basically separated” and “getting divorced” then all of a sudden it wasn’t happening anymore so his access to his son wouldn’t be ruined. I just think, how could he expect me to want to keep my mouth shut and protect him, when he was using me for sex without making any  commitment to me?

So you acted selfishly and deliberately ruined his access to his son.

Wow!

[stillafool]

2 minutes ago, Gb85 said:

I just think, how could he expect me to want to keep my mouth shut and protect him, when he was using me for sex without making any  commitment to me?

You had a choice as to whether to let him "use" you for sex.  I doubt you did it against your will so you used him for sex also.  The point is why didn't you tell him to show you divorce papers before you started having sex with him?  If you wanted to be honest with his wife you should have done it in the beginning before the affair started.  Now it's just bad apples.

[Gb85]

Just now, JTSW said:

So you acted selfishly and deliberately ruined his access to his son.

Wow!

I told the truth when he thought it was just fine to go along lying to his wife and keep using me for sex on the side with no commitment. And when she and I spoke I specifically told her I’d never want him to be threatened with not seeing their son as she’d apparently been saying. HE chose to use me as an affair rather than be with me properly or never get involved at all.

[stillafool]

5 minutes ago, Gb85 said:

For a year he said he was “basically separated” and “getting divorced” then all of a sudden it wasn’t happening anymore so his access to his son wouldn’t be ruined. I

I see, and what about the other 4 years?

[Gb85]

2 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I see, and what about the other 4 years?

He said he was never getting divorced bc it would eliminate his access to his son and cost him too much of his money. Which I assumed I could change if I spent enough years with him and he couldn’t let me go. And/or who cares bc his marriage obviously was in name only with no real feelings, or else he couldn’t keep having sex w me

[JTSW]

4 minutes ago, Gb85 said:

I told the truth when he thought it was just fine to go along lying to his wife and keep using me for sex on the side with no commitment. And when she and I spoke I specifically told her I’d never want him to be threatened with not seeing their son as she’d apparently been saying. HE chose to use me as an affair rather than be with me properly or never get involved at all.

There is no justifying your behaviour and the fact that you deliberately acted selfishly and caused issues for him and his child.

YOU also chose to enter into this affair with a married man so that's on you.

After so many years it should've been more than obvious to you that you were just his mistress, nothing more.

You act like the victim but you are far from it because you knew what you took that risk and knew what were getting into.

Married men never leave their wives but what you did is unforgivable.

[stillafool]

3 minutes ago, Gb85 said:

He said he was never getting divorced bc it would eliminate his access to his son and cost him too much of his money. Which I assumed I could change if I spent enough years with him and he couldn’t let me go. And/or who cares bc his marriage obviously was in name only with no real feelings, or else he couldn’t keep having sex w me

Well you knew in the beginning that he said he would never divorce, why did you get involved?  Why do you continue to shift the blame to him rather than acknowledge the poor choices you made that lead to this pain.  You can't control his actions, only yours.

[Gb85]

14 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Well you knew in the beginning that he said he would never divorce, why did you get involved?  Why do you continue to shift the blame to him rather than acknowledge the poor choices you made that lead to this pain.  You can't control his actions, only yours.

People can always change their minds. I couldn’t fathom that after 5 years of intimate involvement with me he’d still think just using me on the side and being a cheater was the way to go. It’s so unfair for me to be expected to stand by and watch him play happy family with another woman while he has sex with me and takes my time and attention, yet can’t even do me the honor of a real public relationship. Unfair to expect me to lie along with him rather than tell the truth. I’m not a dishonest person. And he continued to see and have sex with me after he knew full well the things I’d sent to his wife.

Edited May 2, 2023 by Gb85

[BaileyB]

27 minutes ago, Gb85 said:

For a year he said he was “basically separated” and “getting divorced”

To any woman, that should mean - he is still married and then, unavailable to be in a relationship with me.

You are responsible for your decision to get with a married man. You should be asking yourself why you chose to get involved with a man who was married to another woman - not, why didn’t he follow through on his promise to leave and why is he now blaming me for the end of his marriage.

When I read these posts I see two people playing the blame game - neither taking responsibility for their own decisions. It goes without saying, nothing healthy can come from this…

[BaileyB]

9 minutes ago, Gb85 said:

I couldn’t fathom that after 5 years of intimate involvement with me he’d still think just using me on the side and being a cheater was the way to go.

He is not you, and you are not him. Just because you couldn’t fathom that he wouldn’t one day want to make good on the investment of a five year relationship with you does not mean that he feels the same - especially considering that he had 5+years invested in his marriage and they shared a child. Obviously, you underestimated his investment with his family and overestimated his investment with you. 

As I said above, you gambled and you lost. And now, you claim the game was rigged. You claim that the casino took advantage of you.  I don’t think so - you gambled and it didn’t work out for you. What you fail to recognize was that the house was always against you… you should never have played here. 

9 minutes ago, Gb85 said:

It’s so unfair for me to be expected to stand by and watch him play happy family with another woman while he has sex with me and takes my time and attention, yet can’t even do me the honor of a real public relationship.

You just don’t get it - he wasn’t unfair to you… you chose this for yourself. You had the opportunity to make a different decision for yourself at any point in these five years. If you are left feeling hurt and disappointed, that is not his fault - he can not use you without your agreement.

Edited May 2, 2023 by BaileyB

[stillafool]

Just now, Gb85 said:

People can always change their minds. I couldn’t fathom that after 5 years of intimate involvement with me he’d still think just using me on the side and being a cheater was the way to go. It’s so unfair for me to be expected to stand by and watch him play happy family with another woman while he has sex with me and takes my time and attention, yet can’t even do me the honor of a real public relationship. Unfair to expect me to lie along with him rather than tell the truth. I’m not a dishonest person.

You are acting like he was holding a gun to your head and making you stay involved with him knowing he was married.  Madam, this was your choice to remain involved and having sex with a married man for 5 years of your life.  I'm sorry you're hurt but take some accountability.

[Gb85]

15 minutes ago, stillafool said:

You are acting like he was holding a gun to your head and making you stay involved with him knowing he was married.  Madam, this was your choice to remain involved and having sex with a married man for 5 years of your life.  I'm sorry you're hurt but take some accountability.

I did keep seeing him hoping that he’d eventually leave his wife. I saw no reason not to expect this, as he was continuing involvement with me for years, so what feelings could he possibly have for his wife without being a monster?

[BaileyB]

38 minutes ago, Gb85 said:

I did keep seeing him hoping that he’d eventually leave his wife. I saw no reason not to expect this, as he was continuing involvement with me for years

You have some serious self-reflection to do, but I see absolutely no indication that you are prepared to consider anything other than your own narrative. 

I will leave you with this thought - each of our lives are a direct reflection of our decisions - when you make poor decisions, you really shouldn’t be surprised when you get a poor outcome. 

Edited May 2, 2023 by BaileyB

[stillafool]

49 minutes ago, Gb85 said:

I did keep seeing him hoping that he’d eventually leave his wife. I saw no reason not to expect this,

So clearly you didn't care about hurting his wife you just went after what you wanted hoping to take him away from her but in the end you lost.  When are you going to be angry with yourself about the decisions that you alone made?