How do I avoid being his rebound?

[Gb85]

2 hours ago, JTSW said:Wow.

 

 

It feels good to ruin someone's relationship with their child?

This says allot about you.

He will eventually make it right with his wife and child and you'll be left alone.

It wont feel so good then.

I didn’t ruin it. He chose to be so involved with me for 5 years, then lie to his wife, and she chose to get angry enough to use their son as a pawn. It’s not like I informed the child his dad is a cheater and liar.

if he makes it right with his wife (which seems like a no since she finally filed for divorce, after threatening it since even before I met him-bc of him leaving them in another country), then what’s the difference to me? He wouldn’t have been with me if I never said anything to his wife in first place, either 

[JTSW]

7 minutes ago, Gb85 said:

I didn’t ruin it.

You did. 

How would you feel if someone took your child away from you just because they felt selfishly entitled?

8 minutes ago, Gb85 said:

He chose to be so involved with me for 5 years, then lie to his wife

He did the same with you and you fell for it repeatedly.

You fed into his lies. 

When it comes to affairs with married men, the mistress will never be their priority.

You took a big risk to get what you wanted and messed up big time.

You lost.

It's your own doing.

[Gb85]

2 hours ago, JTSW said:

You did. 

How would you feel if someone took your child away from you just because they felt selfishly entitled?

He did the same with you and you fell for it repeatedly.

 

I didn’t take his child away. If he were in an open relationship/honest with his wife about the cheating, then what reason would my information have for her to be upset? And even if she’s upset about cheating, it’s her choice to use their child as a pawn and to divorce him

[stillafool]

On 5/2/2023 at 8:37 AM, Gb85 said:

HE chose to use me as an affair rather than be with me properly or never get involved at all.

No you chose to let him use you as an affair partner instead of you not getting involved with a married man.  You're not a child but a grown woman who makes her own decisions about her life.  Stop blaming him for your mistakes.

[mark clemson]

3 hours ago, Gb85 said:

I didn’t ruin it.

The difference is that for him it was inadvertent, while for you it was deliberate.

It's as if he made the extremely poor decision to store dynamite under his home, and you helped him put it there. But he didn't intend it to blow up. You, however, actively lit the fuse, and when it went out a few time, even re-lit it to be sure it would go off.  Extremely deliberate.

So, yes he did ruin it, but there's certainly a difference in intent. For him the ruining part (not the affair itself), was more of an accident/unintended consequence. Not so for you.

[Gb85]

Early on, I told him of a time when I met a guy online who, I discovered through Facebook, was currently married though asking me on a date. I contacted his wife. She called me “her angel” and couldn’t thank me enough. I am a very honest person and it just makes me ill to think of this guy‘S wife being a victim of lies and manipulation and staying with him only because she doesn’t know the truth.

[BaileyB]

34 minutes ago, Gb85 said:

I am a very honest person

You are not an honest person if you are sneaking around with another woman’s husband for 5 very long years. 

You need to stay in your lane, my dear. His wife will deal with her marriage and you need to respect boundaries and make better decisions for yourself in the future.

I can’t believe we are three pages into this discussion and you are still blaming him/focused on his wife and not looking at the decisions that you made to contribute to this whole situation… There are few people on this site who are so wilfully obstinate. 

Edited May 3, 2023 by BaileyB

[Gb85]

He chose to tell me he was getting separated. Then even once he said he’d never get divorced, it was reasons like “to keep all my $ and access to my son,” and he insisted they barely spoke unless it was about the child. So in those situations, what is immoral about me deciding to have sexual involvement?

[mark clemson]

It's reasonable to be angry if you were lied to. It's also possible he simply changed his mind.

At any rate the disconnect between "honest person" (at least WRT romantic matters) and having a 5 year affair is pretty strong. You told the guy's wife when you weren't interested or felt there was something to be gained anymore, and felt you had little to lose. Also, for better or worse, reality is that not every wife wants to hear it.

"Immoral" and "dishonest" are two separate things. Eating a hamburger is "immoral" for MANY people in this world, and not just in one specific culture. I'm not going to encourage you to lie or anything, but people tend to be honest mostly when they can afford to be and/or the stakes are low. People's morals vary, and studies have apparently shown that most people lie with surprising frequency. And you literally can't walk into a grocery store without being deceived and/or psychologically manipulated in a variety of ways.

I think we're all honest about some things, but "I'm an honest person" may have more to do with bolstering the ego (and to a certain extent what areas of life we feel it's actually important to be honest in) than actual reality. And that's speaking generally, not just your specific case.

I do think it's fair to say that your "honesty" with his wife was highly predicated on the specifics of the situation at the moment and how you felt about things.

Edited May 3, 2023 by mark clemson

[Gb85]

That’s a really thoughtful response and I think you’re right. Right now I’m just so distressed about why I can’t, for the last 5 years, want any other interested man (and there have honestly been a lot of high-quality options) more than him. He offers nothing. He scowls at my child, pushes my face away if I kiss him during sex-always has…. So WHY?????

[mark clemson]

THAT is something I'd have no idea about, but perhaps you could unpack with a therapist if that's feasible for you.

For better or worse, people fall in love with the wrong person. It happens all the time. Moving on is not only possible, but is your only sensible option here and I think you realize that.

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, Gb85 said:

Early on, I told him of a time when I met a guy online who, I discovered through Facebook, was currently married though asking me on a date. I contacted his wife. She called me “her angel” and couldn’t thank me enough. I am a very honest person and it just makes me ill to think of this guy‘S wife being a victim of lies and manipulation and staying with him only because she doesn’t know the truth.

Why are you now feeling ill after 5 years having sex with her husband?  Why didn't she deserve to be told right away like the FB guys wife?  You already admitted in this thread that you told her hoping they would split so stop the "honest person" act.

[Gb85]

10 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Why are you now feeling ill after 5 years having sex with her husband?  Why didn't she deserve to be told right away like the FB guys wife?  You already admitted in this thread that you told her hoping they would split so stop the "honest person" act.

She didn’t “deserve to be told right away” because the only info I had, from her husband, was that they were separated and  on the road to getting divorced. Then, once he said he wasn’t divorcing, he stated that she never even spoke to him unless it was about the children. So what would be the pressing issue?

[BaileyB]

31 minutes ago, Gb85 said:

She didn’t “deserve to be told right away”

She didn’t deserve to be betrayed. Full stop.  

This talk about whether you should have told the wife/or not, and when you should have told the wife is ridiculous. Don’t sleep with her husband - and there is nothing to tell. 

Edited May 3, 2023 by BaileyB

[Gb85]

20 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

She didn’t deserve to be betrayed. Full stop.  

This talk about whether you should have told the wife/or not, and when you should have told the wife is ridiculous. Don’t sleep with her husband - and there is nothing to tell. 

So if one is in a marriage where they refuse not only sex, but also basic companionship or friendship, then the spouse should ignore all of those basic human needs?

[Wiseman2]

On 5/2/2023 at 6:26 AM, Gb85 said:

 this most recent time I sent her undeniable proof of his sexual involvement w me. Now, he’s furious  saying he never Wants to see me again because I ruined his marriage and family. 

Have you spoken to him since?  She seems to know about it anyway. Let them figure it out. Focus on keeping him away from your child. 

[basil67]

3 minutes ago, Gb85 said:

So if one is in a marriage where they refuse not only sex, but also basic companionship or friendship, then the spouse should ignore all of those basic human needs?

If the spouse is miserable, then divorce is an option in most countries.    

And you only have the word of a guy who's a cheater and self proclaimed psychopath that this is the truth of their marriage.  The whole story could be BS

[BaileyB]

14 minutes ago, Gb85 said:

So if one is in a marriage where they refuse not only sex, but also basic companionship or friendship, then the spouse should ignore all of those basic human needs?

The spouse should file for divorce because that’s not a marriage. 

In much the same way that you shouldn’t have sex with a man who pushes you away when you try to kiss him during sex…

It seems rather obvious to me, not sure why you are having difficulty here…

Edited May 3, 2023 by BaileyB

[Gb85]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Have you spoken to him since?  She seems to know about it anyway. Let them figure it out. Focus on keeping him away from your child. 

Yes, he is trying to contact me again. I haven’t responded. My child really seems to be able to completely do without him 

[basil67]

9 minutes ago, Gb85 said:

Yes, he is trying to contact me again. I haven’t responded. My child really seems to be able to completely do without him 

Given how he reacted to your child last time they were together, I'd be concerned if your child was missing him. Bringing him into your child's life was not the smartest parenting move.

 

[Gb85]

4 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Given how he reacted to your child last time they were together, I'd be concerned if your child was missing him. Bringing him into your child's life was not the smartest parenting move.

 

Well this guy was the only one coming over when my daughter was a baby and her dad was being lame unsupportive MIA, so he’d just always been around 

[basil67]

48 minutes ago, Gb85 said:

Well this guy was the only one coming over when my daughter was a baby and her dad was being lame unsupportive MIA, so he’d just always been around 

There is no justification for having a self proclaimed psychopath anywhere near your child.   While you may be OK with having a man like this in your life, you should be making better decisions about who you introduce your child to

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Gb85 said:

 her dad was being lame unsupportive MIA.

Where is her father now? Have you petitioned the courts on your child's behalf for child support? Is there a court ordered custody and visitation schedule in effect? Does your child have access to extended family? Yours or her father's? 

This man is not a step parent nor a wise choice to have around your child. Do you work? Does your child go to daycare? If you want to date this man, hire a babysitter or arrange for friends and family to help care for her. Keep her away from him.

If you would like to continue a degrading affair, that's your choice, but you do have control over the quality of your child's life. You were quite clear that he is not a decent man, no less a decent father figure.

 

[NuevoYorko]

14 hours ago, Gb85 said:

Early on, I told him of a time when I met a guy online who, I discovered through Facebook, was currently married though asking me on a date. I contacted his wife. She called me “her angel” and couldn’t thank me enough. I am a very honest person 

I'm sorry but I get a chuckle out of that.  "Honest" people don't participate in covert cheating relationships, especially not for years.

It's interesting that you keep referring to this loser as a "sociopath."  I get a sense that you have tendencies of your own in that direction.  Getting involved with married men and then telling their wives gives you some kind of a charge?  Ugh.

[JTSW]

At the end of the day, nobody here is a victim.

Not even his wife because she already knew of his antics.

You allowed him to use you for 5 years.

You allowed him to lie for 5 years.

You took a chance to get what you want and lit a fuse but it blew up on you.

The lesson here is, never get involved with a married man because you will never get what you want.

Find a guy that isn't married, that can give you everything you desire.