Gb85 Posted May 2, 2023 Share Posted May 2, 2023 11 minutes ago, stillafool said: So clearly you didn't care about hurting his wife you just went after what you wanted hoping to take him away from her but in the end you lost. When are you going to be angry with yourself about the decisions that you alone made? I’m not. Hurt his wife?! It’s far more hurtful to her to be fed her husband’s lies and waste a lot more of her life being married to him. How unfair for her not to know the truth. And unfair to me to be expected to keep my mouth shut and lie to her also… while he gets sex from me with zero commitment. He could have either not pursued involvement w me, or left her to be with me instead of cheating. Finally, I gave him ample communication that I’ve never been a liar and don’t believe in concealing this affair. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 2, 2023 Share Posted May 2, 2023 52 minutes ago, Gb85 said: I’m not. Hurt his wife?! It’s far more hurtful to her to be fed her husband’s lies and waste a lot more of her life being married to him. How unfair for her not to know the truth. And unfair to me to be expected to keep my mouth shut and lie to her also… while he gets sex from me with zero commitment. He could have either not pursued involvement w me, or left her to be with me instead of cheating. Finally, I gave him ample communication that I’ve never been a liar and don’t believe in concealing this affair. If you had never entered an affair with another womans husband you would not be in the position of loser today. That is on you, not him. If you really wanted his wife to know the truth you would have told her you were having sex with her husband at the beginning not after you've been doing it for years, LOL. You wanted the sex with him knowing he was already commited to his wife, that's why he did it; so take accountability for what you offered him. As you can see, coming clean to his wife after 5 years of being available to a married man, yielded you nothing. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Gb85 Posted May 2, 2023 Share Posted May 2, 2023 4 minutes ago, stillafool said: If you had never entered an affair with another womans husband you would not be in the position of loser today. That is on you, not him. If you really wanted his wife to know the truth you would have told her you were having sex with her husband at the beginning not after you've been doing it for years, LOL. You wanted the sex with him knowing he was already commited to his wife, that's why he did it; so take accountability for what you offered him. As you can see, coming clean to his wife after 5 years of being available to a married man, yielded you nothing. True, all I really wanted was for him to leave her to be with me. But it seems that bc that means he has no access to his son and loses a bunch of money, and he doesn’t give a damn about cheating and lying so he can have other women on the side, he would never have left her on his own? I thought forcing the issue could work out in my favor when he finds himself alone and realizing that no one else woild really put up with his true dirty self once they knew Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted May 2, 2023 Share Posted May 2, 2023 5 hours ago, Gb85 said: So this most recent time I sent her undeniable proof of his sexual involvement w me. Now, he’s furious saying he never Wants to see me again because I ruined his marriage and family. Why can’t he see that HE ruined it? What do you expect when you try to keep me as a side piece, never giving me a proper relationship? That is so hurtful Well, if you had kept quiet about your affair there would be fewer problems for him in his marriage. There is an implied contract in an affair that you don't "break" the lie of omission. So you ruined it in that sense. Clearly the guy is a mess in a variety of ways. But I think the real question is, what about all this dysfunctions attracts YOU? Who "needs" to tell a wife about an affair multiple times? You weren't content with simply notifying her, you had to ensure the marriage was damaged, rather than simply leave them alone. Why? It's just drama generation, and extremely vindictive. You don't have a "right" to a "proper relationship". With anyone, but particularly with someone who's already in (what you consider to be) one. You were in the relationship you chose to accept. With a highly dysfunctional married person. You were only as "hurt" as you chose to allow for. You need to work on yourself. A lot. "Broken attracts broken." 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted May 2, 2023 Share Posted May 2, 2023 4 hours ago, Gb85 said: Well, it seemed things were going nowhere, with him refusing to leave her. And why does she deserve to be lied to by him and no one tells her the truth? Obviously it wasn’t an open relationship or arrangement with which she was comfortable bc now she’s divorcing him Please don't lie to us and yourself. If you actually cared about what she "deserved", you would have ended things the moment you found out that he was married, because nobody deserves to be cheated on. You chose to carry on with him for 5 years, and you only told her in order to take revenge on him. Which I don't disagree, he certainly deserves - but it doesn't change the fact that you wasted 5 years of your life on this. And you only have yourself and your own decisions to blame for that. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 2, 2023 Share Posted May 2, 2023 35 minutes ago, Gb85 said: I thought forcing the issue could work out in my favor when he finds himself alone and realizing that no one else woild really put up with his true dirty self once they knew You aren't the first OW to think that forcing the issue would work out in her favor only to find out that is the beginning of the end of their affair. Still, you would jump at the chance to have him again if offered and the most common way these affairs end is when MM takes his toys and goes home. Hopefully you won't be too old when that happens. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gb85 Posted May 2, 2023 Share Posted May 2, 2023 He wasn’t leaving her anyhow. If the best I could hope for before what I did, was to be a lifelong secret side piece, then what did I have to lose? Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted May 2, 2023 Share Posted May 2, 2023 (edited) The ability to end a relationship (albeit an ultimately unsatisfying one for you) gracefully and without unnecessary "drama-generation"/destructiveness? The ability to walk away with somewhat less of a sense of guilt? The ability to maintain some semblance of amicability with him, at a distance, despite things ending? If it was just a gambit to see if he wound up with you instead of her, or just "revenge"/vindictiveness for "having hurt you," perhaps it was worth the trade-off to you? Dunno, but in ANY event I think you could probably benefit from therapy. In the best case scenario you learn how to avoid red flags in the first place. Barring that, perhaps you learn how to end things in a reasonable way without causing "excess destruction". (And that goes for any relationship you're in, as presumably after this you're going to avoid affairs going forward.) I will edit to add: sometimes there is blowback from these things. One shouldn't be too cavalier when deliberately messing up others' lives. You've taken a risk, whether you are thinking about that or concerned about it or not. Hopefully you will be in a better place one of these years, and able to look back on all this as "the big drama of my adult life". That is possible for you if you take the right steps and get yourself into the right "place" psychologically... Edited May 2, 2023 by mark clemson 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BrinnM Posted May 2, 2023 Share Posted May 2, 2023 5 hours ago, Gb85 said: And/or who cares bc his marriage obviously was in name only with no real feelings, or else he couldn’t keep having sex w me Apparently they live in different countries (according to your OP), so yes, he’ll certainly have sexual relations with other women if he only sees his wife a few times a year. Not great, but many men who travel for work will do this. With multiple women, too. 5 hours ago, Gb85 said: I specifically told her I’d never want him to be threatened with not seeing their son And she didn’t listen?? You don’t say. Link to post Share on other sites
BrinnM Posted May 2, 2023 Share Posted May 2, 2023 33 minutes ago, Gb85 said: He wasn’t leaving her anyhow. If the best I could hope for before what I did, was to be a lifelong secret side piece, then what did I have to lose? Right; that’s the only way to look at it. He did you a disservice, and you did him a disservice in return, for revenge. I hope you’re done with this piece of work now. Seriously! You’ve spent way too long hoping that he’ll change his mind if he’s got no more options left. The telling the wife strategy didn’t work, thankfully (you’ll be very happy about this a few years down the road), and now it’s time to close this unfortunate chapter of your life. Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted May 2, 2023 Share Posted May 2, 2023 9 hours ago, Gb85 said: People can always change their minds. I couldn’t fathom that after 5 years of intimate involvement with me he’d still think just using me on the side What on Earth are you talking about? You and this idiot had a reciprocal relationship. If he was using you, you were using him just the same. You actually deserve one another and all the nastiness that you've created. But the fact that you brought your own child into this cesspool of bottomfeeding is impossible to wrap my mind around. Does your kid have another parent in their life that could provide some parenting for them? 7 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted May 3, 2023 Share Posted May 3, 2023 If you hadn't told his wife, then the marriage wouldn't have ended. So technically it IS your fault. Link to post Share on other sites
Gb85 Posted May 3, 2023 Share Posted May 3, 2023 48 minutes ago, basil67 said: If you hadn't told his wife, then the marriage wouldn't have ended. So technically it IS your fault. Built on lies, cheating, leaving them in another country and having sex w me while they miss him, and his insistence upon having his cake and eating it too… Nice marriage Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted May 3, 2023 Share Posted May 3, 2023 1 hour ago, Gb85 said: Built on lies, cheating, leaving them in another country and having sex w me while they miss him, and his insistence upon having his cake and eating it too… Nice marriage So what? The fact remains that you told his wife in order to bring this to a head. So your actions directly caused this Link to post Share on other sites
Gb85 Posted May 3, 2023 Share Posted May 3, 2023 7 minutes ago, basil67 said: So what? The fact remains that you told his wife in order to bring this to a head. So your actions directly caused this thats true, you’re right. And man does it feel good Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted May 3, 2023 Share Posted May 3, 2023 You wanted to tell the wife she was being betrayed. And you wanted to get with the betrayer. Say what? BTW: Marriages survive all kinds of chaos and unhappy periods--and bounce back or just plow their way on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 3, 2023 Share Posted May 3, 2023 (edited) 6 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said: You wanted to tell the wife she was being betrayed. And you wanted to get with the betrayer. Say what? Turns out, OP was ultimately betrayed by her affair partner. What goes around comes around… Edited May 3, 2023 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
LynneVicious Posted May 3, 2023 Share Posted May 3, 2023 why didn’t you just stop seeing him and having sex with him if you felt you were being used? You made a choice to sleep with a married man for 5 years and a choice to reach out to his wife. These are the consequences. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted May 3, 2023 Share Posted May 3, 2023 (edited) 4 hours ago, Gb85 said: Built on lies, cheating, leaving them in another country and having sex w me while they miss him, and his insistence upon having his cake and eating it too… Nice marriage Why is this any of your business though? You've been actively engaged in a relationship with a married man for many years. You are a full participant with knowledge of the facts, experiencing exactly what you've signed up for. His wife, his kid, your kid - none of them have anything to do with it, yet you are self-righteously wrecking all of their lives. Quote thats true, you’re right. And man does it feel good Oh, really? Why did you start this thread, then? It seems that you were not feeling so chipper about him blaming you for destroying his marriage? Edited May 3, 2023 by NuevoYorko Link to post Share on other sites
Acacia98 Posted May 3, 2023 Share Posted May 3, 2023 18 hours ago, Gb85 said: What, because he continued sexual involvement with me and talking to me almost daily for 5 years, I was crazy to think he’d want to be with me? And what’s so bad about being honest with his wife when no one else would? You make it sound like simply stopping seeing him wasn't a choice, and yet it was a conscious choice you made everyday. You weren't a passive partner in this sexual involvement. And there would have been nothing to tell his wife if you had stopped having sex with him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted May 3, 2023 Share Posted May 3, 2023 19 hours ago, Gb85 said: People can always change their minds. I couldn’t fathom that after 5 years of intimate involvement with me he’d still think just using me on the side and being a cheater was the way to go. It’s so unfair for me to be expected to stand by and watch him play happy family with another woman while he has sex with me and takes my time and attention, yet can’t even do me the honor of a real public relationship. Unfair to expect me to lie along with him rather than tell the truth. I’m not a dishonest person. And he continued to see and have sex with me after he knew full well the things I’d sent to his wife. YOU also continued to CHOOSE to stay being his mistress for all that time. You didn't have to. You weren't forced to stick around and wait for him. You need to accept that this is all pretty much on you and the choices YOU made. You chose this. He didn't really owe you anything. Link to post Share on other sites
Gb85 Posted May 3, 2023 Share Posted May 3, 2023 2 hours ago, Acacia98 said: You make it sound like simply stopping seeing him wasn't a choice, and yet it was a conscious choice you made everyday. You weren't a passive partner in this sexual involvement. And there would have been nothing to tell his wife if you had stopped having sex with him. But I wanted this man. Felt incredibly hurt that he was using me, a woman who honestly is viewed by others as having a lot to offer, as a plaything. To know how he sucked me in, made me feel so close to him, but just kidding he would never leave his wife? That hurts, and it also hurts to think he could have it all, just tell dirty lies and keep running back to his family, no consequences for him. Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted May 3, 2023 Share Posted May 3, 2023 16 hours ago, Gb85 said: all I really wanted was for him to leave her to be with me. That was never going to happen. Even if it did, he would've eventually done the same to you. 5 hours ago, Gb85 said: thats true, you’re right. And man does it feel good Wow. It feels good to ruin someone's relationship with their child? This says allot about you. It backfired on you though and you lost. He will eventually make it right with his wife and child and you'll be left alone. It wont feel so good then. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted May 3, 2023 Share Posted May 3, 2023 12 minutes ago, Gb85 said: it also hurts to think he could have it all, just tell dirty lies You fell for it. That's on you. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted May 3, 2023 Share Posted May 3, 2023 35 minutes ago, Gb85 said: Felt incredibly hurt that he was using me as a plaything. He wasn't using you. You're relationship was consensual and you knew he was married. It seems like you wanted more than he did. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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