How do I avoid being his rebound?

[Mm2285]

1 hour ago, JTSW said:

What exactly are you looking for OP?

Confirmation that he still wants you?

You told his wife as a means to get him to yourself, thus also causing issues with access to his son.

I'm honestly surprised he even wants to be friends with you.

 

I agre which is why I wondered if this contact had sinister motives or I was just so special to him and he realizes what he did to cause the current situation 

[JTSW]

1 minute ago, Mm2285 said:

I agre which is why I wondered if this contact had sinister motives or I was just so special to him and he realizes what he did to cause the current situation 

What HE did?

Start taking some responsibility for what YOU did.

Firstly, he's a cheating rat and will never fully be yours and you are not special to him.

He is guaranteed to cheat on you too. 

Why can't you find a man that doesn't cheat on women?

What's so special about this one?

 

[Wiseman2]

17 minutes ago, Mm2285 said:

 I wondered if this contact had sinister motives or I was just so special to him 

Do you want to be special to him? What "sinister motives", other than to keep hooking up by mutual agreement is there?

[JTSW]

You want us to confirm that he wants you and that you are special to him.

I'm sorry OP but your not and he doesn't.

I think it was just that the sex was good for him and he might want to continue that.

It sounds likely that you could up back sleeping together.

But you will be right back where you were before, with another 5 years of no commitment from him. 

 

[Mm2285]

1 hour ago, JTSW said:

I think it was just that the sex was good for him and he might want to continue that.

It sounds likely that you could up back sleeping together.

But you will be right back where you were before, with another 5 years of no commitment from him. 

 

I think you’re totally right. I’m trying to figure out how to have more- and by that I mean I acknowledge he’ll cheat on me too, but I just want an actual relationship.

[JTSW]

2 minutes ago, Mm2285 said:

but I just want an actual relationship.

I really doubt he'll give you that.

If he hasn't for the last 5 years its very unlikely he never will.

Edited May 23, 2023 by JTSW

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Mm2285 said:

I think you’re totally right. I’m trying to figure out how to have more- and by that I mean I acknowledge he’ll cheat on me too, but I just want an actual relationship.

I assume you are talking about an exclusive commitment which he will never give you.  He will still have sex with you but will move on to another woman when he's ready to commit again.

[glows]

20 hours ago, Mm2285 said:

Within a few hours he’s like “oh I can see you as friends after this divorce is finalized” and now keeps trying to talk to me as we always did. What is going on?!

 

19 hours ago, Mm2285 said:

I mean that guy from the other thread’s wife filed for divorce the same week we met. The other one’s wife filed after I exposed the affair which is why I think it’s interesting he wants to message me now-after being so mad

It may be closure, sex, anyone’s guess but I’m leaning towards loneliness and closure. You basically facilitated the end of a marriage and a total life chapter. It ended perhaps not because of you if he was already seeking attention outside of marriage but it did formally end in divorce after his wife found out about you. You might have been the tipping point or breaking point. Not all but for a lot of people I’d imagine you would always be associated with that.

If you suspect he’s mad then why associate with him? Keep in mind that if they have children they’ll likely always be frequently in contact. Does he still keep in contact with his ex? Would you be okay being a rebound? 

[BaileyB]

Maybe it’s revenge sex. More likely, he is lonely, horny, he has some extra time on his hands and he knows you are available…

2 hours ago, Mm2285 said:

I’m trying to figure out how to have more- and by that I mean I acknowledge he’ll cheat on me too, but I just want an actual relationship.

The bar is set pretty low here, don’t you think? 

Edited May 23, 2023 by BaileyB

[mark clemson]

4 hours ago, Mm2285 said:

but I just want an actual relationship.

Ok, but isn't that what single guys are for?

Maybe some sunken costs fallacy going on here? I mean sure it's possible he'll become single now, so perhaps you'll get what you want.

But I guess I'm wondering, why do you need "to win" and why does it have to be him. It's nice that the sex is good and all, but if you are attracted to the hot/cold and dysfunction and he won't kiss you etc, isn't an "actual relationship" going to be torture for you?

There comes a time in life to realize that maybe you've fallen in love with the wrong person...

Edited May 23, 2023 by mark clemson

[Mm2285]

I mean, he’s been around for 5 years, and it’s not like this is the first time I’ve told his wife stuff. He ignores me and gets angry for a while then bounced back. And he’s even had sex with me and spent time with my kids since this most recent incident. I just need to figure out how to get more out of this now that he’s going to be single. He keeps sending me junk about how he might want to see each other again once he’s “healed” but only as friends which is his classic emotionally unavailable Bs line he’s used for 5 years 

Edited May 23, 2023 by Mm2285

[glows]

Do you see yourself getting more out of this? 

Hopefully your kids aren’t getting too attached at this point, considering his issues and lack of stability or commitment to anyone.

[Mm2285]

I mean I think the pull for great sex and companionship could be enough, since he’s like a recluse and socially awk/dismissive per most who know him, I mean my son who’s 12 is like “he’s odd and doesn’t listen to anything I say” bc he just stares at his phone and is cold and expressionless and doesn’t even hug anyone and told me he doesn’t have feelings like at all period.

if I could figure out how to have a relationship w him, and yes I’m aware he’ll cheat on me, that’d be great. To each their own, you know?

Edited May 23, 2023 by Mm2285

[glows]

Yeah but at what risk though. So let’s say you assume you’re in a relationship with a newly divorced “cold” guy who has a cheating track record, sex is good and one day he disappears or you find out he’s sleeping around behind your back and gives you an STD without your knowledge. How does that affect other areas of your life? Being a mom? Or, maybe he’s not completely over his ex wife and still sees her or sleeps with her.

There are varying degrees of relationships and maybe casual is where this is at. Yet if it was, in your heart of hearts, would you even be here torn? I’d imagine a person would be having great (protected) sex, no strings, and in an enjoyable type of arrangement not having any cares at all. 

[Lisa]

@Gb85 and @Mm2285 are the same member.  The latter account is no longer active

[Ageless Wisdom23]

😒I think from this  much complicated matter with a married man, I would now learn to not get involved until you see proof in the pudding he is divorced.  This is just one more typical cheating loser who not only played head and heart games with you all that Time, But a wife in another country.  It is always Sad, Too, To see how the children suffer.  Sure, It's his fault for the Sneaky "Domino Affect," But knowing Me, I probably would have sat back and waited to see what this schmo was going to do.  Meaning, Not call his wife.  But I can see why you felt you had to.  I commend you for it.  Other than That, I would have walked away until he got legally divorced.  Many of these monsters never do.  This was one of them who had no intention of making anything legal.

Edited May 23, 2023 by Ageless Wisdom23

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, Mm2285 said:

he’s like a recluse and socially awk/dismissive. I mean my son who’s 12 is like “he’s odd and doesn’t listen to anything I say” bc he just stares at his phone and is cold and expressionless and doesn’t even hug anyone and told me he doesn’t have feelings like at all period.

if I could figure out how to have a relationship w him, and yes I’m aware he’ll cheat on me, that’d be great. To each their own, you know?

To each their own.

But again, you are setting the bar pretty low - don’t you think?

[basil67]

3 hours ago, Mm2285 said:

I mean I think the pull for great sex and companionship could be enough, since he’s like a recluse and socially awk/dismissive per most who know him, I mean my son who’s 12 is like “he’s odd and doesn’t listen to anything I say” bc he just stares at his phone and is cold and expressionless and doesn’t even hug anyone and told me he doesn’t have feelings like at all period.

if I could figure out how to have a relationship w him, and yes I’m aware he’ll cheat on me, that’d be great. To each their own, you know?

Your poor son seems like an afterthought in all of this.  Not only are you bringing a man into the house who is cold and rude to your son, but you actually want a relationship with him.  Have you considered what a dreadful role model this man is to your son?   

I know you're OK with being with this horrible man, but don't you think your son deserves better?   Honestly, I want to pick your son up and bring him into a household which has warmth and love from all inside it  

 

Edited May 24, 2023 by basil67

[BaileyB]

9 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Have you considered what a dreadful role model this man is to your son?   

Have you considered OP that your son is a pretty good judge of character and he has good common sense. 

[basil67]

9 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Have you considered OP that your son is a pretty good judge of character and he has good common sense. 

Yes, he seems remarkably astute.  

[6ix]

3 hours ago, Lisa said:

@Gb85 and @Mm2285 are the same member.  The latter account is no longer active