Unsureman7 Posted March 2, 2023 Share Posted March 2, 2023 Hi, I was hoping for some advice, me & my wife together 9 years married 2 years & together we were 18. around 3 months ago we had crisis talk to iron out our problems ( like some little things that make her happy which I had stopped not on purpose but through complacency & since then things have been amazing, I regularly buy flowers & arrange date nights every week so that we spend quality time together & always check in make sure she’s okay & put her first when in the past I hadn’t done. so here’s me thinking we’re great & last night she told me that’s she’s not happy with us & that wants to be free. I am shocked as I didn’t step in marriage & commit myself to this just to turnaround and come to this point, just to add there are many things that I haven’t done in my life that my young self wanted to do but this is the life I choose which is her. I am just lost it what else I can do anymore, & I have seen from other threats people saying just leave but that’s not what I want. Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted March 2, 2023 Share Posted March 2, 2023 43 minutes ago, Unsureman7 said: she told me that’s she’s not happy with us & that wants to be free. What does she mean by 'free'? Has she asked for a divorce? It sounds like she may have met someone else. 43 minutes ago, Unsureman7 said: people saying just leave but that’s not what I want. You may not have a choice. Maybe try marriage counselling? Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 2, 2023 Share Posted March 2, 2023 45 minutes ago, Unsureman7 said: 3 months ago we had crisis talk to iron out our problems last night she told me that’s she’s not happy with us & that wants to be free. It seems like you could benefit from marriage counseling. What were the 'crises' she wanted to talk about and iron out? Perhaps with the help of professional you could unpack and sort out some of the issues and come up with viable solutions. Is she threatening divorce? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Unsureman7 Posted March 2, 2023 Author Share Posted March 2, 2023 23 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: It seems like you could benefit from marriage counseling. What were the 'crises' she wanted to talk about and iron out? Perhaps with the help of professional you could unpack and sort out some of the issues and come up with viable solutions. Is she threatening divorce? I completely agree & I said at the end of last year but refused to do it, no mention of divorce, I agree that speaking to a professional would do wonders or just her individually as some times she can’t be so up & down with depression which then effects us. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Unsureman7 Posted March 2, 2023 Author Share Posted March 2, 2023 29 minutes ago, JTSW said: What does she mean by 'free'? Has she asked for a divorce? It sounds like she may have met someone else. You may not have a choice. Maybe try marriage counselling? So by free, she said no responsibility & be able to do anything she wants & be herself. which shocked me as I don’t prevent any of the above I only ever encourage it, I’d understand if I was control freak but I externally easy going, she hasn’t meant anybody else as far as I’m aware, well I am hoping some sort of counselling will fix this, as I can’t put up with all this much longer. Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted March 2, 2023 Share Posted March 2, 2023 21 minutes ago, Unsureman7 said: So by free, she said no responsibility & be able to do anything she wants & be herself. Which means she wants to explore outside of the marriage. Try counselling and see how that goes. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Will am I Posted March 2, 2023 Share Posted March 2, 2023 I wonder of your turnaround in behaviour addresses her issues with the marriage and if it may have come too late. Will your wife commit to couples counseling? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 2, 2023 Share Posted March 2, 2023 (edited) 4 hours ago, Unsureman7 said: I have seen from other threats people saying just leave but that’s not what I want. That may not be your decision, unfortunately. If your wife has decided to leave the marriage there is not much you can do - that is her decision to make. Hopefully she will agree to marriage counselling and reinvest in the marriage. But, if she wants out I would say don’t try to convince her to stay… That’s not a recipe for long term happiness. All you can do at that point is focus on yourself and take care of yourself. I had a friend who did this, married young and had three kids - had a personal crisis and decided she needed to leave her marriage because she had “missed out” on so much… Her husband begged and pleaded with her to stay to no avail… I can say with certainty, and she would say the same - it was all about her, it had NOTHING to do with her husband. He was a wonderful man, a fabulous father - he is now happily remarried and they are actually all really friendly. Having seen my friends go through this experience, I would advise you to get your own individual counsellor if you can - in addition to whatever marriage counselling that you may do. I’m very sorry this is happening to you. Edited March 2, 2023 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted March 2, 2023 Share Posted March 2, 2023 (edited) In addition to the advice provided above, speak in private with a lawyer for details about how to navigate separation and divorce. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Don’t beg or try to rationalize with her to see things your way. Pause and ask yourself if you can live with instability like this or a partner who isn’t stable whether mentally, emotionally or just not able to provide for you what you do for them. You mentioned ups and downs with her depression. I don’t know the details to that but she should be seeking treatment. If it’s not working there are some tough questions you’ll have to ask yourself. Getting complacent earlier may have been coping strategies for you or becoming numbed out to the “ups and downs”. What does marriage mean to you? Start there and trying to figure out whether this is something you want as well. Edited March 2, 2023 by glows Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 2, 2023 Share Posted March 2, 2023 My point in sharing the above story is that this hasn’t happened because you stopped planning weekly date nights and it won’t be fixed with more sex or if you offer to do the dishes more often… She would actually be well advised to seek individual counselling herself - something has changed for her and she needs to figure out why and what she wants going forward. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 2, 2023 Share Posted March 2, 2023 9 minutes ago, glows said: Getting complacent earlier may have been coping strategies for you or becoming numbed out to the “ups and downs”. Agree. I would also add, anyone who has ever been in a long term relationship is likely to get complacent at times. It’s the nature of a long term relationship - it’s not easy to be completely invested and planning weekly date nights year after year… So, I wouldn’t take the responsibility on yourself. And it goes without saying, if she is unhappy in the relationship she also has a role to play here… You are not responsible for her happiness - she is. Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted March 2, 2023 Share Posted March 2, 2023 Unfortunately I've seen a lot of this happening in couples that got together at 18. You're just too inexperienced to know yourself at that age. Most likely she's been changing and growing since then (even in values, and maybe religion and goals) and it's really hard to notice that if you've been with someone at 18. You don't know that these changes are quite significant. Changes by one partner need to be integrated into the relationship in order for the relationship to continue. I'm going to ask you to cut through the fog and go for ruthless honesty. What changes in her have you noticed in the past year? Think about this way: any change is significant. Changes in what she laughs at can be significant. Changes in faith or activities. And her mood at home. What looking back now can you notice? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted March 2, 2023 Share Posted March 2, 2023 (edited) She may not have communicated what's actually bothering her, as she may not fully understand it herself. Some people - if you "give them an inch, they will (try to) take a mile." Not saying that is what's going on, but perhaps it is? She has seen you will support and accommodate her, so now she wants to simply be able to do whatever she wants without regard to you? If she wants to leave or see others, etc - you can't make someone want to stay in a marriage or stay loyal. However, I agree with the suggestions above to try couple's counseling if that's possible, as it may help her want to stay OR might help clarify for you what's really going on with her, as it seems ambiguous to you right now. Suggest you pick an experienced therapist who genuinely specializes in couple's counseling, if that's feasible for you. Also a very small, but real, % of therapists are weirdos or have their own agendas, so don't hesitate to look for a new one if the initial pick doesn't seem to be a good one. Edited March 2, 2023 by mark clemson Link to post Share on other sites
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