SparklingandBroken Posted March 2, 2023 Share Posted March 2, 2023 Long time no see, LS. I stayed single for a little over 2 years after my last breakup/divorce. Met my current bf on a dating app and we have been dating for a little less than a year and a half. The only seemingly red flag was that he was living with his parents since he and his ex had been living together prior to their breakup. I have my own house, and this didn't really bother me all that much. It made things easier because he always came to me. He treats me well and my friends/family love him. He has 2 kids, I have none. For a long time he still spent a couple nights a week at his parents house and did laundry, etc. It has come to the point that he only ever leaves when he has the kids overnight every other weekend, so essentially 4 days a month. I pay the mortgage, utilities, buy the groceries/household, etc everything involved in running a household and living independently. He does occasionally pick up groceries when I tell him explicitly what to buy. And he has "split" random costs with me, and has made repairs around my house. This had been good enough for me since we don't "live together". But now I'm like...don't we though?? Last summer, one of his friends was in town and made a comment to me about how he had told him we were living together half the time or whatever. And my bf frequently makes remarks about his brother who freeloads off his gf. It just brought awareness to our situation a little more I guess. He did make a comment like "I guess I'm kind of doing the same thing, let me know if you want me to help with any bills.." kind of thing. I replied I wasn't sure how to go about calculating that and he said "ok, I offered." His alleged end game is buying his own house. He has stated multiple deadlines now that are long game. We had a discussion that he would purchase a bigger home so that when we do combine households, we can just move to his rather than purchase an additional home. (I would keep mine and rent it out). I don't even mind that he hasn't rushed into purchasing a home. I guess what has brought up this bothering me is that I HATE my job. I feel like I am making myself miserable just to pay the bills. And he is living rent free with home cooked meals and all the mental work done for him in re: to the daily grind. This makes me feel a little resentful. What are your thoughts? Should I have a conversation? Should I wait a couple more months and see if he acts on this "goal" of purchasing a house? Another issue is that once he DOES purchase a house, we will be spending a lot less time together on the daily I would imagine. I kind of feel like he is dragging his feet because he is definitely a little clingy. But I am not ready to move in and deal with a house full of kids since I am used to life being one way. Nor do I think the kids would be ready for such a big adjustment. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 2, 2023 Share Posted March 2, 2023 Slowly but surely get him to live with his parents. At this point he's freeloading. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted March 2, 2023 Share Posted March 2, 2023 31 minutes ago, SparklingandBroken said: I feel like I am making myself miserable just to pay the bills. And he is living rent free with home cooked meals and all the mental work done for him in re: to the daily grind. This makes me feel a little resentful. A conversation is well overdue. Unfortunately, he's a freeloader and you're too generous. "Let me know if you want me to help with any bills" is laughable. First up, he should have insisted and second, he should be doing more than that. Tell him that you were OK with him living without paying initially because the expectation was that he'd have bought a house by now. But as this hasn't happened, you need to make some changes so that this is equitable. Don't let him guilt you into thinking that you're asking too much. If he doesn't like paying and helping out at your place, then tell him he's free to live elsewhere. 1. Charge him a level of rent which would cover both accommodation and utilities. To figure this out, look at adverts for house share in your area. This will give you a good idea of what a room costs and charge him that amount, with the understanding that it covers both accommodation and his share of the utilities 2. If he's not doing it already, he should be doing half the housework 3. He should pay half the food bill 4. He should do half of the meal prep and/or clean up with you. 5 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SparklingandBroken Posted March 2, 2023 Author Share Posted March 2, 2023 30 minutes ago, basil67 said: 1. Charge him a level of rent which would cover both accommodation and utilities. To figure this out, look at adverts for house share in your area. This will give you a good idea of what a room costs and charge him that amount, with the understanding that it covers both accommodation and his share of the utilities 2. If he's not doing it already, he should be doing half the housework 3. He should pay half the food bill 4. He should do half of the meal prep and/or clean up with you. I just sat down and calculated the average utilities and mortgage to equal $1490. So $25/day and he is here 26 days a month which is $650. I feel like that is more than fair. If he doesn't like that, then he can go pay $1500 by himself like I've been doing. That's not even counting food. I am nervous to have this conversation. He is not the type to get angry and yell, but he is just ALOOF. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted March 2, 2023 Share Posted March 2, 2023 Give him an amount to pay you monthly that includes fair market rent for a room mate (that’s what he is) also includes utilities and food. he is mooching off of you - when you have him pay - you will find out if he is a guy who understands “being fair/moral”. anyone else who would be living with you would be paying to live there! Heck - HE should be cooking and cleaning at least half the time as well. Do it now. You’ll find out his intentions too. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SparklingandBroken Posted March 2, 2023 Author Share Posted March 2, 2023 4 minutes ago, S2B said: Give him an amount to pay you monthly that includes fair market rent for a room mate (that’s what he is) also includes utilities and food. he is mooching off of you - when you have him pay - you will find out if he is a guy who understands “being fair/moral”. anyone else who would be living with you would be paying to live there! Heck - HE should be cooking and cleaning at least half the time as well. Do it now. You’ll find out his intentions too. Thanks for the encouragement and advice. How do I bring it up? Maybe something like "I know you brought this up last week, and I've had the chance to calculate a fair amount..." He can tell I am grumpy, because I am staying busy instead of hanging out with him. Maybe I should wait until tomorrow? Or just bite the bullet... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted March 3, 2023 Share Posted March 3, 2023 1 hour ago, SparklingandBroken said: I just sat down and calculated the average utilities and mortgage to equal $1490. So $25/day and he is here 26 days a month which is $650. I feel like that is more than fair. If he doesn't like that, then he can go pay $1500 by himself like I've been doing. That's not even counting food. I am nervous to have this conversation. He is not the type to get angry and yell, but he is just ALOOF. Hang on, your mortgage payment isn't part of the equation for someone who's paying board. The thing with mortgage is that if you've got low level of debt, then he'd be underpaying. And if you've got a high level of debt, he'd be overpaying. The calculation should be based on what's a fair amount of board for a room in a home in your area, then halve it as you're sharing the room. If the indicative figure for calculating your rate of board does not include utilities, then add it on. Try not to be nervous. When you are looking at a future with someone, it's really important that money can be managed fairly. So think of this as a test for the relationship. If he readily agrees, then he's a fair man. If he gets the sulks, then it tells you an awful lot about him and it would be worth reconsidering. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted March 3, 2023 Share Posted March 3, 2023 (edited) yes, say you’ve been thinking about expenses and what’s fair for him being there. You do not need to give him your financial info. Include food into the equation. and just because your mortgage seems low - doesn’t mean he pays half that amount - what would he pay to live somewhere else? Then add food and utilities. have the talk now. He’s lived there free for way too long. he can move if he doesn’t like it. You’ll find out how much he respects and values you! stop letting him be a mooch! He may not be boyfriend material if he’s not thinking of YOUR best interest! Edited March 3, 2023 by S2B 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 3, 2023 Share Posted March 3, 2023 10 hours ago, SparklingandBroken said: Should I wait a couple more months and see if he acts on this "goal" of purchasing a house? Instead of calculating what he should pay as a tenant, ask him to move out. At this point, he's saving for his future by mooching off you and his parents. Immediately stop making home cooked meals and providing free BNB services for him. Keep in mind that you're not running a homeless shelter. It's unclear why he can't live with his parents and just visit/date you. He's not really building a relationship with you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted March 3, 2023 Share Posted March 3, 2023 You could be saving his rent money to buy a second home. why are you helping him to get to his goals? You could be creating your new goals - like using his money to buy a second place to use as rental income. basically when he buys that house it should be half yours - since he’s not paying you any money. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 3, 2023 Share Posted March 3, 2023 (edited) Personally, I think you are just going to confuse things more when HE buys a big house and you move into HIS house. I understand that you would keep your home as an investment and rent it out… But, if I’m committing to a long term relationship, I want my name on the title/mortgage and I’m going to expect to pay half the mortgage, taxes, utilities, and household expenses. I would not be comfortable living in a home that I do not own. Edited March 3, 2023 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 3, 2023 Share Posted March 3, 2023 (edited) 14 hours ago, SparklingandBroken said: His alleged end game is buying his own house.. I feel like I am making myself miserable just to pay the bills. And he is living rent free. Unfortunately he may be a nice guy and your family may like him, but he's pipe dreaming and mooching. You're miserable because you're doing all the heavy lifting. If he were financially stable and responsible, he would have a place to live after his divorce. Not couch surf at his parents and your house. It's a relatively new relationship and him moving in is too much too soon. Hopefully you're not afraid of losing him if you don't charge half your monthly living costs (not a reduced percentage). Are you afraid you'll see his true colors? Edited March 3, 2023 by Wiseman2 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted March 3, 2023 Share Posted March 3, 2023 (edited) Cut this nonsense about "my family likes him." There are families out there that like serial killers on first meeting. You are hiding behind your family. Does your family know that he is mooching? If they do, I can guarantee you that among themselves, without you around, they do call him a moocher. They'll say, "oh, he's a good guy and he's total moocher." You are living with him, not your family. Ignore that they like him. You're using that as an excuse to not connect to your anger and rage and feeling of being used. Connect to that feeling and address that with him. I have to tell you: I don't think it's good to date a guy who doesn't volunteer to have the conversation about what he should pay. And that you are upset about this tells me that you (pushing money aside) aren't as happy in the relationship as you seem to think you are. In other words, yes, his mooching is a firing offense. But I sense you're aren't that happy even beyond that. If you cannot raise this issue with him, then you are not ready to date. You are being too nice and too passive and being a pushover. Fix that and you fix the money issue with him. You wouldn't have allowed the issue to get this far. Edited March 3, 2023 by Lotsgoingon 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted March 3, 2023 Share Posted March 3, 2023 when do you plan to talk to him? Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted March 3, 2023 Share Posted March 3, 2023 If you don't feel comfortable talking to him about this then you shouldn't be in this relationship. It sounds like he would have been willing to contribute more financially but you've been afraid to communicate with him about this and you've been allowing yourself to be a doormat and taken advantage of. It's your house, you are supporting everything financially and he's getting to live for free. Have a direct conversation with him that he needs to start seriously contributing financially..... paying rent. If he reacts negatively to this, then that's a bad sign for this relationship in general. If he gets upset, let him get upset. At least then you will know what kind of person you are dealing with. And it's important to find that out now. I don't know how a man would not be embarassed to live rent free in his girlfriend's house and not contribute financially. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
justwhoiam Posted March 3, 2023 Share Posted March 3, 2023 (edited) Wow, this is very interesting. I feel my point of view is so different, but I guess that shouldn't surprise me too much. I think how you treat that man mainly depends on who he really is to you. A man you're casually dating: have him pay your monthly bills any other months, so that one month you pay, the next he pays (that avoids sitting down and splitting, you just give him the bill, he pays), same things for bills that get issued every 2 months or quarterly; if you buy groceries and house products once a week, then he'll have to take care of it twice a month. Any rent you might ask should be agreed on, but it goes without saying that your solution might not be the cheapest one for him. Your boyfriend: (yes, you called him that, but I'm not sure he really is, from what I have read in your various posts in this thread) as you should have plans together, you should have shared goals, hence if he's saving to buy a bigger house where you'll both live, you should be the woman letting that happen. Which would mean I would ask him to look into his savings account to see how much he saved in this 1.5 year and how far you both are from the goal. That said, if you have no interest in a bigger house, you should let him know ASAP, because that would make you incompatible. He obviously needs a bigger house because he has children. If you love him, you'll understand. So let him be the boyfriend, let him treat you to meals out, let him go get gas for you if you have a car and pay for the holidays maybe. My boyfriend used to come to my house every night, and I would cook dinner for him every night, not once I have thought of charging him for that! It was done out of love. But whenever we were out he was always paying for me, I didn't have a car at the time, and he was taking me places, etc. [He was there every night for me, he could have gone home too (he was living with his parents too), but I wanted him to be with me and he also loved being with me.] A couple needs to fit not fight. If you are striving, then be blunt and tell him. He'll help you out if he loves you. You can't have him pay your mortgage, because the house is yours, if he were to pay half the mortgage long-term, then he should also own part of the house. Come on. What I really want to know is: how much were you spending before he entered your life, and how much are you spending now? That's what you need to look into. Because if the difference is $300 but he's doing repairs, buying groceries as you said, then you're even. Also, you not feeling comfortable around children is the most worrisome detail. Share that with him. It's quite discouraging, and maybe you need to break up. I don't know if you ever met his children, anyway, letting them into your life and you entering their life should happen gradually, and love should be there. Children are very perceptive. Edited March 3, 2023 by justwhoiam Link to post Share on other sites
Author SparklingandBroken Posted March 4, 2023 Author Share Posted March 4, 2023 Thanks everyone for the responses. We discussed it tonight and his immediate response was "of course, let's come up with a plan." He said he appreciates me feeling comfortable enough to bring it up and and that he said he feels bad that it didn't happen sooner. 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SparklingandBroken Posted March 4, 2023 Author Share Posted March 4, 2023 3 hours ago, justwhoiam said: Also, you not feeling comfortable around children is the most worrisome detail. Share that with him. It's quite discouraging, and maybe you need to break up. I don't know if you ever met his children, anyway, letting them into your life and you entering their life should happen gradually, and love should be there. Children are very perceptive. I have a very good relationship with his kids. And I agree that it should be gradual, which is why I don't plan to move in with them immediately when he buys a house. They have been to my house multiple times and participated in my family traditions this past christmas. But, being someone that has fun with them and parents them are two different things. They are not little kids and in my experience, when a new person comes along and tries to parent them that is when things go awry. If we live under the same roof, there is some degree of that happening. That was not the point of this post though. Thanks for your other input. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted March 4, 2023 Share Posted March 4, 2023 I agree your family say they like him and are cordial toward him because they love you. You're dating a fully grown man with children that lives at his parents, you don't find that embarassing? I would prefer being single than introducing him to my family. To me it's not a matter money, it's a matter of men's pride in being independant and being of help for the woman he loves. He does not have that. He's not going to buy a house, it's sand in your eyes. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 4, 2023 Share Posted March 4, 2023 (edited) 1 hour ago, SparklingandBroken said: But, being someone that has fun with them and parents them are two different things. You are not their parent, so you don’t have to worry about parenting them - that’s his job. And their mother’s job. Of course, it’s very different living with his children vs. hanging out for dinner and watching movies together. You need to be prepared for that but parenting his children shouldn’t be your responsibility. Edited March 4, 2023 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted March 4, 2023 Share Posted March 4, 2023 So how much did he agree to pay you? How much for utilities and groceries? does he plan to partner up with you about the household duties? and how much has he saved toward his goal of buying a house? Did he say when he will buy? Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 4, 2023 Share Posted March 4, 2023 7 hours ago, SparklingandBroken said: Thanks everyone for the responses. "of course, let's come up with a plan." It's great you talked. It's your prerogative to come up with a plan, since it's your place. Calculate your monthly costs and charge him half. Discuss whether he wants to be a tenant and sign lease agreement. Whatever you do, get it in writing. Link to post Share on other sites
justwhoiam Posted March 4, 2023 Share Posted March 4, 2023 17 hours ago, SparklingandBroken said: Thanks for your other input. Yeah, but you didn't share the most important information: how much more are you spending now compared to before he entered the picture? Link to post Share on other sites
semble Posted March 4, 2023 Share Posted March 4, 2023 18 hours ago, SparklingandBroken said: he said he feels bad that it didn't happen sooner. It could have happened sooner if HE had brought it up. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted March 7, 2023 Share Posted March 7, 2023 So how much did you agree to him paying you monthly? What does that include? did he agree to help you with food, cooking, cleaning and laundry around the house? Link to post Share on other sites
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