non-believer really digging a believer

[birdie_b]

So, that says most of it, but there are a lot of Q’s in my head about it, but I guess I gotta give some background, ugh, how to keep this short?

We briefly dated (really just a series of booth calls truthfully) about 9 years ago when my 25 year marriage was ending.  I wasn’t ready for anything real then and I think something about me spooked him and that was probably appropriate.  I was not in a reasonable frame of mind.  

A few months after it ended, I texted and asked him why because I was really missing him and feeling bad about it.  He told me some story about going back to church and I had no idea whether that held any water, and I just made the decision to take him at his word and move forward.

Then a couple of months ago he came back and now we’ve been seeing each other every day.  It feels like he’s my person now (I mean right now, not really looking into the future so much), like I’m not making plans for the weekend without consulting him and the like.  And it’s feeling really good.  It’s the first time since ex that I’ve had anything like this, although I’ve dated a ton. Just have not met anyone else I’d like to see every day.  

BUT I’m a pretty firm non-believer and I’m kinda scared of this church stuff.  I also know very little about religion and what it’s like to be seriously religious.  I know he’s doing this weekly virtual bible study thing, but he says he’s not going to church.  I asked him what denomination and he resisted, almost kinda acted like he didn’t know what I was talking about.  The only real clue I have is that he says he doesn’t celebrate his bday because of his religion.  

Is it silly for me to be scared he’s a Jahovah’s Witness?  Maybe that’s not as bad as it sounds?  Or maybe the info I have so far doesn’t point to that as much as I think?  I guess I’m afraid that he’s fallen off the wagon and getting back on would mean the end of us hanging out together.  I feel like the only things I know about Jehovah’s Witnesses is that they don’t celebrate birthdays and they’re not allowed to maintain connections even with family members if they’re not also members.  

This is only my first Q, but none of the others will matter if this one kills the whole thing.  Ugh.  

[basil67]

I think you're right to be wary.  But in all honesty, I think you could talk to him about this....it is a very reasonable question

[Alpacalia]

Various religions and denominations have varying beliefs and practices. He may belong to a denomination that doesn't necessarily align with your own beliefs, which doesn't mean it's a problem. My guy brought up the possibility of converting religion 7 months into our relationship if we were to ever marry would it be something I'd consider. In the end, I told him I am open to learning more about his religion but not interested in converting and he's been completely respectful of it.

Jehovah's Witnesses do have certain beliefs and practices that may seem restrictive or challenging in a relationship with someone who isn't one. When I had one come to my home recently, she came back a few days later and I told her I wasn't going to convert, but I would be open to learning more about their faith if I have time.

There are different levels of strictness or exclusivity among religions or denominations.

It's best to ask him directly about his beliefs and practices and how they may affect your relationship?

1 hour ago, birdie_b said:

 I guess I’m afraid that he’s fallen off the wagon and getting back on would mean the end of us hanging out together.

I'm not sure I understand your comment. Can you provide more context for your comment?

Ultimately, it's up to you to decide what you are comfortable with. If his religious beliefs or practices are incompatible with your own values or if they make you uncomfortable, it's okay to reassess the relationship and to make a decision that is best for you.

 

Edited March 3, 2023 by Alpacalia

[birdie_b]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

I think you're right to be wary.  But in all honesty, I think you could talk to him about this....it is a very reasonable question

It’s come up kinda lightly a few times, but I think we’re both scared to really get into it.  We’re at the point now where we’re saying things to each other that point to this being a little more meaningful than a hookup situation, but I’m not to the point where I feel like going on record with “what does this mean for my future,” if that makes sense.  It’s hard for me to imagine having the conversation about religion without also saying I want to be with him.  And while I’m feeling like I would love to really be with him, I’m a little gun shy.  I don’t know him well enough to feel solid about that.  But I feel attached enough right now that I wanna think about this risk and prepare myself for what may come.

I hope a lot that if this doesn’t work out because of something like religion, that while it’ll obviously hurt, I’ll at least feel better off knowing that it’s possible for me to really like someone.  

If we crash and burn and it’s ugly and hurtful, I feel better off because I had forgotten what it’s like to have someone be thoughtful and kind, like they like me.  It’s already been a much needed reset.  

[birdie_b]

59 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

I'm not sure I understand your comment. Can you provide more context for your comment?

 

I just meant that it’s possible that he’s not going to church/being too involved in his religion rn because he made a reasoned thought out decision about it that he feels comfortable with (doesn’t feel that way to me) OR he coulda just fallen off the wagon, having great intentions to fully submit to his his god/church but it’s hard, like avoiding your drug of choice, so he just hasn’t had the resolve to do what he believes he should be doing.  And very likely getting back on the wagon, ie, going back to church and doing what an upstanding member of his faith should be doing, would mean not being with me.

If he’s a Presbyterian, I think the challenges would be more surmountable than if he’s a Jehovah’s Witness.  But your post gave me the feeling that you’d see JW just like any other religion, nothing worse?  I’d love it if that were true.  But all I can think about is a guy I once dated who grew up JW and it has truly screwed everything up for him.  The worst of it was that when he left the church his mother cut ties completely because that’s what the church requires in that situation.  If a mother will cut her son off bc they asked her too, I don’t think I stand a chance in this situation.

[Alpacalia]

21 hours ago, birdie_b said:

But your post gave me the feeling that you’d see JW just like any other religion, nothing worse?  I’d love it if that were true.  

Honestly, I don't know a whole lot about JWs except from what I've experienced that they are quite evangelical.

It would be a good idea to ask him about his faith. Him dating a non-witness might be a big problem for both him and his church.

From what you've posted about your friend (his mother cutting her son off) it seems that some take it quite seriously.

Like, is dating for him taken so seriously within his faith where it is considered a step toward marriage and only acceptable to date people of the same faith?

Edited March 4, 2023 by Alpacalia

[birdie_b]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

From what you've posted about your friend (his mother cutting her son off) it seems that some take it quite seriously.

Like, is dating for him taken so seriously within his faith where it is considered a step toward marriage and only acceptable to date people of the same faith?

I don’t know a whole lot about JW, but I do believe that they’re very insular and don’t *allow* their members to have any social relationships outside the church.  That’s what scares me, tho if he was a JW, I think it’s unlikely that we’d be able to make it work even if that weren’t true.  Sadly, I don’t know if I can handle a partner who talks about demons as if they were actual beings.  It feels no different than having a convo w an adult and then telling me what the Easter bunny brought them and completely believed they were real.  Ugh.  It’s bumming me out.  😩

[S2B]

When I was young- I seriously dated a very kind guy who was JW. They constantly made it clear I was to be in the outside of any family gatherings. My sister got married - he wouldn’t come into the church. He waited down the way [ ]
when I had a birthday - no happy birthday was said from him - no gift. A sneaky gift a few days later “for no reason”

no holidays acknowledged - if we were out and someone said “merry Christmas” he just smiled and then it was awkward because he was never going to say it back.

all holidays were without him. 

BUT - they did t believe in sex before marriage - but he didn’t follow that rule!

[ ] 

and also - you know those people who knock on your door to leave you “the Watchtower” info/ pamphlets - yes, that is the JW folks. They are required to do that once a week. 

Edited March 4, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
emojis removed/civility

[Acacia98]

The conversation may be difficult, but you need to talk to him about his religion and his relationship to it and what he believes and doesn't believe and whether dating you or, ultimately, marrying you (a non-believer) is in conflict with that and how children would fit into the equation. If he's just looking for a casual hookup and has no intention on going down that road with you, that would be good to know.

If you're gonna date someone with a different cultural or religious background from your own, you can't afford to bury your head in the sand and hope for the best. There are some things you need to understand before you get too deeply involved to better protect yourself (emotionally). 

Edited March 4, 2023 by Acacia98

[Lisa]

Thread closed pending moderator discussion