5 Months Later and I Still Can't Get Over Him

[Jeannie]

Thanks everyone - as of today (Sunday 11/6) I have not called or contacted him. I wrote him a letter (which I will NOT mail) in which I forgave him and said I was letting go of MY anger, resentment and hate. I can't hold on to all these feelings - it's been killing me. I have days where I'm ok and feel like I've accepted it's over then I panic thinking at my age (43) I'll never find someone again. I even had someone say "You might as well forget it once you hit 40 - the pickings are slim and you must ask yourself do you want to make a relationship work or be single the rest of your life".

 

Trust me people - if you're under 40 it's much easier. Being my age it's hard finding love over 40. So it makes you want to settle or go back to what's familiar, etc.

 

Beth, JJ and everyone - I'm going to follow my own advice and not call. It's been almost 5 full months and if I call him I'll just start the process all over again. He won't be happy to hear from me - he'll put on this fake persona and tell me lies about how great he is, how his life is just so wonderful and he'll treat me just like he did when he broke up with me - he'll act ruthless and smile at me and say "Take care hon". Ugh - just remembering him laughing at me and saying "Take care".......I cringe.

 

Calling him would give him too much satisfaction and then he'd run tell his sisters and mother "She wants me back but it's too late". Then over the holidays he'd strut around like a chicken with with feathers puffed out thinking he's God. He did once tell me "You'll never leave me".

 

If I came back I would only validate his pitiful ego and narcisstic personality that much more. I deserve better.

 

JJ (I wasn't being defensive - I simply wanted support). All is good - you're my bud. It's just my anger and emotions spilling out all over the place - didn't mean to put you in my line of fire.

 

Beth - you're my angel!

[JohnJohn]

JJ (I wasn't being defensive - I simply wanted support). All is good - you're my bud. It's just my anger and emotions spilling out all over the place - didn't mean to put you in my line of fire.

 

No worries. I understand. Sometimes my "advice" can come across kinda harsh even though I mean it with good intentions. I've always been one to tell it like it is rather than sugar-coat things too much.

 

Anyway, there must be something in the air as I too am having another relapse. I know I am too strong to break NC, but I am just tired of these ups and downs. We all seem to be on the same page lately. Must be something in the stars, I don't know.

 

I agree with what you said about being over 40. I am 40 and I definitely can relate on the pickens being slim. I don't doubt that I will ever find love again. I'm actually sure I will. It's just that I know it will take more time, most likely, than it would have when I was younger.

[Jeannie]

JJ I think my problem is knowing the holidays are so close! Being alone and going thru this is tough especially this time of the year. I have no other family left (both parents are dead) except for two older brothers who are not supportive and my niece who's in the Army over in South Korea and of course my teenage son (who's in his own world and has no clue I exist other than to cook his meals and wash his clothes). My son is great but I'm letting him do his own thing and have his space, privacy, friends, etc.

 

So I'm kinda alone - my friends are there and they've taken me to lunch, dinner, etc. but they're wrapped up in their lives and can only take so much of me fretting over my ex. I try not to burden them at all anymore and just have fun with them.

 

What hurts is my ex has a big family. He's up at the ranch this weekend with his dad and all the guys for hunting season. He's got a huge support system (who feeds his ego) and he's got sisters and a mother who just worship him because he's the only son/brother. I on the other hand don't have all of that. I don't have anyone other than you guys to tell me "You're a good person, you deserve better, etc".

 

Whatever he tells his family they believe. I'm the girl he loved who couldn't commit, I was cold and uncaring, I wouldn't cook him enough meals and cater to his needs so off with my head. His sisters are probably already trying to set him up with other girls, he's having a great time at the ranch with all the guys, etc.

 

I am jealous someone so narcistic and self absorbed has a huge family support system while I have no one and I tried so hard to be genunie and real in our relationship. The problem was he wanted to rush marriage and love so fast I was uncertain if he really loved me - he seemed to anxious to fill a void and only want a "wife" in his home taking care of his needs.

 

I wanted to be with him but I felt we needed more time - especially since we have two teenage boys who are total opposites. My son was leery of moving into their house. His son picked on my son and bullied him so my son was not happy about giving up his life to put up with all of that. I sided with my son because if he and his son couldn't accept my son - it wasn't going to work.

 

I was told I should force my son to adjust and that he needs a father, etc. That weighed heavily on me (I'm widowed). So giving up the chance for my son to have a father and a large family was tough. He told me my son was too soft and he needed to toughen up a bit, etc.

 

I can go on and on but one last thing is that my ex was a close friend of my late husband. When we got together it was fate because he was now divorced and had moved across town into my neighborhood. His son and my son ended up at the same school and that's how our paths crossed and we got together.

 

I thought since I no longer had my late husband - this guy would be the next best thing since they were such good friends. I had hopes for a second chance with my ex but somehow it got screwed up and because I couldn't rush into committment - he ended up dumping me and hating me for it.

 

This is why it's so hard to let go.

[downcydeguy]

Writing the letter and not mailing it is a great idea. I have found this to be very helpful for me as well. My ex has been in Spain since August and I, being a traditionalist, wrote letters daily. After it ended, I continued to write but never sent them. It kind of gives a feeling that I'm still talking with her about everything - even though she'll never read them. That has been a big help for my healing thus far. Also, I don't write EVERY day anymore. They're becoming less and less as the time passes, and it's been 3 weeks. Maybe this can work for you as well.

[upsetnhurt]

Jeannie,

 

Don't assume that life is so rosy for him nowadays. I am sure he thinks about you often and reminisces of the past. The only difference is that he is not clinging onto the hope of reconciliation and has begun the healing process a bit quicker than you. All he is trying to do is take life day by day and enjoy it the best way that he knows how. Don't underestimate yourself as you sound like a wonderful lady and one that noone can forget about. So sorry you are going through these difficulties yet keep in mind that everything happens for a reason! Someone is looking out for you and your son I promise.

[LilChicki]

Jeannie....

 

You will get "over" him when your heart is ready. I felt the same way...I have been in NC with my ex since late July. I mailed him tonight ..to wish him a Happy Thanksgiving. I told him I am dating someone, that I am very happy and I wished him well. It felt good ..and he even contacted me back...saying Thank you and he was glad things were going well. I didn't even exect THAT reply, so I felt better about doing it.

You have to come to the point where you expect absolutely NOTHING from them. You can't ACT like it.it has to actually BE that way. I think my ex KNOWS I am over him..and felt no pressure to respond or reply..hence his response. It's very true that once yo let go...things come back to you.

[Jeannie]

LilChicki - why did you email him if you're dating someone else? That would kill me if my ex contacted me and told me he was seeing someone else. I'd rather not hear from him at all. Are you really dating someone else?

 

I've wanted so badly to contact my ex lately but haven't done it. For me it would devistate me to contact him and be rejected again. He broke up with me and has made no attempts to contact me - I'm not putting myself thru more pain. I've made it 5 months and am still hurting but I'm following everyone elses advice (including my own) and I will not contact him.

 

I firmly believe if it's ever meant to be he'll contact me and we'll reconcile. If not then God has other plans and has someone better for me.

 

My self esteem suffered a terrible blow while I was with him. I don't think it's healthy to go back to someone who caused me so much pain and who intentionally enjoyed making me feel insecure and bad about myself.

 

I'm sticking to the NC program.

[Art_Critic]

I mailed him tonight ..to wish him a Happy Thanksgiving. I told him .

 

 

I think my ex KNOWS I am over him..

 

You ex now knows that you are NOT over him.. cuz you emailed him...

 

you are soooo not over your ex Lichicki... Thanksgiving isn't for another few weeks.. How many times do you wish someone a happy birthday a month in advance.. you don't..

 

If you were over him you would not have contacted him.. and for Thanksgiving ??

[LilChicki]

I mailed him Happy Thanksgiving because I will not be able to at a later date. I will be out of town. Yes I am dating someone else. Just because people break up does NOT mean they have to hate each other nor does there have to be an agenda. I contacted him because I wanted to....no other reason. Contacting an ex is NOT a crime...or an affair. It is what it is.

He seemed happy to hear from me...and it ended on a good note. That was my intention.

[Art_Critic]

That sounds like an excuse.. Funny...

 

Everybody is out of town on thansgiving..

But we don't tell anyone happy thansgiving till it is at least a week or so away..

 

Dating someone else doesn't mean you have moved on.. It could also mean you are trying to.. but haven't yet..

 

you are not over him yet .. I call 'em the way i see 'em

[escapesher]

Hey honey, it's been about 4 months for me too.

 

For a good 2 months I was feeling great and feeling like I got my life 100% back on track and just a few days ago, suddenly I felt like I was back at square one! I've been missing my ex so much lately I just feel numb.

 

But we have to remember that we are NOT back at square one until we contact our exes. That's the breaking point. And it isn't worth the pain.

 

Just think towards the future. Imagine how your life will be a few more months from now. Maybe it won't be perfect, but you'll be stronger and will definitely be healed more (even if it's not completely visible). And one day, we'll wake up and things won't hurt this way anymore.

 

I can't wait.

[JohnJohn]

I contacted him because I wanted to....no other reason. Contacting an ex is NOT a crime...or an affair. It is what it is.

He seemed happy to hear from me...and it ended on a good note. That was my intention.

 

I'm in agreement with Art Critic here. Sure it isn't a crime to contact but you just said that you "contacted him because I wanted to...no other reason". Initially you said besides wishing him Happy Thanksgiving that you told him you were "seeing someone else and that you were happy". I think that's the real reason you contacted him - to let him know that. It just happens that we are near a holiday and that gave you the in you needed to make contact. If I am wrong then what was the point of telling him you were seeing someone else out of the blue like that?

[LilChicki]

Not going to get sucked into this debate about my contact.

I think you guys read way too much into things...and maybe you are a little too cynical. This also isn;t about me..it's about the original poster. I never asked for advice, so please keep the focus where it is needed.

 

Thank you

[Jeannie]

I've taken JohnJohn's advice and everyone else on here who's told me to stick with NC. I'm proud of myself. Trust me - there are moments where I've gone to the drugstore and stood in front of the "I Miss You" card section wanting to pick out a card and mail it to him but I've refrained. Then I've sat up late at night typing a letter to him - writing and rewriting it a million times only to delete the whole thing. It's part of the process.

 

For once in my adult life I'm listening to others because deep down I know why I'd make up excuses to contact him - simply to hope I can get him back. But if I got him back I don't know if I'd really want him - he hasn't changed. He'd still be demanding and selfish and even more so if I wanted to reconcile. I know him - he's narcistic and self absorbed.

 

We could have an entire post on reasons why we want to contact our ex and some would be halarious - like "It's Thanksgiving". Trust me - I've done some really stupid things (like driving by his house at all hours of the night) and I've thought up some lame excuses to contact him or even show up at Wal-Mart on Saturday mornings when I know he's there.

 

I've stopped myself from contacting him because I do not want to let him know I'm still not over him and I miss him. The point of NC is to give yourself time to get over all the crap, get on with your life and find a healthier relationship.

 

To me it's breaking an addiction. And I have to suffer thru the withdrawals and cravings. In time it will all go away and I'll be a much better and wiser person for having stuck with NC. It AIN'T EASY and the people who see right thru you are the ones you need to listen to!

 

JJ has gotten on my case and he's always been right. I know my ex too well and for me to contact him would only cause me further grief. I value myself and won't put myself thru that. (Thanks JJ for keeping tabs on me).

[smile95]

I thought NC was right for me and it turns out it was not..I feel better now that I have him in my life as a friend again. Some people do better with out of sight out of mind, but not me. I cannot shut people out and I broke NC and I feel better. I am not back with him at all, but it is nice to know that we still have feelings for each other even if we are not a couple....so who is anyone to tell you what you can and cannot do with NC? People can advise, but it is your life. Make your own choice. Diff erent things work for differnt people. DOing NC for 5 wks helped me see a lot of things and now I am not even trying to get back with him, just pleased to know he still cares and I was never forgotten.

[Jeannie]

Escapsher - thanks for your post! You're right! It helps to think our ex's are going thru the same as we are - somehow that eases my mind. And LilChicki - girl I know you're human and you gave in - you still have feelings for the guy obviously. No one is trying to be hard on you - we're all in the same boat and trying to help each other keep up the NC and get past these people who've hurt us.

 

It's great you and your ex spoke in a civil manner to each other. Maybe it will help you proceed now that you wished him well and vice versa. Sometimes letting go of the resentments and being nice allows people to move on knowing they can be on good terms. Who knows - hope it works out for you and you can close that chapter and continue on with your dating adventures.

 

I'm wanting to date but I'm afraid all it will take is one really bad date and I will want to go running back - so I'm gonna just let my wounds heal a bit more. I gotta keep it together thru the holidays - that's gonna be my biggest challenge. Me and my ex loved spending the holidays together. Not cooking turkey together, not sitting by the fire drinking amaretto - all those memories.....UGH! I'll be alone these holidays - it's gonna suck.

 

But tons of people are alone and lonely over the holidays - what doesn't kill me makes me stronger I guess. I dunno - I dread being alone.

[LilChicki]

Thanks Jeannie..I appreciate the kind words..... (See what a NICE, kind approach can do?)

 

My approach is mine and MINE alone..I am not suggesting you do the same. It took me months to get to this point, but I am glad I did it.

No Contact IS neccessary to gain the perspective you need. It may take longer or less than others..but you be true to YOU. Only YOU know what you need..and remember, you're not on a schedule nor are you being graded. So take the time you need.

 

Best of luck!

[LilChicki]

Just ONE more thought on that subject...

 

I NEVER said I didn't still care for my ex or have feelings for him...but

I have NO intentions of wanting him back.

 

Just wanted to clarify

[JohnJohn]

People can advise, but it is your life. Make your own choice.

 

Exactly. If you don't like someone else's advice, then think about that before you tell your story on here. No one intentionally means any disrespect. I think we all want to hear what we want to hear from other members. When we do not, we get testy. Myself included. Everyone has the right to their own opinion and if you can't handle the good and the bad, then don't post.

 

Also, let's face it. We're all hypocrits to some extent. It's easy for all of us to dispense advice on here to someone else, but then when it comes to our own situation then it isn't so easy is it? I've learned that myself after my own relapse recently. No one here, unless I am told otherwise, is a professional counselor so we're all going through this together.

[NewUser]

I've been through these threads and I'm curious about this: why is it that when the exes contact us to say something like "Happy Holidays" or to make small talk, it is assumed that they are only curious about us and testing the waters and not taking the first steps to saying "I miss you and I want you back?" But, when we who post here intiate contact to say "Happy Holidays" or to make small talk (I assume whether dumpee or dumper), it is taken as fact that we are really saying "I miss you and I want you back?"

 

I hope that question made sense...

 

If my ex sends me an e-mail or leaves me a message saying "hello," or something equally benign, I am to ignore it as nothing more than idle curiosity? What if he is testing the waters with all his idle chit chat to see if I would take him back before putting his feelings on the line?

 

How would I know?

 

By the way: I dumped him -- well, I wouldn't accept his *terms* let's say and so should I assume that he is maintaining NC because he doesn't care that I'm gone or should I entertain the possibility that he is maintaining NC in order to heal and move on or force my hand to return?

 

Seriously guys... if we are here, maintaining NC but still loving and caring about the other person, how can we really say that they are not doing the same?