If you stop searching?

[ZA Dater]

Maybe a bit vague this post but I have spent a few weeks doing some reflection myself, my life, my achievements and my goals. I also went back to OLD for two weeks.

Have any of you simply stopped searching for a partner, stopped trying to date, in other words just accepted its not going to work for you? If you have how did you find comfort with that decision and if you have did you come to regret it later on?

OLD is much the same as it ever was for me, no attractive matches, likes from people I simply do not find attractive at all. Look I was lucky, I was able to spent 10 months with someone amazing, I messed that up through a combination of indecision and fear. Over the past weeks I have simply realized I will never ever find that again, people try comfort me and say I will but I know I wont, nearly 39 with very little about me that can be deemed attractive would say the odds of me finding such a nice experience again are very low.

I need to accept what is but its actually a lot harder than I thought, by doing this I affectively make a lot of life very pointless and it removes a lot of experiences that I could experience with a partner. How do you rationalize these things and become OK with it? If it is even possible.

The bigger picture is my life is actually to a large extent dedicated to serving others rather than myself, almost all of it is sacrificed to the benefit of others. This is the one piece of comfort I have is that at least to these people I matter.

How do you once you have had that companionship, adapt to not having it anymore? I am finding it very tough most days, getting lost in work does help but there are quite a lot of instances where I am thinking that doing life alone is not really what is meant for us as humans but equally do I need to accept the limitations of my own attractiveness? 

The road is just feeling very lonely at the moment and while there is purpose I need advice as to how to best adapt to what is going to permanent lonely road. Again how do you deal with everyone around you being married with kids or being in long term relationships or just being so attractive they really do not need to do much to attract the people they find attractive. Envy is a terrible trait but every so often I find myself thinking just that. Again how do you deal with that?

[Lisa]

Moderator note:  OP is not seeking dating advice.  The topic is "Have any of you simply stopped searching for a partner, stopped trying to date, in other words just accepted its not going to work for you? If you have how did you find comfort with that decision and if you have did you come to regret it later on?"

[glows]

I’m in a relationship but probably do better without in the sense that I’ve never felt any longing to be with someone at all. Prefer being on my own by nature. 

I think being adventurous and willing to meet people and have random conversations out of nowhere with strangers (almost any topic) and the country/city I live in being the way it is, friendly and safe for the most part, has not ever caused me to feel lonely or feeling like I need a relationship to feel good. I connect with people easily and may be sitting on a patio having lunch for ie by myself and end up making friends with the table of people beside and we end up chatting throughout. I did that recently and then ran into the same people on a run later on while they were walking their dogs. More chats. 

Romance was once a priority early on but I feel like it’s a case of been there done that. As many of you already know I was once married, now divorced. I have no rush or inclination or even a desire to seek out a relationship but it happened anyway. I’m happy and content as we mesh in many ways but I still enjoy my own space and we don’t live together. 

[Weezy1973]

On 3/2/2023 at 11:53 PM, ZA Dater said:

Have any of you simply stopped searching for a partner, stopped trying to date, in other words just accepted its not going to work for you?

No. I’ve taken long breaks from dating from time to time, but always with the knowledge that it was going to work out, and it working out was largely due to how I went about dating and my mindset. And that’s what happened. It worked out.

[ZA Dater]

9 hours ago, glows said:

I’m in a relationship but probably do better without in the sense that I’ve never felt any longing to be with someone at all. Prefer being on my own by nature. 

I think being adventurous and willing to meet people and have random conversations out of nowhere with strangers (almost any topic) and the country/city I live in being the way it is, friendly and safe for the most part, has not ever caused me to feel lonely or feeling like I need a relationship to feel good. I connect with people easily and may be sitting on a patio having lunch for ie by myself and end up making friends with the table of people beside and we end up chatting throughout. I did that recently and then ran into the same people on a run later on while they were walking their dogs. More chats. 

Romance was once a priority early on but I feel like it’s a case of been there done that. As many of you already know I was once married, now divorced. I have no rush or inclination or even a desire to seek out a relationship but it happened anyway. I’m happy and content as we mesh in many ways but I still enjoy my own space and we don’t live together. 

You are indeed fortunate to live in a city like that! I suppose a lot of it is just trying to adapt to the now rather than try look far ahead.

I won't lie though it is not easy because I actually did want the happy ever after family type vibe. 

 

[ZA Dater]

14 hours ago, glows said:

I’m in a relationship but probably do better without in the sense that I’ve never felt any longing to be with someone at all. Prefer being on my own by nature. 

I think being adventurous and willing to meet people and have random conversations out of nowhere with strangers (almost any topic) and the country/city I live in being the way it is, friendly and safe for the most part, has not ever caused me to feel lonely or feeling like I need a relationship to feel good. I connect with people easily and may be sitting on a patio having lunch for ie by myself and end up making friends with the table of people beside and we end up chatting throughout. I did that recently and then ran into the same people on a run later on while they were walking their dogs. More chats. 

Romance was once a priority early on but I feel like it’s a case of been there done that. As many of you already know I was once married, now divorced. I have no rush or inclination or even a desire to seek out a relationship but it happened anyway. I’m happy and content as we mesh in many ways but I still enjoy my own space and we don’t live together. 

Do you think friend zone would be a fair compromise assuming I could find that? I had to just give up because not one attractive match just made me realise I am hitting my head against the wall here. Better to own up to being unattractive and find hopefully ways of coping being alone for good.

 

[glows]

1 hour ago, ZA Dater said:

Do you think friend zone would be a fair compromise assuming I could find that? I had to just give up because not one attractive match just made me realise I am hitting my head against the wall here. Better to own up to being unattractive and find hopefully ways of coping being alone for good.

 

Sorry, I don’t understand the part in bold. Are you meaning rejections from attractive people or people you’re interested in causing you to feel unattractive and live in the friend zone? Ie other people friend zoning you? 

If you want to be in a relationship I don’t think you should give up on that! I also don’t believe staying friends with someone you have feelings for is fair to either individual although not impossible. I think people grow apart like that and it’s not personal. You both want different things.

Why not believe everything is possible and fulfill those dreams? 

[justwhoiam]

On 3/3/2023 at 8:53 AM, ZA Dater said:

 nearly 39 with very little about me that can be deemed attractive

What makes you so unattractive? What are the elements leading to such a conclusion?

"my life is actually to a large extent dedicated to serving others"

What do you do? It sounds very noble.

"How do you once you have had that companionship, adapt to not having it anymore?"

It's hard. But many people go through that in life, even very abruptly, because of a death too. Fill up your life as much as possible with other things, so that you can feel that emptiness as little as possible.

What do you really find attractive? What was attractive in your ex?

[ZA Dater]

1 hour ago, glows said:

Sorry, I don’t understand the part in bold. Are you meaning rejections from attractive people or people you’re interested in causing you to feel unattractive and live in the friend zone? Ie other people friend zoning you? 

If you want to be in a relationship I don’t think you should give up on that! I also don’t believe staying friends with someone you have feelings for is fair to either individual although not impossible. I think people grow apart like that and it’s not personal. You both want different things.

Why not believe everything is possible and fulfill those dreams? 

Ok I have given up primarily because I cannot attract anyone I find attractive, irrespective what app I use. The matches I get are all unattractive due to to be polite a lack of athleticism.

My question here is when one gives up, them what, it marginally less difficult to be the helpful guy and get friendzoned by people I so find attractive because to them I have some use. 

That would seem to be one comprises if I can get my mind around the giving up part.

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, ZA Dater said:

That would seem to be one comprises if I can get my mind around the giving up part.

But you’ve been there, done that right? Wasn’t “K” basically a friend zone? All the posts you had about struggling at the time suggests the friend zone is not a good solution for you. 

[glows]

1 hour ago, ZA Dater said:

Ok I have given up primarily because I cannot attract anyone I find attractive, irrespective what app I use. The matches I get are all unattractive due to to be polite a lack of athleticism.

My question here is when one gives up, them what, it marginally less difficult to be the helpful guy and get friendzoned by people I so find attractive because to them I have some use. 

That would seem to be one comprises if I can get my mind around the giving up part.

Is it giving up or a shift in priorities? I’d go back to the drawing board here and figure out what’s important to you. I think it’s important staying driven and motivated and engaged most of all in life. Life in general. Not passively letting moments pass or living a second rate version of what you believe. Don’t let it pass you by.

Being realistic helps also. You like athletic women. Are you also of athletic build or have similar interests? Why not join a sports team or meet people of similar interests? I live on the west coast in an almost overabundantly and comically obsessed city where just about everyone is into the outdoors and sports of some kind. 

Giving up gives the reader the impression that there’s a loss somewhere but you have to finish that equation and balance out. Swap the loss for something else important to you and reflect on what really matters. Maybe it’s a relationship with an athletic woman you meet next month or maybe it’s suddenly realizing your calling and interest pursuing something else. That means a change in priorities, not giving up, imo.

[ZA Dater]

4 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

But you’ve been there, done that right? Wasn’t “K” basically a friend zone? All the posts you had about struggling at the time suggests the friend zone is not a good solution for you. 

Well it might be a lot more workable based on the level of attractiveness I seem to have. At some point there has to be compromise. What I want to try stop is this want to actually have someone to date, which I realise will probably take a huge amount of mind power and acceptance.

Specifically, every single place I go is full of couples, clearly happy, clearly enjoying togetherness. I then head back to OLD and find I cannot attract anyone attractive. So that second part of this is how to accept that. Answers most welcome.

Next thing, almost everywhere I go I M the only person not married or not paired up or not with kids, again how do you accept abs be happy with this?

Instead of looking at the results I need advice how to deal with the reality of it. 

 

[NuevoYorko]

You can't stop wanting something just by force of will.  You want what you want.  You can learn to accept not having things you want.   Many people have had to make  do without not only what they "want" but many of their basic needs.  Some of them have been able to accept what they aren't going to have and to more fully embrace what they do have.  

It's a personal choice.

Edited March 5, 2023 by NuevoYorko

[ZA Dater]

4 hours ago, glows said:

Is it giving up or a shift in priorities? I’d go back to the drawing board here and figure out what’s important to you. I think it’s important staying driven and motivated and engaged most of all in life. Life in general. Not passively letting moments pass or living a second rate version of what you believe. Don’t let it pass you by.

Being realistic helps also. You like athletic women. Are you also of athletic build or have similar interests? Why not join a sports team or meet people of similar interests? I live on the west coast in an almost overabundantly and comically obsessed city where just about everyone is into the outdoors and sports of some kind. 

Giving up gives the reader the impression that there’s a loss somewhere but you have to finish that equation and balance out. Swap the loss for something else important to you and reflect on what really matters. Maybe it’s a relationship with an athletic woman you meet next month or maybe it’s suddenly realizing your calling and interest pursuing something else. That means a change in priorities, not giving up, imo.

So much has passed me by that's the haunting problem I face and unquestionably my life was better when I was dating but equally it also proved my own limitations.

It's how to try reconcile just being alone that's so hard. I just throw myself at work to try make myself feel better but it is not working as well as it used to.

I am athletic yes but have zero confidence and zero self worth because well you go on OLD and never match with anyone you like and match with everyone you don't. Go to social gatherings and basically get ignored.

In many respects the best decision is to write it all off but it is how live with that which is challenging. Its become objectively clear I cannot get this part of life to work and the only real qualities I have of value have no real value.

The question is how to reconcile all of this, take it on and live with it and the consequences of it.

[ZA Dater]

3 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

You can't stop wanting something just by force of will.  You want what you want.  You can learn to accept not having things you want.   Many people have had to make  do without not only what they "want" but many of their basic needs.  Some of them have been able to accept what they aren't going to have and to more fully embrace what they do have.  

It's a personal choice.

That is true but it's extremely challenging short of never ever going out and sitting at home all day.

I suppose maybe just trying to get rid of regrets may make it easier too.

[NuevoYorko]

8 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

That is true but it's extremely challenging short of never ever going out and sitting at home all day.

If you choose to never go out / sit home all day, that's on you.  It doesn't have anything to do with a choice to stop putting any further energy on something you've always wanted and now will no longer pursue. 

As I said, there are people all around you who have made peace with not having things in their lives which they wanted very much, including single people who would prefer not to be.  Some of them are subsumed with what they want and they're not getting, while the successful ones are embracing what they do have and probably expanding their horizons in different areas.  

 

[ZA Dater]

1 minute ago, NuevoYorko said:

If you choose to never go out / sit home all day, that's on you.  It doesn't have anything to do with a choice to stop putting any further energy on something you've always wanted and now will no longer pursue. 

As I said, there are people all around you who have made peace with not having things in their lives which they wanted very much, including single people who would prefer not to be.  Some of them are subsumed with what they want and they're not getting, while the successful ones are embracing what they do have and probably expanding their horizons in different areas.  

 

Sure, problem is I go out see couples and then think how nice it would be to....then reality hits, that is not such a pleasant experience.

Maybe the issue here is not wanting to versus not being able to. You make very good points here.

It's difficult to find that peace, really it is 

[basil67]

29 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

Go to social gatherings and basically get ignored.

No, you told us that you go to social gatherings and choose to stand on the outskirts and watch.  Being ignored is the natural consequence of your choice.   

Part of accepting your situation will come from owning your choices and the consequences of those choices.

[Gaeta]

I did not search for 8 years. From age 39 to 47. I built a career, concentrated on family, my daughter, my dog. It was just something l was not interested in at the time so l did not miss anything. Maybe you need take on a new life challenge and experience something other than dating disappointments. Love can come your way in a few years, until then you need to experience other facets of life.

[Alpacalia]

ZA Dater. It's been studied that only 10% of external factors (i.e. job, money, relationships, etc.) contribute to individual happiness.

That human beings actually do not require others to be happy. Found that pretty interesting. But, not surprised.

The rest is genetics and internal work.

[ZA Dater]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I did not search for 8 years. From age 39 to 47. I built a career, concentrated on family, my daughter, my dog. It was just something l was not interested in at the time so l did not miss anything. Maybe you need take on a new life challenge and experience something other than dating disappointments. Love can come your way in a few years, until then you need to experience other facets of life.

I am glad it worked out for you I know quite a few people older than me who did that and still struggle and they find the dating pool very limited in terms of what they want. My thinking now is to chuck the entire idea in the bin and the best way to accomplish that. Its no easy task and no great reality to realize I am unattractive but I guess it is what it is and in some ways just confirms the experiences I have had for the last 20 odd years. 

What I normally do is just pour my energy into things which benefit others rather than me, there some feel good helping others to accomplish things.

[ZA Dater]

8 hours ago, basil67 said:

No, you told us that you go to social gatherings and choose to stand on the outskirts and watch.  Being ignored is the natural consequence of your choice.   

Part of accepting your situation will come from owning your choices and the consequences of those choices.

No issues there at all. I have nothing in common but then again I hardly have anything in common anyway, they are "fun" I am not, that is the basic reality.

People will gravitate toward fun, humorous people, which I am not. Nor am I ever likely to be that sort of person.

Point is here there is a lot of accepting to do which is really not very easy at all, advice there would be most welcome.  My earlier comment, its very difficult to go out and just be lonely all the time. Its something I carry around all day every single day. 

What I have tried to do, with marginal success is tell myself why I am a total dating failure by looking at what other guys offer and what I offer, this does not make me feel great but at least I can make some sense out of it. A good example of what I am talking about, there is this lovely cabin, largely in the middle of nowhere, outside hot tub, river, hiking trails, really beautiful place, I'd love to go but there is no point in going on my own. 

Maybe being alone should not bother me as much as it does.

[basil67]

12 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

People will gravitate toward fun, humorous people, which I am not. Nor am I ever likely to be that sort of person.

I would rate about one in fifteen people I know as being fun and humorous, and yes, people do gravitate to them.  But the rest of us are just regular people who simply enjoy a nice chat with others and those people aren't ignored at parties.  You're again twisting the broad variety of human experience into something binary because it suits your lament.   

12 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

Point is here there is a lot of accepting to do which is really not very easy at all, advice there would be most welcome.  My earlier comment, its very difficult to go out and just be lonely all the time. Its something I carry around all day every single day. 

My advice as always would be therapy.  In particular, your social skills as they are something which a) you are aware aren't up to standard and b) can be greatly helped.  But you don't want therapy, so nothing is going to change and you will stay in this situation

[Trail Blazer]

I stopped searching for a partner and found the best woman I've ever met in my life.  Was I still on dating apps?  Well, yes.  However, looking for a relationship I certainly was not...

Are you hoping to hear from those who've completely given up?  Who've vowed to never join another dating app again?  Because, if so, I doubt you'll find too many.

I think a lot of people go through phases of having given up without ever completely giving up.  It's not in our nature, human nature, to remain alone for the rest of our days.

By all means, have a break.  But, do not convince yourself that you've reached an arbitrarily defined point in your life where giving up is your only option and that you must show unwavering strength to the cause.

Have a break for as long as you need, there ought to be no timeline here.  However, when the time inevitably feels right to search once more, do not fight what is a natural human yearning; embrace it with a refreshed attitude.

[ZA Dater]

7 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I would rate about one in fifteen people I know as being fun and humorous, and yes, people do gravitate to them.  But the rest of us are just regular people who simply enjoy a nice chat with others and those people aren't ignored at parties.  You're again twisting the broad variety of human experience into something binary because it suits your lament.   

My advice as always would be therapy.  In particular, your social skills as they are something which a) you are aware aren't up to standard and b) can be greatly helped.  But you don't want therapy, so nothing is going to change and you will stay in this situation

There is little wrong with my social skills actually, if there were I would not be able to deal with as many people I do each day from a huge variety of backgrounds, granted its work conversation but among us sometimes general life conversation, politics, world affairs and general stuff will be talked about. What has really got to me this time was OLD, its no better, if anything its worse than ever before. If truly those are the only people who find me attractive then I really do need to find some way of throwing this all away.

What I would love to know is how to move past that. The answer is ultimately to give up, every single piece of objective evidence suggests I am never going to get the result I actually want but the big question is how to give up. Sitting in some office on a couch with some person who does not know me from a bar of soap is not going to help with that because it will be the same mumbo jumbo it always is AND the thing is I NEVER open up. Very few know how I struggle with this. 

On a slightly light hearted note some of the most interesting discussions I have had were with therapists but honestly paying for conversation is a waste of time and actually does noting to benefit me barring maybe providing some intellectual stimulation.