If you stop searching?

[ZA Dater]

1 hour ago, semble said:

Or he's afraid to do it because of fear of rejection.

 

 

Seeing as this is all I experience, it's not something that's foreign, it does mean I question giving up versus continuing. I am very unattractive, this much I know, I have nothing to offer, again proven over again.

So far in this thread nobody seems to have given up permanently. I'll say this though, I may have a set up date, there is zero chance she will be interested in me but I'll go anyway because she has every quality I like. See that's how things go, what I like is there just unattainable.

[NuevoYorko]

10 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

So far in this thread nobody seems to have given up permanently. 

People who are likely to have many years of life ahead of them are probably not giving up permanently unless they join a celibate order of monks.   

After my divorce I was 100% done with the idea of dating or relationships.  To the bottom of my heart,  it was the last thing I was interested in doing.  I wasn't having a break.  I didn't want any part of it at all.

Some time (2 years) passed and I came out of that state of mind.  

[glows]

On 3/6/2023 at 11:12 PM, ZA Dater said:

Getting to the 'give up point" was really the result of endless disappointment and very few successes. Look it does not help that I do have a pretty high bar when it comes to attractiveness and equally it does not help that I know too many people who can seemingly date at that level with not significant difficulty. Spend enough time in that environment and I eventually believed I too could date at that level. The reality was different, no interest at all.

I do have talents, largely worthless ones but I do have knowledge on some topics which is far higher than the average , again largely useless out of a specific setting. I love the thrill of chasing a deal, I love the challenge of trying to do the impossible which will benefit someone else. Its easy to redirect my energy in that direction. I like accomplishing things, the more difficult the challenge the more appealing. Unfortunately this approach has not served me very well with dating where I have really tried within my own limitations. 

Now its a case of ok, give up on that, fill that void with what? I still crave attention, how do I stop wanting that? 

I have become very good at showing almost no emotion so largely nobody really knows the level of bagged I carry around. Again reconciling giving up with a personality whereby every single thing I have managed to accomplish was through not giving up and having to prove endless people wrong, people wrote me off, I started life with a learning disability which I overcame.

In regards to craving attention, for example, friends and family are great sources of comfort. I understand not everyone has that but it’s something to strive for and different kinds of relationships that are also meaningful, supportive. It doesn’t always have to fall on a romantic partner to be a source of support or source of attention. 

People build their confidence and self-esteem every single day. Whether in pursuit of interests, becoming good at something or overcoming any fears. You overcame your learning disability and accomplished many great things I’m sure, some you may not even have given yourself credit for. It doesn’t stop there. It may be worth some reflection on what those may be to you so you’re not relying so heavily on needing or craving a type of attention. It’s interesting you had used the word “void”. I don’t think there’s anything wrong acknowledging that. Many people feel that way. I’m thinking of parents who have lost children. Anyone who has lost someone close to them or realized that they are never the same again. There is sometimes no way to distract from that. The pain is always there. Yet guess what? You’re alive so make something of it and try to appreciate what you do have, not just the have nots.

I don’t think it’s healthy to give up on something that matters to a person but I do think there’s a strong element of being realistic too. We can acknowledge and address an emptiness inside but also overcome that and recognize that we are changed. We choose to adapt. We evolve. I don’t much see the use in going backwards or not caring any more or giving up. This comes from seeing death and knowing it’s a total waste of life not to live it to the fullest every day.

From what I’m understanding you’re asking those questions many ask when faced with adversity or challenges and when things don’t go our way. We survive and we recalibrate. We have to figure out what works best for that time and run with what we’ve got. Make the most out of this life. Maybe diversify a little and try new things otherwise we never know what we’re missing out on too.

[ZA Dater]

4 hours ago, glows said:

In regards to craving attention, for example, friends and family are great sources of comfort. I understand not everyone has that but it’s something to strive for and different kinds of relationships that are also meaningful, supportive. It doesn’t always have to fall on a romantic partner to be a source of support or source of attention. 

People build their confidence and self-esteem every single day. Whether in pursuit of interests, becoming good at something or overcoming any fears. You overcame your learning disability and accomplished many great things I’m sure, some you may not even have given yourself credit for. It doesn’t stop there. It may be worth some reflection on what those may be to you so you’re not relying so heavily on needing or craving a type of attention. It’s interesting you had used the word “void”. I don’t think there’s anything wrong acknowledging that. Many people feel that way. I’m thinking of parents who have lost children. Anyone who has lost someone close to them or realized that they are never the same again. There is sometimes no way to distract from that. The pain is always there. Yet guess what? You’re alive so make something of it and try to appreciate what you do have, not just the have nots.

I don’t think it’s healthy to give up on something that matters to a person but I do think there’s a strong element of being realistic too. We can acknowledge and address an emptiness inside but also overcome that and recognize that we are changed. We choose to adapt. We evolve. I don’t much see the use in going backwards or not caring any more or giving up. This comes from seeing death and knowing it’s a total waste of life not to live it to the fullest every day.

From what I’m understanding you’re asking those questions many ask when faced with adversity or challenges and when things don’t go our way. We survive and we recalibrate. We have to figure out what works best for that time and run with what we’ve got. Make the most out of this life. Maybe diversify a little and try new things otherwise we never know what we’re missing out on too.

I think there is a lot of truth in that, oddly a lot of my life is spent metaphorically carrying people around and supporting their emotions as they go through life and its ups and downs but my own support system is really not there at all. Ask yourself how many times people make you feel good about yourself? For me it is almost never. Its more a case of nothing ever being good enough or there is some other gripe.  

The problem is for me what appears realistic I ABSOLUTELY do not want, based on what OLD tells me my realistic is totally unappealing in every single way. I have been going up against this now for nearly two decades. Its emotionally draining in the extreme and has caused a total loss of confidence and self worth when it comes to dating. Its also like a bug unless I compartmentalize it, it spreads to other facets of life so yes I can walk around a food market on my own,  I do not feel particularly good because around me are groups of people, couples etc. but my skin is thick enough. 

Why I want the attention I do is easy to answer because I have had it before and it was very nice so part of me wants more of that but its very very hard to find. Adapting to a idea which is one not out of choice but because of reality is not easy at all. After reading the 1% post I decided this week to rather than get bogged down with the lack of interest on OLD to rather think about how nice it would be to have what I am looking for, these people do exist but unfortunately for me nothing I can do will ever deem me attractive in their eyes. If I ignore that reality the whole situation becomes a bit easier. 

A lot of the problem is knowing I am simply realistically running out of time and my options become less viable and less desirable. One thing  every single person on this thread has done is life a huge weight off my shoulders, lot of the words have actually be more comforting than many of your realize. Trying to do the seemingly impossible all the time is a challenge but this week a good friend of mine found someone he really likes, granted he is very marketable and can choose to a large extent but I am happy for him.

That is the thing, I find it easy to cheer other on, be happy for them, celebrate what they do because well I never really have a lot to celebrate. Or maybe I have just perfected the art of living life through others.

[Lisa]

Thread has been closed as it's moved back into territory which has already been thoroughly discussed