If you stop searching?

[basil67]

2 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

There is little wrong with my social skills actually, 

Yes, there are things wrong.  For instance, your conversational topics consist of business, politics and world affairs.  At parties you're all awkward and stand away from everyone else because you can't/won't engage. These are social skill impairments.  And when I talk about therapy for this, I don't mean talk therapy.  I mean finding someone who can teach you how to have a broader repertoire than the latest news from Reuters

Quote

What I would love to know is how to move past that. The answer is ultimately to give up, every single piece of objective evidence suggests I am never going to get the result I actually want but the big question is how to give up.

Rebecca Ross said: If you believe you will fail, then you most likely will.  Your choice is to either accept this or change your mindset.

[ZA Dater]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

Yes, there are things wrong.  For instance, your conversational topics consist of business, politics and world affairs.  At parties you're all awkward and stand away from everyone else because you can't/won't engage. These are social skill impairments.  And when I talk about therapy for this, I don't mean talk therapy.  I mean finding someone who can teach you how to have a broader repertoire than the latest news from Reuters

Rebecca Ross said: If you believe you will fail, then you most likely will.  Your choice is to either accept this or change your mindset.

Well its easy to turn down party invitations, I can talk about a range of subjects but none are deemed fun and no drinking brings its own problems so I simply turn down any invitations. Add to which I normally have to put up with the "Chads" or trust fund crowd and frankly I have done my time going to such events. Sure, there are many attractive ladies but its pointless because I am right at the bottom on the ladder. 

Of course the one solution to all of this is to try keep busy enough that it does not bother me but it does, more so because thanks to E I have learnt it is actually quite nice to have companionship and have someone who really cares. So yes accepting is quite hard and irrespective how many times I try re invent myself the market for me is non existent, or I certainly cannot fish in the pond I want to. What made me think a complete give up is order is my recent go at OLD, different pictures, most premium subscription and NOT one match. Heck I even had a look at the pay date idea again, which I find revolting and would never do.

Accepting things is very very difficult. Seeing things pass me by is actually even worse in some respects. The only way I live like this is being pretty un emotional about most things and even then its very difficult. I know at some point there will be a very very heavy price I will pay for these set of circumstances. 

[Wiseman2]

21 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

 I normally have to put up with the "Chads" 

It's fine to take a break from actively trying to date. Perhaps letting things happen more organically would work for you? It's fine to just be yourself with no specific agenda.

[ZA Dater]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's fine to take a break from actively trying to date. Perhaps letting things happen more organically would work for you? It's fine to just be yourself with no specific agenda.

This is always the problem, I do not know what organically is. Sitting at home and sitting at the office wont magically land me a date so there is always this pressure of having to be pro active.

Take that away and it brings me to the give up point  I am at now.

[basil67]

11 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

thanks to E I have learnt it is actually quite nice to have companionship and have someone who really cares.

However, it came about that you're not comfortable with the physical side of a relationship, or things like staying over at her place.  So what you need is a good female friend...not a girlfriend.   Perhaps focus on finding some good friends instead of dating.  There are plenty of social meetup things being advertised.

Just don't go and shoot yourself in the foot by insisting that a good friend must be attractive.  Assuming that our friends are clean, how they look is irrelevant to a friendship. 

[glows]

On 3/5/2023 at 12:59 PM, ZA Dater said:

So much has passed me by that's the haunting problem I face and unquestionably my life was better when I was dating but equally it also proved my own limitations.

It's how to try reconcile just being alone that's so hard. I just throw myself at work to try make myself feel better but it is not working as well as it used to.

I am athletic yes but have zero confidence and zero self worth because well you go on OLD and never match with anyone you like and match with everyone you don't. Go to social gatherings and basically get ignored.

In many respects the best decision is to write it all off but it is how live with that which is challenging. Its become objectively clear I cannot get this part of life to work and the only real qualities I have of value have no real value.

The question is how to reconcile all of this, take it on and live with it and the consequences of it.

 

18 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

There is little wrong with my social skills actually, if there were I would not be able to deal with as many people I do each day from a huge variety of backgrounds, granted its work conversation but among us sometimes general life conversation, politics, world affairs and general stuff will be talked about. What has really got to me this time was OLD, its no better, if anything its worse than ever before. If truly those are the only people who find me attractive then I really do need to find some way of throwing this all away.

What I would love to know is how to move past that. The answer is ultimately to give up, every single piece of objective evidence suggests I am never going to get the result I actually want but the big question is how to give up. Sitting in some office on a couch with some person who does not know me from a bar of soap is not going to help with that because it will be the same mumbo jumbo it always is AND the thing is I NEVER open up. Very few know how I struggle with this. 

On a slightly light hearted note some of the most interesting discussions I have had were with therapists but honestly paying for conversation is a waste of time and actually does noting to benefit me barring maybe providing some intellectual stimulation. 

I haven’t followed all your threads but the general idea I’m getting is that you’re a bit upset and unhappy with yourself all the time. People don’t really want to be around that. It’s bad vibes. I’m speaking bluntly here as I’m squinting at the profile pic. I’m assuming that’s you otherwise nevermind. You look like a decent and good looking young man. I have no idea why you’re not attracting anyone attractive to you unless you have such a high bar of attraction they’re supermodels or some specific rare traits you’re looking for as a turn on/kink/desirable.

What I meant is shifting your priorities instead of glass half empty all the time. I’m genuinely puzzled why you wouldn’t go to the cabin and enjoy hiking on your own. There are also groups you can join. I’m done this in the past for overnight trips wilderness camping. What’s the point of going with a plus one for the sake of a plus one?

Anyway I’m mindful of the moderator note as well that this thread isn’t asking for dating advice.

On the topic of giving up - I have no idea. As I said earlier it’s usually, for me, a matter of prioritizing and shift in priorities. The only things I’ve given up on in my life were my marriage (it was hopeless and draining) and bad chocolate. I lamented both genuinely. I’d like to suggest just a moment here at the possibility that you’re growing as well and we all have those points where it’s time to reassess what’s important to us and who knows, try new things/think of things differently.

[ZA Dater]

8 hours ago, basil67 said:

However, it came about that you're not comfortable with the physical side of a relationship, or things like staying over at her place.  So what you need is a good female friend...not a girlfriend.   Perhaps focus on finding some good friends instead of dating.  There are plenty of social meetup things being advertised.

Just don't go and shoot yourself in the foot by insisting that a good friend must be attractive.  Assuming that our friends are clean, how they look is irrelevant to a friendship. 

My idea would be the friendzone, someone I would date but for any number of reasons would not date me. Extremely difficult to find this because it only really works if I have something that specific person actually wants/needs. In all honesty I make a bad social friend, I do make a good "walk to the end of the earth, always dependable, always supportive" friend.

Because my self worth is so low,/level of attractiveness is so low being around people I find attractive makes me feel quite a lot better. That low self worth and equally low confidence is something I try hide and for the most part do it very successfully each day. 

By nature I never give up on anything which makes giving up even more difficult. I do however need to look at objective facts all of which seemingly support that decision but in the back of my mind I always wonder "what if".

 

[ZA Dater]

5 hours ago, glows said:

 

I haven’t followed all your threads but the general idea I’m getting is that you’re a bit upset and unhappy with yourself all the time. People don’t really want to be around that. It’s bad vibes. I’m speaking bluntly here as I’m squinting at the profile pic. I’m assuming that’s you otherwise nevermind. You look like a decent and good looking young man. I have no idea why you’re not attracting anyone attractive to you unless you have such a high bar of attraction they’re supermodels or some specific rare traits you’re looking for as a turn on/kink/desirable.

What I meant is shifting your priorities instead of glass half empty all the time. I’m genuinely puzzled why you wouldn’t go to the cabin and enjoy hiking on your own. There are also groups you can join. I’m done this in the past for overnight trips wilderness camping. What’s the point of going with a plus one for the sake of a plus one?

Anyway I’m mindful of the moderator note as well that this thread isn’t asking for dating advice.

On the topic of giving up - I have no idea. As I said earlier it’s usually, for me, a matter of prioritizing and shift in priorities. The only things I’ve given up on in my life were my marriage (it was hopeless and draining) and bad chocolate. I lamented both genuinely. I’d like to suggest just a moment here at the possibility that you’re growing as well and we all have those points where it’s time to reassess what’s important to us and who knows, try new things/think of things differently.

Getting to the 'give up point" was really the result of endless disappointment and very few successes. Look it does not help that I do have a pretty high bar when it comes to attractiveness and equally it does not help that I know too many people who can seemingly date at that level with not significant difficulty. Spend enough time in that environment and I eventually believed I too could date at that level. The reality was different, no interest at all.

I do have talents, largely worthless ones but I do have knowledge on some topics which is far higher than the average , again largely useless out of a specific setting. I love the thrill of chasing a deal, I love the challenge of trying to do the impossible which will benefit someone else. Its easy to redirect my energy in that direction. I like accomplishing things, the more difficult the challenge the more appealing. Unfortunately this approach has not served me very well with dating where I have really tried within my own limitations. 

Now its a case of ok, give up on that, fill that void with what? I still crave attention, how do I stop wanting that? 

I have become very good at showing almost no emotion so largely nobody really knows the level of bagged I carry around. Again reconciling giving up with a personality whereby every single thing I have managed to accomplish was through not giving up and having to prove endless people wrong, people wrote me off, I started life with a learning disability which I overcame.

[basil67]

4 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Because my self worth is so low,/level of attractiveness is so low being around people I find attractive makes me feel quite a lot better.

So what happens if your friend puts on a heap of weight or stops caring about their appearance?   Are you still going to walk to the ends of the earth for them?

Edited March 7, 2023 by basil67

[flaxcapacitor]

I understand this post so very much. I'm a similar age to you (40) and I too wish I could just find peace with being single. I've only ever had one relationship and have never in my life had a woman take an interest in me.

It's not possible though I don't think. It's a basic biological urge. Sure there are people who live alone or don't experience intimacy for spritual reasons, but they had the desire to do that, they didn't just decide that it suited them.

I go through cycles of getting my hopes up that I will one day find love, or at least some meaningful level of intimacy, or take a step towards finding love by starting to date women. The harsh truth is though that there is nothing attractive about me. I had a friend ask the other day why I'd never dated or even pulled the whole time he'd known me and when I said he did try to come up with all the positive qualities I have that might attract a woman to me. All he could come up with was that I was 'nice'. That's it, there are lots of nice people though, it's a bare minimum but not an attractive quality in itself.

It's difficult not to be sad about that, but it's the hand I was dealt. I have no big talents, no charisma, no banter and I'm fairly ugly too so I don't expect to find love, it's just the fact that it's something we're hard-wired to expect and can't let go of.

PS. I'm a sociable guy too, I have good friends and meet plenty of women, I only say that because whenever you say you're having trouble meeting someone, people assume you're some kind of hermit and you aren't dating simply because you don't put yourself out there.

Edited March 7, 2023 by flaxcapacitor

[ZA Dater]

1 hour ago, flaxcapacitor said:

I understand this post so very much. I'm a similar age to you (40) and I too wish I could just find peace with being single. I've only ever had one relationship and have never in my life had a woman take an interest in me.

It's not possible though I don't think. It's a basic biological urge. Sure there are people who live alone or don't experience intimacy for spritual reasons, but they had the desire to do that, they didn't just decide that it suited them.

I go through cycles of getting my hopes up that I will one day find love, or at least some meaningful level of intimacy, or take a step towards finding love by starting to date women. The harsh truth is though that there is nothing attractive about me. I had a friend ask the other day why I'd never dated or even pulled the whole time he'd known me and when I said he did try to come up with all the positive qualities I have that might attract a woman to me. All he could come up with was that I was 'nice'. That's it, there are lots of nice people though, it's a bare minimum but not an attractive quality in itself.

It's difficult not to be sad about that, but it's the hand I was dealt. I have no big talents, no charisma, no banter and I'm fairly ugly too so I don't expect to find love, it's just the fact that it's something we're hard-wired to expect and can't let go of.

PS. I'm a sociable guy too, I have good friends and meet plenty of women, I only say that because whenever you say you're having trouble meeting someone, people assume you're some kind of hermit and you aren't dating simply because you don't put yourself out there.

I have had basically exactly this and it was from someone who has known me for 20+ years. In some ways I think the only way to do this is to tell yourself you do not want companionship even when you do, granted this a fundamentally flawed but its how I convinced myself I could leave dating when I was studying, I convinced myself it was a worthwhile sacrifice to make.

Give you an idea some women hug guys, its telling when they hug the guy before me and then shake my hand...

[flaxcapacitor]

2 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

I have had basically exactly this and it was from someone who has known me for 20+ years. In some ways I think the only way to do this is to tell yourself you do not want companionship even when you do, granted this a fundamentally flawed but its how I convinced myself I could leave dating when I was studying, I convinced myself it was a worthwhile sacrifice to make.

Give you an idea some women hug guys, its telling when they hug the guy before me and then shake my hand...

Well yeah it's one thing to tell yourself you can prioritise other things over dating, such as studying, because that is temporary... people don't always need to be trying to date to meet someone anyway. It's another thing to try and tell yourself you'll be OK not dating for the rest of your life, and at 40 it does feel like the likelihood is decreasing year on year... if for no other reason than that there are just fewer single women around in their 40s than in their 30s or 20s.

Would be concerning if women are only shaking your hand... my female friends always hug, not hugging someone could be a sign of some vibe you're giving off that comes across as unwelcoming.

[NuevoYorko]

If you are seriously "giving up," it will require "letting go."   

You are far from that.  Still, you fall back on repeating the exact same script that you've taught yourself about how things are, how YOU are.   This thread is already basically a recap of your past ones.   

Letting go means that you accept that you are in the dark about a lot of stuff,  you "don't know what you don't know" regarding interpersonal relationships,  your self awareness is not on point.   

If you can get to a place like that, who knows what ways you'll find to lead a fulfilling life.

[mark clemson]

Two ideas if "letting go of what you want" is what you've decided to do. (Not that this is necessarily actually the best course, but since it seems to be your current plan, I'll provide support as I'm able).

Idea one. There are those in the world who are pretty happy on their own. I think one difference may be in a "secure" vs. "insecure" attachment style. So, folks who really, really want a partner, can not only feel lonely (which is hard enough) but also insecure (which makes being alone more stressful for them, producing anxiety, etc). As you mention, seeing those who are coupled distresses you. I think feelings of insecurity may be at least a part of this.

So, in an effort to address this, you might try counseling (if available/feasible) to attempt to "get your brain to change" so you feel more secure alone. While that might not sound feasible (and it's not easy, I think), reality is that people slowly change over time and it is sometimes possible to deliberately direct those changes in a particular direction. There was probably a time in your life when you felt secure without a romantic partner (e.g. in childhood when it was not a "need"). So it's probably possible to return to a somewhat similar emotional state, although I think it will take genuine time and effort. There is (I think) no "magic switch" but it's more of a sustained effort type of thing.

Idea two - in conjunction/support of Idea one: WRT to sustained change (and perhaps in conjunction with counseling) - you could perhaps try introspection/meta-cognition and try the "1% per day" approach. So, try to feel 1% more secure (or simply better, if insecurity is not the underlying issue) every day. 1% today, another 1% tomorrow, etc. Focus on your emotional state, your reactions to seeing others, etc, and attempt to allow your emotional state to be less stressed and more "accepting".

Theoretically, if you can change 1%/day after 100 days you're "fixed." Of course, real life isn't like that, BUT you could perhaps make real progress with this approach, supported by/in conjunction with therapy. Sustaining an attempted "1%/day" approach for a few years, might get you to 90% "better".

So, that's my suggestion FWIW. Please feel free to give it a try. I have a hunch that once you address your emotional issues WRT women/dating, your success rate may actually improve substantially. However, one thing at a time + there's no guarantee that will be the case. Since you've decided this is what you want to do, give it a try - you can always change course later if you feel it makes sense at that time.

[mark clemson]

^^ BTW, I'm unable to edit my above post for some reason, but just in case it got lost in the explanations, the core of Idea 1 is counseling (specifically), and the core of Idea 2 is to support counseling efforts with your own 1%/day efforts at emotional resolution for your distress. Just wanted to ensure that was clear...  GL!

[ZA Dater]

4 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

 

Letting go means that you accept that you are in the dark about a lot of stuff,  you "don't know what you don't know" regarding interpersonal relationships. 

 

I have always admitted I am clueless, I know that. As for fulfilling life letting go, I doubt it to be honest, it's always going to be there. Maybe penpal type friends may work.

[ZA Dater]

23 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Two ideas if "letting go of what you want" is what you've decided to do. (Not that this is necessarily actually the best course, but since it seems to be your current plan, I'll provide support as I'm able).

Idea one. There are those in the world who are pretty happy on their own. I think one difference may be in a "secure" vs. "insecure" attachment style. So, folks who really, really want a partner, can not only feel lonely (which is hard enough) but also insecure (which makes being alone more stressful for them, producing anxiety, etc). As you mention, seeing those who are coupled distresses you. I think feelings of insecurity may be at least a part of this.

So, in an effort to address this, you might try counseling (if available/feasible) to attempt to "get your brain to change" so you feel more secure alone. While that might not sound feasible (and it's not easy, I think), reality is that people slowly change over time and it is sometimes possible to deliberately direct those changes in a particular direction. There was probably a time in your life when you felt secure without a romantic partner (e.g. in childhood when it was not a "need"). So it's probably possible to return to a somewhat similar emotional state, although I think it will take genuine time and effort. There is (I think) no "magic switch" but it's more of a sustained effort type of thing.

Idea two - in conjunction/support of Idea one: WRT to sustained change (and perhaps in conjunction with counseling) - you could perhaps try introspection/meta-cognition and try the "1% per day" approach. So, try to feel 1% more secure (or simply better, if insecurity is not the underlying issue) every day. 1% today, another 1% tomorrow, etc. Focus on your emotional state, your reactions to seeing others, etc, and attempt to allow your emotional state to be less stressed and more "accepting".

Theoretically, if you can change 1%/day after 100 days you're "fixed." Of course, real life isn't like that, BUT you could perhaps make real progress with this approach, supported by/in conjunction with therapy. Sustaining an attempted "1%/day" approach for a few years, might get you to 90% "better".

So, that's my suggestion FWIW. Please feel free to give it a try. I have a hunch that once you address your emotional issues WRT women/dating, your success rate may actually improve substantially. However, one thing at a time + there's no guarantee that will be the case. Since you've decided this is what you want to do, give it a try - you can always change course later if you feel it makes sense at that time.

This post made me think quite a bit. Insecurity is not really in the picture, the big problem is giving up causes other life issues and like a rotting apple the whole become badly affected. Its a case of how to sort of prevent that, bad dating I can sort of compartmentalise because I can always live in some sort of hope no matter how slim. Today I sat and had a good think about this and other posts in this thread, the one thought I had is I very much run on a degree of "wow" for example if I am going to experience something I want the best experience I can get, rather than an experience. Its a fundamentally flawed way to live because its about chasing experiences I am unlikely to ever experience and the ones I can are never really that good, mostly.

I truly loved the time I spent with E and I regret every moment of every single day I made such an unintended mess of it. 

Mostly I am not sure what is worse, giving up and lamenting what I wont experience or carrying on and lamenting what I still wont experience. 

[mark clemson]

Fair enough. If you're going to go this course I think the things to reflect on and eventually address are things such as the below:

Why are you unhappy without a partner? What about not being with one distresses you?

Why did being with a partner make you happy?

Why does seeing couples make you feel unhappy?

What's the difference between you and someone who is "content" on their own?

What can you change (mentally) so that distress from the above is reduced? How can you change your views/feelings/expectations, etc by "1%" (each day) on your own, and well as with the help of a counselor?

 

Please note I'm not suggesting you post answers these questions - they are things to reflect on (and perhaps you have been already)?

Also, the point of this (I would think) is to reduce your distress/unhappiness. You could (in theory) actually continue to seek partners while you work on this. But perhaps better to devote some time to working on it specifically and then once you're feeling better/reduced distress, you can decide then whether to take seeking a partner back up, possibly with a clearer head about the whole thing.

[basil67]

11 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

the one thought I had is I very much run on a degree of "wow" for example if I am going to experience something I want the best experience I can get, rather than an experience. Its a fundamentally flawed way to live because its about chasing experiences 

This is a great observation. Is it something you are willing to work on?   I imagine that I'd also feel very disappointed in life if I focussed on wanting the best experience I can get.  It's super important to be able to find pleasure in the small stuff.....so yes, it's understandable that you're disappointed in this too.

[ZA Dater]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

This is a great observation. Is it something you are willing to work on?   I imagine that I'd also feel very disappointed in life if I focussed on wanting the best experience I can get.  It's super important to be able to find pleasure in the small stuff.....so yes, it's understandable that you're disappointed in this too.

Its pretty much how I live life so its quite fundamental to each day. Small stuff for the most part does not do much for me at all, sure I like animals and yes its great to interact with them and sure I like a good sunset but for me all the small things are part of the journey to the best experiences. Maybe the most relatable example I can give of this would be staying 1 night in a superb hotel, versus spending 5 nights in a less exceptional tiny hotel room. I am going for the former every single time because the experience would be better. 

However the big proviso in all of this would be if could experience the smaller things in life with someone, then they become more relevant and interesting to me. If I am doing things on my own then yes I'd far rather aspire to the amazing things. I am superficial and there is a huge inherent feel good factor inherent there and with that comes a bit of confidence which I normally cannot find. 

Many of the posts here have made me ask myself questions and question my own reasoning. Would friends solve a lot of the emptiness I feel most days, maybe yes and maybe no because deep down I know it would be a severe compromise over what I want, again its reality versus wants and those two are hard to reconcile. Giving up would sort of put me into no mans land because I'd still feel the same when I saw people who have what I aspire to, I'd still feel lonely but it would bring about a very uncomfortable reality and that is VERY hard to live with, there would be a huge sense of "wasted life and wasted opportunity", again very difficult to live with. But really would giving up be a lot different to what I have now?

I have nothing now really, no real interest, attempting to patch things up with E just caused me more pain and around me, everyone has that companionship, my closest confidant he after various damaging relationships has found someone really great but again he does not need to look too hard, there is a marketability I do not have.

This whole thing is stopping searching is hard but then when I did find people they did not want my anyway so? There may be a set up date in the future, this is someone who ticks every single one of my dating boxes and I absolutely tick none of hers, so it will be very contrived if it even happens.

Maybe I should finish writing my book and live vicariously though that and the lives of people around me, maybe that is one solution.

[Weezy1973]

@ZA Dater none of what you’ve expressed here is new. You’re bringing out your greatest hits. Back to the same cycle. For example you swore you’d never do online dating again. But if course you were going to do it again. And then when not happy with the results you move to plan B which is to give up completely on the idea of a relationship. But that’s never worked for you. Why would you think this time is different. You have to break this cycle. It’s clearly not working for you. 

[ZA Dater]

36 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

@ZA Dater none of what you’ve expressed here is new. You’re bringing out your greatest hits. Back to the same cycle. For example you swore you’d never do online dating again. But if course you were going to do it again. And then when not happy with the results you move to plan B which is to give up completely on the idea of a relationship. But that’s never worked for you. Why would you think this time is different. You have to break this cycle. It’s clearly not working for you. 

Nope the one post above made me think that something like that could actually work for me.  At the risk of what may come I think I may actually ask my closest confidants for help, something I have not done before, yes help was given when I did not ask for it but maybe it would be better to specify what sort of help I actually want! 

You do not agree with my aspirational way of living which is fine, many people do not but I find if I can find one ultimate goal to focus on I at least have direction. OLD does not provide that, maybe what it does supply is an unfortunate reality but if I can focus on some lofty goal I can ignore that reality. 

What I need to fix all of this some confidence, some degree of self worth and none that is accomplished with OLD, quite the reverse in fact. Yes you are right it is flawed because I will always want what I want, how to live with never getting is the hard part. Harder was having much of it and then it all falling apart. I punish myself about that every single day.

[Freya229]

What about if, instead of giving up on searching for someone, you shift your focus?  Don't actively search for someone, but rather spend time with yourself, improving yourself and finding ways to be happy alone.  Not in a hopeless way, or a "I refuse to date anyone" way, but more just concentrating on other things.  Hobbies, reading, learn a language, pick an exercise you really enjoy and find a group that does that together, make new friends.  Live your life.  Maybe you meet someone organically.  Maybe you don't.  I guess my advice is to stop stressing over it, stop beating yourself up over your mistakes, and make a conscious decision to be happy and do things that make you feel good about yourself.  What do you have to lose?

[NuevoYorko]

3 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

@ZA Dater none of what you’ve expressed here is new. You’re bringing out your greatest hits. Back to the same cycle. 

I was just going to post this.  @ZA Dater- are you aware of how identical this thread is to your other ones, although you are ostensibly posing a different question?

You bring something to the table and then proceed to dismiss every suggestion because none of them apply to you, in your opinion, and will not work for you.

In fact, you have some intrinsic notions about life and especially interpersonal relationships of all kinds that are simply false.  You're stuck between these and something you want.  The only way to get to what you want (whether it's dating or to free yourself from pursuing that) you'd have to challenge those erroneous ideas and stop using them to guide you in these situations.   So far, after years here, you have consistently refused.

 

 

[ZA Dater]

1 hour ago, NuevoYorko said:

I was just going to post this.  @ZA Dater- are you aware of how identical this thread is to your other ones, although you are ostensibly posing a different question?

You bring something to the table and then proceed to dismiss every suggestion because none of them apply to you, in your opinion, and will not work for you.

In fact, you have some intrinsic notions about life and especially interpersonal relationships of all kinds that are simply false.  You're stuck between these and something you want.  The only way to get to what you want (whether it's dating or to free yourself from pursuing that) you'd have to challenge those erroneous ideas and stop using them to guide you in these situations.  

I quite like the 1% idea so I reckon I'll try that out in some form. So far nothing I have experienced with OLD has proven me to be wrong. 

It's not like people are falling over themselves to spend time with me. Which is their choice. 

Trust me giving up and attempting to date are two sides of the same difficult coin.

Ultimately some are luckier than others.