Where exactly can you go these days to meet women?

[Thelambofdeth]

That's actually acceptable if you're an introvert, anxious, not college aged and not great looking? And before anyone says "anywhere", that doesn't count and only works for certain people. Or OLD, I'm too ugly for that, and before anyone says via friends, I don't have a huge circle. It seem like everyone just meets via OLD but if you don't have that options or a million friends, you're [out]

I pretty much only go to bars bc that's where my friends are willing to go, but it's a pretty limited net. Most of my interests are artistic like museums, art shows, concerts, poetry, film, fashion, etc and those are less places you go to meet women vs you take women on a date. Any suggestions? And no super extroverted suggestions like yoga or dancing or chit like that, please....

Edited March 3, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Weezy1973]

Basically you’re asking for things to change without being willing to do anything differently. If you want change, you need to step outside your comfort zone. 
 

As for suggestions, join clubs / groups focused on your interests. 

[Thelambofdeth]

23 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Basically you’re asking for things to change without being willing to do anything differently. If you want change, you need to step outside your comfort zone. 
 

As for suggestions, join clubs / groups focused on your interests. 

I'm willing to change, I just don't know how it a way that would really help..

That's very broad...

[basil67]

So you've just ruled out all the regular options which would be suggested to you.  So the only option left open would be for you to change.  Or accept waiting until you stumble across the right person.

Have you had therapy for your anxiety?  

[Thelambofdeth]

4 minutes ago, basil67 said:

So you've just ruled out all the regular options which would be suggested to you.  So the only option left open would be for you to change.  Or accept waiting until you stumble across the right person.

Have you had therapy for your anxiety?  

I haven't ruled them out, I just don't have the option (in the case of OLD) or they're too extroverted. (yoga, dancing)

I'm trying to find weird, quirky creative women, so most of the generic options wouldn't make much sense, anyway...

And no. Not really interested in therapy...

[Philosopher]

1 hour ago, Thelambofdeth said:

I pretty much only go to bars bc that's where my friends are willing to go, but it's a pretty limited net. Most of my interests are artistic like museums, art shows, concerts, poetry, film, fashion, etc and those are less places you go to meet women vs you take women on a date. Any suggestions? And no super extroverted suggestions like yoga or dancing or chit like that, please....

Are there any artistic focused meetup groups that hold meetups in art galleries, museums or cinemas where you live? If there are I would suggest joining and attending those meetups.

[NuevoYorko]

Yoga is not extroverted.   If you don't feel like participating, OK.

[basil67]

I'm introverted, weird, quirky and creative - and back in my dating days, I would have been found doing those "generic options".   Also, I've done yoga and dancing.   I'm not sure why you think that only the extroverted do these things. 

Have you asked your friends to give you constructive advice on your OLD profile?

 

[NuevoYorko]

Classes at a community college in some art form, writing, film study, etc.   

[Thelambofdeth]

28 minutes ago, Philosopher said:

Are there any artistic focused meetup groups that hold meetups in art galleries, museums or cinemas where you live? If there are I would suggest joining and attending those meetups.

I haven't looked into meet ups as I hear they're sausage fests or cliquey but it certainly is something I can look into. I live in a metro so but not a huge one so idk how many options there are...

 

Quote

Yoga is not extroverted.   If you don't feel like participating, OK.

Its...complicated. there's a stigma attached to being a straight man there. I'd be assumed as being creepy and it would take a great deal of confidence and charisma to dispell that and I have neither. It would just be awkward.

Edited March 3, 2023 by Thelambofdeth

[Thelambofdeth]

33 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I'm introverted, weird, quirky and creative - and back in my dating days, I would have been found doing those "generic options".   Also, I've done yoga and dancing.   I'm not sure why you think that only the extroverted do these things. 

Have you asked your friends to give you constructive advice on your OLD profile?

 

I think you're more an outlier than the norm, or you're just way more social that me. I would get lost in those places and just leave bc I was too anxious. Its not that I believe you need to be extroverted to do those things, just that they're outside my wheelhouse and I don't think I'd meet the kids of women I'd gel with there. I'm weird and that's the kind of women I need...

I have but it doesn't matter. I'm just too ugly to used OLD. I've tried everything to get better at it. Anything you can think of.

Edited March 3, 2023 by Thelambofdeth

[basil67]

Well, if you're not willing to address your anxiety or put yourself out of your comfort zone, nothing will change.

[Alpacalia]

Yoga is an adaptable practice, it is not necessarily extroverted or introverted.

There are various types of yoga practices that cater to different needs, goals, and personalities. Classes like gentle yoga or restorative yoga is more introspective and slower-paced, while power yoga and hot yoga is more energetic.

Ultimately, whether yoga is extroverted or introverted depends on the individual and how they choose to practice it. But I wouldn't say go to Yoga strictly to meet women.

The purpose of yoga is to improve your health and mental well-being, not to find a partner.

Try joining a local community group, volunteering, or participating in activities that align with your personal interests.

Edited March 4, 2023 by Alpacalia

[basil67]

I agree that yoga is not the place to find a partner.  People generally go there for their own wellbeing and not be be hit on. 

[Lotsgoingon]

You need to grab a woman--can be a coworker or cousin or friend as long as they're even slightly more outgoing than you-- and go to some the events you to mention and just allow that person to start conversations with people who seem interesting. You turn it into a game. She starts a little banter, eases you into the conversation.

Now, at some point you will have to talk to people. I wonder if we're all talking around that point here. No matter how nervous or terrified you are you have to show interest or curiosity and ask questions and share your own experiences if you want to meet people to date.

Paradoxically, your goal when grabbing a friend is not to hit on people. Actually this is always a great immediate goal. Because the best way to relax and connect with people is to not be obsessed and anxious about finding a date with them. 

Your goal is to say hi, smile and throw out a comment and maybe a question. Hi I'm X. I'm liking this exhibit. Let the other person respond, which they will do 99 percent of the time. Some will respond with a grunt or a "yeah, me too." Others will say more. You can say more. That's it.

Just practice getting that kind of engagement going.

I'm serious: is there a woman friend or cousin or coworker who knows you're shy that you can recruit to go with you at one of these events?

 

[NuevoYorko]

You are very handy with excuses and reasons why nothing can possibly work for you.  Addressing that attitude with a will to change it is probably the best first step for you to take if you're serious about meeting women to date and hopefully develop a relationship with.

[Thelambofdeth]

2 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

Classes at a community college in some art form, writing, film study, etc.   

I like that...as a way to further my intetests...but I'm 30. I'm not going to meet women that way.

[Thelambofdeth]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

Well, if you're not willing to address your anxiety or put yourself out of your comfort zone, nothing will change.

I'm willing to go outside my comfort zone...if it make sense. It's something I could feasibly do.

[Thelambofdeth]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

Yoga is an adaptable practice, it is not necessarily extroverted or introverted.

There are various types of yoga practices that cater to different needs, goals, and personalities. Classes like gentle yoga or restorative yoga is more introspective and slower-paced, while power yoga and hot yoga is more energetic.

Ultimately, whether yoga is extroverted or introverted depends on the individual and how they choose to practice it. But I wouldn't say go to Yoga strictly to meet women.

The purpose of yoga is to improve your health and mental well-being, not to find a partner.

Try joining a local community group, volunteering, or participating in activities that align with your personal interests.

Well...sure. I mentioned yoga bc there's a lot of women there and alongside dancing it's always one if the first places recommended...generically. 

The issue is I'd be going there alone bc my friends only really go to bars. And going someone that everyone else knows each and I'm new would.lead me to just getting lost, anxious and leaving. And as I said in my op, most of the activities I want to do, don't really lend themselves to meeting people. They seem like things you do when when you already have a date.

[basil67]

32 minutes ago, Thelambofdeth said:

I'm willing to go outside my comfort zone...if it make sense. It's something I could feasibly do.

Exactly.  Your anxiety is holding you back, it makes sense to address it.  Speak to your primary care physician   

Further, your default response to every suggestion is negative.  Dating requires a "can do" attitude, and honestly, you won't succeed until you believe you can

[Lotsgoingon]

When I have arrived at an event or an activity group for the first time, EVERYWHERE I look it seems like the people all know each so well. In those first moments, I'm like, "I'm here alone. I may not fit." Yada yada.  

And then I step in, look for somebody to sit near or stand near and I nervously and self-consciously walk towards this person.  And I swear 9.5 times out of ten in not too long, I talk to a person then another person and soon it becomes clear that my entry visual of the scene was completely wrong. There is one member who has been participating for a year, and another member two months and another member, two weeks.  There is no clique--despite all my nervousness upon first entering.

Over time, I've learned to ignore that sense of being "alone" when attending a group event for the first time.  Lots of people there are alone. They're there trying to be social and meet people--just like I am! And even among groups that have long-time members, plenty of them are quite open and friendly to newcomers. Quite so. And among the long-time members, they are there for a variety of reasons. 

 

 

Edited March 4, 2023 by Lotsgoingon

[Thelambofdeth]

1 hour ago, Lotsgoingon said:

You need to grab a woman--can be a coworker or cousin or friend as long as they're even slightly more outgoing than you-- and go to some the events you to mention and just allow that person to start conversations with people who seem interesting. You turn it into a game. She starts a little banter, eases you into the conversation.

Now, at some point you will have to talk to people. I wonder if we're all talking around that point here. No matter how nervous or terrified you are you have to show interest or curiosity and ask questions and share your own experiences if you want to meet people to date.

Paradoxically, your goal when grabbing a friend is not to hit on people. Actually this is always a great immediate goal. Because the best way to relax and connect with people is to not be obsessed and anxious about finding a date with them. 

Your goal is to say hi, smile and throw out a comment and maybe a question. Hi I'm X. I'm liking this exhibit. Let the other person respond, which they will do 99 percent of the time. Some will respond with a grunt or a "yeah, me too." Others will say more. You can say more. That's it.

Just practice getting that kind of engagement going.

I'm serious: is there a woman friend or cousin or coworker who knows you're shy that you can recruit to go with you at one of these events?

 

Why does it need to be a woman though? I work with pretty much all men and I don't have really any female friends. There's my friend's fiancé but that would be kinda weird...

[Thelambofdeth]

1 hour ago, Lotsgoingon said:

When I have arrived at an event or an activity group for the first time, EVERYWHERE I look it seems like the people all know each so well. In those first moments, I'm like, "I'm here alone. I may not fit." Yada yada.  

And then I step in, look for somebody to sit near or stand near and I nervously and self-consciously walk towards this person.  And I swear 9.5 times out of ten in not too long, I talk to a person then another person and soon it becomes clear that my entry visual of the scene was completely wrong. There is one member who has been participating for a year, and another member two months and another member, two weeks.  There is no clique--despite all my nervousness upon first entering.

Over time, I've learned to ignore that sense of being "alone" when attending a group event for the first time.  Lots of people there are alone. They're there trying to be social and meet people--just like I am! And even among groups that have long-time members, plenty of them are quite open and friendly to newcomers. Quite so. And among the long-time members, they are there for a variety of reasons. 

This is anecdotal, though. You hear or retellings all the time of people who go to meet ups and it's the exact opposite. I'm sure location and what specific group you're selecting as a big part in now easy it is to mesh...It's striking up those initial conversations that's the hard part...especially when you're anxious.

[NuevoYorko]

2 hours ago, Thelambofdeth said:

I like that...as a way to further my intetests...but I'm 30. I'm not going to meet women that way.

Why do you say that?   I have taken many classes at a community college or the University extension, including writing workshops, radio broadcasting, and Italian, most recently.  There are people of all ages there.   

[Lisa]

Thread has been closed.  OP has been offered much feedback, however none of it seems to resonate.  Thank you all for your participation