Workplace conundrum

[intrepidwanderer]

I'm just hoping to get this off of my chest.

I'm a 28 year old female bisexual. The person in question has never asked me my sexual orientation and I would therefore assume she thinks I'm straight.

Last September a new female (openly gay senior) started working at my workplace. We worked an initial nightshift together a month back and got along great. We started chatting more and more at work, generally teasing each other. We worked a number of weekends together, on a smaller workforce. Throughout the weekend there was a lot of teasing/joking around, lingering eye contact, touching hands on thighs and upper arm during conversation. At one point we were sat on the sofa together, as close as you could be next to someone both looking at my phone. She took my phone off me and sent herself a friend request off of my Facebook. As far as I have seen in work she hasn't behaved like this with anyone else. 

Since then the touching on thighs, upper arms has become a regular, arms on waist passing each other. Eye contact always lingering, flirty conversation. It's pretty obvious to me that she is flirting. There was a works night out and she squeezed herself in next to me, again more flirty conversation. One of my friends noticed.  I had been off the week previously and I asked her if she had missed me, to which she replied 'you know I have'. She's started confiding in me a lot more and over the last couple a weeks a change in rota means we are now on the same team. Last week she had had an upsetting consultation and started crying and I asked her if she wanted a hug, which she replied she did. I didn't mention anything to any other colleagues about her getting upset to maintain her privacy. However, the day after she had told a couple of colleagues she'd become upset, had been crying heavily and we'd had a friendly hug. I'm confused as to why she would mention this hug to colleagues? She's always the first one to view my social media postings, will bring them up in conversation.

A major caveat to all of this is that she has a partner. I think I'm just extremely confused as to what is going on.

[NuevoYorko]

She is only person who knows what's going on.  

SInce you're uncomfortable with it, why don't you maintain an appropriate "social distance" (not COVID style) that will inhibit the hands on thighs and around waists?   From your description, this is mutual handsy-ness and not harassment by your senior at work, is that correct?  If so, you have plenty of leeway to change this dynamic. As of now, you're an active participant.  

 

[intrepidwanderer]

It's definitely mutual - I'm more uncomfortable about the fact that I don't know exactly what it is that is going on with the situation.  I can't work her out.

[basil67]

She's got a partner.  How does this affect the equation for you?

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, intrepidwanderer said:

  she has a partner.

Yes, the complications are that she's in a relationship and you work together.  You stated she believes you're straight, so most likely she sees you as a good friend.

Try to step back and be friends. Even if she seems to be flirting, she's not available for a relationship at this time.

Edited March 4, 2023 by Wiseman2

[glows]

On 3/3/2023 at 4:27 PM, intrepidwanderer said:

However, the day after she had told a couple of colleagues she'd become upset, had been crying heavily and we'd had a friendly hug. I'm confused as to why she would mention this hug to colleagues?

To cover her own ass and avoid anyone else hearing it elsewhere or misconstruing it as something else. Think of it this way: you only just met and started working with one another, coworkers have seen you both flirting at work, she probably senses exactly the same thing you do - that there are sparks and chemistry but it’s work and she’s in a relationship. She doesn’t know you that well or what kind of person you are or that you won’t talk about her.

Why shouldn’t she mention the hug? Her whole life might blow up if things got back to her partner about her flirting with one of her colleagues or if there were rumours. 

It would be a different story if you both were very discreet and never flirted or touched each other at all or were never seen near each other at work. 

 

[intrepidwanderer]

Just now, glows said:

To cover her own ass and avoid anyone else hearing it elsewhere or misconstruing it as something else. Think of it this way: you only just met and started working with one another, coworkers have seen you both flirting at work, she probably senses exactly the same thing you do - that there are sparks and chemistry but it’s work and she’s in a relationship. She doesn’t know you that well or what kind of person you are or that you won’t talk about her.

Why shouldn’t she mention the hug? Her whole life might blow up if things got back to her partner about her flirting with one of her colleagues or if there were rumours. 

It would be a different story if you both were very discreet and never flirted or touched each other at all or were never seen near each other at work. 

 

This likely makes the most sense. Although, part of me had hoped that this wouldn't have been disseminated to other colleagues. It definitely takes it away as being a moment just between us two which I assume was the point of conversing about it. 

The mixed messages are hard. 

[mark clemson]

On 3/3/2023 at 4:27 PM, intrepidwanderer said:

A major caveat to all of this is that she has a partner. I think I'm just extremely confused as to what is going on.

There's no need for confusion. One of two things is going on:

- She's flirting with you for fun and she never intends anything to come of it, OR

- She's flirting with you as a prelude to an affair.

The "confusion" likely stems from you being attracted but also aware she has a partner, so there's a conflict going on in your brain/decision making process: should you, or shouldn't you? You're a participant in this, and you of course can ultimately choose to end things, participate in it however far it may go, or participate but only up to a "line". That decision is of course, yours.

Morals vary and some people have major problems with the idea of an affair, while others engage in them to varying degrees. Since they are "love triangles," to the extent that strong feelings are involved, it's typical for at least one person to eventually "get hurt" emotionally.

I would note that some people have a "policy" to not get romantically involved with people in their place of work. There's a certain wisdom to that approach, since if there's a breakup or other problem, working together makes things even more complicated.

[NuevoYorko]

This type of post is so common and they always confuse me.  

I guess I understand why you'd be interested in understanding what's driving her etc.  But doe it really make any difference?  

The #1 thing is:  What are YOU wanting out of this and how do you plan to proceed?   Do you want to have a workplace affair with a married person?  You're behaving on track for that.   Say it goes that way:  I suggest you play that out in your mind before continuing with the flirting etc.   It's unlikely to have a very satisfactory trajectory for either your emotional or professional life.   

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, intrepidwanderer said:

part of me had hoped that this wouldn't have been disseminated to other colleagues.

A hug means nothing, really. I’ve hugged coworkers as we have supported each other through various personal and professional challenges. But, in the context of other inappropriate touching and personal conversations, it has the potential to get the office gossips going… 

Bottom line - if you don’t want your colleagues to know that you’re flirting with your married coworker, it’s best not to flirt with your married coworker.
 

 

Edited March 5, 2023 by BaileyB

[JTSW]

On 3/4/2023 at 12:27 AM, intrepidwanderer said:

Throughout the weekend there was a lot of teasing/joking around, lingering eye contact, touching hands on thighs and upper arm during conversation. At one point we were sat on the sofa together, as close as you could be next to someone both looking at my phone. She took my phone off me and sent herself a friend request off of my Facebook. As far as I have seen in work she hasn't behaved like this with anyone else. 

Since then the touching on thighs, upper arms has become a regular, arms on waist passing each other.

Honestly, my best friend and I (both female) are like this.

We are very close but it doesn't mean anything romantic. 

We also tell each other we miss each other if we haven't seen each other for a while.

We are both happily married.

[intrepidwanderer]

Thought I'd drop in to give a bit of an update. Since the original post we worked a couple of night shifts together. Again very flirty, chatted a lot. Lots of the same. She's started texting at length from around 9:00pm onwards. I'm assuming this is when the partner is not around/in bed as there's minimal communication via text during the day.

However, the oddity is that last night I didn't respond to one of her texts last night and she was quite standoffish with me in work this morning. Whereas normally she'd sit next to me without fail on the sofa, she actively avoided me today. I asked if everything was okay, she said she was tired. 

One of my close works friends has noticed that she's around me a lot so whether the woman in question is making an active effort to make people less suspicious I don't know.

[stillafool]

I really don't know what difference any of this makes considering she's already partnered.  What do you want to happen?

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, intrepidwanderer said:

 whether the woman in question is making an active effort to make people less suspicious I don't know.

Since there's no office affair going on, it's doubtful she is trying to avoid suspicion. Perhaps coworkers think you're good friends? Why would they be suspicious?

[NuevoYorko]

Are you hoping to start an affair with her?  I'm confused.

[JTSW]

I think you need to take a step back.

She has a partner so it's best not to get involved.

Flirting or not, you cannot get involved.