Two stubborn people

[justwhoiam]

I broke up with him 22 days ago, and I wish it never happened. I had just come back from a trip, same day, and we were on the phone.

Not sure why I'm writing here.

I could disclose the reason why, but it's quite stupid. I mean he was being very sensitive about something I mentioned about jews (not my statement, I reported something I had read in a book). As he's Jewish, he took it personal and got mad. Then said sorry, but didn't really mean it. I felt like he was questioning me as being racist after 11 years together. Maybe I took the comment too lightly. But so many times he sent me jokes about my ethnicity, and not once I got mad at him, I was just commenting on what a stereotype that was, etc.

In short, things escalated, and I was in disbelief, how could he question me at my very core, after knowing me for 22 years and together for 11?

I do understand where he's coming from, but he didn't have to accuse me of racism.

He was relentless about it, I was exhausted, and not seeing him understanding of anything (and I was driving on the highway when all this happened), and then he hung up on me (he turned silent on me and I said it was useless to be on the phone like that, then he hung up or asked me should I hung up and I said yes). After a few hours from all that, he wrote he was sorry because he realized he went too far with it, but he didn't really mean it. I was hurt, and I wrote: "I'm in the hospital". He neglected the message right away and said: "Stop it, you're not in the hospital". That was somehow eye opening for me. I thought: he doesn't care at all, if he did, he wouldn't have written what he wrote, and his reaction would have been totally different. And I said you know what, let's break up. It was my turning blowing things out of proportion.

That's how it went.

I wish I had a crystal ball to see if he's going to reach out to me and when and realizing he went too far with it.

[Alpacalia]

Sorry to hear that your relationship ended. Eleven years? That's a long time and unfortunate that a misplaced comment brought it to a close. I think most likely there was a cumulative effect of underlying issues that had been building up and the incident was the final trigger.

When you told him you were hurt and in the hospital, he immediately dismissed your message by saying you were lying. This was a realization for you that he didn't care about your well-being, and if he did, he would have reacted differently. In retrospect, you acknowledge that you may have overreacted, but it was a turning point in recognizing the issues in the relationship.

It makes sense that you would decide to end the relationship after feeling like your message was disregarded or not taken seriously. Breaks up are always tough. I'm sorry you had to go through this experience.

[justwhoiam]

You figured it out pretty well. Now, I'm the bad guy, because after all of the above, I removed him from my contacts on Skype. Then I received a message from Skype that he wanted to connect with me, so I put him in my contants again and sent him a message, asking if he wanted to talk to me, and he said no, and he proceeded explaining to me how that was a standard Skype message and it wasn't him asking to connect with me. At that point, I kinda lost it. And blocked him. Not before typing some hurtful remark like "You're the meanest person I've ever met."

Now he's hurt and won't contact me. I'm hurt and won't contact him. Total waste of time that will never come back. And we're not getting younger.

[ShyViolet]

If the relationship was able to blow up and end over one comment you made that offended him, then the relationship had much deeper issues and it wasn't really just about that one comment.  There's no way that a healthy 11-year relationship would come to an end simply over this one comment you made that might have been offensive.  I am going to take a wild guess and say that this relationship probably wasn't working for a while.

2 hours ago, justwhoiam said:

. I was hurt, and I wrote: "I'm in the hospital". He neglected the message right away and said: "Stop it, you're not in the hospital". That was somehow eye opening for me. I thought: he doesn't care at all, if he did, he wouldn't have written what he wrote, and his reaction would have been totally different.

Were you actually in the hospital or were you lying to see what his reaction would be?  It's not clear and I hope it's not the latter.

[Mrin]

Question: were you actually in the hospital?

[Els]

Seconding the hospital question.

It's hard to know from the little information we have whether the relationship was already dead in the water and this incident just cemented it, or if this was just an issue with communication and managing emotions. Generally speaking, escalating a conversation like that when one or both parties is tired, hungry, angry, etc,  is bound to go nowhere. It's usually a better idea to de-escalate, eat or rest or do whatever you need, then think about it with a fresh perspective. You might still come to the conclusion that the relationship isn't worth saving and that this was the last straw. But at least you'd know, whereas now we don't.

[basil67]

When he was being relentless, what were you saying in return?   Were you defending yourself or were you apologising for repeating racist stereotypes?   Yes, I understand he might have said things to you in the past about your culture, but two wrongs don't make a right.   You should have apologised on the spot to deescalate.  And then later, tell him that you'd appreciate him not doing the same thing to you.  

[ ] 

Edited March 5, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
off topic

[justwhoiam]

5 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

I am going to take a wild guess and say that this relationship probably wasn't working for a while.

Everything was fine.

"Were you actually in the hospital or were you lying to see what his reaction would be?  It's not clear and I hope it's not the latter."

My point of view: I was away on a trip during which we had limited contact. So upon my return, I was hoping to resume and I was met with the above. Then he hung up. I was driving on the highway. And I still had like 30 minutes to reach home. Time spent thinking of what happened. I couldn't check messages. Once I got home I checked my messages and nothing. Then after a few HOURS, he wrote. By then, I was upset, and came up with "I'm in the hospital". Because he had the guts to start an argument while I was driving on the highway. He should care, right? But he didn't show he did. I guess it was his wild guess that nothing happened to me, but still, disappointing.

[justwhoiam]

4 hours ago, Mrin said:

Question: were you actually in the hospital?

No.

[basil67]

Given he knows you well enough to counter with "you're not in the hospital", I'd say that he does know you to your core.

[Alpacalia]

That was very wrong to lie about being in the hospital.

Especially when you're seeking outside advice.

At some point you'll have to learn that you cannot always rely on your partner to always make you feel better.

It is a very unhealthy way to cope. It's always better to try to take responsibility for your own emotions and not use manipulative tactics to get your partner's attention.

[justwhoiam]

3 hours ago, Els said:

Generally speaking, escalating a conversation like that when one or both parties is tired, hungry, angry, etc,  is bound to go nowhere. It's usually a better idea to de-escalate, eat or rest or do whatever you need, then think about it with a fresh perspective. You might still come to the conclusion that the relationship isn't worth saving and that this was the last straw. But at least you'd know, whereas now we don't.

Well, he was stressed, I know about that. I'm usually there for him, but I was away for less than a week. Someone in the family is dealing with a bad case of OCD. Plus, he had been put on standby for a promotion, then the person who was supposed to make it happen resigned. All contributed to his stress. He even said he missed me. I missed him too. So I was really looking forward to being back...

[Mrin]

45 minutes ago, justwhoiam said:

No.

Wait and then you acted all indignant about him calling you a liar when in fact you were lying? And then you broke up with him because he correctly called you a liar? Am I understanding this correctly?

Have you done this before with him? Lied to him that you were sick or in the hospital in order to elicit some sort of reaction? Why on Earth would you tell him you were in the hospital?

Edited March 5, 2023 by Mrin

[justwhoiam]

35 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

That was very wrong to lie about being in the hospital.

Especially when you're seeking outside advice.

I didn't understand your comment. I shouldn't have said I was in the hospital especially when I'm seeking outside advice? Are you referring to me writing here?

I'm not sure I'm looking for advice. But if you have any to offer going forward, I'm all ears.

[justwhoiam]

42 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

you'll have to learn that you cannot always rely on your partner to always make you feel better.

It is a very unhealthy way to cope. It's always better to try to take responsibility for your own emotions and not use manipulative tactics to get your partner's attention.

I think when you're in a relationship, it's mutual. I'll make him feel better when he's down and vice versa. And it was meant to be a lesson for him to not get into a heated argument when someone is driving on the highway, as things can go wrong very easily. I know better and I would have never done that to him.

Sadly enough, I'm not sure there'll be time to ever adress that.

That said, I don't think the fact had any relevance to him. I think he's still stuck on the Jewish comment, and most of anything my last remark about him being mean.

[justwhoiam]

23 minutes ago, Mrin said:

Wait and then you acted all indignant about him calling you a liar when in fact you were a liar? And then you broke up with him because he correctly called you a liar? Am I understanding this correctly?

Have you done this before with him? Lied to him that you were sick or in the hospital in order to elicit some sort of reaction? Why on Earth would you tell him you were in the hospital?

Wait a second, who called me a liar? No, you didn't understand this correctly.

"Have you done this before with him?"

Saying I was in the hospital? Yes, but I really was in a hospital, when that happened in the past. So making that up, never. Why did i do it? Please see my comment in previous post.

Edited March 5, 2023 by justwhoiam

[glows]

I’m not quoting it here but the comment was intended as a positive yet repeating any kind of stereotype can be damaging as there are other implications. Is that all people think of when they think of this specific culture? What about those of that culture who aren’t good with money? Are they alienated? Don’t matter? Should be left out?  

It did cross my mind whether he or you both as a couple have any financial challenges. It may have nothing to do with the racial stereotype or in tandem with other issues like money or how he’s doing personally. 

I don’t get the overall sense that you respect this man much given that you lied about the hospital comment or are waiting to see whether he’ll come back. He would have a very low self esteem to want to be with someone who wants to test him that way.

I’m not sure what the point is being with him in the first place if you feel censored or can’t say what you want. He doesn’t feel respected by you and vice versa because you’re upset he thinks you’re racist. So much distrust and resentment here, just not giving each other the benefit of the doubt. It’s exhausting listening to someone’s opinions about different cultures - personally speaking this would bore me to death. Why not share in different traditions? Talk less, show more and do more together to appreciate one another’s cultures. Visit museums, celebrate traditional holidays, go on trips together, pray together, make traditional food at home together and so on.

Edited March 5, 2023 by glows

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, justwhoiam said:

I broke up with him 22 days ago.  I was driving on the highway when all this happened

Have you been in touch since? Let the dust settle. Try not to take calls while driving, especially on a highway. 

[justwhoiam]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Have you been in touch since? Let the dust settle. Try not to take calls while driving, especially on a highway. 

No, except for like 2 days after, when I messaged him and it all got worse. Yeah, I'm letting the dust settle, knowing it could take a while. And the risk of not hearing from him anymore. I'm willing to take the risk, at this point.

I was the one telling him I'd be driving and if he wanted/could call, please to do so. I knew he had to work/could have had meetings, and I didn't know his exact schedule, because the previous days we had very limited contact and we didn't talk about work. The call was hands free through speaker's phone, my phone is connected to the car system. Thanks for letting me clarify that, and I appreciate you saying that.

[Weezy1973]

Although you may have thought everything was fine in the relationship, clearly he didn’t. And lying about being in the hospital really suggests everything was not fine. That’s not something folks in a healthy relationship would do. And he knew exactly that you were lying. And so it’s over. Might actually be for the better all things considered.

[justwhoiam]

1 hour ago, glows said:

It did cross my mind whether he or you both as a couple have any financial challenges. It may have nothing to do with the racial stereotype or in tandem with other issues like money or how he’s doing personally.

Well, he explained his investments to me multiple times, I'm no expert on that stuff, but it seems like he knows what he's doing. Now that's even the irony. I didn't bring that up, obviously. I wasn't trying to get him heated.

"I don’t get the overall sense that you respect this man much given that you lied about the hospital comment or are waiting to see whether he’ll come back."

I do respect him, but this time he went too far. And again, he made nothing of that comment. It slid as if I never even brought it up. The funny thing is that it keeps being mentioned here, but it was an issue for me, not for him. But people are free to think otherwise. Maybe you're right, I'm being dropped for mentioning I was in a hospital when I wasn't.

"He would have a very low self esteem to want to be with someone who wants to test him that way."

I don't know how to feel anymore. He doesn't have low self esteem. If anything, he's very stubborn. Unfortunately, I can be that way too. Especially for a good cause. And to me, this is a major cause. I can't be censored in my relationship. And by the way, I brought it up because I had taken the book at the library before flying to that country to read on the plane before getting there. It was full of history content. Of course it was not the first thing I mentioned, it was one of the things, among others.

"It’s exhausting listening to someone’s opinions about different cultures" 

It was a real fact about the history of the country.

"Why not share in different traditions?"

Who said we don't do that? That's quite silly. Few months ago, I was arranging a Japanese tea in a Japanese tea house, then it didn't work out as that needs to be booked well in advance, and I wanted it to be a surprise. Then we went to Indian restaurants multiple times as we both like Indian cuisine now and then. I could mention lots more. We do go to museums together. We share Hanukkah together and Christmas.

 

[IrinaM]

7 hours ago, justwhoiam said:

To give you more context: The country had like an economic crack, politicians were accused of what happened. Some anarchy time followed and a group of people proposed to have some jewish people in the country "because they know what they are doing with money", meaning they could help them.

okay so you read this in a book, and for some reason thought he'd be interested in hearing it. Why did you decide to relay this info, while driving on the highway, talking to your boyfriend after you just got back from a long trip and hadn't seen each other in a long time? How was this the right thing to talk about?

eta: it seems you think he should have believed that you actually were in the hospital, since arguing with your boyfriend while driving on the highway increases the risk of causing an accident. Since you understand that talking/arguing on the phone while driving increases the risk of car accident, please stop doing it. There's nothing so important that you can't talk about it later. I'm sorry, but I get a certain way when people are so flippant about distracted driving. Two of my friends died in a single-car collision due to distracted driving. My friend who was driving survived for three days on life support. Had he woken up, he would have been charged with vehicular manslaughter. Please don't think that you can't kill someone with your car, because you sure can.

Edited March 5, 2023 by IrinaM
add the last part

[justwhoiam]

2 minutes ago, IrinaM said:

okay so you read this in a book, and for some reason thought he'd be interested in hearing it. Why did you decide to relay this info, while driving on the highway, talking to your boyfriend after you just got back from a long trip and hadn't seen each other in a long time? How was this the right thing to talk about?

I think it came up because he was in that same country years ago. The country went bankrupt once and then into economic crisis twice after that. He asked me questions about the situation now, I answered and I also remembered what I had read.

Before that, there was the talking of how he missed me, how I missed him, and updating each other about a few things. I didn't even tell him I had to file a claim for damaged baggage. There was much more we didn't have the time to cover on the phone call.

I honestly thought he could find that interesting.

[IrinaM]

i mean this in kindness, i promise:

do you often have problems reading social cues, or determining what would be an appropriate topic for the situation? (i'm kinda getting that impression)

[justwhoiam]

1 hour ago, IrinaM said:

it seems you think he should have believed that you actually were in the hospital, since arguing with your boyfriend while driving on the highway increases the risk of causing an accident. Since you understand that talking/arguing on the phone while driving increases the risk of car accident, please stop doing it. There's nothing so important that you can't talk about it later.

I just noted you added a paragraph to your original post. You raised an important point. Talking to him while driving wasn't distracting me, as I was focused on the road, and for me it was like talking to someone in the vehicle, just like anyone can normally do. What I thought was out of place was messing up with someone's mind while they are driving. He knew I was on the highway. You're right. I guess we were both impatient to resume talking after I got back. Nothing's so important that it can't be discussed later. I was driving to be with my son, and I knew that after getting there, I'd be spending time with my son, so I wanted to make some time for him (bf).

I've been driving for 28 years, so I know the importance of driving safely. I'm not dismissing your advice. I will not talk to him while I'm driving anymore, should he ever be back.