Two stubborn people

[justwhoiam]

7 minutes ago, IrinaM said:

i mean this in kindness, i promise:

do you often have problems reading social cues, or determining what would be an appropriate topic for the situation? (i'm kinda getting that impression)

Very short answer: no.

[Alpacalia]

9 hours ago, justwhoiam said:

I think when you're in a relationship, it's mutual. I'll make him feel better when he's down and vice versa. And it was meant to be a lesson for him to not get into a heated argument when someone is driving on the highway, as things can go wrong very easily. I know better and I would have never done that to him.

Sadly enough, I'm not sure there'll be time to ever adress that.

That said, I don't think the fact had any relevance to him. I think he's still stuck on the Jewish comment, and most of anything my last remark about him being mean.

I agree with you. It is inappropriate for him to have gotten into a heated argument as you drive.

Meanwhile, you offered an olive branch by informing him you were driving and if he wanted/could call you, please do so.

Then you were pissy with him when he did call and made a flippant remark about being in the hospital (which I assume at this point you were trying to drive a point for getting into it with you when you were driving).

Was the comment framed (the Jewish comment) as a joke with your boyfriend? The use of humor as a medium of expressing ideas can sometimes be interpreted as offensive. It is sometimes difficult for me not to joke myself and something I am trying to reduce.

Having been together for 11 years, I am not sure if it is all that unusual for people to joke about certain things with each other (especially after being together for 11 years). Generally speaking, studies have shown that the longest lasting and most stable relationships are those in which the couple can joke with one another (in a polite and loving way (of course).

But that's due in part to the ability of the partners to laugh at the same things.

Whatever comment you made obviously stung, so all you can do is be mindful of that and make amends.

Him joking about your ethnicity might have worn you down enough for you to respond, albeit passive aggressively. Though I can't say for sure if maybe that's how he's felt all along towards you?

[justwhoiam]

18 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Meanwhile, you offered an olive branch by informing him you were driving and if he wanted/could call you, please do so.

No, I didn't offer an olive branch, that would mean we were not OK with each other and had to make up. No.

This is the sequence of events:

got back from trip > had to drive to my son and told him I was getting into my car to drive and if he wanted to call we could talk > he called > we talked > at a certain point, while talking, he got offended because of that thing I mentioned from the book > I then tried to make him understand he was shooting the messenger and it was useless but he was relentless > he hung up > I reached my destination > after hours from that, he messaged me saying he was sorry and he shouldn't have blown things out of proportion > I wrote "I'm in the hospital" > he dismissed that completely typing "you're not in the hospital" and his words made me realize he still thought he was in the right, so his apology meant nothing > he was relentless again > exhausted from the trip, the treatment and everything I said let's break up

Did I really mean it? No. I didn't wake up that day thinking it was the day we'd break up. Did he want that to happen? There was no indication about it. He even said he dreamed about me while I was away and he told me the whole dream.

[Weezy1973]

4 hours ago, justwhoiam said:

Did he want that to happen?

11 year relationships don’t end because of one relatively minor incident. But there’s enough unhealthy relationship behaviour in this one incident to suggest this was just the straw that broke the camels back. On your end the two most egregious examples are:

 

1. Lying about being in the hospital. This is passive aggressive. Your goal is to make him feel bad. That is extremely bad for relationships. 
 

2. Asking to break up when you didn’t really want to break up. This is one of the worst things a partner can do. You should want your partner to feel safe in the relationship. Threatening to break up is the opposite of that.

 

And now it seems you’re trying to justify your behaviour. Again, this doesn’t bode well for the relationship. Instead of seeing your mistakes, feeling bad, and offering a genuine apology, you’re trying to prove your point to us. 
 

Again, all this in one somewhat minor incident suggests there were many problems going on here for a longer time. And at this point he might not see the need to prolong a bad relationship. 

[Mrin]

4 hours ago, justwhoiam said:

I wrote "I'm in the hospital" > he dismissed that completely typing "you're not in the hospital" and his words made me realize he still thought he was in the right, so his apology meant nothing > he was relentless again > exhausted from the trip, the treatment and everything I said let's break up

Sorry to dwell on this but I think there is something here. When my GF said she was in the hospital I jumped in the truck immediately and drove to the hospital. Heck my teenager jumped in the truck with me because they were worried about her too. That sort of immediate reaction (either in person or immediate call) what you would expect in even a somewhat healthy relationship. That didn't occur here with you guys. And honestly, the fact that it didn't is probably why you are broken up. 

Let's set aside the whole fact that you were lying about being a hospital for a second. At the time you texted "I'm in the hospital" he couldn't have known that that was a lie (unless you share your location with him on your phone). So... Why did he have the reaction he did?

1) possibly it's because you have a history of doing things like this - lying or lying to get a reaction. Is that the case? Have you lied to him in the past particularly in ways like this? If so, then I don't think this was a healthy relationship and I don't think you're a healthy person to be in a relationship with. Trust, honesty and communication are the bedrock if any sort of relationship and dishonesty is the surest way to destroy that.

2) if you haven't been dishonest with him in the past then his reaction strikes me as cold and cynical. I mean, in the end he was actually pointing out the truth - that you weren't at the hospital. But he didn't Know that at the time. So that tells me he's pretty much done with this relationship because that's a pretty awful way to show up for a partner. So in a way this is like suicide by cop? Being such an unpleasant partner that your partner breaks up with you.

3) The last possibility is that he reacted that way because he's still angry about what you said regarding his ethnicity. Since you guys have known each other for 22 years and have been in a relationship for 11 I'm going to set aside the whole rightness or wrongness of what you said. The fact of the matter is you said something that upset him. And that's just what happens in relationships, right? Enough words come out of your mouth and sooner or later you're going to say something that upsets your partner. Lol. So, you said something, it triggered him, you both had conflict, didn't do it particularly good job resolving it, and decided to end the call/conflict (right thing to do). He tried to resolve it with an apology (right thing to do). And then you sent the "i'm in the hospital" test text. If he did the ignore and then call your bluff thing because he was still angry at you then I would suggest he has some anger issues. And some priority issues. I would think you would have seen a track record of this in the past. Have you?

So which is it? Only you know. Your whole story lacks any backstory regarding the relationship. And it isn't like this is a 3-month relationship. You guys have a 22-year history with an 11-year romantic history. I guess what I'm trying to say is this breakup isn't really about the thing you broke up about. This breakup and how you two showed up for each other is all about a whole bunch of stuff to which only you have privvy. What's been going on in your relationship for the past year that led to this?

Anyhow I hope this helps!

Mrin

 

Edited March 5, 2023 by Mrin

[justwhoiam]

1 hour ago, Mrin said:

then I would suggest he has some anger issues. And some priority issues. I would think you would have seen a track record of this in the past. Have you?

So which is it?

Hi Mrin,

It's definitely #3. He showed anger before. He followed a course on anger management too. But that was many years ago. Well before the pandemic. I guess things piled up in his mind.

Let's see what happens, if anything.

 

[justwhoiam]

1 hour ago, Weezy1973 said:

11 year relationships don’t end because of one relatively minor incident. But there’s enough unhealthy relationship behaviour in this one incident to suggest this was just the straw that broke the camels back. On your end the two most egregious examples are:

 

1. Lying about being in the hospital. This is passive aggressive. Your goal is to make him feel bad. That is extremely bad for relationships. 
 

2. Asking to break up when you didn’t really want to break up. This is one of the worst things a partner can do. You should want your partner to feel safe in the relationship. Threatening to break up is the opposite of that.

 

And now it seems you’re trying to justify your behaviour. Again, this doesn’t bode well for the relationship. Instead of seeing your mistakes, feeling bad, and offering a genuine apology, you’re trying to prove your point to us. 
 

Again, all this in one somewhat minor incident suggests there were many problems going on here for a longer time. And at this point he might not see the need to prolong a bad relationship. 

I could reply to all of this, if you were interested. But are you? Because you seem to have it all figured out already.

On a side note, yes, sometimes relationships end over a minor incident or misunderstanding, when neither person wants to give in. I am aware of that.

[Weezy1973]

2 hours ago, justwhoiam said:

On a side note, yes, sometimes relationships end over a minor incident or misunderstanding, when neither person wants to give in. I am aware of that.

Only relationships that were unhealthy to begin with. Again this minor incident and plenty of unhealthy behaviours on both sides. I doubt it’s isolated to just this incident. 

 

2 hours ago, justwhoiam said:

I could reply to all of this, if you were interested. But are you? Because you seem to have it all figured out already.

Like I said, the fact you seem more interested in justifying your behaviours instead of acknowledging they were unhealthy and then apologizing for them speaks to the general dysfunction of the relationship. You’re making it a contest - you vs. him - instead of both of you being on the same team. 

[Alpacalia]

8 hours ago, justwhoiam said:

No, I didn't offer an olive branch, that would mean we were not OK with each other and had to make up. No.

This is the sequence of events:

got back from trip > had to drive to my son and told him I was getting into my car to drive and if he wanted to call we could talk > he called > we talked > at a certain point, while talking, he got offended because of that thing I mentioned from the book > I then tried to make him understand he was shooting the messenger and it was useless but he was relentless > he hung up > I reached my destination > after hours from that, he messaged me saying he was sorry and he shouldn't have blown things out of proportion > I wrote "I'm in the hospital" > he dismissed that completely typing "you're not in the hospital" and his words made me realize he still thought he was in the right, so his apology meant nothing > he was relentless again > exhausted from the trip, the treatment and everything I said let's break up

Did I really mean it? No. I didn't wake up that day thinking it was the day we'd break up. Did he want that to happen? There was no indication about it. He even said he dreamed about me while I was away and he told me the whole dream.

The solution you came up with was a result of feeling that he was trying to control you and you couldn't handle it anymore. The comments you made reflected your need to stand up and tell him he was wrong. Clearly, all you could think of was to say what you said in order to make him realize that there are consequences to his actions.

It's understandable that you may have felt frustrated or unheard in your conversation with your him, but lying about being in the hospital may not have been the best way to address the situation. Using a lie that you were in the hospital as measuring stick to test his care and concern for you obviously backfired.

 

 

[Lotsgoingon]

Did you say everything was fine before this incident. 

That is impossible. You guys would not have gone up in flames so quickly if everything was fine.

Maybe you guys were not openly fighting and arguing. But that's a problem in itself. Healthy couples do argue and disagree and they are in touch with each other's soft spots, vulnerable spots. That's how they can avoid having devastating explosions erupting. They put out the little fires all along and learn how to step around each other's soft spots.

Just to back up: just because you see something in a book doesn't mean it won't be offensive to speak about it to a partner. There's all kinds of insulting and sexist stuff about women in books. Doesn't mean that repeating that book "information" to a woman partner will be fine, without consequences.  But again, I don't think that's the issue. One issue is how after 11 years of dating you didn't know what types of comments about Jewish people he found offensive. And how, after 11 years, did he not have more trust for you and give you a break for saying something (one time I presume) that he found ignorant and insulting.

Everything was not fine. 

 

 

 

[justwhoiam]

This thread was not meant to justify myself, rather to share a breakup story.

[Lotsgoingon]

OP, 

Sounds like both of you are in pain. Goodluck.

[justwhoiam]

6 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

OP, 

Sounds like both of you are in pain. Goodluck.

Yes. Day 25.

[ExpatInItaly]

You are both in the wrong, and this sounds like a total mess. 

Healthy relationships don’t go up in flames over one comment, nor does one partner feel compelled to manipulate the other by lying about being hospitalized - and the other partner immediately knew it was a lie for attention. That is all very revealing of what you two are really like with each other, and it’s not pretty.

I don’t buy for one moment that everything was fine before this. The way you interact with each other just in this episode is dysfunctional and that doesn’t suddenly erupt out of nowhere. 

It sounds like it’s best that this is over and you can one day move on from each other and find healthier partnerships with other people. 

[basil67]

On 3/5/2023 at 11:14 PM, justwhoiam said:

I then tried to make him understand he was shooting the messenger and it was useless but he was relentless

"Don't shoot the messenger" is relevant when we MUST deliver information which will be poorly received.   Such as a team leader being instructed to implement changes which will be unpopular with the team.

In this case, it was you CHOSE to deliver information which you'd read, and which he found offensive.   Your response should have been "I'm sorry, that was thoughtless of me"