Am I his second choice, and he loves his best friend?

[TheblueMoon]

1 hour ago, princessaurora said:

My husband had a girl he had been friends with since childhood. Their parents were in the same ballroom dancing club and the two of them were basically forced friends. This went on into their teens and right about mid year their freshmen year of college, things went from platonic to romantic. She lived and attended college out of state, so he decided to switch over to her school  for sophomore year and they stayed together the whole time .She decided to move back to her hometown about 2 hours from there at the end of the school year and broke up with him because she didn't trust he would remain faithful. He accepted that and they broke up but were stlll close friends since they had been for so much of their life.

They talked on the phone alot. She knew every detail of our relationship including when we started having sex. That's when she decided she wanted him back. I could go on for 6 pages about what happened over those next few years but in a nutshell, he basically could never be faithful to her again once he met me. He would promise her we were just friends and nothing was happening but believe me, it was happening all the time with me and occasionally with her. I was his girlfriend, albeit a secret he kept from her. She figured it out eventually  and talked him into moving up there to see if they could save what they had. I feared that would be the end for us, but a few weeks after he settled into his new apt, he was inviting me up and even though I knew I deserved a better healthier relationship, I couldn't resist because i was in love with him. They eventually broke up for good and he went a little nuts after that. We took a break and during that time he basically had a harem of women he was sleeping with, 7 to be exact. I tolerated it at first because he was still sleeping with me, but when he left me at his place one night to go see one of them, that's when the lightbulb went off and I walked away from him. He fought for nearly a year to get me back. I even had him thrown out my workplace, but after dating others and trying to force myself to feel something with no success, I finally gave in to his request to see him over Thanksgiving break. This is when he poured his heart out and  told me he loved me and he wanted to marry me as soon as I graduated college. After that there were no more issues with other women. But, I ended up pregnant with my daughter shortly after and we married that following July. 

We've now been married for almost 24 years. and have 3 children.  Those first few years I struggled wondering if i was his second choice, if he had preferred her and only chose me when she removed herself as an option. I obsessed over If the wedding would have even happened had I not had an oops.  But over time, I have come to realize he brought losing her on himself by continuing to have a relationship with me, when he promised her he wouldn't.  If he truly loved her he would have remained faithful. If he truly loved her when she broke up with him in fear he would cheat, he would have fought for her and assured her he wouldn't. But instead, he attends her party and basically secures himself a new girlfriend before he even moves back home. (We were both from the same city and both moving back home,) 

She even told him during their final breakup she was done because she knew he would never give me up. He told me years later he could never give me up  because he loved me and a big part of being with her was to please his parents who always wanted them together, especially his mother. His mother always made him feel like a disappointment and the one thing he did to make her happy was be with that girl. His mother despised me btw, because I destroyed her fantasy of him being married to her friend's daughter. He didn't even tell her they had broken up that first time,  so when we met me she assumed I was the pretty floozy who stole him away. His father adored me and wanted his son to be with who he really loved, but his mother tried to stop us from even seeing each other. He told her he would cut all ties with her , before he would ever give me up. I was there when he said it and the look on her face was priceless.  She did come around a bit once she found out she was going to be a grandma, but I never got to have the relationship  with her I had hoped because she couldn't get over me ruining the life she had planned for her son. Sadly, she passed only a few years after we were married and that hope was completely lost.

Just recently, my husband's father died as well, and the girl sent a condolence card in the mail to my husband. It was very personal and did upset me a bit, but it was a lifetime ago they even spoke, so I'm not going to let him know it bothered me. She is married now too and has been for many years. 

I know your husband never had a relationship with his bff, but I still wanted to share because I know what it feels like to wonder if you're second choice. But like others have said, if something was going to happen between them, it would have happened by now. He married you, he chose to make a lifelong commitment to you. Who knows what was going on in his head when he caught feels for her? He may have only felt that way because he was single at the time and looking for a new option. If she's even moderately attractive, that makes it a no brainer because he knows what he's getting. It's easy to gravitate towards someone we know because it takes all the stress out of trying to find someone knew. I have alot of friends who have questioned whether or not they have feelings/attractions towards their opposite sex close friends, but most of the time it didn't work out because they were only putting that person in the romantic category to fill a void.

And this was before you, remember that, before you. His feelings for you have nothing to do with whatever he felt for her a year before. For all you know, had he been with her in a romantic way when he met you, he may have still fallen for you. You are the person he has chosen, so do your best everyday to show him he made the right choice.

Do not allow your paranoia to destroy your relationship. 

Thank you so much for your answer to my comment. It actually does help to see that you were able to get over those feelings of feeling like the second choice.

I'm aware that in my post, I explain how he had feelings for her in the past. These last days I found out that he did tell her an that she rejected him, many many times. He spend 4 months with this dilemma if he should tell her. When he finally told her she said she didn't want a relationship. He spent 3 weeks trying to convince her that it would work between them. And she spend 3 weeks rejecting him, but also not letting him of the hook. Wanting to know that if at some point she does consider, if he would be there to try. It seems like in those 7 years they were friends, he had thought about her in a romantic way more than that last time he told her about his feelings. And this friendship has made more than one of his ex girlfriends uncomfortable and jealous, including one of her own friends. She constantly commented how she hopes he finds someone that is not gonna hate her. 

I wanted to be okay with that friendship, I even told him we should invite her and her boyfriend. I tried to look for the fault in myself, that I have just insecurities and that anyone else would be okay with this close friendship. But the truth is, that I spend almost 3 years wondering if there were feelings involved and if anything had happend. Because it didn't feel to me just like a friendship. During those 3 years he lied to me, because he knew that and he knew that our relationship might have taken a wrong turn. Even now, finding out what I found out, the answer that I seem to deserve is "I don't remember this happening" when everything is written in black and white.

It should have been my choice, with the truth, to decide if this was okay or not. Not spend years of my life, wondering, what the hell I can do to stop "negative thoughts" towards that relationship, if he tells me that there never was anything. I don't think it matters much what people think about having to accept this type of things or not. I think everyone should decide for themselves where his boundaries stand. It's not about insecurities, everyone is different and everyone has different boundaries. 

 

 

[NuevoYorko]

Did you find out all the minute details of their timeline over 7 years from reading his texting history on his phone, or did you get him to tell you?  

 

1 hour ago, TheblueMoon said:

I don't think it matters much what people think about having to accept this type of things or not. I think everyone should decide for themselves where his boundaries stand. It's not about insecurities, everyone is different and everyone has different boundaries. 

Regarding the above:  I agree with you.  If you can't get over it, you can't get over it.  That's up to you.  I do feel strongly though that since you're determined to allow this situation to define your relationship with the man, you really need to end that.  

Personally, I don't think that who we loved, how many people we had sex with,  etc. are likely to be the business of anyone we are currently dating or in a relationship with. I do  think there are some exceptions:  I wanted to tell my SO that I had cheated once in my past because I felt that they deserved to know.  But, that's my choice.   I would not be interested in a relationship with someone who needed to know all of that and especially if I were constantly being held accountable for it and asked to manage insecurities of  a new person who is with me in a completely different phase of life.  It would be a dealbreaker. 

Do you know what your plan is for going forward?

[TheblueMoon]

2 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

Did you find out all the minute details of their timeline over 7 years from reading his texting history on his phone, or did you get him to tell you?  

 

Regarding the above:  I agree with you.  If you can't get over it, you can't get over it.  That's up to you.  I do feel strongly though that since you're determined to allow this situation to define your relationship with the man, you really need to end that.  

Personally, I don't think that who we loved, how many people we had sex with,  etc. are likely to be the business of anyone we are currently dating or in a relationship with. I do  think there are some exceptions:  I wanted to tell my SO that I had cheated once in my past because I felt that they deserved to know.  But, that's my choice.   I would not be interested in a relationship with someone who needed to know all of that and especially if I were constantly being held accountable for it and asked to manage insecurities of  a new person who is with me in a completely different phase of life.  It would be a dealbreaker. 

Do you know what your plan is for going forward?

I read it. It's not the case here. It is not about holding him accountable for his feelings for someone else or his exes. Again, everyone has a past and that's totally fine. The problem occurs when you bring that past into your future, where things that should be in the past don't seem to be in the past. He didn't only have 1 close female friends. Why did I feel uncomfortable with this specific person? Why did I question that this friendship doesn't seem to be strictly friendshipy?  How do people notice they are being cheated on, because their behavior doesn't fit with their words. But when you don't know the truth, how can you only decide based on fear.

See, he tells me he cut the contact. But then he text her for her birthday and lets her keep her Spotify spot on the spotify account. He tells me he doesn't know what to tell her. It's been 5 months now. That just shows me that he rather keeps me uncomfortable with that than making her sad. The things we read on these platforms are just the tip of the iceberg, (and I'm not talking about little things like the Spotify story) So many things take place that shape how we see a situation.

I'm not sure what to do... We're gonna discuss this and see. 

 

[TheblueMoon]

Btw guys, I thank you all so much for your inputs. I know some problems that are big for one, might seem very small for others. But we come to this platform for insights and kinda some comfort, as well. It's so important to be kind in this world. We all go through so much throughout our lives and it's not always easy to talk and acknowledge certain topics.

[princessaurora]

His feelings for her were established before he met you even if he had them earlier in his time knowing her, and they were not reciprocated. Putting him on the back burner as a romantic interest was just her way of turning him down without losing the friendship. With you he has a real reciproated love and that is what a relationship/ marriage should be built from.

He cut ties with her,  so its clear who means more to him. So just relax, let the insecurities  and jealousy go. There is no comparison to what you and your husband have in this situation. 

[stillafool]

24 minutes ago, TheblueMoon said:

. He tells me he doesn't know what to tell her. It's been 5 months now. That just shows me that he rather keeps me uncomfortable with that than making her sad. The things we read on these platforms are just the tip of the iceberg, (and I'm not talking about little things like the Spotify story) So many things take place that shape how we see a situation.

You are correct that he seems to not want to make her sad by letting her know he didn't forget her b-day.  Since this is the tip of the iceberg of what's happened, I would end it if I were you.

[stillafool]

5 minutes ago, princessaurora said:

There is no comparison to what you and your husband have in this situation. 

I think he's just a boyfriend.

[princessaurora]

25 minutes ago, TheblueMoon said:

See, he tells me he cut the contact. But then he text her for her birthday and lets her keep her Spotify spot on the spotify account. He tells me he doesn't know what to tell her. It's been 5 months now. That just shows me that he rather keeps me uncomfortable with that than making her sad. The things we read on these platforms are just the tip of the iceberg, (and I'm not talking about little things like the Spotify story) So many things take place that shape how we see a situation.

I'm not sure what to do... We're gonna discuss this and see

So now he's admitting he does  still have contact with her?  Yeah, you definitely need to have a talk. 

[princessaurora]

On 3/5/2023 at 9:54 AM, TheblueMoon said:

Hello guys,

My husband has a female best friend, whom he's been attracted to since they met 12 years ago . We started dating long distance end 2018. When I visited him half a year later in his country, he introduced her to me shortly as his best friend.

At the end of 2019 we got married in my country and stayed there.

@stillafool

See above, they married in 2019. 

[NuevoYorko]

If it keeps going, it will be living hell for the OP and for her husband both.   No relationship can withstand this.  If a person cannot let go of something that's in the past, it's huge baggage in the everyday life of a marriage.  It's just madness to keep that going.   

Especially since it turns out he didn't cut contact with her after all.   Now you have fresh fuel for your insecurity and jealousy.   

Aren't you ready to free up the both of you to move on?

He won't be with that woman, since she doesn't want to AND he fell in love with you and chose you to marry.  Still, he probably deserves to be with someone who will be able to tolerate the existence of this kind of friend in his life.  And you deserve to be with someone who doesn't have that kind of friend, since it's so painful for you.  

Stop the bleeding.  Both of  you deserve a life without it.

[Els]

On 3/6/2023 at 1:54 AM, TheblueMoon said:

I asked him several times if he had feelings for her in the past, to which he always answered no, that she's always been like one of her guy friends, like a bro. But I've always felt like there was something more.

I know this is wrong, but I looked through his conversations and found out that a year before we started dating he had feelings for her and had always been attracted to her.

I am a person who has plenty of opposite sex friends myself, and have no issues with my partner having them. The lies would still be a red flag for me, personally. It's one thing for him to honestly admit that he had feelings for her in the past. Another thing entirely for him to lie about it.

What conversations exactly did you see? Most people don't keep their phones for 5 years. So was he talking recently about his feelings for her?

[JTSW]

On 3/11/2023 at 6:12 PM, TheblueMoon said:

It seems like in those 7 years they were friends, he had thought about her in a romantic way more than that last time he told her about his feelings.

Highly doubtful.

He wouldn't keep hope for that long.

He had multiple rejections from her so he probably got the hint early on.

He valued their friendship though, that's why she is still around.

He obviously doesn't have feelings for her anymore because he loves you.

[NuevoYorko]

I don't think that any adult with their feet on the ground would carry a torch for someone not interested in them for seven years, including throughout a marriage.  I've been alive for a few decades and I've never heard of anything like that.  Yes, an old flame can be re-ignited.  That's not unusual.  But a married person pining away for somebody they had "romantic feelings" for almost a decade prior?  Unlikely.