Why do I miss him?

[Annonymousparty1]

Hi all, I regretfully did the one thing I said I would never do and cheated on my husband. I won't disclose how long I've been married and with my husband but I love him more than anything. I always hated the thought of another man near me that isn't him. But then it happened. A few months ago someone I once knew from my past, who was my biggest crush ever, added me on Facebook. We had a connection back then and shared kisses but never slept together. Both ours jobs took us in different directions so we lost touch. We chatted and caught up. We are both married now but he admitted that he a few months after we lost touch he came back to look for me but I had also moved jobs. He told me he missed me and would love to see me. I agreed because I thought it would be nice to start a friendship again. We met and he hadn't changed bit. We still had a connection and were drawn to each other. Long story short, we began an emotional affair that eventually turned physical. We slept together twice (yes I feel really horrible and guilty about it) and would text and talk on the phone all the time. He told me he had fallen in love with me and wanted to be with me. I was very sexually attracted to him but I wasn't in love with him and I never had any intention of ever leaving my husband. He would say the most loving things to me and tell me how much he loves me. Over time I found him to be quite difficult and if he found out that I had been intimate with my husband he would get really shitty with me. I couldn't handle his moods and I realised that my husband is the only man I want and love. This guy just sucked me in. I ended it and told him I would like to remain friends but he just completely froze me out. I know it's for the best and its a relief that we don't talk anymore, but why do I miss him? 

I just wanted to get this all off m chest as I have been upset that I lost him as a friend.

Please don't judge me as I have judged myself enough. 

[Wiseman2]

18 minutes ago, Annonymousparty1 said:

 I found him to be quite difficult and if he found out that I had been intimate with my husband he would get really shitty with me.  I ended it and told him I would like to remain friends but he just completely froze me out.

Sorry this happened. It seems like the fantasy of him didn't match the reality of who he is. Perhaps you miss the escape/fantasy? 

It's good you ended it. Make sure you delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps. Don't attempt to be friends with someone who seems unhinged.

 

[Annonymousparty1]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. It seems like the fantasy of him didn't match the reality of who he is. Perhaps you miss the escape/fantasy? 

It's good you ended it. Make sure you delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps. Don't attempt to be friends with someone who seems unhinged.

 

Hi Wiseman, thank you so much for your comment.  I think you're right that its the fantasy and maybe the attention that I miss. I reached out once only asking if we could still be friends but he just said 'we have nothing to talk about' which just made me realise that it was just sex that he wanted from me, even though he said he never wanted to lose me. Oh well, its all for the best that I ended it and cut contact now.

[mark clemson]

You probably miss all the attention. It's often true that "new love" is going to stimulate us a bit more than an existing stable relationship. For better or worse, this is how human brains tend to work. So you miss him and the feelings he brought along with him.

However, you've seen that he isn't right for you and it isn't going to amount to anything, as well as what appears to be a negative side to him. So it would seem your best option is to focus on making yourself as happy as you can within your marriage and with your husband.

"The grass is greenest where you water it."

[BaileyB]

10 hours ago, Annonymousparty1 said:

This guy just sucked me in.

We’re you a victim or a volunteer?

I don’t ask in judgment, I just think that it would serve you well to really think about your role here. If someone that I knew from my youth contacted me out of the blue after years of no contact - I would add him as a Facebook friend, we would send a few messages back and forth giving a little life update, and that would be it. Your interest in this man jumps off the page. I would suggest that he didn’t “suck you in”  as much as you pursued your own interest and failed to enforce a healthy boundary for your marriage. 

As to this idea that you can be “friends” with your affair partner, I would ask - how fair is that to your husband? If you love your husband “more than anything,” put his best interest ahead of your own and do him the kindness of ending all communication with your affair partner. 

Of course, you will continue to think of your affair partner for some time. Affairs are a mind #^[€. If you find that your thoughts are obsessive, I would advise that you speak with a counsellor. 

[stillafool]

10 hours ago, Annonymousparty1 said:

He said he wasn't attracted to his wife anymore, hasn't been for years. Said he wasn't sure if he even loved her anymore and he definitely had no interest in sex with her anymore. Probably all BS I know.

What did you tell him was your excuse for wanting to have sex with him?

[Annonymousparty1]

11 hours ago, BaileyB said:

We’re you a victim or a volunteer?

I am most definitely not a victim and I don't claim to be. I am just as bad, I know that. I'm not innocent by a long shot. I hold my hands up to my part in this.

11 hours ago, BaileyB said:

If you love your husband “more than anything,” put his best interest ahead of your own and do him the kindness of ending all communication with your affair partner. 

I have ended all communication. I haven't spoken with him for a while now. I do love my husband more than anything and I am incredibly ashamed of myself for being so weak when it came to this guy. If I could take it back I would.

[Annonymousparty1]

11 hours ago, stillafool said:

What did you tell him was your excuse for wanting to have sex with him?

There are no excuses for what I did. I always told him that I loved my husband and I would never leave him for anyone. I was stupid and weak, I know that.

[Annonymousparty1]

Thank you for your replies. I really do appreciate you taking the time to comment. Just to clarify that I am no longer talking to this guy. Contact was cut a short while ago. I don't claim to be a victim in this and I'm not innocent by a long shot. I have never been unfaithful before because I love my husband so much and I am ashamed of myself for being so weak. That's on me. I am relieved that it's over and my husband and I are great. 

[Will am I]

In summary:

* your old crush made an appearence (noting that he took the initiative)

* you reconnected

* you fell back in love with him and there was an affair

* you felt guilty about having an affair and ended it

* he pulled out of the friendship

 

I think he only had one thing on his mind and that was to start a romantic and sexual relationship with you. 

 

23 hours ago, Annonymousparty1 said:

I just wanted to get this all off m chest as I have been upset that I lost him as a friend.

There are two observations to make here:

1. he does not seem to have an interest in a friendship;

2. he may not be "marriage material" (given his apparent disrespect for your marriage as well as his own)

 

[Annonymousparty1]

3 minutes ago, Will am I said:

you fell back in love with him

I never fell in love with him. It was just infatuation. I never believed his admissions of love either.

4 minutes ago, Will am I said:

I think he only had one thing on his mind and that was to start a romantic and sexual relationship with you. 

I think you are 100% right. 

4 minutes ago, Will am I said:

he does not seem to have an interest in a friendship;

Again, I completely agree.

[Will am I]

You might say that he took advantage of your lingering old feelings when he wanted to start an affair and targeted you. 

I think that line of thought might make it easier to let him go. You have every right to be angry.

 

[Annonymousparty1]

14 minutes ago, Will am I said:

You might say that he took advantage of your lingering old feelings when he wanted to start an affair and targeted you. 

I think that line of thought might make it easier to let him go. You have every right to be angry.

 

I think you are right. Thank you.

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, Will am I said:

You might say that he took advantage of your lingering old feelings when he wanted to start an affair and targeted you. 

Sure, a man that I knew from my youth sends me a random Facebook message and I wonder - what‘s he after? The moment that it moved beyond - “Hey, great to see you again! You are married and you have two kids. Amazing!! Love your photos from the Grand Canyon…” you knew what he was after. The simple truth is, you were amiable. You had a crush on the man, you jumped on board, and here you are today. 

He may have been scrolling through old acquaintances looking for a “target” - be that for a relationship or an affair. He seems to be more “the relationship type” than the affair type to me. It was your decision to pick up the phone that is the problem here. Most women would have seen him coming and said - “I know what you want, to the left buddy…” But you effectively said, “here is my chance…”

No, he does not want to be friends with you, that much is clear. And you need to keep your eyes forward if you want to keep your marriage because your husband deserves more than this…

Edited March 7, 2023 by BaileyB

[Annonymousparty1]

7 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

you effectively said, “here is my chance…”

No, he does not want to be friends with you, that much is clear. And you need to keep your eyes forward if you want to keep your marriage because your husband deserves more than this…

A bit harsh. No, I never once thought 'great here is my chance', that is wrong. I hate myself for being weak, you don't have to make me feel any more worse than I already do. I hate what I did. I have never gone behind my husbands back before and I deeply regret it. I will never happen again. I've learned my lesson. I'm not innocent but I'm not a bad person either. 

[Will am I]

1 hour ago, Annonymousparty1 said:

I think you are right. Thank you.

Going forward, you are facing two questions.

The first one: how to deal with what happened? The affair was relatively short-lived, two sexual encounters. You could sweep it under your own private rug and keep it a secret forever. Or you can come clean to your husband. I guess both options have their pros and cons.

The second one: why were you so vulnerable when you are in a marriage that seems to function well and while you indicate your husband is the only one for you?

 

 

[Annonymousparty1]

5 minutes ago, Will am I said:

why were you so vulnerable when you are in a marriage that seems to function well and while you indicate your husband is the only one for you?

Honestly, my marriage is great and my husband is a really good man. I just had my head turned and got lost in the fog of fantasy. It was my one and only mistake. 

[stillafool]

5 hours ago, Annonymousparty1 said:

There are no excuses for what I did. I always told him that I loved my husband and I would never leave him for anyone. I was stupid and weak, I know that.

So if you are in love with your husband and had no plans to ever leave him why did you have sex with another man?  What is to prevent you from doing this again?  I mean at least "he said" he didn't love his wife anymore, hasn't had sex with her in years.  Even though that was a lie it was an excuse why he wanted sex with you.  You talk as if your husband is providing everything you need but yet you chose to cheat on him.  You say you're sorry and ashamed but you're on this thread complaining that the OM doesn't want to be your friend and you miss him.  Do you really think that is the best thing for your marriage or for you?  OM has turned your friendship offer down because he knows he's not looking for a friend but for sex.

[stillafool]

51 minutes ago, Annonymousparty1 said:

Honestly, my marriage is great and my husband is a really good man. I just had my head turned and got lost in the fog of fantasy. It was my one and only mistake. 

It wasn't a mistake but a choice.  

[Will am I]

1 hour ago, Annonymousparty1 said:

I just had my head turned and got lost in the fog of fantasy. It was my one and only mistake. 

I'm not accusing you of being a serial cheater  

But I do believe that there is always something underneath, something that makes us vulnerable to fall for an OM or OW.

Understanding the source of your weakness and sharing it with your spouse may help to make your marriage better. 

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

OM has turned your friendship offer down because he knows he's not looking for a friend but for sex.

Or for her to leave her husband to be with OM. The thing that he’s not interested in is an affair (he doesn’t like the fact that she is still having sex with her husband and happily married with no intention to leave) or to maintain a “friendship” with no sex. 

There is a basic incongruity to your posts OP, as was poised out by still a fool. You say that you are happily married but you had sex with another man. You say that you feel guilty but you want to stay in contact with your affair partner. Personally, I believe that it is actually all of the above - which is why I am kindly (although, I appreciate that it doesn’t feel kind) trying to suggest (as are the others who are posting) that you haven’t done the work here. You haven’t really worked to understand why and accept responsibility for the decision to cheat on your husband. “it just happened, it was a mistake” is not a valid answer, I’m afraid. And that is what I hear in your posts - “He initiated contact… These things happen… It was a mistake that I now regret… But we were drawn to each other…” If you don’t want this to happen again, you need to drop the excuses and take responsibility for the decision to have sex with another man. Because, the fact that you asked to stay friends with the man tells me that you haven’t really learned the lesson here and you are at risk of this happening again. I hope you prove me wrong, just being honest. 

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

So if you are in love with your husband and had no plans to ever leave him why did you have sex with another man? 

The answer to that question has played out on this board time and time again… she has had a crush on this man for a long time. This was her opportunity, and she wanted to see what it would be like… mission accomplished. 

Edited March 7, 2023 by BaileyB

[Bryanp]

I see some major issues here.

First, if I read this correctly, you were having sex with your husband during the time that you were  having sex with the OM. This means that you were clearly putting your husband at risk for STD's. You and your husband need to be tested for STD's.

Second, if the roles were reversed, wouldn't you expect your husband to come clean and be honest with you? By not telling your husband the truth, then you are still disrespecting your husband and your marriage.

[Annonymousparty1]

I am being painted here as some evil disrespectful serial cheater but that is not me. I have NEVER cheated on my husband before and I deeply regret it. It will never happen again. I will never tell my husband either. Yes, I thought me and that guy could be friends because in the past we were great friends before we got close, but obviously that will never happen and I no longer want anything to do with him. My husband is all that matters to me. It's easy for people who don't know me to make assumptions about me but allot of these are wrong.

[Will am I]

35 minutes ago, Annonymousparty1 said:

I am being painted here as some evil disrespectful serial cheater but that is not me.

I never intended to come across like that. If I did, I apologize.

 

What I (as well as some other respondents) did call you out for, is to not rug-sweep the affair too easily.

Not for the sake of judgement, but for the sake of learning. It's a little bit too easy to say "I just had my head turned". I have been in a brief affair myself and I could have said the same thing, xOW seduced me. She did, actually, and when she did it took my by surprise. But I let her get that close in the first place. I must have given signals that I would be available. I believe  there's always some responsibility with both parties, we can't put it all on the person who actively searched for the affair or who got inappropriate first.

 

Allow me to be as rational and nonjudgemental as I can be.

Here's an observation: affairs are costly exercices. In the very least they cost a great deal of emotional energy (the energy that's flowing happily when you are enjoying the affair but you need when you decide to recommit yourself to your marriage) In other cases the cost may also have other dimensions, including monetary.

Because you already incurred the cost of the affair, the logical decision is to make it into a source of learning. And that learning could benefit yourself as a person and your marriage too.

 

 

Edited March 9, 2023 by Will am I
typo

[stillafool]

4 hours ago, Annonymousparty1 said:

I am being painted here as some evil disrespectful serial cheater but that is not me. I have NEVER cheated on my husband before and I deeply regret it. It will never happen again. I will never tell my husband either. Yes, I thought me and that guy could be friends because in the past we were great friends before we got close, but obviously that will never happen and I no longer want anything to do with him. My husband is all that matters to me. It's easy for people who don't know me to make assumptions about me but allot of these are wrong.

No one is painting you out to be anything we are only responding to what you've written.  It's up to you if you expose your husband to another man's sperm and not tell him about it.  You say you regret it and that it will never happen again yet you make a thread of how much you miss him.  The only way you could be or should be friends with any guy is if your husband knows him and is comfortable with the friendship.  You see how loose your boundaries were with this man so why would you even want his frienship and to put yourself in that position again?  Look to your husband to fulfill the needs you were seeking from the other man.