Why do I miss him?

[Freya229]

On 3/7/2023 at 11:29 AM, Bryanp said:

I see some major issues here.

First, if I read this correctly, you were having sex with your husband during the time that you were  having sex with the OM. This means that you were clearly putting your husband at risk for STD's. You and your husband need to be tested for STD's.

Second, if the roles were reversed, wouldn't you expect your husband to come clean and be honest with you? By not telling your husband the truth, then you are still disrespecting your husband and your marriage.

All of this.  Whether it was a "mistake" or not is a separate discussion.  You are lying to your husband, every single day.  You are stealing from him the right to make good decisions based on all the information.  

This WILL come out.  He will find out.  And when he does, not only have you betrayed him in the cruelest way possible, you lied to him, tricked him.  I would say this to anyone, man or woman, who cheats: Being "sorry" doesn't change what you did, and you have no right to steal someone's life by lying to them about the relationship they're in.  You can say all day long that you won't do it again, that he can trust you now.  But that should be his decision, not yours.  

You say you don't consider yourself a victim, but resent being "painted as a serial disrespectful cheater."  You aren't taking responsibility for what you did.

Choices have consequences.  The passive way you talk about your affair, as though it was something that happened TO you instead of something YOU did, sounds to me like you're not taking responsibility.  And you're not.  Taking responsibility for your actions means being honest about them and facing the consequences.  Your husband deserves the truth.  He doesn't deserve to be lied to and made a fool of by you.  You've betrayed him enough, I think you should stop betraying him by lying to him.   

Edited March 9, 2023 by Freya229

[mark clemson]

Keep in mind, if you choose to "come clean" with your husband about this in an effort to improve things, or stop deceiving him, etc., - well, there MIGHT be no marriage to continue, depending on how he reacts. YOU'LL be the one stuck divorcing, dealing with the aftermath, trying to start over as a single woman, etc, etc.

It's not that good can't ever come of telling. SOMETIMES it can. But SOMETIMES it blows up the marriage right then and there - instantly, permanently, and irrevocably.

You know your husband. As with most situations in life, one is TYPICALLY best off making a decision that's rational, well-thought-out, and wise, not one driven by a desire to "punish yourself," sense of guilt, or other negatively emotionally charged state.

Edited March 9, 2023 by mark clemson

[Annonymousparty1]

18 hours ago, Freya229 said:

This WILL come out.  He will find out.  And when he does, not only have you betrayed him in the cruelest way possible, you lied to him, tricked him. 

Tricked him? How the hell have I tricked him? I have tricked no-one. He will never find out. I will never tell him. Our marriage is great and we are close so I'm not going to rock that. I just want to put it all behind me and forget.

18 hours ago, Freya229 said:

Choices have consequences.  The passive way you talk about your affair, as though it was something that happened TO you instead of something YOU did, sounds to me like you're not taking responsibility.  And you're not.  Taking responsibility for your actions means being honest about them and facing the consequences.  Your husband deserves the truth.  He doesn't deserve to be lied to and made a fool of by you.  You've betrayed him enough, I think you should stop betraying him by lying to him.   

I have betrayed him and that is unforgivable I know. But I just want to forget it. We are happy and nothing will get in the way of that.

[Annonymousparty1]

16 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Keep in mind, if you choose to "come clean" with your husband about this in an effort to improve things, or stop deceiving him, etc., - well, there MIGHT be no marriage to continue, depending on how he reacts. YOU'LL be the one stuck divorcing, dealing with the aftermath, trying to start over as a single woman, etc, etc.

It's not that good can't ever come of telling. SOMETIMES it can. But SOMETIMES it blows up the marriage right then and there - instantly, permanently, and irrevocably.

You know your husband. As with most situations in life, one is TYPICALLY best off making a decision that's rational, well-thought-out, and wise, not one driven by a desire to "punish yourself," sense of guilt, or other negatively emotionally charged state.

I will never tell him. We have a good marriage. We are closer than ever and I wont let anything or anyone ruin that. It was one mistake that I just want to bury in the past. 

[Annonymousparty1]

I appreciate what you guys are saying but I am not going to tell my husband anything about this. Please stop advising me to come clean because that is not going to happen. You may think I'm selfish and I probably am. I'm not innocent and I hold my hands up to doing a bad thing. But I deeply deeply regret it. I will not be making that same mistake again and I will not cause friction in my marriage when there is no need.

[BaileyB]

Quote

We are solid, neither of us need counselling.

If I was your husband and I agreed to reconciliation after learning about your affair - the first thing that I would ask you to do and an absolute dealbreaker for reconciliation would be that you get counselling. 

So, the fact that you have no intention to tell him about your affair does not mean that you can not/should not do the work. With or without his knowledge, personally I think it’s the least you can for the man…

In your haste to sweep this under the rug, you are doing yourself a real disservice if you don’t do the introspection and learn the lessons here… And by that, I don’t mean “I’ve learned to appreciate my husband and I will never do this again…” which is basically what we have heard in your posts. That is the obvious, surface lesson. It would be a darn shame if you put this in a box never to be opened again and wrote it off as “he turned my head” and “I’m glad that’s over. I will never do that again…” As I said above, that kind of answer to why did this happen would be completely unacceptable to me if I was your spouse. And I think if you are able to be honest with yourself, you would say the same if the roles were reversed. 

Edited March 10, 2023 by BaileyB

[Annonymousparty1]

We do not need counselling (could never afford) and I'm not telling him so please stop telling me to do this. No good will come from telling him so I'm just putting it all behind me and moving on. 

[Will am I]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

In your haste to sweep this under the rug, you are doing yourself a real disservice if you don’t do the introspection and learn the lessons here

I strongly support this.

It's not about having to confess, it's not necessarily about counseling. But to learn to understand your own motives and why you ended up doing something that you never thought you'd do, that is so valuable.

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Annonymousparty1 said:

We do not need counselling

To be fair, counselling would be a waste of your time and money right now because you aren’t really willing to look inside. And it doesn’t have to be “counselling,” you are also not really open to the experience and support  that you would find on this board. You have made your decision to a sweep this under the rug… which, is your decision. But again, you are doing yourself and your husband a real disservice if you just lock this away in a box because you are ashamed and you don’t do some serious self reflection. This is an opportunity for growth, but only if you decide to take it.

 

Edited March 10, 2023 by BaileyB

[Bittersweetie]

Anonymous, I was a MW who had an affair. It seems like you realize this wasn't the healthiest choice that you made. I would suggest that you take a really hard look at yourself and the choices you made to figure out why you thought what you were doing was okay. Sometimes it happens in steps: it's no big deal if we email. Or talk. Or meet. Then it snowballs...but at every step, you had the chance to stop. And you didn't. Why?

After my affair and d-day, I did a lot of therapy and self-reflection to figure out why I did what I did. And the answer did not lie with my husband; it was all on me. My husband and I are still together (he knows everything), but I have no doubt that if I had not done the hard work of facing what I'd done and working through all of my issues, I may have done it again. Instead I addressed the root causes and built healthier coping skills which was not easy but worth it. So what made you vulnerable to this man? And what could make you vulnerable again, to this man, or another one? You say you have learned your lesson. What lesson exactly? 

I know the pull to just forget everything and move on. I really do. But do you really think that is the healthiest choice for you long term? I agree with Bailey, you are doing yourself a disservice sweeping under the rug. Yes it will be hard and painful and not easy, but I do think the work is worth it. Good luck.

Also: if you cannot afford therapy. Some things I did: I journaled A LOT. I read a lot of books, about relationships, self-esteem, affairs, etc. You can see what the library has. I read message boards like this one, reading stories from all sides. I would get nuggets of knowledge that I'd expand on in my journal. 

Edited March 10, 2023 by Bittersweetie

[mark clemson]

9 hours ago, Annonymousparty1 said:

It was one mistake that I just want to bury in the past. 

Well fair enough. If that's you're intent, I tend to agree with others above that therapy might be helpful to prevent a repeat. Look for a good, licensed therapist with a lot of experience. Be aware that a small, but real, % are weirdos and/or have "agendas" so if they start making recommendations or suggestions you're not comfortable with it might be best to switch to a different one.

There is always a small risk of discovery. To address that I'd suggest keeping venting to friends about this at an absolute minimum (preferably none at all). "Loose lips sink ships" and affairs are juicy gossip. Save it for a therapist and don't have therapy sessions in your own home where snippets of your conversation might be overheard. Delete any online traces such as text messages or other items as soon as is feasible as well.

It's unfortunate, but it might be what you need to do to remain as secure as possible. Even with that, there is always a small risk of your husband finding out somehow eventually. You should have a plan for that eventuality just in case it happens.

IF that happens, coming clean fully and being as transparent as possible are probably advisable. Unfortunately there are folks, for example in online chat groups, who will insist to your husband that you are hiding information even when you aren't. So, again - IF you're in that situation, do what you can to demonstrate you are fully disclosing everything.