My life feels ruined b/c of MM

[lonelyfriend]

Hi guys. This is going to be a long post. Looking for advice and or words of encouragement or anything really. I’ve never felt so low in my life. I just want to let it all out. Thank you for reading if you do. 
 

So last year I met a man [online]. I was going through something really bad at home, I am [20-something]. I was desperate so I posted on that forum looking for advice. He [(50-something)] messaged me and we started chatting. We ended up talking every single day. For the first time in my life I let all of it out to someone, and he gave me really good advice, really helped me see the other side of things…. Feelings got involved on both sides. He knew everything about me from the get go, my age, what I’m doing in school etc.. I didn’t get to know his age or even see what he looked like until [] months in. And when he told me his age, it didn’t matter to me honestly. I was already in love with him. It was also [] months later he told me he had a family. At first it was, yea I’m separated with my wife and I Have kids ( all his kids are older than me) but the kids and wife don’t live with me. And then it was, okay the wife and kids do live with me but we’ve been separated for [] years, we don’t share the same room/bedroom and we’re getting a divorce soon just waiting for some asset stuff idk. Of course I told him I didn’t feel comfortable talking to him, it was weird to me he still lived with his wife. But he assured me they were separated, even sent me a picture of his hand to show me he has no ring shadow. So I believed him. And things took off from there. I never had any reason to suspect anything else. Or maybe I was just stupid. Fast forward a year later his wife finds out, and lo and behold. They were never separated. They were sleeping in the same bed. Everything he told me was a lie. He even lied about his last name. I’d already met him twice at this point and I felt awful. 
 

During the relationship, like when I first started talking to him, he told Me about a girl he hooked up with from work. Even sent a picture of her. For that reason I never suspected he was married or in a relationship. He also told Me about other girls he had hooked up with in the previous year. All in all he sounded very single.So when he did tell me he was separated, I believed it. 
 

The first time his wife finds out, I tell him I’m done.. he tells me I’m selfish to walk away and that he needs to stick around to help me with my abuse s***…. The second time she finds out I’m done for good, he tells me I am abandoning him, I never loved him if I could walk away and if I throw him away from my life I’ll live a life of rape and taken advantage of… I stay…. He ends up getting really sick during the holidays, [] sick… and I want to call it quits super bad because I couldn’t handle not knowing how he’s doing… id only find out via a couple Emails a day.. he is anti vax, so [] hit him hard.. maybe it was selfish for me to want to walk away but it was killing me, and he had a wife and [] adult kids at home.. I was living alone doing school… the entire month he has [] I am telling him I’m done, any time I did that he would tell me I didn’t care he was sick and if I walk away now I will never know if he dies of [] .. that really made it hard to go… when I’d stop replying he would tell me he hopes [] kills him, he’s gonna go crash his car, that I’m selfish, I only am thinking of what I want and not what he wants … it was absolutely terrible .. I told myself I’ll stick it out until he is fully healed from [] and then I’m gone because by now I can’t focus in school .. I have lost too much weight, I’m just dying … before he could fully heal his wife finds out again.. 

His wife reaches out to me when she finds out, she is so sweet and kind to me. But what she tells me broke me. She said they were never separated, they just weren’t intimate because he has problems of talking to other women. But otherwise they were as normal of a couple ever. They even slept in the same bedroom. She also told Me he was a liar. That he lies a lot. 
 

I just couldn’t believe how much he lied.. and of course he told me to talk to her for him, told me what to say to her, and I did. I regret it but he told me if I don’t save his marriage he’ll commit suicide because she will divorce him. Now I feel stupid and used. He has been in contact but only to know what’s going on in my life in terms of the abuse. When I refuse to tell him, he tells Me I never do anything for him that I never listen to him etc etc. Last week I told him I just don’t think we should talk anymore, and I also told him I made a visit to his state with my friends just to see his state. This made him really upset, because I never came to his state when we were a thing. He sent me a bunch of messages how I hurt him and proved to him he was never anything to me, how I think he’s a broken old man and then said bye. And I’m sitting here like, after everything you put me through, all the lies, all the ways I stuck it out for you even though it was killing me to be there for you, all it took for you to say bye was me coming to your state. I’m not upset that he said bye, it just kind of baffles my mind that he played the victim before saying bye. He also in those messages accused me of never doing what he needs me to do for him, and not telling him everything that’s going on. But I don’t tell him because he only messages me once a week, why am I gonna share something personal only to wait a week and a half for him to respond? I don’t need that. I understand why he’s not around anymore like he use to but it’s better for him to just go. Anyways this is my story. I feel used. I trusted this man with everything. I leaned on him for support. Now I feel like I’ll never heal. I feel betrayed. I feel lied to. I feel used. I feel like I was nothing to him. Everyone tells me he’s probably a predator. He’s done this thing before, where he’s trying to help a girl with SA history. She was underage. I don’t even know the full story. 

This entire experience has left me feeling traumatized. Any time I’d try to walk away before his wife found out, he’d threaten to kill himself. He made it seem like he was completely alone in life. Like his wife and kids don’t care about him. He’d send me pictures of guns, pills, even a picture of him standing at the edge of a cliff. I’d always come back because idk. 
 

I feel like I will never recover. I feel forever tainted. I feel terrible. I feel discarded. Used. Just every word in the book. I never knew what I was getting myself into. He’s out there fixing his life while leaving me in the dirt. He even sent me a Valentine’s Day card. It made no sense to me. He just isn’t a good guy I guess. I wish I’d known before. 

Edited March 7, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Personal details removed by request

[Wiseman2]

17 minutes ago, lonelyfriend said:

 I met a man on a forum where people who’ve experienced sexual abuse kind of ask others for advice / support.

Sorry this happened. He seems like a predatory abuser. Hopefully you've deleted and blocked him and reported him to the support forum. Try not to let this creeps behavior deter you from getting help and finding good people.

[JTSW]

I am so sorry he put you through all that, especially after everything you already went through before him.

He severely emotionally abused you.

You need to cut him off completely and look at it like a lesson learned.

He is a manipulative POS so please don't let this experience stop you from living your life.

Block him. He is the one that is leading leading a miserable life if he feels the need to treat women like this.

You are young and you will heal.

 

[mark clemson]

Wow this guy sounds like a piece of work if he took advantage of you under the guise of supporting you with sexual trauma. It's certainly not on you to "fix" his marriage - that's for him and his wife to work out. And these threats to kill himself MAY be an abuse/manipulation tactic (SOME abusers do this).

At any rate, it's rare that an affair actually is abuse - typically harm done is inadvertent, rather than intentional and the abuse label is essentially fiction intended to make affairs and/or the people who have them seem worse than they are. However, in your specific case it does indeed sound like you were, essentially, sucked into an abusive relationship via an the affair (so, an abusive EMR).

The straightforward thing to do is to recognize that this person is NOT your friend, anything he says is going to be a manipulative load of crap intended to keep you sucked in, and to resolve to walk away and find a healthier relationship. "Straightforward" isn't always the same as "easy" but IMO there is a clear best path for you here, and it's OUT.

If it's possible for you to get emotional support, such as a licensed therapist, while you exit this and recover, it might be a good idea.

Edited March 6, 2023 by mark clemson

[BaileyB]

Well, this is a seriously frightening post.

First, you became friends with a much older man online and disclosed very personal information without meeting the man. That was a very unwise and unsafe thing to do. Lesson learned - don’t disclose personal information to strangers on the internet. 

7 hours ago, lonelyfriend said:

It was also 4 months later he told me he had a family. At first it was, yea I’m separated with m. He assured me they were separated, even sent me a picture of his hand to show me he has no ring shadow. So I believed him. I never had any reason to suspect anything else.

My friend, you had TONS of reasons to suspect differently - he talked to you for four months before disclosing his marital status. Strike one. He then gave you the oldest line in the book “We live together but we are separated.” Strike two. The fact that he doesn’t have a ring shadow - TONS of married men don’t wear rings. That is proof of nothing, as you learned. He is trickle truthing you and manipulating you - Strike three. He should have been out the moment that you learned he was married… another lesson learned. The fact that you had developed feelings for the man doesn’t mean that you stay in an unhealthy and dangerous relationship - 

7 hours ago, lonelyfriend said:

Fast forward a year later his wife finds out, and lo and behold. They were never separated. They were sleeping in the same bed. Everything he told me was a lie.

Shocking!!  Not.

7 hours ago, lonelyfriend said:

He even lied about his last name.

What does that tell you? 

7 hours ago, lonelyfriend said:

The first time his wife finds out, I tell him I’m done.. he tells me I’m selfish to walk away and that he needs to stick around to help me with my abuse s***…. The second time she finds out I’m done for good, he tells me I am abandoning him, I never loved him if I could walk away and if I throw him away from my life I’ll live a life of rape and taken advantage of…

Manipulation. This is totally unfair for him to do - it’s a manipulative and emotionally abusive thing to do to another person. 

7 hours ago, lonelyfriend said:

I am telling him I’m done, any time I did that he would tell me I didn’t care he was sick and if I walk away now I will never know if he dies of Covid .. that really made it hard to go… when I’d stop replying he would tell me he hopes Covid kills him, he’s gonna go crash his car, that I’m selfish, I only am thinking of what I want and not what he wants …

He is threatening you. He’s threatening to crash his car, telling you that he hopes he dies and that it will all be your fault - manipulative and emotionally abusive. NOT OK for another person to do this to you. EVER.

7 hours ago, lonelyfriend said:

She said they were never separated, they just weren’t intimate because he has problems of talking to other women.

Indeed, it’s often a problem in the marriage when the man has problems talking to other women. (Note, that is plural. You are likely not his only victim). You do have to wonder what game she is playing because not many wives would stay with such a man… 

7 hours ago, lonelyfriend said:

I just couldn’t believe how much he lied..

Really? He lied to you for four months about his marital status. He lied to you about something as basic as his name/his identity. As Dr Phil used to say, how do we know if the man is lying - if his lips are moving! A man who lies to a woman about such things is not to be trusted. Full stop.

7 hours ago, lonelyfriend said:

of course he told me to talk to her for him, told me what to say to her, and I did. He told me if I don’t save his marriage he’ll commit suicide because she will divorce him.

More manipulation and threats. 

7 hours ago, lonelyfriend said:

He has been in contact but only to know what’s going on in my life in terms of the abuse. When I refuse to tell him, he tells me I never do anything for him. He sent me a bunch of messages how I hurt him and proved to him he was never anything to me, how I think he’s a broken old man and then said bye. I’m not upset that he said bye, it just kind of baffles my mind that he played the victim.

A different form of manipulation. He continues to up the ante, hoping that you will give in. If threatening suicide doesn’t work anymore, he’s now going to threaten to leave. 

He’s a predator. Clearly, he sought out and befriended a vulnerable person and then lied to you about his intentions. And once you opened the door, he stepped right though and he has been manipulating ever since… he’s so good at it, you don’t even know that he’s doing it. 

Please find yourself a counsellor. I know that you feel hurt and used by this man but you made some poor decisions here that lead you straight into the path of this abuser. You have some very unhealthy codependent tendencies that you need to change if you are going to find a healthy relationship for yourself - otherwise, you will be an easy target for other abusers. 

Take care of yourself and please find a counsellor. 

Edited March 6, 2023 by BaileyB