Dead end street for me.

[nulliustra]

I'm a mess. Cptsd from childhood and teen years.

Failed relationships. Failed life.

I'm a long relationship type of guy.

My first one lasted 7 years.

After that I started drinking, going out and having tons of one night stands throughout few years, sometimes 2 girls in a day.

I was not a nice person, but somehow that was the period when girls liked me more than in any other

part of my life.

 

That's how I met my last girlfriend, a relationship that lasted for 7 years.

She cheated at the beginning and the end, and probably during all those years.

She cheated, was talking awful things about me to people, mocked me,

people I don't even know were laughing at me in the bars.

It made me feel so worthless I spent 6 years all alone.

No friends, no girlfriends, no one.

I would just go somewhere in the nature and usually cry and drink.

I was 100% sure I spend my life alone, I have not looked at a girl in "that way" for 6 years.

[ ] I found a seasonal job in the summer last year and met 25 year old girl, I started to hear her voice when she's not around, started dreaming her, I felt peace I haven't felt my whole life, I felt free and happy, started looking at land prices for the house, gone completely mad imagining life with her before I even asked her for a date.

(I've been in love only 2 times in my life, this girl was the first I liked in the last 20 years,

all those others were just lust or habit with some emotions that developed over time,

don't get me wrong, I have lots of love and empathy, I'm not your usual "just looking for sex" type of guy)

But this is something different, special, I felt almost like it's telepathic.

 

At the same time, I felt not worthy, and like 16 years older loser that doesn't have a chance with her.

But I couldn't stop thinking about her every hour every day.

Those feeling for her were so pure....

 

I asked her to meet me after work one day, and told her I would like to spend time with her,

just talking or in silence, I would feel comfortable with her in both situations....

She said "I think I would feel like that too", she blushed and was looking down,

and I felt even more in love that second, I was so happy..

I gave her my number to let me know when she has time/ is ready.

 

Few weeks passed and nothing happened, she started to ignore me, and was not talking to me

and was acting cold.

Then I found out she will relocate (within the same company, few miles further),

I asked for relocation too, I wanted to have more time with her.

But there, on every lunch break she spent time with rude, simple obnoxious guy in his BMW,

he was spreading rumors about me, and mocking me for liking her, I even overheard him say that he will beat me for some reason.

She was smoking pot with him on lunch breaks, and they spent all time together.

(did I mention she has boyfriend?, I was so in love I didn't care, I just wanted to be happy finally,

and put myself before some guy I don't know)

 

Then she was trying to keep that BMW guy in her shift and put me in different shift.

 

I asked to be relocated, and haven't talked to her in 2 months.

During those 2 months coworkers (her friends) were mocking me, and talking behind my back,

insulting me among thmselves like I'm ball-less and weak, and stalker, and

talking about how she is too good for me and I'm a loser.

But I overheard coworkers talking to her on the phone and about me.

After a while I realized I still think about her every day and have really strong emotions.

 

So I tried to ask her to meet me again.

no answer for few days (I'm an idiot in love, I know)...

 

After few messages, she answered and asked me what did I like about her.

I told her how I feel about her completely honestly.

Not hiding anything or playing games, and all that ego, girl/guy games people play....

Then we texted a few times, 2 times for couple of hours, she opened up about her personal things,

we talked about everything, love,dogs,food,music,people, philosophy etc etc...

She said that she felt nice talking to me, and that she "has a wall and doesn't let good sould in her life",

but she lets in her life a-holes and people that "don't treat her with sincere love" .

Then she said "I don't feel comfortable talking with you anymore, I have deeper and more personal conversations with you than I ever had with my boyfriend".

 

Understand me, she said that to me and at the same time rejected me.

I felt scared of losing her after I thought we finally made a connection , and after just 3 days of pure happiness I felt like s***.

And she said to me things that were allegedly wrong with me (that didn't make sense),

and started to insult me.

I felt angry and said ugly things about coworkers that were humiliating me for no reason other than fun.

She stopped replying, and blocked me. And said she never felt anything, and I'm nobody, just a seasonal worker like every other and I'm not a part of her life.

And that she doesn't want me as a part of her life.

First time in the last 20 years I felt something this pure for a girl and now I feel so worthless

I'm amazed I even have the will to write this.

 

My ex broke me from the inside, I spent 6 years completely lone, and now this.

 

There's nothing anyone can say anymore, sometimes, it's pass the point of no return.

I'm 41 and broken. And will spend my life alone.

And I never felt more need for someone to love me.

Sometimes I feel the need to basically pay a girl just to spoon me, haven't felt human touch in years.

 

I'm undesirable, broken, sad and empty.

And I should be completely opposite for someone to like me.

Dead end street. No exit.

No one wants to heal a broken person, people want better then themselves.

No one wants pity, no one wants, sadness.

Even if someone could heal me, it doesn't matter. Cause it took me 20 years to find someone I can fall in love with. And now I can't even look at women the same way.

I just don't feel worthy anymore, even if by some miracle there's a girl I would like and she would want to love me as worthless as I am.

Edited March 6, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[basil67]

2 hours ago, nulliustra said:

No one wants to heal a broken person, people want better then themselves.

You are correct.  You should not to place that burden on another person.....especially not someone who's a fraction of your age and with little life experience.   Instead, it's your job to heal yourself.  If you really loved her, why would you want to place this on her shoulders?

What proactive steps have you taken to heal?  

[JTSW]

It wasn't love, it was infatuation.

She is not a good person either. She's nasty.

You wear your heart on your sleeve and there's nothing wrong with that.

But it also causes people to mock you for it. 

These are people you need to get away from, especially her.

Have you considered therapy? I think it is what you need and will be really good for you.

[stju3006]

Why are you wasting your energy with someone who has a boyfriend? Even thought you have deep love for her, it does not matter to her because she is in a relationship with someone else.  Stop ruining and get between their relationship. You need to stop focusing on something you can't have, Her. Leave her alone and find someone who is single and looks for the same thing like you (LTR).  Stop blaming yourself, and focus on yourself and be a better person. The world is not ending but moving forward..... I can assure you that you will find someone who loves in the future.

Edited March 8, 2023 by stju3006

[glows]

I’m a big believer in healing yourself and if you’re struggling that’s okay. Seek support for mental health in your area, join support groups. It’s not the burden of a partner to support you or fill this void. I am so sorry you’re going through this.