Am I the issue or is he?

[Ray_xx]

Met a guy 6 weeks ago on a dating app. We have text everyday all day since. Our first date was great as we connected and there was a lot of chemistry. He lives almost 2 hours away which isn't too bad. He booked a day off work to come drive to mine for a second date and paid for me to have a meal out. The third time I went to stay at his where he took me out around his area and met some of his friends. We slept together and everything was fine however the week after I noticed he had gone a little distant. He was still talking to me first but stopped calling me beautiful etc. Towards the end of the week he said if we were to move to the next stage he would consider moving to my location. We had our fourth date at the weekend and met up half way and he paid for a hotel. He wasn't his self at all. He was emotionally reserved and although we slept together I didn't enjoy it and had to pretend. His emotional resentment put me off him and I have lost a lot of feelings. I messaged him saying did he feel the distance would be an issue and he replied to say if we lived closer he would definitely seeing us being serious. It's constant mixed emotions and shouldn't have gone this way. I have lost feelings but has he? what is going on here?

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, Ray_xx said:

 if we lived closer he would definitely seeing us being serious. 

Unfortunately he seems to be looking for a casual relationship. If you are becoming turned off by him it may be best to cut your losses.

Even though you've been talking 6 weeks there's only been a few dates because of the distance. So you're not exclusive and may both still be talking to and meeting others, especially locally.

[Ray_xx]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately he seems to be looking for a casual relationship. If you are becoming turned off by him it may be best to cut your losses.

Even though you've been talking 6 weeks there's only been a few dates because of the distance. So you're not exclusive and may both still be talking to and meeting others, especially locally.

yes his dry and non emotional personality is making me feel ICK 

[JTSW]

I think he was just looking for casual sex.

He got it, so now he is fading out. 

Don't waste anymore of your time on him.

[stillafool]

It's best to hold off on having sex if you are looking for a relationship until you establish the emotional connection your looking for.  Early sex is find if you just want casual, which most women don't.  Never have sex when you aren't feeling it and if you have to pretend to enjoy it.  You're being unfair to your body.

[Ray_xx]

Just now, stillafool said:

It's best to hold off on having sex if you are looking for a relationship until you establish the emotional connection your looking for.  Early sex is find if you just want casual, which most women don't.  Never have sex when you aren't feeling it and if you have to pretend to enjoy it.  You're being unfair to your body.

I enjoyed it the first time when he was cuddling me and emotional with me but the second time he was like a dead brick and he made me want to vom and fake it

[stillafool]

36 minutes ago, Ray_xx said:

I enjoyed it the first time when he was cuddling me and emotional with me but the second time he was like a dead brick and he made me want to vom and fake it

He was like that the first time because it was the first time and he was on his best behavior in order to have sex.  As you can see those feelings were not there the second time and he wasn't even trying to pretend he felt anything for you.

[Ray_xx]

43 minutes ago, stillafool said:

He was like that the first time because it was the first time and he was on his best behavior in order to have sex.  As you can see those feelings were not there the second time and he wasn't even trying to pretend he felt anything for you.

it's a good job I didn't enjoy him then isn't it lol 

[stillafool]

6 minutes ago, Ray_xx said:

it's a good job I didn't enjoy him then isn't it lol 

I don't see how you not enjoying sex with him was good for you.  You talk a lot about him not showing any emotions towards you.  An emotional connection is built so he probably hasn't developed any for you yet.  That is why it's best to wait until emotions develop before jumping into bed with a guy, especially since that is so important to you.

[Ray_xx]

42 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I don't see how you not enjoying sex with him was good for you.  You talk a lot about him not showing any emotions towards you.  An emotional connection is built so he probably hasn't developed any for you yet.  That is why it's best to wait until emotions develop before jumping into bed with a guy, especially since that is so important to you.

The first time is was great hence being open for the second. He probably picked up on that I really didn't want it and he made me feel sick. It's best to call it a day so I have deleted him. I won't be faking it again! that's for sure

[NuevoYorko]

Basically this sounds like a story of two people who met, it went a little ways, and then petered out.  It happens all the time and it doesn't feel good.  If this is bothering you a lot, I suggest not having sex in early days of dating.  It seems pretty clear that once sex was had, he was on his way out, leaving you feeling badly.   

[Ray_xx]

24 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

Basically this sounds like a story of two people who met, it went a little ways, and then petered out.  It happens all the time and it doesn't feel good.  If this is bothering you a lot, I suggest not having sex in early days of dating.  It seems pretty clear that once sex was had, he was on his way out, leaving you feeling badly.   

I understand but 6 weeks in isn't early days? plus he seemed to enjoyed it put it that way..

[NuevoYorko]

11 minutes ago, Ray_xx said:

I understand but 6 weeks in isn't early days? plus he seemed to enjoyed it put it that way..

It was after your 3rd date that he started fading on you.  Very early days.  

"Texting all day every day" is virtually meaningless.  Just a vapid way people pass the time when they feel some level of interest.

[stillafool]

18 minutes ago, Ray_xx said:

I understand but 6 weeks in isn't early days? plus he seemed to enjoyed it put it that way..

There's no doubt he enjoyed the sex as that was his goal.  You on the other hand wanted what he wouldn't give you, an emotional connection.

[ShyViolet]

This is a guy who you have been on 4 dates with.  Don't overthink this.  If after 4 dates, the chemistry is already dying out and the feelings are fizzling out, don't see him again.  It happens.

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, Ray_xx said:

I understand but 6 weeks in isn't early days? 

Yes, it is. Very early. 

You hardly know the guy. It's been only 4 dates so you have no real clue who he genuinely is yet. Nobody could. Talking for 6 weeks is a drop in the bucket in terms of knowing someone on any signficant level. You have, however, correctly identified the signs that he is going cold. You both seem to have lost interest in each other so it's best to cut it off here. 

[basil67]

Neither of you is the issue.  It just petered out due to what looks like both of you losing interest in the other.  And I think the distance was likely an added complication.

And I agree that this was early days.  VERY early days.   The two of you were still in the 'getting to know you' process

[Kassieee]

Isn't this what dating someone is about? Getting to know eachother to see if you're compatible?

Just sounds like you two are not compatible, that's all.

[Lotsgoingon]

Your mistake was thinking you were deeply connected to him based on texting. So when you saw him sounds like you were acting like this you were in the middle of some serious love affair with a person when in reality, you barely knew the person.

Texting every day and all day means NOTHING. Zero. Zip. All it means is both of you are wasting your time instead of living. Texting produces a powerful, intoxicating high but it's a shallow high that has no connection whatsoever to the depth of bond you have. Texting produces the same high as a video game with its live and immediate feedback. I discovered this years ago when after my divorce I was stopping in the middle of the street (seriously, with cars coming) addictively texting people I had zero real interest in. I remember later texting a really sharp woman I ended up dating, and we realized early on that we didn't know how to end a text conversation, especially early on. No line seemed final. And neither of us wanted to write "Hey, I'm done talking."  So you're not alone is being misled about texting. 

Only time spent with someone in person can build a bond. Spending an hour in person is 1,000 times more meaningful and  more reliable (as a gauge of what you have in common and the potential for romance) than a week of texting all day every day. 

When you guys had sex, you were essentially two acquaintances having sex--but perhaps even less than acquaintances. You probably know your local baristas or any clerks you interact regularly--you know them better than you know this guy (even. You see them over many many days. You can sense their mood and their personality.  

I'm so sorry you pretended. That's painful. Next time stop!. Pretending contradicts the entire point of an intimate relationship, which is to be able to be yourself and to connect with someone also being themselves. It would have been healthier for you to say to him, “Look I’m feeling out of place, like you’re distant.” And then get up and get ready to leave. You can do that. 

So who is the problem here, you ask. Well both of you were the problem. You both moved way too fast based on the delusion that fun texting equals intimacy and knowing someone. It's painful when delusionary bubbles burst, but that's what happened. 

Great chance to learn a lesson as you move on. 

 

[Ray_xx]

6 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Your mistake was thinking you were deeply connected to him based on texting. So when you saw him sounds like you were acting like this you were in the middle of some serious love affair with a person when in reality, you barely knew the person.

Texting every day and all day means NOTHING. Zero. Zip. All it means is both of you are wasting your time instead of living. Texting produces a powerful, intoxicating high but it's a shallow high that has no connection whatsoever to the depth of bond you have. Texting produces the same high as a video game with its live and immediate feedback. I discovered this years ago when after my divorce I was stopping in the middle of the street (seriously, with cars coming) addictively texting people I had zero real interest in. I remember later texting a really sharp woman I ended up dating, and we realized early on that we didn't know how to end a text conversation, especially early on. No line seemed final. And neither of us wanted to write "Hey, I'm done talking."  So you're not alone is being misled about texting. 

Only time spent with someone in person can build a bond. Spending an hour in person is 1,000 times more meaningful and  more reliable (as a gauge of what you have in common and the potential for romance) than a week of texting all day every day. 

When you guys had sex, you were essentially two acquaintances having sex--but perhaps even less than acquaintances. You probably know your local baristas or any clerks you interact regularly--you know them better than you know this guy (even. You see them over many many days. You can sense their mood and their personality.  

I'm so sorry you pretended. That's painful. Next time stop!. Pretending contradicts the entire point of an intimate relationship, which is to be able to be yourself and to connect with someone also being themselves. It would have been healthier for you to say to him, “Look I’m feeling out of place, like you’re distant.” And then get up and get ready to leave. You can do that. 

So who is the problem here, you ask. Well both of you were the problem. You both moved way too fast based on the delusion that fun texting equals intimacy and knowing someone. It's painful when delusionary bubbles burst, but that's what happened. 

Great chance to learn a lesson as you move on. 

 

Thank you