Boyfriend of 2 Years Doesn't Want to Even Discuss Moving in

[Glitteringmonkey]

Hello everyone! I could really use some help. Me and my boyfriend are both 25 and we are both in our third year of medical school. We have been together for 2 years and we spend most of our day together. Last year I talked to him about moving in and he voiced that he wasn't ready yet which is understandable. I have been moved out for 7 years whereas he has only been moved out for 2 years. Another one of his concerns was that since we go to all our classes together, it might be too much to also live together which I understood. However, he told me he would consider moving in the following year (aka this upcoming year, his lease ends in June). So our last year of school which is starting in August is all rotations which means we are always in the clinic but we wouldn't be on the same rotations so we wouldn't see each other as much. Well since his lease ends in June, for the last month or so I have been trying to have a conversation with him about moving in together just to see where he is at. But he refuses to even talk to me about it and every time I ask, he will make a joke or try to play it off. So, I tried to get him to actually be serious and he said that he doesn't know yet. I told him that I just didn't want it to be a last minute thing because there are things that we obviously have to get sorted and we need some time for that, like moving our stuff and finding a place etc. I told him that if he didn't want to move in with me yet then thats okay but I would rather just know. He said thats not the case and that he needs more time to think about it. I am just frustrated because I feel like he has had a long time to think about this and he has a history of leaving things till the very last minute. I would just rather know even if he doesn't want to move in than I would respect his decision. After trying to tell him this, he got really mad at me and started yelling and saying how I am pressuring him and I keep constantly asking him about it which is making him not want to think about it. I understand that maybe i've been bringing it up more recently but I feel like if he would just have a conversation with me about it then I wouldn't need to bring it up. Now he just keeps telling me it's my fault that he hasn't thought about it because i'm putting pressure on him to make a decision and he resents thinking about it. I just feel like i'm waiting around for him to make a decision. Does anyone have any advice on what I should do? I have tried talking to him so many times and nothing seems to be working. Should I just leave it alone and just treat the situation as though we're not moving in? 

[NuevoYorko]

I think your only two choices are to 1) treat it as if you're not moving in together or 2) start considering whether this relationship is moving in a direction or not.  If you are dating while you're in medical school, maybe your bf doesn't see a future beyond that.

Have you talked about your future outside of the moving in together part?

[Glitteringmonkey]

Thank you so much for your response! We have discussed a future beyond medical school and I actually approached him with the same topic of does he not see this going beyond school. He reassured me that he does see a future with me and wants to get married in the future. I mentioned moving back to my hometown and he seems open to coming with me. But the thing is I am very much a planner and he is not. He does everything last minute and thinks about everything last minute. In a way it makes me sad that he cannot come to a decision seeing as we sleep together almost every night and were together a lot of the time and everything is great aside from this aspect. It's not so much that I absolutely need him to move in right now. I am okay with moving in once school is over, I would just like to have an actual conversation about it and see where his head is at. Do you think im being unreasonable by wanting an answer 3 months before his lease is up? Is it maybe too soon? I just don't know.

[basil67]

I'm sorry it's gone like this.  I imagine it's infuriating.

I predict this is going to happen at each stage of your life.  If he does eventually move in with you, he will likely shut down when it comes to discussing when to marry.  And when to have babies and when to move to a bigger home.  And you'll be left in a position where you're feeling that you're not able to have a say in the timings in your own life.  

Lack of planning is one thing (what furniture we need, how would we split bills), but this is him not even thinking broadly about the topic.  If he really wanted a future with you, he'd either be enthusiastic about the idea, or, if he's not ready, giving you a clear timeline.  But instead, he's blaming you for wanting a bit of certainty about your own future.  This is just disrespect on his part.  

If I were you, I'd stop talking about it.  But I would be thinking very carefully about this trait and whether or not it should be a dealbreaker. 

One last thing: you say that he makes decisions about things at last minute...did he make a decision about med school at last minute?  Or had he planned it and worked towards it for ages?   

[NuevoYorko]

2 hours ago, Glitteringmonkey said:

Do you think im being unreasonable by wanting an answer 3 months before his lease is up? Is it maybe too soon? I just don't know.

At this point, most definitely you are.  You've brought it up numerous times.  He's responded.  It's up to you how you deal with his responses.  You said he got really angry and yelled at you, which gives me a bad impression of him, but that said:  You've brought it up over and over again.  Doing it more is not going to yield you any more satisfying results.

[MsJayne]

I can understand your frustration, but maybe look at the positive. He says he sees a future with you and he's hoping to marry you. Is he a traditional/romantic guy? Is it possible that he wants to save living together for after marriage? He could be planning to propose when you’re both finished med school. His anger at you regularly raising the cohabitation question could be because he actually does plan ahead more than you think but he doesn’t want to spoil his grand vision by sharing it with you. Of course, I could be way off track, it’s possible that he just values his independence and wants to cling on to it as long as he can, and is just being disrespectful by shouting at you and blaming you when he’s blatantly refusing to give you an answer so you can plan your future. Whatever, it sounds like he’s hiding his real reason for refusing to make a decision, especially so close to his current lease expiring, so if it was me I’d stop raising the subject because obviously it’s getting on his nerves. I’d plan the move back home as if I was doing it alone because he can always come on board later if he makes up his mind. 

Edited March 8, 2023 by MsJayne
Unnecessary quote

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Glitteringmonkey said:

 we sleep together almost every night and were together a lot of the time and everything is great aside from this aspect. 

His lease being up isn't a good reason to live together. Things seem fine as they are.

Living together is not necessarily a step forward. Nor is it a commitment. Except to paying joint bills and sorting out household drugery. It's often a just financial convenience.  Do you spend equal time at each other's places? 

Focus on keeping the romance and relationship alive for now. He seems quite hesitant and is sidestepping the conversation. A reluctant roommate isn't in your best interest.

 

Edited March 8, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Freya229]

Your twenties are going to fly by.  This is the time in your life when you should be exploring, getting to know yourself, enjoying life.  You're in med school, you're working hard for your future.  I wish when I was your age I had appreciated it more.  I'd hate to see you waste your 20s on this guy only to have him dump you right after graduation.  

I heard some really salient advice once: "Never make a man tell you more than once that he doesn't want you."

Of COURSE he tells you "Oh, yeah, for sure I want to commit someday."  "Oh yeah, I totally love you, I just need more time to think about moving in."  He is going to tell you whatever he has to tell you to string you along.

This relationship isn't going anywhere.  It's just not.  I'm sorry.  It's not that there's anything wrong with you, because there isn't.  There's nothing wrong with him, either.  But even if you think he is your "one," he does not think you are his "one."  IMO, you deserve better than to be someone that someone else settles for.  

If you broke it off amicably, based on the belief that you just want different things, either you will meet the person who believes that you are his "one," or this guy will show back up when he's ready for a commitment.  

My advice, which is worth exactly what you're about to pay for it, is this:  Break it off.  Tell him you feel that you are taking the relationship more seriously than he is, that the two of you are just in different places.  Tell him you're not angry with him, but life is short and you have already spent two years on this relationship and it's not going anywhere.  Tell him you do love him, you think he's wonderful, and you want nothing but happiness for him, and breaking it off gives both of you the opportunity to find the person you really want to be with.

Spend ONE weekend watching sad movies, crying and eating ice cream (or however you mourn, that was my go-to 😉 ), then pull up your big girl panties and work on yourself.  Study, ace your classes, spend time with your friends, and be open to meeting new people.  You'll be fine, it will hurt for a while but you'll be ok and come out the other end stronger and wiser.  

 

[Weezy1973]

Moving in together is a huge step - bigger than marriage actually. His hesitancy I suspect is due to fear. Probably why he procrastinates on so many decisions. He’s afraid that moving in together will ruin the relationship. Or that he’ll feel “trapped”. Or that he’ll lose a bit of alone time that he finds really valuable to recharge his batteries. Or any number of other things. The problem is he isn’t talking to you about it. He’s just shutting down and refusing to talk. 

[stillafool]

43 minutes ago, Freya229 said:

This relationship isn't going anywhere.  It's just not.  I'm sorry.  It's not that there's anything wrong with you, because there isn't.  There's nothing wrong with him, either.  But even if you think he is your "one," he does not think you are his "one."  IMO, you deserve better than to be someone that someone else settles for.  

I couldn't agree more.  He is probably dreaming of the day when he is a single young doctor and all that that entails.  At 25 he's no where near being ready to be tied down and headed off to the altar.

[Freya229]

3 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I couldn't agree more.  He is probably dreaming of the day when he is a single young doctor and all that that entails.  At 25 he's no where near being ready to be tied down and headed off to the altar.

And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.  What IS wrong is stringing this girl along so he has someone in the wings until he reaches that point in his life.  But again, he's only 25 years old.  He's thinking about himself, which is what most 25 year olds do, and what he wants.  It's not occurred to him what he's doing to her.  There is no malice or spite in anything he's doing, just cluelessness.  It's up to her to do what's best for her.  

[stillafool]

4 minutes ago, Freya229 said:

It's up to her to do what's best for her.  

I also agree with this OP.  You should not put your life and plans on hold for anyone; but go ahead and make your plans for what YOU want to do after med school.

[Nowherenear]

In my opinion you are too young to be thinking of moving in together with someone. Why do you want to rush things? This is the time to have the least problems that you can, focus on your studies, on having fun, on learning about yourself, on finding out what you want in life. I think rushing into moving in with a boyfriend, however much you love him, is something you will regret later. Live your life as freely as you can while you can, because later things will get more serious and you will miss this period and the freedom it has.

[Lotsgoingon]

He has ALREADY answered your questions. His answer is I"m not sure! And his other answer is I don't want to talk about this and think about this right now. Those are his answers.

Those are answers!  He doesn't have to embrace your framework that such and such has to be decided by so and so date. Just as you don't have embrace his framework of delaying and being indecisive and playing things by ear. 

My question to you OP: now what do YOU want to do given that he doesn't want to talk about these issues now?

And the biggest question: is this style of decision making OK with you? You are not going to convert him to your way of planning. Sorry: that ain't happening.

Something to consider: planners like you (God I wish I had more of what you have) have their own issues. Planners often hide their anxiety and worry behind planning. Planners try to control life as much as possible. Not a bad goal except that life is inherently uncertain. Your bf lives openly with the uncertainty of life. 

Does he appreciate your organizing skill and your planning ahead? Ideally you'd partner with someone who loves that style. 

I'm of two minds. Part of me thinks this is not just his style but also that he is ambivalent about living with you, maybe ambivalent about the relationship.  It's easy to say yes that he would consider marriage "in the future." That is not as strong a statement as you might think it is. Folks appear on this board all the time with a partner who ten years later is still thinking about getting married.

You seem to be refusing to consider that he is ambivalent. You're suppressing that beneath the "I need to know because the deadlines are coming up." Skip deadlines, you need to get clear that he is fired up about being with you. Don't use your executive skills and detail orientation to avert your gaze from that question. That is the most important question you need to get an answer to. And ideally, you'd approach marriage discussions as just your preference, not that it's the right thing to do or the sensible thing to do (that line of argument is controlling and smothering). 

Me thinks you need to get clear on does he really want marriage in your framework. Sounds like you have one.  Suss out his delaying style from his possible ambivalence about being with you.  And one of your jobs is to stop being the relationship's grownup. Stop that. Get off that pedestal. Standing on that pedestal can get you into big trouble because you would probably be quite persuasive in getting him to marry you and in doing so again, you'd be covering up the anxiety and how feeble his commitment is to you.  

You don't want to persuade anyone to marry. At all, not one bit. You want to partner with someone who is positively thrilled at the prospect of marrying you. 

 

 

 

[ShyViolet]

If he is refusing to discuss moving in when his lease is up this June, then it is not happening.  Stop bringing it up over and over.  He has made it clear he doesn't want to talk about it, because he's simply not ready to take this step with you.  There is no need for you to worry about having to get everything together "last minute" to move in together this June.  You're not doing that and it would be foolish to do that.  So accept the fact that he's clearly told you he isn't ready to move in for this year.  So that leaves you with a decision to make.  Are you willing to stay with him as things are for another year, and then revisit this question next year?  Or do you feel like this relationship isn't going anywhere and is that enough for you to walk away?

[introverted1]

19 hours ago, Glitteringmonkey said:

Should I just leave it alone and just treat the situation as though we're not moving in? 

Yes.

Are you guys planning to couples match for residency? 

Edited March 8, 2023 by introverted1

[basil67]

On top of my other advice, I agree that you need to stop asking because it's getting you nowhere.   Instead, it's time to take stock of what's going on and with the information you have, work out if this is what you want for your future

[BaileyB]

His lack of a definitive answer, is your answer. He’s not ready. 

If I was you, I would stop asking him about it. I’m sure it does feel like pressure to him. And, it’s frustrating  you.  

I would set a time-line for myself - if this don’t move forward in a year, or by the time you are 28, that’s when you will make your decision. You need to decide what feels right to you and what you are willing to accept. And, if this doesn’t move forward by that date,  that’s when you decide to end this relationship and move on… 

 

Edited March 9, 2023 by BaileyB

[ExpatInItaly]

On 3/8/2023 at 3:49 AM, Glitteringmonkey said:

Should I just leave it alone and just treat the situation as though we're not moving in? 

Yes, exactly. His obvious discomfort with the topic and attempts to deflect means he does not want to move in together yet. It's best that you understand this, and stop asking. You're not moving together in 3 months, so you need to start making alternate arrangements. 

I get that it's disappointing, but moving in together when one of you doesn't feel totally ready and on-board will be a disaster and likely spell the end of your relationship. If you feel you can, give it some more time and then re-evaluate if you can continue with a man whose timeline is very different from yours. 

[Wiseman2]

On 3/7/2023 at 9:49 PM, Glitteringmonkey said:

he got really mad at me and started yelling and saying how I am pressuring him. Now he just keeps telling me it's my fault that he hasn't thought about it because i'm putting pressure on him to make a decision 

Make your own arrangements for your living situation. He clearly doesn't want to live together. It would be best to stop bringing it up hoping for a different answer. Maybe it's time to reflect on the relationship as a whole since you're at an impasse as to the direction you want to go. 

[JTSW]

Don't ask him about it again.

You are just going to have to accept that he is never going to make these plans.

[giotto]

Give yourself some sort of deadline... one year. After that, if he still doesn't want to commit, dump him... can't spend the rest of your life like that... 

[Will am I]

Sometimes life is what happens to us while we make plans for life.

My perception of the situation is that this is a pretty serious relationship, but it just happened to come earlier than expected.

 

I met my wife after gradiation and landing a good job and buying my first home. We were able to move ahead quite quickly. 

A close childhood friend met his wife in high school. They studied in two different cities, she moved in with him when she was working on her thesis and they have been together since.

 

Partience is key.

[Els]

 "Not deciding to do it" is still a decision. So IMO he's made his decision to not move in with you, and you should react accordingly, and make your own decisions as to whether you want to remain in this relationship or not.

On 3/9/2023 at 2:00 AM, stillafool said:

I couldn't agree more.  He is probably dreaming of the day when he is a single young doctor and all that that entails. 

I mean, to be fair, the life of a junior doctor is 99% work. 😂

[Acacia98]

On 3/8/2023 at 5:49 AM, Glitteringmonkey said:

I understand that maybe i've been bringing it up more recently but I feel like if he would just have a conversation with me about it then I wouldn't need to bring it up. Now he just keeps telling me it's my fault that he hasn't thought about it because i'm putting pressure on him to make a decision and he resents thinking about it. I just feel like i'm waiting around for him to make a decision. Does anyone have any advice on what I should do? I have tried talking to him so many times and nothing seems to be working. Should I just leave it alone and just treat the situation as though we're not moving in? 

In answer to your last question, yes. Just leave it alone and treat the situation as though you're not moving in together. That's my response to your short-term problem.

As for your long-term problem, which you don't explicitly mention (What's the future of this relationship?), stonewalling and blame-shifting are not good signs (look them both up to understand why I'm saying this). I have to agree with the commenter who says that, even if your guy ultimately agrees to move in, if you stay together, you will likely experience similar struggles when the time comes to make other major decisions, e.g., getting married, having kids.

It should be possible, in a healthy relationship, to have conversations about stuff like moving in together. It is perfectly okay for him to decide he doesn't want to move in with you. And if that's how he's feeling, he should be honest with you about it. The fact that communication between you two seems so broken is a good enough reason to set aside any definite plans to move in together and start reexamining the relationship objectively: are there other issues in the relationship that suggest that you are not quite on the same page? 

Your situation is not the result of your having two different personality types (i.e. your being a meticulous planner and his being a spontaneous kind of guy). So don't be apologetic about being a planner or feel the need to explain or justify yourself. There's nothing strange about needing to figure out stuff like apartment searches, lease agreements, etc. ahead of time. It's not a quirky thing about you. It's a fact of adult life.