mark clemson Posted March 10, 2023 Share Posted March 10, 2023 (edited) Obviously it's not as easy as simply taking your kids away from an Ex. That all has to be handled via the court system and without extensive court-admissible evidence, the family courts can and do sometimes make decisions that someone who knows ALL the facts would find questionable or even simply wrong. The prevailing view tends to be that joint custody is in everyone's best interests, particularly the kids'. Sometimes they get that wrong. Many kids would be living in a very different world if the courts always got this right. Who cheated on who and what "trauma" was caused isn't really the issue here (particularly since it's apparently both). The issue seems to be that your Ex needs to learn to separate herself from your romantic life, something she still hasn't accomplished after several years now. And to find ways to actually address her own problems, so she can at a minimum be an emotionally safe co-parent to your children. Retroactive "blame" simply enables further dysfunction. Edited March 10, 2023 by mark clemson Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 10, 2023 Share Posted March 10, 2023 Focus solely on co-parenting. Talking about your GF is uncalled for. Link to post Share on other sites
Stret Posted March 11, 2023 Share Posted March 11, 2023 I don't really like you calling your ex wife and mother of your children "crazy". You are making yourself feel better and trying to gain support by portraying her as insane. It is almost as if you're using her obvious mental issue, rubbing it into her face instead of trying to actively help her and most of all, working on yourself too. You said she was "crazy" even before the infidelity. What triggered those? What were you saying/doing/not doing? It is not enough now after everything to "acknowledge" and go with "I know I caused pain, I know I played a part...". She sounds rebellious kind who doesn't take any bs, and you seem like you're full of niceties that you don't rally mean, you sound obedient, a "yes man", who represses his needs and doesn't know how to communicate, but who harbours resentment instead. That would p*ss anyone off to some degree as it's almost like dealing with a child. It is obvious that she had/has her issues and that she needs to get a grip of them. But sometimes shouting and throwing things is not the least healthy thing to do. Ignoring problems, not communicating, being silent when you should say something, not doing something when you should... it can be a sign of big issues too. Who raises the kids? Who has been raising them mostly while you were together? How are they? Are they "crazy"? If not, maybe she is still doing something right. Instead of spending time here making yourself feel less guilty and labelling your ex nasty names, while receiving advice how to take her children away from her via court order, perhaps you should think about going to see a therapist yourself to deal with your own issues? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PotatoHead Posted March 13, 2023 Author Share Posted March 13, 2023 The thought of trying to get full custody crossed my mind on many occasions. Before pursuing the divorce, I was under the assumption that my ex would grant me full custody and want nothing to do with the kids if we ever separated. Despite her occasional behavioral issues, the kids love their mom and want their time with her. As long as she isn't putting them in any danger, which I don't believe she ever would, I think it is in their best interests to have both of their parents and I think the courts would have agreed regardless if one of us went for full custody. There is clearly a lot of bias here from people who have been on both sides and I can respect that. Nobody can know whether my story is the full truth, and that's okay. I'm not here for validation. I've also gotten some valuable input though and after doing more research, I believe my ex is suffering from BPD. It makes a lot of sense because she can be perfectly normal, even a pleasant person to deal with a large majority of the time. But when overly stressed or hit by certain triggers, turns quickly into a flurry of uncontrolled emotions. It's been this way ever since we met at a very young age. (sorry to those that were offended by my use of the word "crazy" since I didn't know what other term to use for the actions I've witnessed) Viewing things from this perspective will help me to understand and sympathize more I think, rather than just feeling hurt and angry when this happens. I know that I will just need to step away and give her time. I just wish there were a way I could help her recognize the issue and get help for it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PotatoHead Posted March 13, 2023 Author Share Posted March 13, 2023 On 3/11/2023 at 4:55 AM, Stret said: I don't really like you calling your ex wife and mother of your children "crazy" Right on many counts, you are. At least in regards to how I was years ago in my marriage. A "yes man", not communicating my needs, those were some issues for sure. We both had our shortcomings which we've recognized and discussed now years later. I've admitted to all of my faults as well. Did she have reason to be angry, sure. I think many would agree though that the line of healthy expression of anger had well been crossed when causing physical harm, damage to property, and threatening self harm. These are the reasons I am seeking advice on what to do. I am in therapy, she is not. What you "like" is none of my concern. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 13, 2023 Share Posted March 13, 2023 (edited) 8 minutes ago, PotatoHead said: I think many would agree though that the line of healthy expression of anger had well been crossed when causing physical harm, damage to property, and threatening self harm. Again, if you really thought she was crazy why aren't the kids living with you? I'm not saying take them away from their mother but can't your place be their primary resident and she see them on weekends? Just switch places. Edited March 13, 2023 by stillafool Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted March 13, 2023 Share Posted March 13, 2023 24 minutes ago, PotatoHead said: The thought of trying to get full custody crossed my mind on many occasions. Before pursuing the divorce, I was under the assumption that my ex would grant me full custody and want nothing to do with the kids if we ever separated. Despite her occasional behavioral issues, the kids love their mom and want their time with her. As long as she isn't putting them in any danger, which I don't believe she ever would, I think it is in their best interests to have both of their parents and I think the courts would have agreed regardless if one of us went for full custody. Well I'm glad you have decided not to go that route. That would surely push her over the edge and would also really affect your kids being separated from their mother. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 13, 2023 Share Posted March 13, 2023 1 hour ago, PotatoHead said: The thought of trying to get full custody crossed my mind on many occasions. Before pursuing the divorce, I was under the assumption that my ex would grant me full custody and want nothing to do with the kids if we ever separated. Despite her occasional behavioral issues, the kids love their mom and want their time with her. As long as she isn't putting them in any danger, which I don't believe she ever would, I think it is in their best interests to have both of their parents Well they have both of their parents now. I didn't mean not let her see them. If she only had occasional behavior issues why are you referring to her as crazy and why did you leave instead of trying to work it out? Punching holes in walls is the behavior of a potentially violent person. What gave you the impression that she would give you full custody and would want nothing to do with the kids? Link to post Share on other sites
Stret Posted March 13, 2023 Share Posted March 13, 2023 3 hours ago, PotatoHead said: Right on many counts, you are. At least in regards to how I was years ago in my marriage. A "yes man", not communicating my needs, those were some issues for sure. We both had our shortcomings which we've recognized and discussed now years later. I've admitted to all of my faults as well. Did she have reason to be angry, sure. I think many would agree though that the line of healthy expression of anger had well been crossed when causing physical harm, damage to property, and threatening self harm. These are the reasons I am seeking advice on what to do. I am in therapy, she is not. What you "like" is none of my concern. If you want to learn, read Dr. Nicole LaPera (the holistic psychologist) on Instagram and pay special attention to what she says about anger. Maybe it is not anyone's business telling a person how she should process her anger, how long it should last, and how she will express it. Sure, society has intolerance and it is uncomfortable with this basic emotion, but the individual needs and emotions matters as well. Her boundaries have been violated, her needs unmet, she was gaslighted and a pattern of emotional abuse has been established - at least, she certainly acts like someone who was through emotional abuse. The fact that she uses anger to express her frustration is not the worst thing in the world. The fact that you're talking about taking her kids away is making you a bit of a scary guy. Unless she is hitting and abusing or neglecting them, you would be a monster to take them away from their mum. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 13, 2023 Share Posted March 13, 2023 4 hours ago, PotatoHead said: , the kids love their mom and want their time with her. All you need to do is focus on your children's best interest and stop mingling personal lives. You're still too involved with her personal life. For example there's no need to research what "mental illness" she has. That's the magic of divorce. You're not each other's problem anymore. Stay in your own lane and redirect your energy toward the children and their needs. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted March 14, 2023 Share Posted March 14, 2023 (edited) On 3/13/2023 at 6:36 AM, PotatoHead said: Viewing things from this perspective will help me to understand and sympathize more I think, rather than just feeling hurt and angry when this happens. I know that I will just need to step away and give her time. I just wish there were a way I could help her recognize the issue and get help for it. That's nice and kind-hearted, but what about you and getting on with your life (which you've been attempting to do) including your romantic life? I think it's fair to state that, years after a divorce, these things ARE none of her business anymore. Some folks make a big deal about "boundaries" in a marriage. I think with your particular Ex, you need very strong "boundaries" to keep her out. Maybe that's easier said than done, but the marriage is over and she needs to actually accept that. Not being firm is just enabling her to interfere - she's still "connected" to you and screwing up your romantic life is one of the last bits of "power" she still has WRT you. And lo and behold she's abusing it instead of letting you go your own way... Everyone's different. For me, I believe in your situation I'd say it's past time to be firm and not accept any more of this nonsense. No doubt she has her issues, but they're no longer yours to fix, except and ONLY insofar as it impacts co-parenting. Nor are you qualified, however much you may still want to "please" or "help" her at some level. Given the situation you've described - to my mind making ANY excuse for her continued toxic behavior and not setting up very firm boundaries and AND consequences (to the extent that's possible) is just enabling her to continue the toxic patterns that were established during your marriage, even though the marriage is over. Take a look at the Drama Triangle if you haven't already. It won't make you an expert, but it may help to clarify how the toxic "cycle" of behavior works. I agree with @Wiseman2 that you're not each others' problem any more, or at least SHOULDN'T be. To the extent that she's an abuser, I think you need to consider whether she picked "the right partner" for it. Time to stop being that person/playing that role/"accepting blame for your part in it", unless at some level you're still ok with it? Edited March 14, 2023 by mark clemson 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 14, 2023 Share Posted March 14, 2023 On 3/13/2023 at 9:36 AM, PotatoHead said: I just wish there were a way I could help her recognize the issue and get help for it. This is no longer your responsibility. Stepping away would probably work best in this situation. She needs to rely on others for support, not you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted March 14, 2023 Share Posted March 14, 2023 With an ex - causing drama… there isn’t one single reason to respond to anything she says. unless it’s regarding the kids. not ONE a single word! IF she’s upset about anything - it’s not right for her to bring it to you!!! why didn’t you simply say “this is your crap to handle, not mine.” Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts