Luna13 Posted March 10, 2023 Share Posted March 10, 2023 I’ve been talking to this guy who lives in a different state for the last few months. I’ve really started to like him and the idea of a relationship was brought up. We spoke hypothetically what it could look like. I said I would be happy to explore that with him, but am in no rush and truly just happy getting to know him. He said he likes what we have but if he falls for me, he knows he couldn’t do a long distance relationship so he’s on the fence of how serious we get. I don’t want to pressure him. But he and I both enjoy talking and flirting with each other and he also isn’t giving in and saying to continue or to stop. I’m not sure how to go about this. I don’t want either of us getting hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted March 10, 2023 Share Posted March 10, 2023 People get hurt anyway. It’s part of being in a relationship of any kind. There will be some bad days and disagreements or situations you deal with with your partner as a team. We make ourselves vulnerable when we care a lot. Are you sure you’re not picking a far away beau because you’re afraid of getting hurt in general? I’d say have fun and do whatever you want but why on earth are you so afraid? You’re both adults and trust that you’ll treat one another with respect. If you don’t sense that, cut your losses. I wouldn’t overinvest in this either and believe you know anything about one another fully without having met or spending considerable time in person. Be realistic in that regard. Otherwise, have fun. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 10, 2023 Share Posted March 10, 2023 2 hours ago, Luna13 said: I’ve been talking to this guy who lives in a different state for the last few months. I’ve really started to like him and the idea of a relationship was brought up. Are there plans to meet in person? How far apart are you? The best way not to get hurt is to not get ahead of yourself. For example, talking about a relationship, when you haven't met or been on a date. Perhaps discuss the possibility of meeting. Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted March 10, 2023 Share Posted March 10, 2023 5 hours ago, Luna13 said: he knows he couldn’t do a long distance relationship This is all you need to know. Unless one of you lived in the same state as each other, this wont work. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Luna13 Posted March 10, 2023 Author Share Posted March 10, 2023 I’m talking to this guy, not dating. Not sure how to take this last text he sent. Are we done talking? Is he/we done in the sense of building a relationship? “I get a weight on my chest when I make you feel not enough. I don’t mean to cause that feeling and I feel horrible. I’ll think through what I’m going to do to make it better. I’m sorry” We didn’t talk at all yesterday except for a small text he sent saying hope you had a good day. Then I replied and he “liked” the message. We haven’t gone a day without talking. do I give him space? Or do I just ask what I should do? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 10, 2023 Share Posted March 10, 2023 32 minutes ago, Luna13 said: “I get a weight on my chest when I make you feel not enough. I don’t mean to cause that feeling and I feel horrible. I’ll think through what I’m going to do to make it better. I’m sorry” What made him send this text. We need more information. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted March 10, 2023 Share Posted March 10, 2023 1 hour ago, Luna13 said: “I get a weight on my chest when I make you feel not enough. I don’t mean to cause that feeling and I feel horrible. I’ll think through what I’m going to do to make it better. I’m sorry” Why was he feeling that he caused you to feel "not enough"? Why would he say that? I sure hope that a virtual stranger has no power over you to make you feel "not enough." Why the mention of "building a relationship" with a guy you aren't dating? I will say that if this type of drama is going on between you and a guy you are "just talking" to and not dating, cutting off the "talking" is definitely the right move. With the limited information you provided, I have the clear sense that this is one of the so common threads with "all day every day" texting with a stranger and getting WAY ahead of reality. Seems to be a universally bad approach. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted March 10, 2023 Share Posted March 10, 2023 11 hours ago, Luna13 said: he knows he couldn’t do a long distance relationship Important to know, and your question is answered. 11 hours ago, Luna13 said: I don’t want to pressure him. But he and I both enjoy talking and flirting with each other and he also isn’t giving in and saying to continue or to stop. If you just want to have a text or chat buddy, or virtual sex, whatever people do that aren't going to interact in person, I guess continue. Is that what you actually want though? It doesn't seem like it if you are, as per your other thread, already having drama about "feelings" with this person. Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted March 10, 2023 Share Posted March 10, 2023 (edited) 2 hours ago, Luna13 said: We didn’t talk at all yesterday except for a small text he sent saying hope you had a good day. Then I replied and he “liked” the message. We haven’t gone a day without talking. Give the man a hot minute before you start analyzing every little detail. Nobody here knows if he's interested except him, so give him time and he'll show you whether he is or not. A female's feelings for someone can always be detected by us going all private eye investigator on him. Edited March 10, 2023 by Alpacalia Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted March 10, 2023 Share Posted March 10, 2023 12 hours ago, Luna13 said: He said he likes what we have but if he falls for me, he knows he couldn’t do a long distance relationship so he’s on the fence of how serious we get. That's understandable. He's being honest about what he wants and what he's willing to commit to. If it's too difficult to maintain a long-distance relationship, it might be better to keep things casual and enjoy the time you do have together. You may want to combine both threads into one. This will help to keep all related discussion in one place and make it easier to follow. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ami1uwant Posted March 10, 2023 Share Posted March 10, 2023 3 hours ago, stillafool said: What made him send this text. We need more information. ChatGPT 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted March 10, 2023 Share Posted March 10, 2023 He sounds insecure about himself... Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 10, 2023 Share Posted March 10, 2023 What is the context, OP? Why were you two talking about just before he sent that? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Luna13 Posted March 10, 2023 Author Share Posted March 10, 2023 28 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: What is the context, OP? Why were you two talking about just before he sent that? The conversation of hypothetically getting into a relationship one day. I said I have feelings for him and I don’t want him to feel uncomfortable if things are one-sided. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 10, 2023 Share Posted March 10, 2023 7 hours ago, Luna13 said: “I get a weight on my chest when I make you feel not enough. I don’t mean to cause that feeling and I feel horrible. I’ll think through what I’m going to do to make it better. I’m sorry Perhaps he's growing weary of sustaining a cyber situationship? Yes give him some space. However carefully reflect if you want to forego on meeting real life local men to pursue this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Luna13 Posted March 10, 2023 Author Share Posted March 10, 2023 1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said: Perhaps he's growing weary of sustaining a cyber situationship? Yes give him some space. However carefully reflect if you want to forego on meeting real life local men to pursue this. I am giving him space. I apologized for causing any tension and he didn’t respond. But he sent a text the next day saying I hope I had a good day and that work went well. Haven’t spoken at all today. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 10, 2023 Share Posted March 10, 2023 8 hours ago, Luna13 said: “I get a weight on my chest when I make you feel not enough. I don’t mean to cause that feeling and I feel horrible. I’ll think through what I’m going to do to make it better. I’m sorry” 2 hours ago, Luna13 said: The conversation of hypothetically getting into a relationship one day. I said I have feelings for him and I don’t want him to feel uncomfortable if things are one-sided. So it seems that you like him and told him so then he said the bolded above. Is that correct? It sounds to me like he's apologizing and telling you how bad he feels about not being able to reciprocate those feelings to you. He feels bad making you feel like you aren't good enough to be his girl and he wants to make it clear; but not hurt you in the process. If you like him and have told him so but he just wants to be friends, stop contact with him so you can get over him. He's already feeling uncomfortable because he will have to guard his language so he doesn't hurt you. Also for you it's like dangling a carrot to a hungry rabbit. Being around him will just make you sad and waste your time. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted March 11, 2023 Share Posted March 11, 2023 Why would you want to invest yourself in a person who is in a different state who you wouldn't be able to see in person regularly? Seems like a waste of time. And the fact that he already told you he "couldn't do a long distance relationship" is all the information you need. This is going nowhere. Date people who are local. Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted March 11, 2023 Share Posted March 11, 2023 What this means is that you guys are talking way too much via text and now you're getting lost in words. How about you and he go and meet in person? And spend time? You would be able to ask a follow-up question and read his face and body language. As to this specific text, just say "I don't understand what you mean." That's a line you want to start using. We are allowed to ask for clarification. He does sound super self-critical. I can't tell if that's because he just rejected you and he's now doing the "I'm a bad person" thing or not. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 11, 2023 Share Posted March 11, 2023 (edited) I have a friend who met her husband online. He lived in another country, he moved to be with her and they are happily married with two children. Not saying that it can’t happen, but I think this is a rare exception. I can’t imagine being in a long distance relationship with a man unless it was time limited and there is a plan to bring it together. And I can’t imagine choosing to be in a long distance relationship with a man I had never met - how do you build a relationship when you are not able to spend time together in person? To me, that defeats the purpose of being in a romantic relationship. And it would appear based on his comment, that the man you have been talking with tends to agree… Edited March 11, 2023 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 11, 2023 Share Posted March 11, 2023 8 hours ago, Luna13 said: The conversation of hypothetically getting into a relationship one day. I said I have feelings for him and I don’t want him to feel uncomfortable if things are one-sided. Ok. His response to this tells me that, unforunately, things are one-sided. I'm sorry. It seems he doesn't have the courage to be very honest and tell you directly that he doesn't feel the same way. But the underlying message is clear. I would step back from this and focus on meeting other guys. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 11, 2023 Share Posted March 11, 2023 12 hours ago, Alpacalia said: You may want to combine both threads into one. This will help to keep all related discussion in one place and make it easier to follow. This. OP, based on his comments you posted in this and your other thread - no, you should not continue. You will wind up hurt, since he's made it pretty clear that he doesn't see this developing into something more. Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted March 11, 2023 Share Posted March 11, 2023 (edited) He is telling you, in a polite way, that you are putting too much pressure on him. If someone has expressed that they are not interested in pursuing a romantic relationship, it's essential to take that at face value and not push them further. I think that you need to take some time to reflect on the potential benefits of continuing. Is it worth pursuing a platonic relationship and beneficial to both of you? Ask yourself if you can continue this connection without expecting a romantic relationship, since it seems like you are quite invested at this point. Edited March 11, 2023 by Alpacalia 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted March 13, 2023 Share Posted March 13, 2023 I don’t think this guy is making enough effort to keep communicating. he seems like a waste of time. he also may be married. Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted March 13, 2023 Share Posted March 13, 2023 On 3/10/2023 at 2:30 PM, Luna13 said: do I give him space? Or do I just ask what I should do? It honestly doesn't matter because he already told you he wont do a long distance relationship. It seems the only option you have at the moment is friendship. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts