Developing a friendship with a contractor - how to know if I am being used?

[suckered]

So I work in a small company and have been managing a contractor for 6 months. I have recently moved to the new city for a job so am pretty lonely and lacking friends.

This contractor talks to me for hours during work day and we have a lot in common. However, I am also in charge of extending his contract. It probably wasn't too smart to open up to him about how lonely I was.

He also invited me out with his friends a few times and I thought that may be a good way for me to meet some new people. Nothing came of it as his friends didn't seem to accepting of me (which I guess is fair enough because they all knew each other for decades).

Basically, I don't want my vulnerability to be used. There are some red flags, like in few instances I noticed that he told me that he likes that same things that I do but when we were out I found out that it wasn't true.

I certainly don't want to spend hours chatting to him every day thinking I am making a real friend and he is just doing it to extend his contract.

[Wiseman2]

46 minutes ago, suckered said:

I certainly don't want to spend hours chatting to him every day thinking I am making a real friend and he is just doing it to extend his contract.

It doesn't seem like he's "using" you. It seems like he is maintaining your professional relationship as well as likes you as a person. All you can do is pull back and not try to be such close friends or confidants. 

[NuevoYorko]

It's probably not a wise professional move to spend hours each day with someone you're managing as part of your job.   Not because he might be "using" you.  It's simply not appropriate.

There's nothing wrong with doing stuff with him after hours if you want to, but I think you're probably already sabotaging your friendship by worrying about whether he's trying to use you and looking for discrepancies in what he's told you in order to support this fear.  

It's unlikely that anything good will come out of a friendship or whatever it is that starts out with one person so suspicious of the other.

Don't allow anybody to use you, this guy included.  If YOU are enjoying spending time with him, great.  If YOU want to try to date him, go ahead.  There are inherent challenges to dating a work associate, as you know.  Though he is not necessarily "using" you it will be awkward for sure if you don't renew his contract - and no guarantees for any future if you do.  

 

[glows]

Nah, pass. Just be professional and cordial in any interactions. Don’t volunteer anything personal about yourself and if he’s a good worker, extend the contract. 

Check out some organizations and groups around town. Forget needing someone to go with or feeling sad and shy. Bite the bullet and go. And also go for your own interests and reasons. You may not click right away with everyone but the more people recognize you over time that will pass. 

[ShyViolet]

Your gut is telling you that this guy is not being genuine, or you wouldn't have created this post.  He's not your friend.  Stop crossing boundaries and opening up to him so much.  There are other ways to make friends.  Focus on making friends elsewhere, and just keep it professional with him.

[PersiaRae562]

This is simply a conflict of interest.  Friends and business is not a combination that does well, ESPECIALLY when it is like this from the very start.  

My advice is you distance yourself from the contractor and keep things professional for six months.  Then if you become natural friends over time, that is different

[RoseBush]

On 3/15/2023 at 8:36 AM, ShyViolet said:

Your gut is telling you that this guy is not being genuine, or you wouldn't have created this post.  He's not your friend.  Stop crossing boundaries and opening up to him so much.  There are other ways to make friends.  Focus on making friends elsewhere, and just keep it professional with him.

yes i agree with you 

[S2B]

Join a few groups for socializing and to meet new people.

don’t spend so much time talking with this coworker. When he’s at work - he needs to be working. 
 

just focus on working while you are at work. Don’t date anyone from your job. That gets messy.