Positive versus Realist

[basil67]

55 minutes ago, basil67 said:

 Unless you get paid to help people, don't do large jobs for those who aren't already in a warm and giving relationship with you. 

I've worded this badly and it sounds terrible.  Please let me correct. 

Helping those who need help is a good thing.  Helping people to learn how to help themselves is good.  Helping people who are in crisis is a good thing.  Helping an old neighbour who's not strong enough to mow his lawn anymore is a good thing.  

But just make sure to draw a line so that you don't leave yourself short or feeling taken advantage of.   For instance, of the lady in the 6 bedroom house, if she was too ill to be able to coordinate this herself and didn't have the money to pay professionals, asking for a working bee of her friends and neighbours would have been a good choice for her to make.   If she wasn't too ill, I would have expected her to find her own removalist, get her own boxes, be proactive with labelling and do a large amount of the packing herself with coming along for a few hours here and there to lend a hand.

Edited April 27, 2023 by basil67

[ZA Dater]

19 hours ago, Foxhall said:

Id venture that you are actually pretty emotionally resilient rather than not, you have to plough a lone furrow and deal with all this loneliness in your own head without having any close friends to bounce things off,

I recall about 12-17 years ago I was very dependant on one particular friend for social interactions and when he dumped me for want of a better word, you know it was not easy to pick myself up and without sounding too dramatic ,face the world all alone,

but gradually over time I leamed how to interact better and make new friends- ironically Id know a lot more women nowadays than my old pal does,

One thing I am involved in from time to time is adult education- surprisingly Ive come across maybe three or four women  in the classes over the few years that have been interested in romantic encounters,

the most recent was a Ukrainian about 15 years younger than me- I had a sense I had a real chance there and this was a woman who could give me children, but what the hell I decided that I am in a relationship and it is better not to pursue it,

but I have that mindset now - progressed from having been someone who really struggled with all social interactions - to someone who believes he could land a younger woman nowadays.

two things Id do if I were you,

Id join some regular activity where there will likely be a few female attendees-something like a language learning class  where you get a chance to get to know the people over a number of weeks,

and this may sound funny- but Id even not be trying that hard or not trying at all to impress people or make friends- just go along for the ride with no expectations  and funnily enough you might have a better outcome.

I think for many people the way to gain more positive social interaction is to see the same people over an extended period of time because one can become familiar, I remember when I used to commute by train (if you want a laugh read about the public rail system in South Africa) and I often used to see a lady and over time we ended up having short conversations, again positive social interaction. Likewise when I was studying it easier to have positive social connections because there was a common "interest". Its considerably more difficult at a party because there is nothing really to start a conversation about, well for me at least!

The bold is absolutely true, people around me cannot relate to it at all because I'd most of them by virtue of being highly social do not have this issue. In the context of positive experiences I have learnt that putting myself in awkward social settings is very problematic and does nothing to make me feel less lonely and drains whatever good I can find in the experience.

Most of the posts in this thread have made me think about many things  and the thing I am thinking most is how to try carry a positive approach forward even when the overwhelming sense is negative and the reality is perhaps not what I want. I agree that one should not be taken advantage of but the problem I have here is where do I draw the line, just today I committed myself to helping someone out, this will taken quite a lot of time but as I do not really have anything else to do, why not?

Trying to impress people is something I stopped doing a long time ago, sometimes I wonder if this was the right decision. The most impressive people I have met are the ones who really did not go out to impress and exuded confidence.

When it comes to positive there is actually something I do want to accomplish, I have no idea how I am going to do this but its basically to try experience what i have always wanted to, the idea firmly in the positive category but not sure it sits in the realistic category and this is the thing, the things which make me happiest of seemingly defying what I in theory should not be able to experience and are thus not always realistic. 

 

[NuevoYorko]

Maybe it would be worthwhile for you to forget, for a bit, about what you WANT and how you will never get what you WANT and how unfair it is that you are impeded from getting it. Hot women or whatever.  

Yes, people tend to have goals and dreams, but those who live well are probably people who are committed to taking each day as it comes and experiencing what life brings as it rolls on.  

You set yourself up for disappointment every waking moment by your preoccupation with what you WANT and how thwarted you are.  Frankly, sometimes you come off like a spoiled  child indulging in tantrums because you can't get what you want, when and how you want it.  

 

 

[ZA Dater]

2 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

Maybe it would be worthwhile for you to forget, for a bit, about what you WANT and how you will never get what you WANT and how unfair it is that you are impeded from getting it. Hot women or whatever.  

Yes, people tend to have goals and dreams, but those who live well are probably people who are committed to taking each day as it comes and experiencing what life brings as it rolls on.  

You set yourself up for disappointment every waking moment by your preoccupation with what you WANT and how thwarted you are.  Frankly, sometimes you come off like a spoiled  child indulging in tantrums because you can't get what you want, when and how you want it.  

Just not the way I work, everyday is a step to hopefully getting a bit closer to the goals I set myself, its more how to keep a positive outlook when those steps seems so small and insignificant.

Focusing on what I want is what motivates me, I tried what you suggest for a while and I simply just felt lost because if I have something to focus on its a lot easier to look past the issues with the "now" and rather focus on the future, the reality is yes this is not ideal but seeing as I cant solve most of thee current issues, spending time on them is fairly pointless. 

Its interesting you bring up experiences, there is a big proviso in everything I do, when it comes to experiences, I want to try get the best ones I can so in some instances I pass up opportunities which do not quite align with what I want to do and rather focus on getting the sort of experience I actually want. If I do not get that experience then I am usually quite OK with it and seldom do I regret not taking the alternative opportunity.

Add to the fact that there are certain people around me who seem to want to decide what they think is best for me and it becomes even easier to pass up opportunities which do not align with what I want to accomplish.

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, ZA Dater said:

what I want to accomplish.

What specifically are your goals that you want to accomplish? Can you list them for us?

[ZA Dater]

2 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

What specifically are your goals that you want to accomplish? Can you list them for us?

 There are a few, one of which is try to be a better version of myself each day.  Goals change over time, many do not remain static but for me I want to accomplish a degree of success to feel like I have actually accomplished something and this is where this is a double edged sword because its good to have goals and measure oneself against them but perhaps what is not so good is to have goals which fall into the very difficult category/unlikely category because the smaller achievements never really feel as good.

As I have said my biggest goal is to prove others wrong, that is the underlying motivation behind all of it. Of course I had the goal that many have but pretty much will never happen so I can focus on other things, driving a supercar through the Italian hills, Bora Bora, Positano, attending car week in the USA and many other things. Another goal is to finish the novel I have been writing over an extended period.

Having said all of that I would ok with accomplishing none of that, I have been lucky to live some of my passions more than many get to so maybe I should just be thankful for that. 

I am always torn between having goals and being thankful for the experiences I have had. 

 

[NuevoYorko]

6 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Just not the way I work, everyday is a step to hopefully getting a bit closer to the goals I set myself, its more how to keep a positive outlook when those steps seems so small and insignificant.

 

From your presence on this site, it seems like the way you work is to constantly have your eye fixed on a super achievement ("getting" a "10," or some of the things you just listed) and then hyper-focussing on your misery for not getting whatever and especially on how whatever you do get, have, or do is not what you want.

It's very immature.  

Obviously you're getting things out of this - a ton of attention here, for one thing.  Also you seem to enjoy self pity a great deal.  So it's working well for you.  

Still, there's a lot to be said for trying to understand how successful (by "successful" I mean those who are able to get the best out of their lives) people function.  

[ZA Dater]

3 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

From your presence on this site, it seems like the way you work is to constantly have your eye fixed on a super achievement ("getting" a "10," or some of the things you just listed) and then hyper-focussing on your misery for not getting whatever and especially on how whatever you do get, have, or do is not what you want.

It's very immature.  

Obviously you're getting things out of this - a ton of attention here, for one thing.  Also you seem to enjoy self pity a great deal.  So it's working well for you.  

Still, there's a lot to be said for trying to understand how successful (by "successful" I mean those who are able to get the best out of their lives) people function.  

Fortunately we are all entitled to our opinions. I have a pretty good idea how successful people function but thanks for that. Yes, I do have my eye set on supposed super achievement again my opinion and my philosophy, both of which I am entitled to and yes I do sometimes wonder why some people do not aim higher and seem happy to just be but who am I to judge, they are happy so ultimately it works for them so why change something that works. It simply does not work for me and never ever has.

Again what makes other people happy is great, they are happy but to say we should all be happy with the same things misses the point that we are all unique. I know more than enough people who just be and are pretty happy with that, good for them but again I know I would not be happy with that because there is not the challenge of the seemingly impossible. At the moment I am working on something very challenging which I am enjoying because of that challenge and because each day I am moving forward despite the inevitable set backs, sure it might ultimately not happen but the experience of the challenge is something I enjoy.

As for getting the "best out of their lives", again subjective, what is great to one is not to another and so on and so forth. If someone can look in the mirror each day and say they are living their best life, kudos to them but I cant say the same for me because I am not but what I can do is try make my own day as positive as I can. 

No, its good to hear the opinions of others, there are people here, yourself included who have done significantly better than me at many facets of life and have far greater experience than I do, however I have a few experiences ticked which are important to me and I am glad for that and that is the thing, you can eat an entire cake or you can eat a mouthful, some get to eat the whole cake, some get to eat a crumb but its still the same cake. I had hoped to do significantly better at certain things but I have not but I have had the odd crumb here and there.

A crumb of good cake is better than a lemon. I'll say this though, of the things I wanted to do, the things I could possibly do in life, I have done most of the attainable things so I'd say its a fair life lived.