MarcoPolo2 Posted March 12, 2023 Share Posted March 12, 2023 Hello everyone, I'm looking for some insight into my current situation. I've been dating this girl for a few months so far. We really seem to have good chemistry and get along quite well. My problem is, she often mentions her ex boyfriend and is excited to learn about his personal life trough her friends. At the same time, she is hesitant to go to places where he is expected to be at. From what I figured out, he hurt her quite a bit (A really long time ago, but he was her first) I know, most of you will say sit her down and have a deep conversation with her. I already did that, she said that he isn't important to her at all and that she doesn't wish to reunite with him ever again. However, she recently seems to be really interested in this one place that he tends to be at. What kind of affected all of this too is that I have really learned a lot about their relationship, sadly even the details. I wanted to learn a bit about what was happening between them to see what she likes or dislikes so that I have something to start with, but she told me a bit too much. The good thing is, when I confront her about a problem she really fixes it quickly. I'm afraid that I will get hurt with time. And I really don't know what to do but I like this girl a lot. Another issue that really scares me is that this girl can't express her feelings to me trough words, and she isn't really expressing them as much trough deeds. I cincerely hope that someone more experienced can give me some insight, because I have never been dealing with a situation like this. Thank you in advance. Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted March 12, 2023 Share Posted March 12, 2023 How long has it been since they were together, and how long were they together? Everyone has history, and women tend to remember their first, so it's not reasonable to expect her to purge her memory. An attitude of indifference would be good. As long as she is trying to avoid him, not communicating or following his social media, I'd say you're probably okay. But since your relationship is new, maintain some objectivity and be observant. Don't go all-in headfirst, let it develop over time. It will take a lot longer than a few months to really get to know her. Most of the posts we see on this topic are because she is trying to be "friends" with the ex and driving the new bf nuts. By comparison you seem to be in good shape. Just keep your eyes open (without being jealous), and work on getting her to be more open about her feelings. Good luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 13, 2023 Share Posted March 13, 2023 2 hours ago, MarcoPolo2 said: . Im afraid that I will get hurt with time. How long have they been broken up?Are you worried about being the rebound? Step back. Let her miss you. Stop all discussion about him. Try to make the relationship about you two. Deep discussions about him is harming your relationship. Three is a crowd, you don't need a ghost in the room. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 13, 2023 Share Posted March 13, 2023 4 hours ago, MarcoPolo2 said: I wanted to learn a bit about what was happening between them to see what she likes or dislikes so that I have something to start with, but she told me a bit too much. Look, when you're in a healthy relationship, this sort of conversation really isn't even necessary. Did you ask about their sex life? What are you referring to by "her likes and dislikes"? That sounds like code for sexual preferences, if I'm being honest. In any event, she sounds hung up on him, and you are right to be concerned about getting hurt. Your gut is trying to tell you something here. You would be very wise to listen to it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted March 13, 2023 Share Posted March 13, 2023 Something tells me she isn't over him. He hurt her and it has obviously affected her deeply. Does she follow his social media? Link to post Share on other sites
Author MarcoPolo2 Posted March 13, 2023 Author Share Posted March 13, 2023 3 hours ago, JTSW said: Something tells me she isn't over him. He hurt her and it has obviously affected her deeply. Does she follow his social media? Yeah, they have each other on instagram. And altough they haven't spoken in a year she still has his name with a heart in her contact list. Actually, she was really excited to show me a picture of him in the club. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MarcoPolo2 Posted March 13, 2023 Author Share Posted March 13, 2023 10 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: Look, when you're in a healthy relationship, this sort of conversation really isn't even necessary. Did you ask about their sex life? What are you referring to by "her likes and dislikes"? That sounds like code for sexual preferences, if I'm being honest. In any event, she sounds hung up on him, and you are right to be concerned about getting hurt. Your gut is trying to tell you something here. You would be very wise to listen to it. I didn't ask her anything about her sexual life with him, she kind of mentioned that on her own... Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 13, 2023 Share Posted March 13, 2023 I would end it with her. He's still taking up way too much rent in her heart and mind. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MarcoPolo2 Posted March 13, 2023 Author Share Posted March 13, 2023 (edited) Just now, ExpatInItaly said: I would end it with her. He's still taking up way too much rent in her heart and mind. I guess I know that this is the real answer. I just really wish it weren't.... I did my best with this girl. Edited March 13, 2023 by MarcoPolo2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MarcoPolo2 Posted March 13, 2023 Author Share Posted March 13, 2023 14 hours ago, salparadise said: How long has it been since they were together, and how long were they together? Everyone has history, and women tend to remember their first, so it's not reasonable to expect her to purge her memory. An attitude of indifference would be good. As long as she is trying to avoid him, not communicating or following his social media, I'd say you're probably okay. But since your relationship is new, maintain some objectivity and be observant. Don't go all-in headfirst, let it develop over time. It will take a lot longer than a few months to really get to know her. Most of the posts we see on this topic are because she is trying to be "friends" with the ex and driving the new bf nuts. By comparison you seem to be in good shape. Just keep your eyes open (without being jealous), and work on getting her to be more open about her feelings. Good luck to you. It ended a year ago, to which she knows exactly how many months and days have passed. They were together for about 6 months. Link to post Share on other sites
semble Posted March 13, 2023 Share Posted March 13, 2023 If you really like her give it some time. Feelings fade.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted March 13, 2023 Share Posted March 13, 2023 You are right to be worried. She may indeed still be attached to her ex. You cannot always trust people's words. You're right to focus on her actions and that she still has him as a contact with a heart by his name/photo. Red flag. Takes three seconds to delete that. Why hasn't she? Very smart to notice that she seems interested in encountering this guy, maybe to show him that she has you. Red flag. Here's the trap: I don't think you can get reliable answers on this from her. She might be in denial. Her ego may not want to acknowledge that she's still interested in the ex. So the more you ask, the more useless denials you'll get. Instead, focus on her actions and on your own feelings of security or lack of security. After months of dating her, you should ideally be feeling pretty clear about her feelings. There should be no background noise. She is likely to get angry if you keep asking about this. Note: her anger does not mean she's innocent of what you suspect, that she still carries a torch for this guy. I would run the scenario in your brain of fully backing off and/or breaking up with her. Make room for that. Trust those nagging feelings and nagging intuition you have that something funny and odd is going on. Trust that! Do not trust her fierce denials if she continues with the same behavior. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted March 13, 2023 Share Posted March 13, 2023 5 hours ago, MarcoPolo2 said: Yeah, they have each other on instagram. And altough they haven't spoken in a year she still has his name with a heart in her contact list. Actually, she was really excited to show me a picture of him in the club. It ended a year ago, to which she knows exactly how many months and days have passed. They were together for about 6 months. Rereading yours and everyone else's subsequent posts, It does seem like she may still be carrying the torch. And if he dumped her, that can cause a certain type of trauma effect that takes a long time to resolve. You know what your instincts are telling you, and assuming you're not prone to unfounded paranoia, then you should pay attention. Perhaps give it a bit more time to confirm (or not)... but when you feel certain that she's still got the hots for the ex, and she's just using you as a placeholder, and/or for the entertainment... don't wasted any time. Sounds like from one of your posts that you've already reached that conclusion. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted March 13, 2023 Share Posted March 13, 2023 You are dating a person who is not over their ex. It's pretty obvious. If she was over him, she wouldn't be constantly talking about him, and "excited" to find out about his life. This isn't normal relationship behavior. You've already tried talking to her about it, and that didn't work. I would consider ending the relationship. Why would you want to date someone who is hung up on their ex and not ready to devote themselves entirely to you? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted March 14, 2023 Share Posted March 14, 2023 18 hours ago, MarcoPolo2 said: Yeah, they have each other on instagram. And altough they haven't spoken in a year she still has his name with a heart in her contact list. Actually, she was really excited to show me a picture of him in the club. This isn't good. If they don't talk then she shouldn't have him on her instagram. The fact she gets excited to show you pics of him screams that she's not over him. Have you told her how uncomfortable it makes you feel when she does this? Have you asked her to stop following him? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 14, 2023 Share Posted March 14, 2023 18 hours ago, MarcoPolo2 said: It ended a year ago, to which she knows exactly how many months and days have passed. They were together for about 6 months. If she is still putting him on a pedestal and talking incessantly about him, you two are not really in a relationship. It's more like you're listening to her obsession with him as a substitute therapist. Sorry, but I see very little potential unless the relationship starts being about the two of you. . 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MarcoPolo2 Posted March 14, 2023 Author Share Posted March 14, 2023 (edited) Hello again everyone, I would like to thank you all for the comments and insights that you have given me so far. They are clever and grown up, I really appreciate it. We ended up texting about it (a grave mistake, I know... But I have a duty that has sent me away for a week) and she was in absolute denial. One of you actually predicted this and I agree, she just can't give me reliable answers. However, she apologised today and said that she really cares about me and wants to fix things up between us (she didn't admit anything yet, just said she feels terrible that I'm hurt). I'll have to think about this and make a decision, but as of now I don't really want to continue my relatioship with her. The problem is, even if she fixes everything... I just don't know if I can trust her or if I even want to trust her again. Thank you for helping me out, you people are great! Ofcourse, if you have more conclusions or ideas about my situation I would be very happy to broaden my vision of the situation, or upgrade my knowledge on the topic. Edited March 14, 2023 by MarcoPolo2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted March 14, 2023 Share Posted March 14, 2023 14 minutes ago, MarcoPolo2 said: We ended up texting about it (a grave mistake, I know... But I have a duty that has sent me away for a week) and she was in absolute denial. One of you actually predicted this and I agree, she just can't give me reliable answers. However, she apologised today and said that she really cares about me and wants to fix things up between us (she didn't admit anything yet, just said she feels terrible that I'm hurt). I'll have to think about this and make a decision, but as of now I don't really want to continue my relatioship with her. The problem is, even if she fixes everything... I just don't know if I can trust her or if I even want to trust her again. If she is not being honest with you, which it sounds like she's not, then you shouldn't continue the relationship. You can't have a relationship with someone who you can't trust. It sounds like you have a good perspective about this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted March 14, 2023 Share Posted March 14, 2023 Yep, she's throwing the words at you, but I like that you are listening quite carefully and you heard clearly that she was NOT admitting she did anything wrong. That's a great catch. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 15, 2023 Share Posted March 15, 2023 12 hours ago, MarcoPolo2 said: I don't really want to continue my relatioship with her. The problem is, even if she fixes everything.. Good call. Even if she "fixes everything" and stops talking about him, there's nothing you can do about her preoccupation or obsession with it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MarcoPolo2 Posted March 18, 2023 Author Share Posted March 18, 2023 (edited) Hello everyone, you guys were really helpful and I value your efforts. Therefore, I wanted to share the outcome of the situation with you. I talked with my girlfriend about it in real life, I didn't hold back and said everything honestly. She has apologised for her behaviour and promised to never talk about her ex again. She said that he means nothing to her and that she is really sorry that what took her to stop her fear of being hurt was our relationship dying and me wanting to dump her. I decided to give this relationship a second chance. What she promised was to devote herself entirely to this relationship, I think this will be quite well. She said that she really loves me, that she is sorry that she doesn't say that more often (and that she will start expressing it instantly) and cares about me too much to let our relationship fall apart. My decision is to really give it a second chance, I doubt that she will put me in this sitation again but for the time being I will be on the lookout for red flags. Interesting thing is: I usually tell her when a girl asks me out (Out of respect). My ex girlfriend asked me out quite a few times, I would notify her when she did. My guess is that the part of this issue was her feeling not worthy because I was getting a lot of attention from other girls, which motivated her to talk about these things because she wanted to say that she was desired too. She said that it drove her crazy. Once again, I would like to thank all of you for the advice that gave me. You guys really helped me out a lot. Edited March 18, 2023 by MarcoPolo2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted March 19, 2023 Share Posted March 19, 2023 21 minutes ago, MarcoPolo2 said: Interesting thing is: I usually tell her when a girl asks me out (Out of respect). My ex girlfriend asked me out quite a few times, I would notify her when she did. My guess is that the part of this issue was her feeling not worthy because I was getting a lot of attention from other girls, which motivated her to talk about these things because she wanted to say that she was desired too. She said that it drove her crazy. Wow. This is 24K. Holysmokes. I can totally see how that could happen. Kudos to both of you guys for uncovering it. That's some good communication. Best of luck! Mrin Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted March 21, 2023 Share Posted March 21, 2023 On 3/18/2023 at 11:55 PM, MarcoPolo2 said: She has apologised for her behaviour and promised to never talk about her ex again. Hasn't she said this before though? It's easier said than done. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 21, 2023 Share Posted March 21, 2023 On 3/18/2023 at 7:55 PM, MarcoPolo2 said: I was getting a lot of attention from other girls. She said that it drove her crazy. It's good she spoke up about your reporting to her about how all these women want you. Now that you know it's not a good idea to do this, hopefully she'll be happier in the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts