Feeling silly to have hope- be gentle with me.

[KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela]

I had a first date/hookup with a guy Friday night. We've been talking for 6 weeks, so there has been a fair amount of buildup. But, at the same time, I went into it as I do with most online dates- fully expecting I may never see or talk to this guy again. This is the nature of online dating, sadly.

He looked mostly as I expected. I think there is always like a slight difference, as the mind interprets photos and real-life a bit differently. I wasn't unhappy with what I saw. He was a good looking guy. As for me, I am well-aware that I am pretty photogenic. I tried to send him realistic pictures of me, in addition to the good ones. I asked him for video chat multiple times. I felt like video chat may give him a more authentic idea of what I looked like, but he kept coming up with excuses on why not to. Ultimately, my biggest worry was that despite my attempts, I would look different than what he expected. That stereotypical, "You look bigger in person."

We walked to a local diner, which was unexpectedly closed, so we ended up driving to another restaurant instead. We chatted over "breakfast for dinner." Well....he talked. A lot. And I tried to keep up and offer something to the conversation. But, it was still nice. Very casual, very comfortable.

We went back to his place where he made some hot chocolate, and we sipped on hot chocolate and chatted. We were discussing our pets growing up, and he kissed me mid-conversation. Ha. It was a great kiss. A great kiss. We continued to kiss for a minute or so, and then pulled back and continued conversation. Things got a bit more touchy-feely. And then more and more kisses.....and then one thing led to another...

The sex was solid...and plentiful. I lost track of how many times, but I think it was about 5. But, the best part was laying in bed having real conversations. Not this faux deep existential, "What does it all mean?" BS. But...about his Dad's cancer. And how certain personality traits have shaped our perspectives. About risk tolerance and risk vs reward.

So, we were in bed until about 3 am. Either talking or the other thing. Cuddles and occasional kisses. Maybe a little catnap sprinkled in between there. The conversation just flowed. And then...it didn't. At about 3:30 am, he got up, I thought to go to the bathroom, but he was actually showering. He didn't invite me, by the way. When he came back, he had boxers on and was a lot less cuddly.

I didn't really think much of it, as I fell asleep shortly thereafter. I did notice when I woke up that he hadn't migrated over to my side of the bed. He wasn't snuggled up or anything. He was in his own little cocoon on the other side of the bed. (Despite us both talking previously how enjoyable morning cuddles are). I was a little annoyed, but not concerned. We were up late....so I figured he was just zonked out.

But, I had to leave relatively early. So...I waited for him to start stirring. 7 am came and went. 7:30 came and went. 8 am came and went. He was kind of mumbling in his sleep. But, he never really came to. So, finally around 8:40 am, I got dressed. I shook him gently and let him know I had to leave soon. He briefly opened his eyes and said something about feeling hot and cold at the same time. But, he seemed pretty out of it, not like he was pretending to be asleep or something. Then, he rolled over. Ugh.

I was hoping he would at least wake up long enough for us to de-brief, have a morning-after conversation, have a brief cuddle, or heck, at least a hug goodbye and walk me to my car. But....he just never came around. I really didn't want to do the dip while he slept. It just feels icky to me. Even if I tried to let him know I was leaving. Even if maybe he just didn't care. It still felt icky. But...it came to a point that I had to leave. So, I did.

I did write out a note, thanking him for the evening, and left it on his night stand. Then, I travelled home. (About 3 hours) And, I never heard from him. Never heard from him. Not a "Thanks for coming out." Not a "Let me know you get home okay." Nothing. I came to the determination that between him acting cold/asleep in the morning and not talking to me all day, I had truly been ghosted.

It's been a very long while since I have been straight-up ghosted after a first date, which I guess makes me lucky? Usually there is some conversational flow afterwards. Sometimes, it is agreed that things won't work out. But...we typically remain friendly and continue to talk, or maybe talk periodically, or a lot of the time, it just sort of tapers off eventually. I had forgotten how much that immediate first-date ghosting stings.

I didn't technically consider myself "ghosted" yet, but it felt like it was heading in that direction for sure. I was going to reach out to him in a few days and see where it got me. Anyway...he did reach out yesterday evening, thanking me for my note. There wasn't much of a conversation, just a couple of lines back and forth to each other.

I guess you could say I didn't continue the conversation, but he didn't really give me anything to respond to, just two words: "True story." I didn't really reply, and he hasn't reached out again either. I don't want to come across as overeager or clingy.

In my experience, it's sometimes a good idea to take a beat after a date, give some space and take some time. But, then again....sometimes, if a guy is interested, it's very clear. So, I don't know whether to assume the great part of the date was real, or if the sour part of the date was real.

Am I foolish to think something may come of this?

[Wiseman2]

25 minutes ago, KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela said:

. We've been talking for 6 weeks, so there has been a fair amount of buildup. ,I travelled home. About 3 hours.

Unfortunately this created a lot of faux intimacy. Sadly you found out it was just a one night stand. The 3 hour distance also inhibits this from going anywhere. Unfortunately because of talking for 6 weeks you were "relationshipping", not on a date.

[KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela]

16 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately this created a lot of faux intimacy. Sadly you found out it was just a one night stand. The 3 hour distance also inhibits this from going anywhere. Unfortunately because of talking for 6 weeks you were "relationshipping", not on a date.

Well. 

As to the 6 week time frame, we did attempt to meet sooner. But, he had a work thing come up. Then, I was out of town. Then, I caught Covid. So...it is what it is/was, unfortunately. 

As far as distance, I fully agree that this isn't ideal. But....it's also not the longest long-distance that people have endured. Being nearby would certainly make things a lot simpler. But, again, like I said....other, much further LDRs have succeeded. 

I am unfamiliar with the term relationshipping. 

[NuevoYorko]

What about this scenario gives you the idea that something further could come of it?   

Honestly, I was feeling uncomfortable on your behalf reading your post, when it got to the point where he took a shower.   In my experience, this would be a signal that it was time for you to go home.  That he REALLY REALLY wished you would go home. He did not want to sleep together, clearly.   The fact that he didn't wake up to say goodbye or even check that you'd made it home safely - very serious brush off, in my opinion.  

Think about it.  He can't even be bothered to say goodbye to you ... he certainly is not going to put any effort into maintaining a relationship that requires hours of travel.   I mean maybe if he gets horny he will reach out, since you've already shown that you're willing to do all the work, but do you want that?  I hope not.  

Lots of people are great at having and providing a good time when it comes to sex, including the trappings around it.

Sorry, I don't mean to be harsh at all but there are so many signals of NO here that it's kind of stunning that you aren't picking up on them.  

 

[Alpacalia]

Spoke for six weeks then went to his and had sex. 

Okay. So, not the brightest move but it happens.

I agree that long distance relationships can and do succeed in some cases. Seen it with my own eyes many times.

Unfortunately, in this case, the first date was the end of it.

Edited March 13, 2023 by Alpacalia

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela said:

Am I foolish to think something may come of this?

Not foolish, but just not realistic. 

He was apparently just looking for sex. He had a good time but isn't looking to take it further, it seems. I'm sorry. I would chalk this up to a lesson learned and not get into bed with them too quickly if you're not the type to enjoy one-and-done sex. 

[JTSW]

Unfortunately I agree that he was just looking for sex.

You deserve better. 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela said:

As far as distance, I fully agree that this isn't ideal. 

Yes the distance makes it more difficult. It seems you invested a lot and did most of the work by driving to him. Unfortunately, he seems a lot less invested than you hoped for. All you can do is see if he follows up or travels to you next time. 

[stillafool]

Why were you the one who had to drive 3 hours to him rather than the other way around.  I agree that after he got out of the shower he was ready for you to leave.  He also didn't want to wake up, he just wanted you to leave.  It's better to hold off on the sex until you know them better by spending time with them in person rather than text or app.  Also let them do the heavy lifting by driving to you rather than the other way around.

[BaileyB]

12 hours ago, KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela said:

the best part was laying in bed having real conversations. Not this faux deep existential, "What does it all mean?" BS. But...about his Dad's cancer. And how certain personality traits have shaped our perspectives. About risk tolerance and risk vs reward.

The fact that you spoke for six weeks and also shared some personal information has created a false sense of intimacy and expectation. Unfortunately, you had sex and that was all he really wanted. I would let it go as I doubt you will hear from him again. I would urge caution if you do, because he’s likely looking for more sex.

[ShyViolet]

Even though you had been talking for 6 weeks, this was the first actual date.  The first meetup.  Going over to his place and having a night of sex was not a good idea.  Way too much too soon.  He enjoyed it but then at a certain point he decided you had overstayed your welcome, and he did not want you to spend the night.  He was trying to gently let you know that by taking a shower and his body language.  If he can't be bothered to say goodbye to you or communicate with you afterwards, then obviously he's not up for a relationship.

Next time do not get so intense on the first date.  Wayyy too much.  You need to take some time to get to know them.

[ExpatInItaly]

33 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

He enjoyed it but then at a certain point he decided you had overstayed your welcome, and he did not want you to spend the night.  He was trying to gently let you know that by taking a shower and his body language

I agree. He didn't have the stones to come out and tell you it was time for you to go home, but that's the message he was trying to send. 

 

[stillafool]

16 hours ago, KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela said:

The sex was solid...and plentiful. I lost track of how many times, but I think it was about 5.

 

16 hours ago, KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela said:

I don't know whether to assume the great part of the date was real,

I think it's safe to say he thoroughly enjoyed the sex.  Did you shower before you left his place?  If so, he probably was awake and if not, he probably got turned off.

[Wiseman2]

15 hours ago, KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela said:

I am unfamiliar with the term relationshipping . 

This was what was meant by "relationshipping" as opposed to dating. Meaning, too much investment for a first date.

55 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

Next time do not get so intense on the first date.  Wayyy too much.  You need to take some time to get to know them.

 

[Lotsgoingon]

You had sex with a stranger. Apparently great sex. But six weeks of texting = zero weeks of knowing someone.

Sounds like the conversation got good and even intimate at times. Here's what you need to add to your awareness: guys will have open conversations with a woman that they only want have sex with. Doesn't mean they want more than sex.  

Your mistake was in thinking the conversation was genuinely intimate and part of an emerging bond. No, he was conversing only to relax you enough to have sex with him. And yes, did he enjoy the conversation, sure. But his goal was to have sex with you.  If sex were not on the agenda, your conversation would have been different. 

There is no ghosting even had he not contacted you. The relationship was over the moment he lay still in bed and refused to respond to your departure. It was over then. Done. Run its course. You were just in denial as you put your heart into the night. Tip: do not give your heart to a stranger. I'll define a stranger as someone you have met in person less than three times and those three times have to be multiple hours each. 

If you're looking for a relationship with someone, don't have sex with them on the first date. How about spending time together to get to know him?!

Yes, you can add this perspective gently. I hear your pain though and your disappointment, but you can save pain and disappointment by paying attention to the words of people here. 

 

 

Edited March 13, 2023 by Lotsgoingon

[NuevoYorko]

I'm sure I'm coming off like a broken record by now, but I'm getting more and more adamant in my opinion that a lot of texting contact before people have ever met, and also when they are just beginning dating, Is a terrible mistake.   It can be pretty fun and bring some excitement and anticipation, but rarely does it ever translate into something tangible once the people have an opportunity to spend time together.  You think something is established that is not.

You describe this situation right off as "first date / hookup" so I have the impression that you were prepared for this to be a one time thing.   I wonder why, if that's the case, you were so unavailable to receive the message that you were not invited to spend the night.   I agree that he didn't have the stones to dismiss you, but he was very blatant.  Had you arranged in advance that you'd be sleeping over?  

Were you that enchanted by the hot chocolate and chats?