My husband M 47 of 5 years is texting attractive female coworkers and long term exes.

[debs31]

My husband of 5 years says he needs to have friends and they are mostly attractive and female.  I agree that he should have friends but I have a concern that he becomes very private.  If i sit next to him he will not text them and accuses me of trying to block him from texting.  It has got to the point where I no longer  am allowed  to sit next to my husband in the evening because I am accused of trying to see what he is doing.  My argument to him was that if these relationships are innocent why is there a problem to be around me whilst messaging? his reply is that he feels im trying to control his life and want to know everything hes saying.  This is not true as I never ask who he is texting or what was said.  Please I desperately need some advice.  He's making me feel like I am the one with the problem.  

Edited March 13, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
shorten title

[ExpatInItaly]

You he's texting long-term exes and attractive coworkers - how do you know this? 

[debs31]

He told me this.  

[melissaharper]

Obviously a red flag. Also why would he tell you about this ?

[debs31]

I really don't know why he even told me.  He wont even open his phone if he's near me.  I even get accused of looking to see if hes messaging someone when im sitting across the room.  I dont have x-ray vision, but these comments arouse my suspicions.    

[melissaharper]

if they are just platonic kind of messages, he would not have a reason to hide or block you from being around.

[debs31]

This is exactly what i am blue in the face trying to tell him.  He chooses to understand this as me trying to control him and wanting to see everything hes writing, but Ive never told him this.  He is twisting my words and picturing me as a crazy woman in his mind. He has even told me that im crazy and psycho

[melissaharper]

If he is also using such language, he is narcissistic because he is now depicting you as the crazy one. Again someone who loves you doesn't call you a psycho ☹️

[melissaharper]

2 minutes ago, S2B said:

Someone who loves and respects you does not act this way.

I’d be divorcing him asap.

Do you work full time? Can you support yourself?

Exactly, but I would advise maybe counselling first. Sometimes it works. He should be willing to address this at least with a third party even if its not a counsellor. This is for him to see that what he is doing is not normal and you are not crazy 

[debs31]

Yes i do work full time and can support myself. It is more an issue of that I feel so confused by this whole situation.  After discussing it for a whole day yesterday he still believes that I only want to control him.  I feel like he twists my words to make himself feel he is right.  I dont think he would be willing to go to counselling.  I will ask him. 

[JTSW]

He is projecting it onto you to justify what he is doing.

If he hides it then it's not innocent.

Don't let him feel like you are wrong because you're not.

He is being unfaithful and absolutely insufferable.

Gather all evidence if you can and divorce him.

[debs31]

I cant check his phone bill.  it doesnt work like that where i live.  Plus I think he uses messaging apps such as facebook, whatsapp or instagram. He also works in IT so has everything at top security.  

[debs31]

Because he has literally made me believe that im the one with a problem til now.  Today I have decided to take a stand.  I am going to treat him with the same respect he gives me.  I told him im going out and might not be home when he gets in so he may need to see what he will eat.  To this he has gone mad asking where Im going.  I told him that we need some privacy in our lives (as he has told me many times) and dont need to tell each other everything.  

[JTSW]

29 minutes ago, debs31 said:

Because he has literally made me believe that im the one with a problem til now.  Today I have decided to take a stand.  I am going to treat him with the same respect he gives me.  I told him im going out and might not be home when he gets in so he may need to see what he will eat.  To this he has gone mad asking where Im going.  I told him that we need some privacy in our lives (as he has told me many times) and dont need to tell each other everything.  

I like this.

Bit of reverse pshycology.

Play him at his own game.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, debs31 said:

. He has even told me that im crazy and psycho

Sorry this is happening. Besides shutting you out, gaslighting and name calling are there more signs of abuse?

Stop asking him about his phone. It's a game to make you feel like you're crazy for wanting a decent relationship.

Read up on abusive relationships. Do not suggest marriage therapy. Instead privately and confidentiality (do not tell him) seek out a qualified therapist for ongoing support and help extricating yourself from this mental abuse.

 

 

Edited March 13, 2023 by Wiseman2

[debs31]

Do you believe that this is that serious of an issue?  All i want is to be heard and respected.  Unfortunately, he is not able to say to me I hear what you are saying and will take it on board,  He always has to turn it around that im trying to control him and wanting to see everything, which in reality i dont ever ask to see anything.  This frustrates me even more. 

[stillafool]

9 minutes ago, debs31 said:

Do you believe that this is that serious of an issue?

Yes it is.  Your husband has no respect for you.  He is texting other women and telling you about it and basically daring you to do anything about it.  Stop begging him, pack your things and leave him.

[debs31]

With regards to other signs of abuse.  When he is angry with me he will stand over me and shout and point his finger quite close in my face.  He is is a lot taller than me.  I have asked him not to to this as I am not a small child, but he still continues.  

[stillafool]

Yeah, I'd be outta there.

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, debs31 said:

With regards to other signs of abuse.  When he is angry with me he will stand over me and shout and point his finger quite close in my face.  He is is a lot taller than me.  I have asked him not to to this as I am not a small child, but he still continues.  

Abusers enjoy intimidating. Abusers enjoy making you miserable. Abusers enjoy making you feel like you're crazy. He's not going to stop.

Start severing things. Quietly. Don't argue with him further. Pretend things are fine while you plan your escape.

Talk to trusted friends and family about the abuse. Consult an attorney for your options in divorce. 

Please talk to a therapist for advice on abusive relationships and help extricating yourself.

[debs31]

Most of the time our relationship is fine and we get on very well.  The problems start when I try to raise a concern.  We do not argue well.    He is always with me really, except when we are both at work, so I dont believe he is having a physical affair.  I don't even know what he is saying to these women on text.  It could all be innocent.    

[ExpatInItaly]

53 minutes ago, debs31 said:

It could all be innocent.    

It isn't, or he wouldn't be working so hard to deflect. 

[JTSW]

55 minutes ago, debs31 said:

I don't even know what he is saying to these women on text.  It could all be innocent.    

He wouldn't hide it and get so defensive if it was innocent.

[debs31]

7 minutes ago, JTSW said:

He wouldn't hide it and get so defensive if it was innocent.

These are my thoughts too.  

[mark clemson]

9 hours ago, debs31 said:

  I told him im going out and might not be home when he gets in so he may need to see what he will eat.  To this he has gone mad asking where Im going.  I told him that we need some privacy in our lives (as he has told me many times) and dont need to tell each other everything.  

While one time may "make a point," it seems like you're headed towards a toxic dynamic with this, where you respond to (what you are experiencing as) his toxic behaviors with your own. IMO this is a waste of time in the sense that (if you repeat this sort of thing) you're just generating additional drama and things he can now point to and say "and what did YOU do" etc.

What is your goal here? It seems to me like you'd like to keep him AND for him to "behave himself". That is easier said than done. I'm not going to advise you to divorce, but I think it's just stating a fact to say that you might need to draw a line and have him face some stark choices. I.e. either this stops or you lose me. Not everyone wants to stay loyal but some will with consequences on the line. However, IF you were to lay down an ultimatum like this, it seems that unfortunately you'd have to be serious about it and execute IF he disregards this.

A person in a relationship can lay down whatever "boundaries" they like. However, not every partner will find those boundaries acceptable. IF, in his mind, he is doing nothing wrong by talking with these women (so long as nothing physical is occurring) it may be that you and he are incompatible on this parameter. Since you're clearly experiencing what he is doing as infidelity or at least a prelude to it, it is clearly a big deal to you, and so not IMO something he should be taking lightly.

We only ever hear on side of the story around here, but based on what you've written it does seem like his "interest" in these other women is significant, and so unfortunately doesn't seem like something you can just "not worry about."

Edited March 13, 2023 by mark clemson