My husband M 47 of 5 years is texting attractive female coworkers and long term exes.

[JTSW]

55 minutes ago, debs31 said:

I don't even know what he is saying to these women on text.  It could all be innocent.    

He wouldn't hide it and get so defensive if it was innocent.

[debs31]

7 minutes ago, JTSW said:

He wouldn't hide it and get so defensive if it was innocent.

These are my thoughts too.  

[S2B]

4 hours ago, debs31 said:

Most of the time our relationship is fine and we get on very well.  The problems start when I try to raise a concern.  We do not argue well.    He is always with me really, except when we are both at work, so I dont believe he is having a physical affair.  I don't even know what he is saying to these women on text.  It could all be innocent.    

It doesn’t even matter at this point what he’s saying to them.

you can’t trust him and he doesn’t respect you. His behaviors are abusive.

please - get out of this toxic relationship while you can.

[mark clemson]

9 hours ago, debs31 said:

  I told him im going out and might not be home when he gets in so he may need to see what he will eat.  To this he has gone mad asking where Im going.  I told him that we need some privacy in our lives (as he has told me many times) and dont need to tell each other everything.  

While one time may "make a point," it seems like you're headed towards a toxic dynamic with this, where you respond to (what you are experiencing as) his toxic behaviors with your own. IMO this is a waste of time in the sense that (if you repeat this sort of thing) you're just generating additional drama and things he can now point to and say "and what did YOU do" etc.

What is your goal here? It seems to me like you'd like to keep him AND for him to "behave himself". That is easier said than done. I'm not going to advise you to divorce, but I think it's just stating a fact to say that you might need to draw a line and have him face some stark choices. I.e. either this stops or you lose me. Not everyone wants to stay loyal but some will with consequences on the line. However, IF you were to lay down an ultimatum like this, it seems that unfortunately you'd have to be serious about it and execute IF he disregards this.

A person in a relationship can lay down whatever "boundaries" they like. However, not every partner will find those boundaries acceptable. IF, in his mind, he is doing nothing wrong by talking with these women (so long as nothing physical is occurring) it may be that you and he are incompatible on this parameter. Since you're clearly experiencing what he is doing as infidelity or at least a prelude to it, it is clearly a big deal to you, and so not IMO something he should be taking lightly.

We only ever hear on side of the story around here, but based on what you've written it does seem like his "interest" in these other women is significant, and so unfortunately doesn't seem like something you can just "not worry about."

Edited March 13, 2023 by mark clemson

[NuevoYorko]

9 hours ago, debs31 said:

 I told him im going out and might not be home when he gets in so he may need to see what he will eat.  To this he has gone mad asking where Im going.  I told him that we need some privacy in our lives (as he has told me many times) and dont need to tell each other everything.  

This is fine as long as you're coming from an honest place.  That means that BOTH of you (this means YOU) are going to agree to mind your own business with regards to who is texting who and what they are texting,  you are BOTH free to come and go as you please with no explanations.  

In essence, an open marriage.

Of course, you are not coming from that kind of place.  You're trying to "teach him a lesson" in a passive-aggressive way, which is just going to add more negativity and  abusive behavior.  

What you really need to do is figure out what you WANT in this marriage and whether there is any hope for you and your husband to get there.  

Edited March 13, 2023 by NuevoYorko

[stillafool]

9 hours ago, debs31 said:

I told him im going out and might not be home when he gets in so he may need to see what he will eat.  To this he has gone mad asking where Im going.  I told him that we need some privacy in our lives (as he has told me many times) and dont need to tell each other everything

Be careful that you aren't playing directly into his hands with this decision.  Will you be okay when he goes out and tells you the same?  If he is talking to other women you have just opened the door for him to go out with them.

[S2B]

I wouldn’t play games at this point.

i would just be completely done with him.

[melissaharper]

18 hours ago, debs31 said:

With regards to other signs of abuse.  When he is angry with me he will stand over me and shout and point his finger quite close in my face.  He is is a lot taller than me.  I have asked him not to to this as I am not a small child, but he still continues.  

it seems that he does not respect you at all. You have asked him to stop with physical harassment and still continues. Plus the messaging? I would not be surprised to hear that he has disrespected you in public as well. 

I have not heard anything positive about him so I don't know what you see in him.

[Wiseman2]

18 hours ago, debs31 said:

  The problems start when I try to raise a concern.  We do not argue well.  

It sounds like if you toe the line and swallow the abuse and disrespect, "he's  fine and we get on very well"?

Please consult a therapist privately and confidentiality so you can unpack and sort out what's really going on with the support and guidance of a professional.

Allow an objective professional assessment to help you decide how to manage and proceed. Do not tell your husband you're consulting anyone. Be neutral and unprovocative. 

Edited March 14, 2023 by Wiseman2

[S2B]

I get the feeling you’ll stay no matter what the cost. 

[debs31]

I really don't know what to do.  I have found out from him that he is messaging her daily and all throughout the day, which he feels is totally acceptible.  I have told him I am not competing with anybody for his attention. I told him that even if there is nothing going on at the moment there will be in a month or so because if you talk to someone that often feelings will happen.  I told him that supposedly he should know that if you are married certain boundaries should be respected.  

[JTSW]

8 minutes ago, debs31 said:

I have found out from him that he is messaging her daily and all throughout the day, which he feels is totally acceptible. 

All day every day?

Jesus that is ALOT.

That is not just friendship.

He is having an emotional affair (but I'm certain it will or already has become physical).

You know what you have to do. 

 

[debs31]

He also restricted me from viewing his whatsapp account which is where he speaks to her.  This means I could never know if he's online or not.  He told me this morning that yesterday he tried not to speak to her so much and she complained that he isnt talking to her. To me this shows that he must talk to her a hell of a lot, otherwise she wouldn't make this comment.

[JTSW]

10 minutes ago, debs31 said:

He also restricted me from viewing his whatsapp account which is where he speaks to her.  This means I could never know if he's online or not.  He told me this morning that yesterday he tried not to speak to her so much and she complained that he isnt talking to her. To me this shows that he must talk to her a hell of a lot, otherwise she wouldn't make this comment.

It gets worse.

He blocked his own wife on WhatsApp so you can't see him online.

Maybe you should speak to this woman.

Do you know who she is? Any way of contacting her.

You're getting absolutely nothing from him so try talking to her.

[debs31]

6 minutes ago, JTSW said:

It gets worse.

He blocked his own wife on WhatsApp so you can't see him online.

Maybe you should speak to this woman.

Do you know who she is? Any way of contacting her.

You're getting absolutely nothing from him so try talking to her.

I wouldn't get anything from her.  My husband told me when he started at the company that she has had affairs with people within the company, this was when she was in a relationship.  She has recently become single aswell.  

[JTSW]

1 minute ago, debs31 said:

I wouldn't get anything from her.  My husband told me when he started at the company that she has had affairs with people within the company, this was when she was in a relationship.  She has recently become single aswell.  

She is having an affair with your husband 100%.

[debs31]

On Sunday my husband came clean and told me that the female colleague has feelings for him and is asking him things such as do you like my legs? and worse which he refuses to tell me.  He told me that he had to admit yes he likes them.  I was so angry about this because I know that until last week he was enjoying every minute texting this woman.  Now he has involved his mother and told her that im being unreasonable because this woman is pursuing him and hes trying to manage the situation.  I asked how does he intend to manage the situation and he told me that he has said to her that they can only be friends but can still text every day.  I said that I don't think this is acceptable and i dont wish to. be in this situation and his mother actually sided with him saying that poor man is trying to manage the situation as best he can without losing his job. I literally cant believe what I am hearing.  Today Im going to move to the spare bedroom.

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, debs31 said:

 his mother actually sided with him saying that poor man is trying to manage the situation as best he can without losing his job. 

He would like you to accept his affair with no hassle.  To stay married and have you around while he pursues this woman seems to be what he's angling for.

  Please contact an attorney for your options in the event of divorce. While you can't demand he leave the marital home, you can ask him to stay with his mother for a while. This way you can reflect in peace and get your ducks in a row.

 

[debs31]

We dont live in the same country as his mother.  He actually got her agreeing that its acceptible that he will message her 30-40 times per day because shes her friend.  

[debs31]

12 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

He would like you to accept his affair with no hassle.  To stay married and have you around while he pursues this woman seems to be what he's angling for.

I feel the same.  I have told him that while it is his decision if he wants to speak to her as a friend it is my decision to remove myself from this relationship.

[ExpatInItaly]

I think you need to speak to a lawyer, OP. Your husband has checked out of your marriage and is already shopping for your replacement. 

This is over. Start getting your ducks in a row to disentangle yourself from him. Ignore his mother, too. Her opinion is irrelevant. 

[Measure]

Hmm, how do I put this without upsetting you or causing problems in your relationship?  I’ll just relay my experience…

Most of my life I had multiple long term relationships going on at the same time.  I also always had at least half a dozen extremely close female “friends”.  I slept with every one of my female “friends” as well.  At that time I would never let my wife get near my phone.

When I met my current partner 12 years ago I lost all desire to be with anybody else.  With her, not only is she welcome to look at my phones, emails, or whatever else she wants to see but I ask her all the time to answer my phone and reply to texts so I don’t have to, especially to my female friends.  It’s quite liberating to have nothing to hide.

I’m sure you understand what I am saying.

[smackie9]

On 3/13/2023 at 3:37 AM, debs31 said:

Because he has literally made me believe that im the one with a problem til now.  Today I have decided to take a stand.  I am going to treat him with the same respect he gives me.  I told him im going out and might not be home when he gets in so he may need to see what he will eat.  To this he has gone mad asking where Im going.  I told him that we need some privacy in our lives (as he has told me many times) and dont need to tell each other everything.  

That's called gaslighting. read this article. Sounds like he's doing all 4 of these https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/

Edited March 22, 2023 by smackie9

[CheaperThanTherapy]

I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this. Whether or not he has engaged physically in an extramarital affair — I wonder if emotionally it’s all the same at this point. I’m going through some stuff myself. And sometimes I think — regardless of how we argue about how we got here — the bottom line is the intimacy between us two has ended now and doesn’t seem like it can be revived.