Is this normal?

[mia1988]

I met a south asian man online and started dating. He is 32 and I am 44. I have children. He knows about it from the start and does not mind it. After about a couple of months of dating, some situation necessitated him to move back to his parent's house. Around this time, his texts became infrequent but he was still contacting me almost every day. He did apologize to me his mom is being nosy about his personal life and cannot call me or talk to me much when he is at home. We still managed to meet occasionally. When we meet, he is sweet and talks about future plans with me. One day, he told me his mom is trying to make him marry a girl she chose for him. He resents it and tells me he wants to move out to be free from her. He has no intention to marry someone he does not love. But he needs some time to sort out this problem. He is sincerely apologizing and seems a bit depressed. His future schedule and plans are now controlled by his parents. He asked me to give him some time and space to focus on dealing with the family issue. I told him ok, but now I am second-guessing everything while waiting for him to "deal with the family issue". 

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If anyone is familiar with the culture, can you give me advice if I should/should not wait for him? I don't have friends from this cultural background.

Edited March 14, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Group berating

[NuevoYorko]

Wait for him for what purpose?  Are you expecting marriage?  

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, mia1988 said:

His future schedule and plans are now controlled by his parents.

That’s all you need to know. It’s unlikely that they would chose for their son to marry an older woman with children. 

I’m sorry, but I would be preparing myself for the fact that this relationship is ending… I just don’t see it working out the way you may have planned…

[mia1988]

45 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

That’s all you need to know. It’s unlikely that they would chose for their son to marry an older woman with children. 

I’m sorry, but I would be preparing myself for the fact that this relationship is ending… I just don’t see it working out the way you may have planned…

The question is, he is an independent adult man of 32 yo. Why do the parents make life decisions for him? I am puzzled.

[mia1988]

2 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

Wait for him for what purpose?  Are you expecting marriage?  

If things work out, it is a possibility. We both agreed that the purpose of dating is to find a future spouse.

[BaileyB]

53 minutes ago, mia1988 said:

Why do the parents make life decisions for him? I am puzzled.

Clearly he is not an independent adult man of 32 years old. The fact that he has moved home which tells you all you need to know about his obligation to his family and the future of your relationship. 

I can imagine if his parents are pressuring him to marry, they are likely expecting that he will have (grand)children. I have a friend who was living with a man who was from India. She travelled to India to meet his family. They were planning to marry… He moved to India because there were better opportunities for work and she was planning to move to be with him. She never heard from him again… she learned that his parents had arranged a marriage for him, he is now married and they are having a child. He couldn’t bring himself to tell her that he had decided to marry another woman. She was devastated. 

I wouldn’t underestimate the influence of family and culture. 

Edited March 14, 2023 by BaileyB

[mia1988]

3 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

An independent adult man of 32 years old would not move home because his parents told him to move home. Clearly, he has moved home which tells you all you need to know about his obligation to his family and the future of your relationship. 

I can imagine if his parents are pressuring him to marry, they are likely expecting that he will have (grand)children. I have a friend who was living with a man who was from India. She travelled to India to meet his family. They were planning to marry… He moved to India because there were better opportunities for work and she never heard from him again… she learned that his parents had arranged a marriage for him, he is now married and they are having a child. She was devastated. 

He moved because of an inevitable situation and planning to move out soon. 

But you are right, they probably want him to have children. But what about him? He knows I don't want children and still decided to start a relationship. He sounded like planning a long-term relationship with me until his parents interrupted.

This culture is a mystery to me😵

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, mia1988 said:

 he told me his mom is trying to make him marry a girl she chose for him. He resents it and tells me he wants to move out to be free 

Are you afraid he's just sowing wild oats until his arranged marriage takes place? Or that he'll be married back home yet keep you around if he returns?

He doesn't seem that sincere with you and may probably follow his cultural traditions. Add to this that you are separated by distance at this time and there's no definitive plans with you except "wait".

Reflect if all the complications and secrecy he's presenting are worth your time and effort especially with a nebulous future.

Edited March 14, 2023 by Wiseman2

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, mia1988 said:

His future schedule and plans are now controlled by his parents

There is nothing you can do about this. 

It's hard but if he isn't willing to buck the trend and go against his parents' wishes, then you will need to accept that this is not the man for you. It doesn't sound like it's going to work in the long run. 

5 hours ago, mia1988 said:

if I should/should not wait for him?

Definitely not. It won't be worth it in the end. 

[JTSW]

11 hours ago, mia1988 said:

His future schedule and plans are now controlled by his parents.

I certainly wouldn't wait around for him knowing this.

I'm assuming he has a say in his own future but it looks like he is letting them take control.

7 hours ago, mia1988 said:

they probably want him to have children.

Does he want children?

I'm sorry OP but I really can't see a future here.

 

[BaileyB]

11 hours ago, mia1988 said:

He knows I don't want children and still decided to start a relationship.

People start relationships all the time and change their minds about all kinds of things - work is too demanding/I don’t have time for a relationship after all, the distance is too far, turns out I’m not over my ex, I hadn’t really thought about it, but I’ve decided that I don’t actually want to get married… Other people get married with the agreement that they will not have children and then, as the years pass one partner decides that they do actually want to have a child -

Life and people change, anyone in a relationship has the ability to make a different decision for themselves at any time. Just because he started a relationship with you doesn’t mean that with time, he hasn’t decided that it’s not what he wants anymore… 

 

Edited March 14, 2023 by BaileyB

[stillafool]

I had a friend who dated a dentist with several practices from India and fell head over heels in love with him.  She was 5 years younger and he put her through college and she really thought after 4 years together he was going to break tradition and marry her.  He didn't.  He ended up marrying a much younger girl from his home country and brought her here to America.  It's doubtful at 44 and not from his country that he is going to break his mother's heart and be with you.  It's his duty to have children and marry within his culture.

[BaileyB]

27 minutes ago, stillafool said:

It's doubtful at 44 and not from his country that he is going to break his mother's heart and be with you.  It's his duty to have children and marry within his culture.

He’s only 32, and I agree - prime age to get married and have children. There is a significant age difference here that likely makes children impossible, even if they were to marry and they wanted to have a child together.

Edited March 14, 2023 by BaileyB

[Alpacalia]

You're in a tough spot.

Parents play an important role in major life decisions in South Asian cultures. Social status, education, and background often influence the choice of partners for children. Families are unique though, and South Asian families are no exception.

Perhaps his situation is more personal than cultural?

There is a 10 year age difference between Nick Jonas and Priyanka Chopra (she is older). Priyanka identifies as Hindu, while Nick was raised as a Christian. Religion has not been a barrier to their relationship. The couple respects each other's beliefs and blends Hindu and Christian traditions.

What is his plan for resolving his family issue? How are you feeling and what would you like to see from him? There may be potential for a long-term relationship if he is honest and sincere about his plans for the future. Give him time and space to sort out his family issues if necessary. In the end, it comes down to what feels right for you and how comfortable you are.

Self-respect is an awesome thing to have. There are, however, some situations that are hard to navigate and require time and effort to escape. Waiting for somebody who cares for you is one thing, but waiting for someone who doesn't seem to care is quite another.

Keep in mind, too, that holding off allows you to clear your mind and decide whether or not you like him yourself. A moment of passion could just be a passing phase that you will quickly forget once it passes.

[Wiseman2]

17 hours ago, mia1988 said:

 I should/should not wait for him? I don't have friends from this cultural background.

It doesn't seem like it's about "normal" or not. It's really about his cultural traditions and what the usual and customary  in his context. In a general sense this may fall under the "incompatibility" heading.

[mia1988]

44 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

You're in a tough spot.

Parents play an important role in major life decisions in South Asian cultures. Social status, education, and background often influence the choice of partners for children. Families are unique though, and South Asian families are no exception.

Perhaps his situation is more personal than cultural?

There is a 10 year age difference between Nick Jonas and Priyanka Chopra (she is older). Priyanka identifies as Hindu, while Nick was raised as a Christian. Religion has not been a barrier to their relationship. The couple respects each other's beliefs and blends Hindu and Christian traditions.

What is his plan for resolving his family issue? How are you feeling and what would you like to see from him? There may be potential for a long-term relationship if he is honest and sincere about his plans for the future. Give him time and space to sort out his family issues if necessary. In the end, it comes down to what feels right for you and how comfortable you are.

Self-respect is an awesome thing to have. There are, however, some situations that are hard to navigate and require time and effort to escape. Waiting for somebody who cares for you is one thing, but waiting for someone who doesn't seem to care is quite another.

Keep in mind, too, that holding off allows you to clear your mind and decide whether or not you like him yourself. A moment of passion could just be a passing phase that you will quickly forget once it passes.

This is very helpful advice! Thank you so much.

He keeps telling me that he just needs time to sort things out and will see me again once it settles. But also tells me everything is uncertain for him at this time.

I will shift my focus to myself for now and if things don't work out, that's life...

Thanks again.

[Calmandfocused]

Let’s talk about you first Op. 

I’m interested to know why a mature,  44 year old, independent woman (and mother) would be interested in a 32 year old man who is living with his mummy? 

Don’t you think you’re in different stages of life? Just a smidgen? How can you not see that? 
 

The chances of you being able to have any more children now is slim even if you wanted more. 
 

In any event this man is not a suitable prospect for you or your children. My sense is that he’s having some fun with you and is not taking this seriously. How can he? You’re fundamentally incompatible. 
 

Do you enjoy being a secret lover op? Because thats fundamentally what you are. The chances of his family accepting you are very slim. It’s a cruel, harsh reality but unfortunately it’s true. 
 

His family will expect him to continue the family line and he can’t do that in a relationship with you. 
 

Abort mission is my advice. 

[introverted1]

3 hours ago, stillafool said:

It's his duty to have children and marry within his culture.

Not to mention that he might actually want to have children and has figured out that a much-older wife might not be fun in the long run.

[Els]

Childfree and generally rebellious Asian here.

Asian cultures are generally big on filial piety (i.e. what you can do for your parents, not the other way around). I'm not South Asian specifically, but from everything I've heard from friends in that culture, it's fairly similar to mine.

Not everyone adheres to cultural traditions. I wouldn't necessarily say that you should expect that he will just because of his ethnicity. However, you SHOULD look at his current behaviour, as it is a good indicator of future behaviour. What does his current behaviour tell you? To me, it says that he's not independent from his parents or from cultural expectations, and probably never will be.

So, all in all, I think you may want to pass on this one.

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, mia1988 said:

He keeps telling me that he just needs time to sort things out and will see me again once it settles. But also tells me everything is uncertain for him at this time.

Sometimes indecision, is a decision, if you understand what I’m saying. He’s made the decision to move home, and he’s telling you everything is uncertain for him…

be careful about how long you wait, there are a lot of women “waiting” on this board for their chosen partners (MM) to “sort things out with their family.” It is proof possible that one can waste a lot of time on a man who is indecisive and offers false promises…

2 hours ago, mia1988 said:

I will shift my focus to myself for now and if things don't work out, that's life...

This is really all you can do right now. The answer will be revealed to you in time - just don’t wait indefinitely and be prepared, the influence of family is difficult for many…

[NuevoYorko]

1 hour ago, Els said:

However, you SHOULD look at his current behaviour, as it is a good indicator of future behaviour. What does his current behaviour tell you? To me, it says that he's not independent from his parents or from cultural expectations, and probably never will be.

So, all in all, I think you may want to pass on this one.

I agree with this - in my experience, people from a culture with very strong expectations regarding marriage and family will be showing their intention to break from this, if that is what they want, well before getting seriously involved in a relationship with an "outside" person.  In context, the guy would NOT be in this situation:

Quote

His future schedule and plans are now controlled by his parents.

if he had strong intentions to go his own way.  

I have very close friends who are Indian.  She is an engineer, he is an MD.  They are completely assimilated to Western culture, on a superficial level.  They hang out with our friend group, hosted a Superbowl party,  live in a neighborhood that is not Indian, their kids go to public school (I don't know if they practice any religion).  But, it was an arranged marriage  (a very successful one that both of them were fully on board with) and their highest priorities involve the needs of their aging parents.  

[Gaeta]

I'm sorry OP, it is over, he's just not brave enough to tell you out right. He's doing a slow fade for all the reasons people have listed here.

[Lotsgoingon]

Forget culture. The bottom line is this guy lives at home and doesn't seem available and if he were, he'd have to fight through his parents' opposition.

No reason to keep going.  Asking whether behavior is normal is getting lost. You don't care whether it's "normal" or not. It's not what you want--that's the only important matter.  So move on. You'll only get hurt by hanging around. 

 

 

Edited March 15, 2023 by Lotsgoingon

[smackie9]

I wouldn't wait. He knows he has to follow his family's wishes or he will lose his family...he will be shunned. I'm very familiar with the culture, I live in Surrey BC, where there is a huge south Asian population. Some of my friends had arranged marriages and some, the parents let them have a choice. BUT family is a big deal..it's everything. Traditionally the parents move in to take care of the grand kids. You two are so far out from each other. All you really have is feelings for each other. There is more to it than that, like acceptance, and being able to join the family for celebrations, etc is crucial. He knows his parents would object firmly. That's why he's just talkin, and no action has taken place. He will lose his family and that's a tough pill to swallow over a new relationship. 

Edited March 16, 2023 by smackie9

[spiderowl]

What people do when away from family, country and culture can be totally different from what they do when enmeshed in it. The fact that he is asking you to wait suggests to me that he is not ready to tell his parents of his plans (if there are any) with you. What is he waiting for? It does not make sense to wait. He is stalling which suggests to me he is conflicted or has decided at the back of his mind which way he wants to go but daren’t tell you.

Having dated a guy from India in the past, I would not wait. The cultural pressures are great. If he wanted to make a future with you, he could decide now.