Our 4 year relationship is over, both devastated and hoping I've done the right thing

[GirlyE]

Me and my bf were together for 4 years until almost a week ago. We met through work and we both still work for the same company, in different departments albeit. We also lived in a house owned by his parents which we rented off them (I’m still here and he’s back living with his parents at the minute, I have no family near me and nowhere else to go at short notice). We were very happy and solid and never foreseen this coming. Last Monday, just over a week ago, he sat down and told me that he kissed another girl the previous weekend while drunk on a night out. To make matters worse, the girl he went with also works in the same place as us! He was instantly apologetic and said it was a stupid drunken mistake and that he would do anything to put it right and for us to work. The shock was so much that I told him to leave that night to give me time to think, I sat on it for two days and told him on Wednesday evening that it was over and that I couldn’t get passed it. I feel so vulnerable because of the situation I’m in but I felt it was the right thing to do because he has hurt me so much and I just don’t know how I would overcome it with the worry of it happening again. However, it’s impossible to just fall out of love with someone overnight, I miss him and his family because we were all so close but I felt that this was the best decision for me. I think I definitely based my decision on head over heart and to protect myself. I can really tell that he is fighting for me, he has done everything to put it right but in my head unless it can be undone how could I possibly chance this again. Opinions please? I can’t believe he has put us in this position, he isn’t and has never been a flirtatious person and it was never ever a worry I had with him, he has really shocked me and a lot of people and probably even himself. 

Edited March 14, 2023 by GirlyE
Spelling mistakes

[stillafool]

17 minutes ago, GirlyE said:

I can’t believe he has put us in this position, he isn’t and has never been a flirtatious person and it was never ever a worry I had with him, he has really shocked me and a lot of people and probably even himself. 

If this isn't like him to do this what was it about this girl that made him want to kiss her and her him?

[GirlyE]

Just now, stillafool said:

If this isn't like him to do this what was it about this girl that made him want to kiss her and her him?

He hasn’t been able to answer that, he said they were both drunk and it just happened. He can’t any reasoning other than it was a drunken stupid mistake. She knows both of us so knows we are in a relationship so I guess it’s a bit of double hurt here. They haven’t been speaking and he isn’t looking to pursue anything there 

[FMW]

I think I would want to delve into the how and why more, even though he's saying he can't explain it.  Was it just a quick kiss or a make-out session or something in between?  What was done or said between them before and after?

4 solid years ending because of a kiss is something to consider carefully.  Were those years really solid or were you overlooking or glossing over anything?

2 hours ago, GirlyE said:

he has done everything to put it right but in my head 

If he can't explain why it happened, what is he doing to "put it right" in your head?

The bottom line is if you aren't able to move past it and trust him, there isn't much hope of truly reconciling.

[Lotsgoingon]

I'm not sure I'd end things immediately based on a kiss. Sex probably yes. But a kiss, not sure.

What I would do is investigate what happened to identify if there are indeed cracks in the relationship that I'm not aware of. Is he secretly unhappy with some aspect of the relationship?  Does this guy had bad boundaries, have a hard time saying no to people.

His kiss doesn't necessarily mean there was some big crack in the relationship that you were unaware of. To confuse you more: I don't like his "I can't explain it" explanation. He can explain it. He doesn't want to explain it. But I am not sure I'd press him on that. Does this guy have bad boundaries, as in he is good with quickly saying "no" to people? Sometimes people's restraints just break down, especially when drinking. Some people can flirt with work people and still draw a strong line. 

Are you sure there was no sex involved?

You write as if the expectation is that you SHOULD break up with him. I'm not sure that's everyone's expectation. Not mine.

I can see you getting enraged and staying enraged for a while. But I don't accept your assumption that ending things with him is something you HAVE to do, that any reasonable person would do.  I think you have are a range of reasonable choices. 

One question I have: after four years, why aren't you guys married? I ask that not to say you should be married by now but to challenge you to look clearly at the relationship. Was there some struggle you guys have had that has gotten in the way of marrying? Context matters here. The quality of the relationship before the kiss matters. Your own confidence in being able to judge his goodness matters. 

Of course the biggest question is: can you trust him again? 

 

 

 

 

 

[NuevoYorko]

It's very meaningful that he told you.

Unbelievably, this happened between my parents (back in Medieval times).   He kissed a woman who was leading a backpacking trip he and some friends took, (drunk), and he confessed.  It was quite a scene but Mom forgave him and they had a happy marriage  that lasted until the end.

[ExpatInItaly]

You're going to get a range of responses here, OP. 

We can't decide for you if a kiss is a deal-breaker. It's commendable that he told you, but it would also be understandable if you are too hurt to forgive him.  I too would be wondering if there's more than he is not sharing, such as how it came about that they just happened to kiss each other. Obviously there was some lead-up to that. He is omitting certain things and until he is prepared to be more honest, this will never come back together. 

And it's okay if it doesn't. You aren't obligated to give him another chance. Up to you. 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, GirlyE said:

. We also lived in a house owned by his parents which we rented off them I’m still here and he’s back living with his parents at the minute, I have no family near me and nowhere else to go at short notice.

Sorry this happened. It's understandable that you're hurt and don't want to give him a free pass for a supposedly  "drunken mistake".

However you're in a difficult position as to renting his parents house. Technically you can't throw him out of his own home, particularly if his parents are the landlords. 

If you are sure it's over, you'll need to find other living arrangements. 

[GirlyE]

6 hours ago, FMW said:

I think I would want to delve into the how and why more, even though he's saying he can't explain it.  Was it just a quick kiss or a make-out session or something in between?  What was done or said between them before and after?

4 solid years ending because of a kiss is something to consider carefully.  Were those years really solid or were you overlooking or glossing over anything?

If he can't explain why it happened, what is he doing to "put it right" in your head?

The bottom line is if you aren't able to move past it and trust him, there isn't much hope of truly reconciling.

This is the part that has frustrated me so much and probably assisted in helping make my decision, that fact that no explanation can be given. He said they were having a general conversation and they were standing at the bar and it just happened, he then said he left straight away and came home. He did keep it from me for a full week before telling me.

To give it further, another work colleague was there and seen it happen too, who I have spoken to. However, he is very friendly with the other girl and wouldn’t be renowned for being trustworthy or telling the truth. I’ve tried to switch off from his comments based on that but they have definitely stuck with me. He said that he had trying to get into her a length of time, and when this guy went over to both of them and gave out to them about what they had just done (bf also confirmed this happened), he said that he had shrugged his shoulders and had a poor attitude, but my bf has totally denied this. It’s made it extra difficult because I don’t know what to believe at this stage

He has told me that he would stop drinking and that he would be willing to do anything to put our relationship right. But at the minute I haven’t been able to envision anything beyond what’s actually happened 

[GirlyE]

5 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

I'm not sure I'd end things immediately based on a kiss. Sex probably yes. But a kiss, not sure.

What I would do is investigate what happened to identify if there are indeed cracks in the relationship that I'm not aware of. Is he secretly unhappy with some aspect of the relationship?  Does this guy had bad boundaries, have a hard time saying no to people.

His kiss doesn't necessarily mean there was some big crack in the relationship that you were unaware of. To confuse you more: I don't like his "I can't explain it" explanation. He can explain it. He doesn't want to explain it. But I am not sure I'd press him on that. Does this guy have bad boundaries, as in he is good with quickly saying "no" to people? Sometimes people's restraints just break down, especially when drinking. Some people can flirt with work people and still draw a strong line. 

Are you sure there was no sex involved?

You write as if the expectation is that you SHOULD break up with him. I'm not sure that's everyone's expectation. Not mine.

I can see you getting enraged and staying enraged for a while. But I don't accept your assumption that ending things with him is something you HAVE to do, that any reasonable person would do.  I think you have are a range of reasonable choices. 

One question I have: after four years, why aren't you guys married? I ask that not to say you should be married by now but to challenge you to look clearly at the relationship. Was there some struggle you guys have had that has gotten in the way of marrying? Context matters here. The quality of the relationship before the kiss matters. Your own confidence in being able to judge his goodness matters. 

Of course the biggest question is: can you trust him again? 

 

 

 

 

 

To be honest, I’d usually agree with that and say a kiss is not the end of the world. But I think because I can’t settle with the full context around it and the not knowing on how it lead up, what they talked about etc had ultimately helped me decide. I think I was giving him false hope by thinking about it, as he got a total shock when I did tell him it was over after those 2 nights. 
 

During the time apart, I told him to also think about what he really wanted and asked if there was anything he wasn’t happy about and he just said that he only wanted to be with me and that our relationship meant so much to him. Which blows my mind, I would nearly rather him say there was something so I’d know what we’re dealing with? It’s so confusing 

He’s usually quite a shy person in general until the drink is involved but is strong minded also and can say no to people in general. They definitely didn’t have sex he said and I do believe that. We have talked about marriage and both want to, it’s just something we wanted to wait a few more years for as we have travel plans and wanted to do that first before coming back home to settle down. I’m just not sure if I can bring myself to trust him and I feel like because I can’t get a better explanation it has played a factor in that

[GirlyE]

3 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

It's very meaningful that he told you.

Unbelievably, this happened between my parents (back in Medieval times).   He kissed a woman who was leading a backpacking trip he and some friends took, (drunk), and he confessed.  It was quite a scene but Mom forgave him and they had a happy marriage  that lasted until the end.

Thank you, this is really nice and certainly gives me hope and I know that so many people do come back from this. I admire their strength and wish I could find it in me, I think I just need to find out more about why 

[GirlyE]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You're going to get a range of responses here, OP. 

We can't decide for you if a kiss is a deal-breaker. It's commendable that he told you, but it would also be understandable if you are too hurt to forgive him.  I too would be wondering if there's more than he is not sharing, such as how it came about that they just happened to kiss each other. Obviously there was some lead-up to that. He is omitting certain things and until he is prepared to be more honest, this will never come back together. 

And it's okay if it doesn't. You aren't obligated to give him another chance. Up to you. 

Totally agree with this, I mentioned some of this in one of my other replies, the not knowing the lead up and not being able to get a reason and description on why other than the “drunken mistake” has played on my mind so much making it so difficult to see a way through 

[GirlyE]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. It's understandable that you're hurt and don't want to give him a free pass for a supposedly  "drunken mistake".

However you're in a difficult position as to renting his parents house. Technically you can't throw him out of his own home, particularly if his parents are the landlords. 

If you are sure it's over, you'll need to find other living arrangements. 

Thank you,  I’m currently in the process of doing that yes and have no intention of staying here and I think that would be my decision regardless of what I decide to do with our relationship as the house definitely adds a pressure. His family are also devastated about what happened and told me I was not in any rush to leave and to take my time, finding somewhere and moving out in this city can take about a month to 6 weeks so hoping I can make this happen 

[Ray_xx]

You have done the right thing ending it. People are saying to you they wouldn't end it over a kiss however a kiss is worse. I would rather someone of 4 years had slept with someone as that would be a drunken mistake but if he risks his relationship for a god dam kiss, come on? does he have any respect for you at all and are you sure he is being honest and only giving you a quarter of the story cause guys don't just go out and kiss someone unless they are 13? are you sure he isn't telling you some of it to take the guilt away and then fight to start a fresh and move on with the focus that he's kind of told you? I do not trust him! 4 years is a long time and I am so sorry you are going through this. Heart brake is tough yes, but timing is a healer and timing will put you in a better place in the future and lead you to meet a man that won't cheat on his girlfriend of 4 years with ''just a kiss'' - The ones who aren't flirtatious and are quiet are actually the worst! tell him to do one hun and focus on you. Trust me - I don't know the situation but I know my gut reading your post and he is lying.

Edited March 15, 2023 by Ray_xx

[GirlyE]

10 minutes ago, Ray_xx said:

You have done the right thing ended it. People are saying to you they wouldn't end it over a kiss however a kiss is worse. I would rather someone of 4 years had slept with someone as that would be a drunken mistake but if he risks his relationship for a god dam kiss, come on? does he have any respect for you at all and are you sure he is being honest and only giving you a quarter of the story cause guys don't just go out and kiss someone unless they are 13? are you sure he isn't telling you some of it to take the guilt away and then fight to start a fresh and move on with the focus that he's kind of told you? I do not trust him! 4 years is a long time and I am so sorry you are going through this. Heart brake is tough yes, but timing is a healer and timing will put you in a better place in the future and lead you to meet a man that won't cheat on his girlfriend of 4 years with ''just a kiss'' - The ones who aren't flirtatious and are quiet are actually the worst! tell him to do one hun and focus on you. Trust me 

Thank you. I know, to be a kiss it’s such an intimate thing and I can’t comprehend that it would be a drunken mistake. I’ve been drunk many times myself and it would never cross my mind. 
 

You could be right, the not knowing how and why is making it impossible to see any other way other than what I’ve chosen, to me I deserve more but it’s hard not wish for what we had back 

[Ray_xx]

2 minutes ago, GirlyE said:

Thank you. I know, to be a kiss it’s such an intimate thing and I can’t comprehend that it would be a drunken mistake. I’ve been drunk many times myself and it would never cross my mind. 
 

You could be right, the not knowing how and why is making it impossible to see any other way other than what I’ve chosen, to me I deserve more but it’s hard not wish for what we had back 

Like I said, I am sorry you are going through this. I know the pain, I have experienced it and I am also seeing the same with my sister and her child's dad at the moment who has got another girl pregnant after 6 weeks of seeing her (I mean jeeeez, can you imagine?) there is always something worse going on in the world. It's such early days for you that you probably haven't even registered it yet nor the breakup! give your self time and see how you feel in 12 weeks but don't be fooled in weak moments to make a sudden choice to go back - his behavior is unacceptable! Let him lose a true love for a couple of kisses (I cringe for him) xx

[GirlyE]

1 minute ago, Ray_xx said:

Like I said, I am sorry you are going through this. I know the pain, I have experienced it and I am also seeing the same with my sister and her child's dad at the moment who has got another girl pregnant after 6 weeks of seeing her (I mean jeeeez, can you imagine?) there is always something worse going on in the world. It's such early days for you that you probably haven't even registered it yet nor the breakup! give your self time and see how you feel in 12 weeks but don't be fooled in weak moments to make a sudden choice to go back - his behavior is unacceptable! Let him lose a true love for a couple of kisses (I cringe for him) xx

Thank you, that is awful. There are always worse things totally agree. I just need time and recovery x

[JTSW]

I don't think I would would end a long term relationship over a kiss, but I would certainly question my trust.

Honestly, he seems very remorseful OP and it played on his mind for a week.

He clearly feels horrible about it.

Also, he was drunk, probably cant explain it because he cant remember much.

Everyone is different though when it comes to forgiving this kind of thing.

No-one can tell you if your decision is right or wrong, it's what you feel is the best for you.

I'd still sleep on it a bit more, take some time to yourself.

[Acacia98]

At the risk of sounding old-fashioned, I think going out and getting drunk in the company of a woman he knew well and was probably attracted to (even if they were part of a larger group) was asking for trouble. Alcohol reduces one's inhibitions. And then a whole lot of nonsense often follows.

Whether or not there's more to the picture than the alcohol in your guy's case, I have no idea. But I think it is normal for people in committed relationships to find other people attractive. And when people socialize with the people they're attracted to in situations where alcohol is flowing and their significant others are not present, they are at greater risk of crossing the line. That informs the kinds of choices "old-fashioned" folks such as myself make about who to socialize with, how, and when.

I know it's "just a kiss," but once the trust is broken it's hard to go back. The fact that this is a woman you both work with makes things even more complicated. So I totally understand where you're coming from.

Edited March 15, 2023 by Acacia98

[Alpacalia]

I have ended it over similar circumstances.

@ExpatInItalysaid it best.

You aren't obligated to give him another chance.  

It can be difficult to come to terms with the fact that someone you trusted to be there for you and protect you has hurt you. It can be hard to move on after a betrayal like that.

Assess the situation objectively: Was it just drunken fun or was he actively pursuing her? Was it just one kiss or extended making out? Then, assess your relationship: Are you and he in love? Do you both want a future together? How much have you invested in the relationship? How much has he? This is the best time to decide what you want for the relationship and for yourself, even if he didn't kiss someone else.

There is no one right answer - if it's a casual relationship, maybe you don't care who he kisses or if it ends. If it's serious, you may want to work it out or it may be a red flag.

Your brain can tell you the answers, but your heart and others cannot.

 

[Ray_xx]

Just now, Alpacalia said:

I have ended it over similar circumstances.

@ExpatInItalysaid it best.

You aren't obligated to give him another chance.  

It can be difficult to come to terms with the fact that someone you trusted to be there for you and protect you has hurt you. It can be hard to move on after a betrayal like that.

Assess the situation objectively: Was it just drunken fun or was he actively pursuing her? Was it just one kiss or extended making out? Then, assess your relationship: Are you and he in love? Do you both want a future together? How much have you invested in the relationship? How much has he? This is the best time to decide what you want for the relationship and for yourself, even if he didn't kiss someone else.

There is no one right answer - if it's a casual relationship, maybe you don't care who he kisses or if it ends. If it's serious, you may want to work it out or it may be a red flag.

Your brain can tell you the answers, but your heart and others cannot.

 

4 years sounds pretty serious? 

[GirlyE]

Thank you for all the comments. I had a further discussion with him this morning, not sure if I was trying gain further clarity, closure or what, cause it is such a confusing time. It was more or less the same conversation we had before but I asked a few direct questions this time. He said they were having a conversation at the bar about work, different roles that they had applied for etc and it was very generic. They were then having shots and they just kissed then, at the end of the night, there was nothing more to it and he left.

He offered to stop drinking because he doesn’t know when enough is enough and also offered to not go out unless I’m with him. But I’m such a realistic person and here’s how I look at it, I’m not going to control anyone’s life, and he would be totally miserable as would I if that’s the way our relationship had to continue, that’s not a life and it’s not realistic. But at the same time, if he can’t control his actions when he is drunk and makes “stupid mistakes” such as this, then I guess he cannot promise me it won’t happen again or that it wouldn’t be something more next time if it did. So I have decided to stand by my decision, and I believe if we are meant to be then we will find our way back and if we aren’t then this happened for a reason. I’m just running with my gut feeling and hope I don’t live to regret it. 

[GirlyE]

3 minutes ago, Ray_xx said:

4 years sounds pretty serious? 

It was very serious, our whole worlds revolved around eachother

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, GirlyE said:

To give it further, another work colleague was there and seen it happen too, who I have spoken to. However, he is very friendly with the other girl and wouldn’t be renowned for being trustworthy or telling the truth. I’ve tried to switch off from his comments based on that but they have definitely stuck with me. He said that he had trying to get into her a length of time, and when this guy went over to both of them and gave out to them about what they had just done (bf also confirmed this happened), he said that he had shrugged his shoulders and had a poor attitude, but my bf has totally denied this.

Could it be that the only reason your bf confessed to the kiss is because he knew you would more than likely find out anyway because others he worked with saw them?  TBH the fact that they were standing in public and in front of coworkers and still couldn't resist kissing each other would upset me more than if it had been done in a private moment.

Also I can see why Nuevo's mother gave his father a second chance after a kiss.  They were married with kids, that's a huge investment.  Lucky for you that you are footloose and fancy free.

[stju3006]

32 minutes ago, GirlyE said:

It was very serious, our whole worlds revolved around eachother

I think you should give him another chance. I know he made a mistake but this mistake is not the end of the world. I am sure alcohol played play a big factors in his stupid decision making about the kiss.