Our 4 year relationship is over, both devastated and hoping I've done the right thing

[Alpacalia]

He informed you of the other girl a week later, he sat you down in an effort to come clean, and as soon as you asked questions he caved.

Had he wished to deceive you and get away with it, it would have been simple. Then again, it might have eventually come out because all of you work together.

That said, you are not required to forgive him. Consider the pros and cons and decide what you think.

If you don't feel it was an unintentional mistake, you cannot be in a relationship where you are always concerned something like this could happen again, no matter how sorry he is and how much you still care for him.

You will never figure out completely, change is uncomfortable. It always is (except for rare cases), but you do it anyway.

If you need time to figure out if breaking up is the right thing to do, take it, but don't expect to ever be completely sure. Break ups are never easy, but if you know it's the right decision, do it, even if it causes discomfort.

[GirlyE]

Thanks again for the additional comments. Like part of me still wants him to fight for us even though I made this decision, so does that mean that I haven’t made the right decision or is it wishing me our old relationship back or is it me being open minded to us again?

The whole thing is hard to figure out and I have weighed up so many sides of this scenario. I still questions in my head that I don’t think can be answered, the unknown is always a worry for me with anything life. I’m such a detail orientated person and tend to be a perfectionist and have an empathetic personality but also fear that’s a let down I have and allows walking over to occur 

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, stju3006 said:

So, 4 years relationship goes down the toilet because of that kiss ?? This is his first infraction, give the man the a break, Ladies!

The four years spent together aren't erased by a kiss. No, he is not a bad person.

If you intend on ending the relationship after going through everything you have, it is not unfair to the relationship.

Don't forget that he made the decision for you. Like you had no choice in the matter.

If the relationship ends it's the action he took that ended the relationship.

You just said the words.

[Lotsgoingon]

I have changed my view here.

I don't think there is necessarily an explanation for the kiss. I think you can kiss someone by simply letting down your guard--at the wrong time. It's less an affirmative act and more a dropping of restraint--less a willful decision and more passive laziness. And it may not be a sign of a weak character or a desire to cheat (though I'm sure it could be if it's a pattern).

I came so close to kissing a woman friend, and I swear I had zero intent and nothing to drink. We usually with a hug. I open my arms and throw them around her, and she throws her arms around me. I lean forward with my face over her right shoulder, and her face goes over my right shoulder. I close my eyes for a second or two as we embrace. Only this time as I pulled closer to her and opened my eyes, instead of my face being over her shoulder, her face (or my face) was in the wrong place.  Our mouths were right up against each other, touching. I don't think we officially "kissed" but it was right there--and I felt an electric charge I had NEVER felt before with this person. 

When we sat down, I remember thinking, "what the heck happened there?" We were in a public place--I wasn't making a move on her. We had a platonic evening at a show and good time later talking. At the end I hesitated hugging her, but our faces were in the right places this time. I've seen her many times since then (we still greet and say goodbye with hugs) and nothing like that has happened again. 

I have two women acquaintances-buddies who greet me with a quick peck on the lips. It's beyond my comfort zone for a friend. But I don't turn my face.

To be honest, I'm not even sure I need a partner to tell me that they kissed someone if it was just one time and brief (and not a pattern). Now a full-on, make-out session, lying on a bed say, or going into a hidden corner somewhere and doing passionate, extended open-mouth kissing--that's another matter, that would be a problem. 

But obviously this is your call OP. 

Edited March 15, 2023 by Lotsgoingon

[GirlyE]

7 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

The four years spent together aren't erased by a kiss. No, he is not a bad person.

If you intend on ending the relationship after going through everything you have, it is not unfair to the relationship.

Don't forget that he made the decision for you. Like you had no choice in the matter.

If the relationship ends it's the action he took that ended the relationship.

You just said the words.

Thank you, I just really need to find it in myself to know for sure. In my mind I haven’t even explored or entertained the idea of giving it a go and maybe that’s something I need to think about to know for certain? I know I have made decisions, but I haven’t made them in my mind with certainty and I’m still very confused

[basil67]

Does he know how you're feeling?   If so, it would be unkind of you to stay with him.

[GirlyE]

25 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Does he know how you're feeling?   If so, it would be unkind of you to stay with him.

What do you mean sorry? I have already told him it’s over if that’s what you mean. I decided that a week ago but I’m still not sure and he still left it on the basis that he willing to anything to give it another shot 

[basil67]

Sorry, I thought you were still on the fence.   Anyway, it's done now and short of you undergoing therapy for your jealousy and insecurity, it would still be wrong of you to return to him

Edited March 15, 2023 by basil67

[GirlyE]

Just now, basil67 said:

Sorry, I thought you were still on the fence.   Anyway, it's done now and short of you undergoing therapy for your jealousy and insecurity, it would still be wrong of you to return to him

In my mind I’m still on the fence, I don’t even think I’ve reached the point of jealousy at all, just sadness, hurt and anger, but I’m sure it’s only the start of many different stages

[Lotsgoingon]

Me thinks your torment over this is a sign that he touched a deep nerve in you, and that nerve isn't only related to him. 

[GirlyE]

Just now, Lotsgoingon said:

Me thinks your torment over this is a sign that he touched a deep nerve in you, and that nerve isn't only related to him. 

As in an insecurity within myself?

[Lotsgoingon]

MI'm not sure if it's insecurity in the typical sense people mean.

What I'm thinking is that you seem to have a need for absolute certainty. Maybe black-white thinking--all good/all bad thinking. A kind of rigidity. Less accepting that people are imperfect, including your bf (or ex) and including you!

You're reaction is so so strong. It's like you're reacting the way I'd expect someone to react if their partner had killed ten people or had kidnapped and assaulted a number of women. It seems disproportionate and I think that's why it's tormenting you. Part of you knows this isn't sensible or necessary. And I think that's the question: is this really necessary? 

Another question: have you gone back really into your memories in past relationships? Are you sure you never kissed or came closing to kissing someone when you were dating someone else? My gut says you have not, and those kinds of memories are easy to hide away. So if you don't go looking for them, you won't find them. Sometimes we react the strongest to behavior we are afraid of in ourselves. 

I would be checking in with my gut as to whether I can trust this person going forward. If I could, I would not end the relationship. But to do that I'd have to first accept that my partner is human, fully human and flawed with weaknesses and needs and reactions that might surprise him.  I'd also have to accept that there is no absolute certainty in relationships. And that a person can deeply love me and go on to be a wonderful, faithful partner even if they'd kissed someone at one party. On the flip side dating someone who has never done this isn't any safer or secure than continuing with this guy. If you're looking for absolute security in relationship you won't find it.  

What's ironic is that this guy came clean--honesty is really the basis of any security we can have in a relationship. 

In a long-term relationship, seems to me both partners will need to forgive offenses (and frustrating maddening differences) far worse than this one. My mother used to say the worst offense in a marriage is being mean. Has this guy been mean? And have you been such a perfect partner? And are you sure that your flaws are all "better" than his? If we laid out the full relationship and put it in front of ten reasonable people (you could choose them) I'm just not sure these folks would think he's been such a bad partner. Nor that his goodness so far is all canceled out by this one quick action. 

 [ ]                                                                

Edited March 16, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Civility

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, GirlyE said:

In my mind I’m still on the fence, I don’t even think I’ve reached the point of jealousy at all, just sadness, hurt and anger, but I’m sure it’s only the start of many different stages

There's no rush to make up your mind. You're still in his parents house and it's still his place also. You have a lot of logistics to contend with.

Let the dust settle and reflect in peace. 

[Alpacalia]

4 hours ago, GirlyE said:

Thank you, I just really need to find it in myself to know for sure. In my mind I haven’t even explored or entertained the idea of giving it a go and maybe that’s something I need to think about to know for certain? I know I have made decisions, but I haven’t made them in my mind with certainty and I’m still very confused

You're welcome.

Congratulate him and take him out to dinner? Not sure what to do? It's important to remember that your boyfriend and relationship are unique to you, and only you can decide how to react to the situation. Take some time to consider your feelings, and make a decision that is authentic to you, even if it comes with consequences.

That’s what your boyfriend did when he kissed another woman and also when he told you about it: he took a decision, he acted and then he confronted himself with the consequences of his actions.

Edited March 16, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Acacia98]

[ ]

@OP, I don't know if this will help you make sense of your feelings: Personally, I think the standard that determines whether one can reconcile and go on to have a healthy relationship is trust. If a person can bring themselves to trust their significant other after a betrayal and if the significant other is sincere about fixing things, then that's a good sign for the relationship. If the trust is broken, then a relationship won't work out well, no matter how hard the two try. And that's actually unfair to the person who's genuinely trying to make amends. Imagine being determined to make up for breaking your significant other's trust and doing everything possible to prove how committed you are to the relationship but still encountering that doubt and suspicion in their eyes in the long term.

So whether you ultimately stay broken up or reconcile, that's something to think about: whether you can learn to trust him again. I don't think trust is something you can just magic into existence by flipping a switch. If you genuinely don't trust him, then don't think of breaking up with him as an unfair punishment. Staying in a relationship with someone you don't trust and having them jump through hoops to try and please you when you know he will never please you ultimately becomes cruel and can lead to an emotionally abusive dynamic. I think it is far kinder to break up with someone than it is to put them (and yourself) through that extended heart-wrenching experience.

Edited March 16, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Response to removed content

[GirlyE]

Thank you for the comments. I have been speaking to my family also as I’ve travelled to spend with weekend with them for some clarity. It’s mainly the shock of things for them and me, because it is so out of my bf’s character for something like this to happen, less focussing on the fact it was a kiss and more on why it happened and that there has to be something deep routed to have led to it. So I just really need to assess our relationship and what it was now, the flip side being if we didn’t try I wouldn’t know for sure. So I’m still confused, and although I already made a “decision” I feel like I need to make an absolute final decision and move forward.

Edited March 16, 2023 by GirlyE

[JTSW]

5 minutes ago, GirlyE said:

there has to be something deep routed to have led to it.

Not necessarily.

I think you are reading more behind this kiss than there was.

He was drunk.

It was meaningless.

They way you are treating it is if you had discovered and long term affair.

That's not what this was.

It was a stupid drunken mistake, one he has never made before and clearly regrets.

I personally think that if you end it for good with him you will regret it.

He loves you. He's good to you. You have/had a good 4 year relationship.

I personally don't think it's worth throwing all that away on something completely meaningless.

[NuevoYorko]

2 hours ago, GirlyE said:

 less focussing on the fact it was a kiss and more on why it happened and that there has to be something deep routed to have led to it. 

That's  not necessarily true.  It's like saying that if a person who's been drinking gets in the car and drives or has "just one more round" has a deep rooted meaning for those.     Alcohol lowers inhibitions.  He had an impulse while drunk and followed it.  

If there is a deep meaning, that is simply that your boyfriend has a drinking problem.  

Not saying you should stay.  But this conviction that you're going to get a magical 'answer' that will satisfy you is not realistic.  

[Alpacalia]

Trust has been shaken, and you are understandably upset and hurt.

It makes a bit difficult when he can't offer an explanation.

Essentially, your boyfriend's behavior is not entirely surprising.

It's possible that he saw a sexually attractive woman and his subconscious desire prompted him to want to kiss her, without his conscious mind and moral compass intervening.

If I were to get you drunk to the point where your own sense of judgment and morality were impaired, I could likely persuade you to commit a series of crimes simply by offering you food, more alcohol, and treats.

A part of it too boils down to whether you view being drunk is a valid reason. Do you see it as still a conscious decision on his part to kiss this girl? Or would it be different if he was so drunk he was lying on the floor and she tripped and fell on him?

People are not perfect and they make mistakes, and you can be charitable towards them. You'd probably also want some to make some different mistakes as your partner that you'll be able to deal with - like not taking out the trash consistently or doing chores for you. Fine, you can take that hit.

[Lotsgoingon]

 

I feel like I need to make an absolute final decision and move forward.

This was my earlier point. Certainty (the feeling of) is your primary value here--so you need to make a fast decision. To me, making a good decision dwarfs the importance of making a fast decision.  Especially regarding a 4-year relationship. 

On the other hand, perhaps dumping him quickly is the right decision for him as well as for you. Because he might not have known that he was living with a perfectionist He surely thought you would be upset. He probably didn't think you would summarily fire him. 

Just be careful: let's say your next guy accepts (or seems to accept) your thinking that firing this guy was reasonable. There's a good chance he's going to go underground with anything he does that he thinks (and fears) you might judge. It won't necessarily be that new guy is better than this guy--just that he knows not to tell you anything. 

Good luck. 

[Alpacalia]

Don't just make a fast decision. Make an informed decision.

C'mon now.

Regarding the comment about your perfectionist nature, you are not responsible for your partner's behavior. Faithfulness and honesty from a partner are not unreasonable.

Likewise, don't automatically assume that the next person will be dishonest or secretive.

[Denise B]

You did the right thing. He probably told you because the other girl threatened to tell you first. If he loved you he would always be your first line of defense and things like this would never happen. I just broke up with my common law boyfriend because I kept giving him chances to change certain behaviour, but three times over he has let me down, replayed and repeated the same cycle right before my eyes. No people don't really change just because you want them to. They don't even change when lives are devastated in front of them. I lost a heapload of money on the investment we had in our house because I was the big investor on the mortgage. I had to leave, and I had to break the mortgage and lose most or all of my investment. Why? because I kept giving someone a chance that didnt deserve it. If he loved me he would not put himself in a position to lose me. Same goes for you. Don't forget that, please. Please don't go through what I am going through. Men like this just move on without much ado. They don't get invested in you. They get invested in the things you have or the arrangement you can provide. Sound like you dodged an even bigger bullet. Dont look back. please I know its painful. Im going through it right now only I lost more than two years of my life, I lost my life savings and my heart is broken.