Doesn't want to be married anymore?

[LetMeBe]

My husband told me he no longer wants to be married. He states he loves me, I've done nothing wrong, and that I've been great but he think he'd be happier single and alone. 
He told me he's adamant and just want to get this over with and he's been thinking about it for a while. We've had small issues in the past, but I thought we worked them out and divorced was never brought up. This is honestly the first I'm hearing about him bringing up divorce. I asked if he had any money saved to start the process and he said no -- he's broke and I've been supporting him for the past couple years. He's talking about taking out a loan and He's now staying with his parents and his things are still in our house. I've also asked numerous time if there's anyone else he's talking to which is why he's doing this and he said no. When we did just talk, I talked about some weird colleague hitting on me, he told me it's up to me if I want to date but he won't stop me which make me think he's lying...?

I'm asking him now if we can do marriage counseling at least and then if after trying we both feel this is not going to work, then I'll proceed with the divorce and even help pay for it. But if not, then I refuse to pay for it or initiate it as I don't agree with it. 

Does anyone know how this will play out in court? He told me he'll state "irreconcilable difference" but based on what he's telling me there are none? I've been feeling like I'm going crazy these past few days....Thank you.

[NuevoYorko]

Almost everywhere in the US has "no fault" divorce.  People can choose to dissolve their marriage at any time.  If he takes out a loan while you are still married, you will be liable for it.  

I'm sorry you're going through this, but it really sounds like he's done and you would be best to prepare to cut your losses.

[stillafool]

52 minutes ago, LetMeBe said:

I'm asking him now if we can do marriage counseling at least and then if after trying we both feel this is not going to work, then I'll proceed with the divorce and even help pay for it. But if not, then I refuse to pay for it or initiate it as I don't agree with it. 

I don't see the point of trying to hold onto someone who wants to be free of you.  He's already left.  I would give him his divorce but you don't have to be the one to pay for it.  He sounds like he really doesn't care if you go out with your colleague.  

[LetMeBe]

55 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

Almost everywhere in the US has "no fault" divorce.  People can choose to dissolve their marriage at any time.  If he takes out a loan while you are still married, you will be liable for it.  

I'm sorry you're going through this, but it really sounds like he's done and you would be best to prepare to cut your losses.

I'm in the UK (depending on where you are in the UK) no fault divorce is different. For me, Scotland, to do a no fault divorce we still have to be separated for 1-2 years before it can go through. Which is why I'm asking marriage counseling in between. The time frame is cut and sooner if one of us cheated or domestic abuse. 

29 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I don't see the point of trying to hold onto someone who wants to be free of you.  He's already left.  I would give him his divorce but you don't have to be the one to pay for it.  He sounds like he really doesn't care if you go out with your colleague.  

I know it sounds nuts, and you're right but....idk...I still feel like there's something there. I've already told him I refuse to pay for. If he wants the divorce then he needs to compromise with me as I left everything including my home to be with him

[BrinnM]

1 hour ago, LetMeBe said:

Does anyone know how this will play out in court? He told me he'll state "irreconcilable difference" but based on what he's telling me there are none?

That’s a typical dissolution reason. Doesn’t mean there’s violence or domestic abuse or an affair or anything like that. If he states “irreconcilable differences” and you both sign the paperwork, that’s gonna be listed as the reason in court.

Even though in your case I’d strongly suspect an affair. It’s rare that men ask for divorce just bc they want to be “single”. (Also you’re the main breadwinner apparently so that would be ill-advised on his part) ……. Women? Sure! They do it all the time even without a new partner lined up. Much more frequent for women.
…….statistically speaking, men don’t ask for a divorce as often as women do, and - also statistically speaking - men enjoy being single much less than women do. Most of them like being in a relationship, for reasons not 100% known to me, but I think I’ve read that it’s got to do with reliable access to physical intimacy/sex, and with the fact that women are less likely to get lonely due to networking, fostering friendships, etc. - But that’s just statistics and your husband might be a rare unicorn who thinks and feels differently. 

Edited March 15, 2023 by BrinnM

[Bluesandy]

Sorry to hear that, but it might be someone else involved... usually the case in this situation... don't take loan with him right now for sure while married... 

[stillafool]

18 minutes ago, LetMeBe said:

Quote

I'm in the UK (depending on where you are in the UK) no fault divorce is different. For me, Scotland, to do a no fault divorce we still have to be separated for 1-2 years before it can go through. Which is why I'm asking marriage counseling in between. The time frame is cut and sooner if one of us cheated or domestic abuse. 

You might want to look a little closer to see if cheating is takiing place.  I agree that men don't just jump up and end their marriage without another woman somewhere waiting in the wings.  As a matter of fact neither do women.

Quote

 If he wants the divorce then he needs to compromise with me as I left everything including my home to be with him

 

We all give up something to be with our partners.  For most of us it's our freedom which is majorly important to me.  If we split I certainly don't expect my husband to find a way to pay me back for it.  You didn't just leave your home to be with him but to marry him.  Unfortunately like many others you may not make it.  I don't think you can stop him from divorcing you if that's what he intends to do.

[LetMeBe]

I've spoken to him..he got really frustrated and told me the real reasons he wants to leave. He told me all I do is wreck his peace and give him nothing but negative bullshit and all he does is prop me up to feel better when I don't think about him and his feelings. He talks about how I don't pick up my stuff, and it wrecks his peace. He told me he wants peace that I don't give him and he said he'll be happier with someone else. 

For years I've asked him what I can do to be a be better wife and for years, he told me I've been great...for years till now..He told me once a few months ago that he thinks I need to do better to support him (divorce wasn't brought up), so I did offered for him to travel, I cleaned up after myself more, I bought a marriage book, I went to therapy more..then something happened at work that effected me to where I cried for 3 days...and that just did it for him. He's been depressed for years, so I tried harder to be there and care for him...

If I knew he felt this way for so long, I would've tried harder...I didn't know I was so unbearable to someone I loved that they felt this way. I tried harder because I didn't understand...I feel so useless and a burden...

I told him I'll give him his divorce...

Thanks guys...

Edited March 15, 2023 by LetMeBe

[stillafool]

I'm so sorry and I know it hurts. It seemed that you were bending over backwards to please him and he still wants his "peace".  Whatever that means to him.  Marriage is not easy but worth it.  Maybe divorce will free you up to be with someone who accepts you the way you are and doesn't want you to change.  That makes marriage so much easier.

[JTSW]

16 hours ago, LetMeBe said:

he said he'll be happier with someone else. 

This tells me he already has someone else.

I know this is not what you want to hear, but what I've read it really does sound like this.

[Wiseman2]

21 hours ago, LetMeBe said:

. I asked if he had any money saved to start the process and he said no -- he's broke and I've been supporting him for the past couple years. 

If he's threatening divorce, you'll need legal counsel for yourself anyway.

In fact if he can't  afford legal counsel for himself,  that's his problem and a disadvantage to him, not you.

The sooner you cut legal and financial ties the better off you will be. Talk to an attorney for your options and advice how to proceed.

[basil67]

I'm sorry you're going through this.  My advice is to give him his freedom.  Sure you can stay married to him because you don't want the divorce, but eventually this will be like cutting off your nose to spite your face.  Giving yourselves a fresh start really is something you can consider.

When it comes to costs, if the two of you agree on division of assets, you don't need lawyers.  Here's a link to DIY divorce in Scotland https://www.scotcourts.gov.uk/taking-action/divorce-and-dissolution-of-civil-partnership/simplified-do-it-yourself-procedure    I did one of these in Australia and it was quite simple and cost effective

Edited March 16, 2023 by basil67

[Acacia98]

On 3/15/2023 at 5:51 PM, LetMeBe said:

I asked if he had any money saved to start the process and he said no -- he's broke and I've been supporting him for the past couple years. 

 

On 3/15/2023 at 7:23 PM, LetMeBe said:

Iknow it sounds nuts, and you're right but....idk...I still feel like there's something there. I've already told him I refuse to pay for. If he wants the divorce then he needs to compromise with me as I left everything including my home to be with him

 

On 3/15/2023 at 10:01 PM, LetMeBe said:

For years I've asked him what I can do to be a be better wife and for years, he told me I've been great...for years till now..He told me once a few months ago that he thinks I need to do better to support him (divorce wasn't brought up), so I did offered for him to travel, I cleaned up after myself more, I bought a marriage book, I went to therapy more..then something happened at work that effected me to where I cried for 3 days...and that just did it for him. He's been depressed for years, so I tried harder to be there and care for him...

If I knew he felt this way for so long, I would've tried harder...I didn't know I was so unbearable to someone I loved that they felt this way. I tried harder because I didn't understand...I feel so useless and a burden...

If you don't mind my asking, OP, what exactly have you been getting out of this marriage? You talk about what he has asked of you and what you have voluntarily done for him/his sake. But there is little, if anything, about the other side of what should be a reciprocal relationship: for instance, what he has done to accommodate you and how the relationship makes you happy.

The bit that stands out to me is the part where you supported him through multiple years of depression, but when the time came for him to support you through three days of sadness, it was just too much, and he wanted out. Perhaps I'm missing something, but it sounds very much like this was a one-sided relationship. I can't help thinking you will be in a much better place once it's over and the dust settles. 

Edited March 17, 2023 by Acacia98

[LetMeBe]

27 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

If you don't mind my asking, OP, what exactly have you been getting out of this marriage? You talk about what he has asked of you and what you have voluntarily done for him/his sake. But there is little, if anything, about the other side of what should be a reciprocal relationship: for instance, what he has done to accommodate you and how the relationship makes you happy.

The bit that stands out to me is the part where you supported him through multiple years of depression, but when the time came for him to support you through three days of sadness, it was just too much, and he wanted out. Perhaps I'm missing something, but it sounds very much like this was a one-sided relationship. I can't help thinking you will be in a much better place once it's over and the dust settles. 

To get me over to his country he had to work an extremely taxing job that affected his mental health. He would hit himself, and that came and went throughout the years. When I began making more I wanted to return the favor and help him through his issues. He was still there to hear me complain, hear me talk, buy me gifts, make dinner, give me loads of affection. He was still there for me even when he was going through his issues. So, I forgoed dates and other things because that was his way of expressing his love understanding he didn't have the money so I offered to pay more. We've gone through a lot together and he is (or was) my best friend. When he lashed out he talks about how he always bigs me up while he's suffering and he hated it. Isn't a marriage about supporting each other regardless of the severity of an issue?

When I got those messages from him, all I could do is apologize to him and give him what he wants. But after taking time away from them, I've realized they're terrible. All of those things he's listed are not about me, they're about him. His lack of peace comes from himself, not me. He messaged me saying he was sorry for how angry he got but not for what he said. It's taking me every ounce of everything to not tell him he's being a massive bellend. But I know if I do, it'll be me ruining his peace. So, I'm not going to say anything. His mother than messaged me to not message him for a month so he can see what he's missing...

My plans -- I'm going to talk to the solicitors soon so he can give me legal and immigration advice if he actually does do it..I'd be surprised if he did. Because I've been with my husband for 7 years, I don't think he's going to put through this divorce and he's going to end up coming back. I'm going to take the month to myself to continue planning, and try my hardest to focus on myself and I hope to god I reach a point where I just don't care he comes back in this process. 

[LetMeBe]

I found him on a dating website, so I'm officially done and will go through with the divorce myself now. 

[basil67]

On 3/18/2023 at 2:56 AM, LetMeBe said:

When he lashed out he talks about how he always bigs me up while he's suffering and he hated it. Isn't a marriage about supporting each other regardless of the severity of an issue?

I see that you've found what you need to be able to walk away from this.  I'm so glad you're taking these positive steps for yourself.

However I'm going to touch on the quote above for the next relationship you're in.  I don't agree that marriage is about supporting each other regardless of the severity of an issue.  While it's good to have compassion and understanding of the issues our partner is facing, it can happen that we don't have the capacity to support them.  Perhaps the issues are too big for us to address.  Perhaps we're already overwhelmed with our own issues and are barely keeping our own head above water.  Perhaps the partner keeps complaining but does nothing to solve their issues.  Perhaps they have a habit of getting upset over small stuff and it's gotten annoying.   So while it's good for them to care, we can't expect support for all the things we will face in our lives.  And if you find a new partner who puts too much demand on your own caring, it's OK to draw a boundary if it protects your own mental health.

 

[Lotsgoingon]

Hmmm  ... your reaction to his announcement that he wants a divorce was to ask him if he has money?!

What are you his mother? This tells me a ton about the dynamics of this relationship.  A good marriage requires two mature people getting involved. But you are apparently married to a little boy or someone you feel like you have to watch over like a little boy.

Why the heck are you supporting him? That can work in some situations but still both people have to be adults. It's clear you don't see him as an adult. If that's the case, why are you married to him? And why weren't you the one to initiate the divorce?

Edited March 19, 2023 by Lotsgoingon

[JTSW]

On 3/19/2023 at 1:17 AM, LetMeBe said:

I found him on a dating website, so I'm officially done and will go through with the divorce myself now. 

This just clarifies what I said about him already having someone potentially lined up.

[LetMeBe]

On 3/19/2023 at 2:57 AM, Lotsgoingon said:

Hmmm  ... your reaction to his announcement that he wants a divorce was to ask him if he has money?!

What are you his mother? This tells me a ton about the dynamics of this relationship.  A good marriage requires two mature people getting involved. But you are apparently married to a little boy or someone you feel like you have to watch over like a little boy.

Why the heck are you supporting him? That can work in some situations but still both people have to be adults. It's clear you don't see him as an adult. If that's the case, why are you married to him? And why weren't you the one to initiate the divorce?

I never thought of him as a child, but more so an adult going through a lot of mental issues. So, I wanted to help and address it in a loving way. I asked about money because i wanted to gauge how much he's been thinking about it. Divorce was not something I wanted, as I thought we could fix our issues with time, effort and love. But it got to a point where I felt like it was a bit one-sided. He started talking to his exes as he said he missed a companionship so I tried to talk to him more about his interests and take him out more...I married him because he complimented me, we traveled a lot, we did fun things, but as time went on I think i ended up growing a bit more than he did...so I was trying to help him grow.. but I think he gave up..

[Lotsgoingon]

You're being super polite here. You say you grew over the years "a bit more than he did." Uh, sister you way understanding things.

Your first reaction on money, after he announces he wants to reject you, wasn't rage, or sadness. It was money. I'm sorry to say: you wouldn't ask that if you really respected him and his capabilities. 

Get out of this thing--for you. 

[basil67]

7 hours ago, LetMeBe said:

 I tried to talk to him more about his interests and take him out more < > so I was trying to help him grow.. 

Regarding thinking of him as a child.....   Do you realise that this sounds exactly as parent would speak about solving issues with their child?   The dynamic here is too unbalanced to continue 

[ExpatInItaly]

He's long gone out of this marriage. 

Good luck with your plans to speak to an attorney. You need to get all the information you can to dissolve the marriage and start a new chapter without him. 

[LetMeBe]

So, he had to come and get his things. 

He expressed he's extremely sorry he's putting me through all of this and that he's been a massive ass. He said he's sorry he hasn't been explaining things in the best way. He said he honestly thinks that I deserve better. He said the profile he found was genuinely him trying to find friends and him ticking boxes just to get someone to talk to as he's been lonely for years and just wants companionship. I've expressed I have given him that, but he said he knows I've tried and that he thinks this is all him. He said he found out he may be autistic (which explains a lot) after talking to his therapist and is going to get tested further.  He told me still very much loves me, and that while he does want to continue to the relationship he feels like it's not good for the both of us (his analogy was eating chocolate almost everyday -- you like it, but doing so isn't good for you). He said life is strange and who's to say he'll regret this or not, but right now he thinks this is best..

I told him once he leaves to not contact me anymore and that I'll speak to his parents moving forward about how to get the rest of his things. I told him the only reason he should reach out is if he wants to try again, but I'll continue to hold the thought that he's never coming back as I can't hold my life for him. He said he doesn't want to not hear from me for the rest of his life and to please contact him just to let him know i'm ok. I said maybe, but that's up to me to decide and not him. 

 

5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

He's long gone out of this marriage. 

Good luck with your plans to speak to an attorney. You need to get all the information you can to dissolve the marriage and start a new chapter without him. 

Talked to a lawyer, and if I stay in this country a divorce can't be filed till 2025. So, if I stayed i'd have to be in contact with him to make arrangements. I'm looking into leaving. 

 

15 hours ago, basil67 said:

Regarding thinking of him as a child.....   Do you realise that this sounds exactly as parent would speak about solving issues with their child?   The dynamic here is too unbalanced to continue 

 

22 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

You're being super polite here. You say you grew over the years "a bit more than he did." Uh, sister you way understanding things.

Your first reaction on money, after he announces he wants to reject you, wasn't rage, or sadness. It was money. I'm sorry to say: you wouldn't ask that if you really respected him and his capabilities. 

Get out of this thing--for you. 

I honestly never thought of it that way and honestly thought I was playing the role as a wife. When he announced the divorce, i was sad immediately. I cried and begged for marriage counseling. But after the dust settled I had to know how long he had thought about this. After looking at the relationship again, I can see now some of the unbalance and maybe with time it will uncover more. 
 

[LetMeBe]

He also said he was grieving just as much as me and that he couldn't eat or sleep properly either. -- sorry couldn't find the edit function for the above message. 

 

[stillafool]

22 minutes ago, LetMeBe said:

Talked to a lawyer, and if I stay in this country a divorce can't be filed till 2025. So, if I stayed i'd have to be in contact with him to make arrangements. I'm looking into leaving. 

I thought since he's the one who wants the divorce you were going to let him file and pay for it.  Again, here you are taking the lead and trying to stay in contact with him to make arrangements.  The attorney can make arrangements as the divorce progresses.  There's really no need to stay in touch with him.  Why didn't he get all of his things while there?  Why should you be the one to make arrangements with his parents to get the rest of his things?  Stop acting like his mother.  It's a turn off.  Men want a romantic partner not a mother figure.