Doesn't want to be married anymore?

[JTSW]

8 minutes ago, LetMeBe said:

He also said he was grieving just as much as me and that he couldn't eat or sleep properly either.

I highly doubt that.

He's on dating sites and him claiming its to find friends is BS.

He's not grieving.

He's looking for a GF.

[stillafool]

9 minutes ago, LetMeBe said:

He also said he was grieving just as much as me and that he couldn't eat or sleep properly either. -- sorry couldn't find the edit function for the above message. 

 

Yet he feels well enough to search online for "new friends".  Okay.

[LetMeBe]

3 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I thought since he's the one who wants the divorce you were going to let him file and pay for it.  Again, here you are taking the lead and trying to stay in contact with him to make arrangements.  The attorney can make arrangements as the divorce progresses.  There's really no need to stay in touch with him.  Why didn't he get all of his things while there?  Why should you be the one to make arrangements with his parents to get the rest of his things?  Stop acting like his mother.  It's a turn off.  Men want a romantic partner not a mother figure.

Sorry, let me clarify -- he's still filing himself. I'm not doing it and expressed multiple times I refuse. I only went to the lawyer to figure out what will happen to me once he files and how i can continue living in the country. The lawyer has told me that if I stay, he can't do anything for another couple of years but advised me on how I can protect myself if he tries earlier. 

He couldn't get all his things as he's expressed he has to figure out where to put it and get the resources to move his things. So, he was only able to get his important docs for the time being. I only suggested maybe it's best I reached out to his parents instead as I don't want him to talk to me. That is all. 

I don't see how those actions make me try and act like his mother. He's a grown man -- i've never controlled him, told him what to eat, told him how to dress, etc. I've never scolded him or told him he needed to do anything. I don't think I've ever saw him as a child and anytime i worried it came from a place of love.

[stillafool]

41 minutes ago, LetMeBe said:

I only went to the lawyer to figure out what will happen to me once he files and how i can continue living in the country. The lawyer has told me that if I stay, he can't do anything for another couple of years but advised me on how I can protect myself if he tries earlier. 

Why wouldn't you be able to stay in that country if you divorce?  What were expecting him to do if you did leave and what is it you need to protect yourself from?

 

43 minutes ago, LetMeBe said:

He couldn't get all his things as he's expressed he has to figure out where to put it and get the resources to move his things. So, he was only able to get his important docs for the time being. I only suggested maybe it's best I reached out to his parents instead as I don't want him to talk to me. That is all. 

Where's he living now?  If you are offering to contact his parents to get his things he does have a place to put them - at his parents place.  Why can't he arrange for his parents to collect them rather than you doing it and have his parents contact you to pick them up?  This is what I'm talking about being the parent.  You doing everything for him instead of letting him be a man and do his own heavy lifting.  He probably also felt emasculated.

[LetMeBe]

22 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Why wouldn't you be able to stay in that country if you divorce?  What were expecting him to do if you did leave and what is it you need to protect yourself from?

 

Where's he living now?  If you are offering to contact his parents to get his things he does have a place to put them - at his parents place.  Why can't he arrange for his parents to collect them rather than you doing it and have his parents contact you to pick them up?  This is what I'm talking about being the parent.  You doing everything for him instead of letting him be a man and do his own heavy lifting.  He probably also felt emasculated.

If he files, I get kicked out of the country. If I want to stay, he has to wait until I get my residency documents and then he can apply. If he tries to put it in earlier, then I have backups of how I can protect myself. 

He's living with his parents who already has 2 other adult kids staying with them. He doesn't want to involve his parents. Before he left he says I should contact him to pick up his things. I told him fine. I think the last thing I told him was if he truly wants me to not involve his parents then fine, but it's going to be up to him to get and pack his things moving forward and that I will not be reaching out to him to get his things. 

[stillafool]

9 minutes ago, LetMeBe said:

If I want to stay, he has to wait until I get my residency documents and then he can apply. If he tries to put it in earlier, then I have backups of how I can protect myself. 

Earlier you said you made a sacrifice to come be with him.  So now you no longer have to sacrifice and can go back home.  Why don't you want to go back now that a divorce is going to happen?

[LetMeBe]

14 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Earlier you said you made a sacrifice to come be with him.  So now you no longer have to sacrifice and can go back home.  Why don't you want to go back now that a divorce is going to happen?

Finding work takes a while?? -- It's not like I can just up and leave. I have to save funds as well. I don't want to stay here but the reality is it's going to take a while so I should prepare to stay in the event I can't find anything. Not to mention my current short term spousal residency is about to expire. So, I'm looking for work and if nothing then if I can't find anything by the time my stuff expires, then I need to extend myself here. I've still built a life and career here even if I came over specifically for my husband. 

Edited March 22, 2023 by LetMeBe

[stillafool]

20 hours ago, LetMeBe said:

Finding work takes a while?? -- It's not like I can just up and leave. I have to save funds as well. I don't want to stay here but the reality is it's going to take a while so I should prepare to stay in the event I can't find anything. Not to mention my current short term spousal residency is about to expire. So, I'm looking for work and if nothing then if I can't find anything by the time my stuff expires, then I need to extend myself here. I've still built a life and career here even if I came over specifically for my husband. 

So you haven't worked the entire time you've been there and need to find work?  What about the career you've built?  Even if you find a job it's not going to take 2 years to save to leave if you really wanted that; but I think you want to stick around in hopes of getting him back.  Don't waste your time.

[LetMeBe]

I want to iterate -- I don't want to be here. I've been working these past few years and I now have a high paying job. I can't just move back home, I need to plan flights, find a job, find a place to stay. I also need to save for my flights and buffer in between. I'm still paying rent and bills my husband as decided to pay less of. My parents already have a lot on their plate, so they'll help when they can but not for everything. The job's I've applied for can help with relocation -- so that's two birds and one stone. I'm not planning on staying for 2 years. 

When he came over to get his items, we did end up sleeping together and telling each other we love each other. Me being a massive idiot thought there would be chance if I held out a bit longer while making plans to leave. Again, his items are all still here. 

I've found he has a Tinder profile on top of his other profile that I've found earlier this week that he opened literally a few days after he left the house. Says he's looking for companionship to travel and eat. I've asked him for months to travel and he kept saying we need to save and no...so I've blocked him and am now trying to leave my flat. I still can't let the gov't know we've separated so they don't immediately deport me so I'm seeing if a friend can let me stay with them for as long as possible.

I'm talking to my family to see if we can rush the process. I won't let him have his cake and eat it to any longer. 

Edited March 23, 2023 by LetMeBe

[mark clemson]

It sounds like he's been mentally preparing for things to end for a while now, unlike you. So, he's further along in the breakup process (or was). It's not uncommon for people to make plans to leave without telling their partner until they feel fully ready. Not particularly fair, honest, or ethical, but quite common nonetheless. The looking for new GFs/"companionship" and paying less on his part are presumably all part of it.

He's still waffling as the intimacy shows, but I wouldn't bet on him staying. It MAY have been more of a "goodbye" than a "re-bonding".

If/when you're firm on ending it, you might look into "the 360" as it can be helpful psychologically once a divorce becomes inevitable.

There's a chance he won't be able to go through with it and comes back - probably after giving single-hood a try or just at the verge of actually divorcing. You'll have to decide what to do about that, IF it happens, when and if that time comes. Don't plan on it or let it stop you from getting on with your life as you feel is necessary, since it may be a low probability.

Edited March 23, 2023 by mark clemson

[stillafool]

On 3/22/2023 at 11:53 AM, LetMeBe said:

So, I'm looking for work and if nothing then if I can't find anything by the time my stuff expires, then I need to extend myself here.

 

3 hours ago, LetMeBe said:

I've been working these past few years and I now have a high paying job. I can't just move back home, I need to plan flights, find a job, find a place to stay. I also need to save for my flights and buffer in between. I'm still paying rent and bills my husband as decided to pay less of. My parents already have a lot on their plate, so they'll help when they can but not for everything. T

These 2 comments from you don't align.  First you say you're looking for work and below you say you have a high paying job.  Then you say you can't move back home because you need to plan for flights, and save for flights.  If you have a high paying job you can plan a flight in 20 minutes and should have the money to buy a flight home.

 

3 hours ago, LetMeBe said:

I'm talking to my family to see if we can rush the process.

Here you are saying your family is involved to rush some process, what?  

Quote

I won't let him have his cake and eat it to any longer. 

Sorry; but he already has.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, LetMeBe said:

. I've been working these past few years and I now have a high paying job.

Sorry for all this. Can you get a work visa? Take your time and don't panic. Decide who's going to move out of the flat. 

[LetMeBe]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry for all this. Can you get a work visa? Take your time and don't panic. Decide who's going to move out of the flat. 

 

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

 

These 2 comments from you don't align.  First you say you're looking for work and below you say you have a high paying job.  Then you say you can't move back home because you need to plan for flights, and save for flights.  If you have a high paying job you can plan a flight in 20 minutes and should have the money to buy a flight home.

 

Here you are saying your family is involved to rush some process, what?  

Sorry; but he already has.

I'm actually looking into a work visa  now, but I'm not entirely sure how well that would go..I was an intern for years and then just started getting more responsibilities and more money literally a month ago. I feel like I need more experience under my belt which may make it difficult but I am looking...I've been building up my career and it's just started. 

As for the flat it would have to be me first. He hasn't been here since the beginning of March.

I understand I haven't clarified very well, so I'm going to do it again. I told him I'm not planning on staying, and that I'm looking for work back in my home country as well as other neighboring countries. Once I find work, I'm leaving. I'm packing up my stuff and leaving. I can't just get up and go without a job lined up -- I refuse. If it takes me months then so be it. I can ask my parents to stay with them, but then that's me actively looking for work when I could just stay,  look for work, save as much money as I could, and then go once I find something. 

I don't know why you're thinking I'm trying to stay to see if he'll change his mind. While I do wish he would give our marriage a second chance and me a chance to fix it, i'm not holding my life for him. I've already asked, and begged, and done all I could and he's still adamant and already on dating websites looking for a companion. A companionship I've asked to have with him multiple times and each time he tells me we need to save money or he says no....

 

 

Edited March 23, 2023 by LetMeBe

[amerikajin]

On 3/15/2023 at 10:51 AM, LetMeBe said:

My husband told me he no longer wants to be married. He states he loves me, I've done nothing wrong, and that I've been great but he think he'd be happier single and alone. 
He told me he's adamant and just want to get this over with and he's been thinking about it for a while. We've had small issues in the past, but I thought we worked them out and divorced was never brought up. This is honestly the first I'm hearing about him bringing up divorce. I asked if he had any money saved to start the process and he said no -- he's broke and I've been supporting him for the past couple years. He's talking about taking out a loan and He's now staying with his parents and his things are still in our house. I've also asked numerous time if there's anyone else he's talking to which is why he's doing this and he said no. When we did just talk, I talked about some weird colleague hitting on me, he told me it's up to me if I want to date but he won't stop me which make me think he's lying...?

I'm asking him now if we can do marriage counseling at least and then if after trying we both feel this is not going to work, then I'll proceed with the divorce and even help pay for it. But if not, then I refuse to pay for it or initiate it as I don't agree with it. 

Does anyone know how this will play out in court? He told me he'll state "irreconcilable difference" but based on what he's telling me there are none? I've been feeling like I'm going crazy these past few days....Thank you.

 

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. 

Do you think he's depressed? He seems depressed, but I have no way of knowing.

[LetMeBe]

On 4/2/2023 at 12:19 AM, amerikajin said:

 

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. 

Do you think he's depressed? He seems depressed, but I have no way of knowing.

Yes! Therapist even confirmed that’s the case and think he’s needs to be evaluated for medication. He just told me he’s going to quit his low paying job for an even lower paying job where he gets to live in a cupboard and work in a restaurant. Then stated he knows it’s a terrible idea and knows he’ll be miserable. 

Its almost as if he’s going through some type of midlife crisis. Like, I’m sitting here watching him spiral into oblivion.

I’m in between not knowing what’s happening and then knowing what’s happening. I’m just trying my best to prepare myself atm.

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, LetMeBe said:

Yes! Therapist even confirmed that’s the case and think he’s needs to be evaluated for medication

Does the therapist know he's on Tinder and other dating sites?  Is that part of depression?  How can he be looking for someone to travel with when he has no money?

[ExpatInItaly]

21 hours ago, LetMeBe said:

He just told me he’s going to quit his low paying job for an even lower paying job where he gets to live in a cupboard and work in a restaurant. Then stated he knows it’s a terrible idea and knows he’ll be miserable.

Please don't buy this. 

He is making this choice and trying to pass it off as a terrible idea to make himself feel less guilty for essentially dumping you - and shopping for a new girlfriend right after. It isn't a midlife crisis. It's a grown man behaving selfishly. 

That's it. 

[S2B]

Please don’t have sex with him again. Don’t be alone with again either.

 

[Wiseman2]

On 4/3/2023 at 5:30 AM, LetMeBe said:

. He just told me he’s going to quit his low paying job for an even lower paying job where he gets to live in a cupboard and work in a restaurant. 

Please don't worry whether he has mental health problems or not.  Please discontinue trying to fix him or the marriage. He's on dating apps and is threatening divorce.  If he wants to live in a cupboard, that's ok as long as you can afford the apartment until you get work or leave the country.

Focus solely on your residency status, finances and the best way to extricate yourself from the marriage and either find work there or somewhere you can live. Focus on your own survival because it's vital to get help either leaving or staying. 

Continue to seek help from friends, family, an attorney, the immigration department and your embassy. Do not allow his chaos to impact you and derail your life into being unemployed or an illegal alien.

Edited April 6, 2023 by Wiseman2

[amerikajin]

On 4/3/2023 at 5:30 AM, LetMeBe said:

Yes! Therapist even confirmed that’s the case and think he’s needs to be evaluated for medication. He just told me he’s going to quit his low paying job for an even lower paying job where he gets to live in a cupboard and work in a restaurant. Then stated he knows it’s a terrible idea and knows he’ll be miserable. 

Its almost as if he’s going through some type of midlife crisis. Like, I’m sitting here watching him spiral into oblivion.

I’m in between not knowing what’s happening and then knowing what’s happening. I’m just trying my best to prepare myself atm.

 

Protect yourself. You may want to save him and save your "relationship", but you'll save neither without protecting yourself first. Protecting yourself may mean accepting your marriage is over. You can still support him after divorce; it's just different.

[S2B]

Why would YOU think you need to be the one to fix this? HE would be the one to fix it. He isn’t connecting with you - he checked out. He hasn’t been working - you have.

looks to me like you would be better without him.

protect your money. Make sure he can’t get a dime out of you moving forward.