A most difficult breakup to process

[Hooked]

Inevitable breakup that dumper made infinitely more painful for me than was necessary

I thought we had an amazing relationship. Hadn't fought or really had the slightest friction in 6 months together.

One day she (34) tells me (39m) that she's decided she doesn't want to ever have kids, which is something I want and we discussed briefly early on. I had no indication she was opposed to it. I was pretty put out about the whole thing. We talked it out and cried about the impasse. I thought I had a really tough decision on my hands: do I want to sacrifice having kids or give up who I felt was my forever girl?

We kissed passionately that night and were intimate over the course of the weekend. After I went home that Sunday, she broke up with me on the phone. She said she'd fallen out of love with me over the past month of stressing about the procreation conundrum. Something about her imagining a future with me and not liking it. Lovely.

For that first week of the breakup, she responded to texts and calls to discuss her decision she offer me closure. She even met up with me a week later so we could have a proper face to face discussion and goodbye. I was extremely hurt and confused about the breakup, but I appreciated her graciousness.

At the meeting, she revealed that she also wasn't sure she wanted to get married again. I was like wtf, did you ever think about this s*** before getting on Bumble and making me, a guy who wants marriage and kids, to fall hard for you? She was at least apologetic about failing to be sure about these things. At least she figured it out now, I guess. 

Two days after that last meeting, I felt like I had one more question to ask her to get to 100% closure. It was simply asking her to please answer one last question, which was asking her to confirm that she fell out of love due to imagining some kind of bleak future with me, which is what I thought she had told me but wasn't sure about. She ignored that text. It was the first time she'd ever not responded for 24 hrs or anywhere near that. I sent a followup text which was also ignored. Then a day later I sent a very mildly worded rebuke for ignoring me instead of simply saying she didn't want to talk or answer any more questions, adding that ghosting me was unnecessarily hurtful and disrespectful. I had treated her like a princess. That got her to respond. She told me I "need to back off" and that she didn't owe me anything else.

I didn't think I could be hurt any worse than what the breakup had done, but her ignoring me and telling me to back off threw me deep down into grief. That wasn't a person I recognized. And why didn't she just tell me she didn't want to talk anymore? That's not asking a whole lot.

It's such a difficult breakup to process. On the one hand I feel like it was mutual, because we both now knew we wouldn't be viable long term. But her ending it and adding on the loss of feelings for me really hit me hard. It's impossible to process that someone who I thought loved me a lot had managed to fall out of love with me yet couldn't tell me anything I did that was wrong or unattractive. She also said during the breakup that I was the smartest person she's met, fun and very attractive. The only issues were kids and marriage.

It's amazing how much harder she made this on me than it needed to be. I can't take the intense feelings of abandonment arising from the shocking and sudden revelation of the issue and the breakup, as well as from refusing to communicate with me anymore. And I don't know how to feel about her handling of the closure thing. It was very gracious to meet me in person, but to then coldly cut me off without warning feels really shitty. If she had just told me she didn't want to communicate any further after the final meeting, I would have accepted that and not sent my final question. 

What a disastrous way to suddenly end what I thought was a beautiful relationship heading towards marriage. My heart is shattered.

[Ray_xx]

7 minutes ago, Hooked said:

Inevitable breakup that dumper made infinitely more painful for me than was necessary

I thought we had an amazing relationship. Hadn't fought or really had the slightest friction in 6 months together.

One day she (34) tells me (39m) that she's decided she doesn't want to ever have kids, which is something I want and we discussed briefly early on. I had no indication she was opposed to it. I was pretty put out about the whole thing. We talked it out and cried about the impasse. I thought I had a really tough decision on my hands: do I want to sacrifice having kids or give up who I felt was my forever girl?

We kissed passionately that night and were intimate over the course of the weekend. After I went home that Sunday, she broke up with me on the phone. She said she'd fallen out of love with me over the past month of stressing about the procreation conundrum. Something about her imagining a future with me and not liking it. Lovely.

For that first week of the breakup, she responded to texts and calls to discuss her decision she offer me closure. She even met up with me a week later so we could have a proper face to face discussion and goodbye. I was extremely hurt and confused about the breakup, but I appreciated her graciousness.

At the meeting, she revealed that she also wasn't sure she wanted to get married again. I was like wtf, did you ever think about this s*** before getting on Bumble and making me, a guy who wants marriage and kids, to fall hard for you? She was at least apologetic about failing to be sure about these things. At least she figured it out now, I guess. 

Two days after that last meeting, I felt like I had one more question to ask her to get to 100% closure. It was simply asking her to please answer one last question, which was asking her to confirm that she fell out of love due to imagining some kind of bleak future with me, which is what I thought she had told me but wasn't sure about. She ignored that text. It was the first time she'd ever not responded for 24 hrs or anywhere near that. I sent a followup text which was also ignored. Then a day later I sent a very mildly worded rebuke for ignoring me instead of simply saying she didn't want to talk or answer any more questions, adding that ghosting me was unnecessarily hurtful and disrespectful. I had treated her like a princess. That got her to respond. She told me I "need to back off" and that she didn't owe me anything else.

I didn't think I could be hurt any worse than what the breakup had done, but her ignoring me and telling me to back off threw me deep down into grief. That wasn't a person I recognized. And why didn't she just tell me she didn't want to talk anymore? That's not asking a whole lot.

It's such a difficult breakup to process. On the one hand I feel like it was mutual, because we both now knew we wouldn't be viable long term. But her ending it and adding on the loss of feelings for me really hit me hard. It's impossible to process that someone who I thought loved me a lot had managed to fall out of love with me yet couldn't tell me anything I did that was wrong or unattractive. She also said during the breakup that I was the smartest person she's met, fun and very attractive. The only issues were kids and marriage.

It's amazing how much harder she made this on me than it needed to be. I can't take the intense feelings of abandonment arising from the shocking and sudden revelation of the issue and the breakup, as well as from refusing to communicate with me anymore. And I don't know how to feel about her handling of the closure thing. It was very gracious to meet me in person, but to then coldly cut me off without warning feels really shitty. If she had just told me she didn't want to communicate any further after the final meeting, I would have accepted that and not sent my final question. 

What a disastrous way to suddenly end what I thought was a beautiful relationship heading towards marriage. My heart is shattered.

Hey I am so sorry about this and can feel the emotions whilst reading it. I am female (31) and I was with my ex partner for 4 years. We lived together and he was part of my family (my parents wanted me to marry him) when we first got together it was all connection, loyalty, happiness and chemistry. We also spoke about getting married and potentially having children one day. I woke up one day and didn't love him anymore. The same thing your ex girlfriend has said I pictured a life with him and it wasn't what I wanted. I tried to leave him for two years but he wouldn't let me escape and my family said I would regret it for the rest of my life. I ended up having an affair because of the mental torture and forcement everyone had put on me. Of course I told him and he left in the end and is now happily settled with another. I still to this day wish him well but I do not regret a single moment of my choices and leaving him. Heartbrake is the WORST emotion in the world but timing is a healer and timing is what will make everything better for you. The girl has said to you she does not see a future anymore and you MUST respect her choice and let her move on with her life. It's tough but people are married 30 years and split up. It's part of human nature and what we all must go through within our journeys. I wish you the best but have self respect and respect for someone you cared for deeply, and let her go.  She does not want children (nor do I) and I would expect the person I settle with to accept that or change paths as I believe you should. Take care and stay strong. x

[BrinnM]

Sorry this happened to you. I don’t think she was maliciously cutting you off, but you also have to see her point of view - She did meet up with you one last time, which she didn’t have to, in order to give you closure, which - to be honest with you - most people don’t get. The person who breaks up usually wants to be done, and it’s uncomfortable for them to explain everything in detail to the person they didn’t mean to hurt. A breakup is always tough. Mostly for the person on the receiving end, sure, because it often comes so suddenly, but for the person who’s ending the relationship it’s not easy, either. 
And let’s be honest: if she had replied to your last text message and explained to you her point of view, it wouldn’t have made it easier or better for you, either. I’m sure you would’ve had 10 other follow-up questions and she probably anticipated that and didn’t wanna deal with it anymore. Again - sorry this happened, but look at it that way: Her reluctance to get remarried and have children would have caused immense friction in the future. 

Edited March 15, 2023 by BrinnM

[Hooked]

42 minutes ago, Ray_xx said:

Hey I am so sorry about this and can feel the emotions whilst reading it. I am female (31) and I was with my ex partner for 4 years. We lived together and he was part of my family (my parents wanted me to marry him) when we first got together it was all connection, loyalty, happiness and chemistry. We also spoke about getting married and potentially having children one day. I woke up one day and didn't love him anymore. The same thing your ex girlfriend has said I pictured a life with him and it wasn't what I wanted. I tried to leave him for two years but he wouldn't let me escape and my family said I would regret it for the rest of my life. I ended up having an affair because of the mental torture and forcement everyone had put on me. Of course I told him and he left in the end and is now happily settled with another. I still to this day wish him well but I do not regret a single moment of my choices and leaving him. Heartbrake is the WORST emotion in the world but timing is a healer and timing is what will make everything better for you. The girl has said to you she does not see a future anymore and you MUST respect her choice and let her move on with her life. It's tough but people are married 30 years and split up. It's part of human nature and what we all must go through within our journeys. I wish you the best but have self respect and respect for someone you cared for deeply, and let her go.  She does not want children (nor do I) and I would expect the person I settle with to accept that or change paths as I believe you should. Take care and stay strong. x

Thanks for your comment, it's very helpful, especially your falling out of love for the same reason. I doubted that explanation from her as I can't relate to falling out of love with someone that easily, but your post helps me accept it's the truth. 

If I may ask, what did you not like about your image of the future with him? Was it how he treated you or some other issue? 

No worries about letting her go. I wasn't having trouble letting her go, really...I don't think I was messaging her just to continue the connection. It really was one last thing I wanted to clarify. I won't be messaging her again. 

Edited March 15, 2023 by Hooked

[Hooked]

40 minutes ago, BrinnM said:

Sorry this happened to you. I don’t think she was maliciously cutting you off, but you also have to see her point of view - She did meet up with you one last time, which she didn’t have to, in order to give you closure, which - to be honest with you - most people don’t get. The person who breaks up usually wants to be done, and it’s uncomfortable for them to explain everything in detail to the person they didn’t mean to hurt. A breakup is always tough. Mostly for the person on the receiving end, sure, because it often comes so suddenly, but for the person who’s ending the relationship it’s not easy, either. 
And let’s be honest: if she had replied to your last text message and explained to you her point of view, it wouldn’t have made it easier or better for you, either. I’m sure you would’ve had 10 other follow-up questions and she probably anticipated that and didn’t wanna deal with it anymore. Again - sorry this happened, but look at it that way: Her reluctance to get remarried and have children would have caused immense friction in the future. 

Yeah I understand. I would've totally understood her saying that she was done answering questions since she went above and beyond with the meeting. That would've been that. And what you said about me thinking of more and more questions is probably true. But there's just no excuse for ignoring me in that situation IMO. I just want and expect to be treated with respect by someone to whom I gave so much. 

Edited March 15, 2023 by Hooked

[Ray_xx]

1 hour ago, Hooked said:

Thanks for your comment, it's very helpful, especially your falling out of love for the same reason. I doubted that explanation from her as I can't relate to falling out of love with someone that easily, but your post helps me accept it's the truth. 

If I may ask, what did you not like about your image of the future with him? Was it how he treated you or some other issue? 

No worries about letting her go. I wasn't having trouble letting her go, really...I don't think I was messaging her just to continue the connection. It really was one last thing I wanted to clarify. I won't be messaging her again. 

I think for me it was that he was so close to my mum and dad that it almost felt that I was treated as the outside and he came before me. Obviously that wasn't the case but I think I felt small and encouraged to live with him, to marry him and to see a future for him and with all that force on my young mind (26 at the time) I almost tried to brake free and made myself not love him anymore and become the offender shall we say and look for fun else where behind everyone's back that had tried to set my life up for me. That's the truth for me and it sounds as though a similar pattern has happened with your ex where by she has felt pressure having discussions about children and marriage and freaked out. I could be wrong, I am just talking from experience

[Ray_xx]

4 minutes ago, Ray_xx said:

I think for me it was that he was so close to my mum and dad that it almost felt that I was treated as the outside and he came before me. Obviously that wasn't the case but I think I felt small and encouraged to live with him, to marry him and to see a future for him and with all that force on my young mind (26 at the time) I almost tried to brake free and made myself not love him anymore and became the offender shall we say and looked for fun else where behind everyone's back that had tried to set my life up for me. That's the truth for me and it sounds as though a similar pattern has happened with your ex where by she has felt pressure having discussions about children and marriage and freaked out. I could be wrong, I am just talking from experience

He treat me as a gentleman treats his lover in a love story... It was never that that was the issue

Edited March 15, 2023 by Ray_xx

[Hooked]

1 hour ago, Ray_xx said:

I think for me it was that he was so close to my mum and dad that it almost felt that I was treated as the outside and he came before me. Obviously that wasn't the case but I think I felt small and encouraged to live with him, to marry him and to see a future for him and with all that force on my young mind (26 at the time) I almost tried to brake free and made myself not love him anymore and become the offender shall we say and look for fun else where behind everyone's back that had tried to set my life up for me. That's the truth for me and it sounds as though a similar pattern has happened with your ex where by she has felt pressure having discussions about children and marriage and freaked out. I could be wrong, I am just talking from experience

I agree that's what appears to have happened. I guess it just blows my mind a bit that someone can fall out of love when they're being treated great and the other person didn't do anything wrong. Hard for me to imagine falling out of love under the same circumstances, but I suppose everyone loves differently. 

Thanks for sharing your story. It's very interesting. 

Edited March 15, 2023 by Hooked

[NuevoYorko]

18 minutes ago, Hooked said:

I agree that's what appears to have happened. I guess it just blows my mind a bit that someone can fall out of love when they're being treated great and the other person didn't do anything wrong.

Well ... love is an emotion.  It's tricky.  If it weren't, we would be paired up with anyone who treated us well and didn't do anything wrong, but that's not how it works. And people's feelings and minds change all the time.   I'm sorry.   

[basil67]

I would imagine that there was a degree of unconscious logic happening in her brain with the falling out of love thing.   It was likely related to knowing that there wasn't going to be a future and so she allowed for it to happen.  Had she hung onto those feelings, the break up would have been so much harder and wouldn't have happened in a timely manner.  And the ending would have been so much harder had the relationship continued for years.   

For what it's worth, I don't think she was too harsh in the end when she shut down your extra questions.  She'd already taken so many steps to help you understand but the further questioning was just a step too far. 

[Hooked]

5 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I would imagine that there was a degree of unconscious logic happening in her brain with the falling out of love thing.   It was likely related to knowing that there wasn't going to be a future and so she allowed for it to happen.  Had she hung onto those feelings, the break up would have been so much harder and wouldn't have happened in a timely manner.  And the ending would have been so much harder had the relationship continued for years.   

For what it's worth, I don't think she was too harsh in the end when she shut down your extra questions.  She'd already taken so many steps to help you understand but the further questioning was just a step too far. 

Thanks. I kind of want to apologize for bothering her, but I know any further contact would bother her so I'm not going to. It just sucks that it ended on this note after we had such a good final meeting. I don't want her to remember me as a pest or needy. I just wanted to make sure I understood everything 😕 (I forgot a lot that was said during the meeting just days before, I think perhaps because I was so emotional). 

[Hooked]

Bottom line is it's a b**** detaching from someone you never had any conflict with. Normally when I've gone through a breakup, I've had a laundry list of things that bothered me about the ex. I don't really have anything for this one, other than her not wanting kids ☹️. 

[Wiseman2]

14 hours ago, Hooked said:

One day she (34) tells me (39m) that she's decided she doesn't want to ever have kids.. She said she'd fallen out of love with me over the past month of stressing about the procreation conundrum. 

Sorry this happened. It sounds like after dating 6 mos , the rosy glow has faded and unfortunately the reality of basic incompatibilities has surfaced.

It seems like she's been deliberating for a while because the relationship was going well, but she saw an impasse as far as further goals so set you free to pursue that.

Heartaches hurt but it's better to cut your losses than drag things out when deal breakers have been identified.

 

[JTSW]

If she had answered your last question it wouldn't have changed anything.

It wouldn't have made it any easier or better.

Deep down I just think you weren't ready to let go.

She wasn't being cold or heartless.

Your last meeting implied that was the end of it.

There didn't need to be anymore communication beyond that.

It will get easier in time.

[Acacia98]

19 hours ago, Hooked said:

 What a disastrous way to suddenly end what I thought was a beautiful relationship heading towards marriage. My heart is shattered.

 It sounds like the breaking up process also had an impact on her. For your sake, I'm glad she tried to break up with you in a way that would allow you to understand why the relationship ended and to walk away with dignity. Too many people simply ghost their partners and expect them to figure out they've been dumped. So the person who makes the effort to sit down, talk, explain, listen to your questions, etc. is exceptional. And I imagine it's not easy to be that person. I'm guessing the process of breaking up also had an impact on her and that she gave as much as she could give. But by the time you were asking that last question, she probably had nothing left to give, so she responded brusquely.

I'm sorry because I know it hurts. Allow yourself to grieve the end of the relationship. It's okay to be human and to feel heartbroken and needy now. Allowing yourself to feel those emotions and processing them will enable you to heal eventually.

[salparadise]

3 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

So the person who makes the effort to sit down, talk, explain, listen to your questions, etc. is exceptional. And I imagine it's not easy to be that person.

Yes, the dumper and dumpee are in different places emotionally. The dumpee is left in shock with a profound sense of loss and disorientation. The dumper lost feelings of attachment some time before and processed it all gradually as they decided. At the point you were informed, she was already moving on. Meeting with you was gracious of her, but your continued questioning was probably interfering with her need to relegate it to the past and look forward. I had one end the relationship with a text, and then refused to even talk on the phone –– and this was a grownup woman. She got angry when I objected to the text and unwillingness to even speak. 

I'm sorry this happened to you. I know it's hard when it comes as such a surprise like that. Give yourself time to grieve and understand that your feelings are normal and will subside with time. Be active, treat yourself well and take care.

[Hooked]

6 hours ago, JTSW said:

If she had answered your last question it wouldn't have changed anything.

It wouldn't have made it any easier or better.

Deep down I just think you weren't ready to let go.

She wasn't being cold or heartless.

Your last meeting implied that was the end of it.

There didn't need to be anymore communication beyond that.

It will get easier in time.

I'm just fundamentally against ignoring people. There's no reason she couldn't have responded that she didn't wish to talk anymore. Ignoring someone is disrespectful af and conveys that the person being ignored isn't worth a second of your time. Doing it to me in that situation when I was in agony is even worse. 

[stillafool]

2 minutes ago, Hooked said:

I'm just fundamentally against ignoring people. There's no reason she couldn't have responded that she didn't wish to talk anymore. Ignoring someone is disrespectful af and conveys that the person being ignored isn't worth a second of your time. Doing it to me in that situation when I was in agony is even worse. 

She gave you more than a second of her time to try to help you process the breakup.  You continue to have more questions for her and at some point she had to put a stop to it and move on with her life.  Now that is what she's doing.  Continuing to respond to you is not helping her move on and it's not helping you either because you still want more of her time.  It's time to let her go and deal with the breakup on your own or with the help of a counselor if you're struggling.

[Hooked]

I assume all of y'all think it'd be a bad idea to send one more text apologizing about pestering her, maybe explaining that I wasn't myself due to the grief, and thanking her for the work she did to help me find closure? I'd just really like to leave things on a pleasant note like how we left it at the meeting, but I think even texting this might bother her. 

[stillafool]

No don't contact her again.  It's time to let go.  If you send that message and she doesn't respond you will feel awful.  Just let her go.

[Hooked]

Just now, stillafool said:

She gave you more than a second of her time to try to help you process the breakup.  You continue to have more questions for her and at some point she had to put a stop to it and move on with her life.  Now that is what she's doing.  Continuing to respond to you is not helping her move on and it's not helping you either because you still want more of her time.  It's time to let her go and deal with the breakup on your own or with the help of a counselor if you're struggling.

Why not respond and say that she's done answering questions? I can't think of any reason why ignoring someone is acceptable when you haven't conveyed that you're not willing to talk anymore. The fact that she already went above and beyond certainly justifies not answering anything further, but it doesn't justify ignoring me. 

[Hooked]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

No don't contact her again.  It's time to let go.  If you send that message and she doesn't respond you will feel awful.  Just let her go.

I wouldn't expect any response. It'd be purely to let her know I regret pushing and to not leave things on a sour note. 

[Wiseman2]

34 minutes ago, Hooked said:

Why not respond and say that she's done answering questions? 

Not responding is a response. She simply doesn't want to keep dragging it out or encourage you to do so.. Step back and let the dust settle. Resist the urge to keep contacting her.

[Hooked]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Not responding is a response. She simply doesn't want to keep dragging it out or encourage you to do so.. Step back and let the dust settle. Resist the urge to keep contacting her.

Thanks, I will. 

[flitzanu]

23 hours ago, Hooked said:

Yeah I understand. I would've totally understood her saying that she was done answering questions since she went above and beyond with the meeting. That would've been that. And what you said about me thinking of more and more questions is probably true. But there's just no excuse for ignoring me in that situation IMO. I just want and expect to be treated with respect by someone to whom I gave so much. 

that's the thing, there IS reason and excuse to ignore you in that situation, she dumped you.  that means she made the decision to no longer have you in her life.  you expecting her to respond any time you contacted her is out the window after she ended the arrangement.

yes it sucks, and it hurts when this happens, but that's ultimately the reality in these situations.