A most difficult breakup to process

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, Hooked said:

Why not respond and say that she's done answering questions? I can't think of any reason why ignoring someone is acceptable when you haven't conveyed that you're not willing to talk anymore. The fact that she already went above and beyond certainly justifies not answering anything further, but it doesn't justify ignoring me. 

Silence is her response that she is no longer answering questions and has moved on.  Ignoring is the same as not answering questions or talking.  She has begun NO CONTACT with you so she can move on.

[JTSW]

16 hours ago, Hooked said:

I'm just fundamentally against ignoring people. There's no reason she couldn't have responded that she didn't wish to talk anymore. Ignoring someone is disrespectful af and conveys that the person being ignored isn't worth a second of your time. Doing it to me in that situation when I was in agony is even worse. 

You really need to let it go.

You wanted a response because you don't want to let go.

15 hours ago, Hooked said:

I assume all of y'all think it'd be a bad idea to send one more text apologizing about pestering her, maybe explaining that I wasn't myself due to the grief, and thanking her for the work she did to help me find closure? I'd just really like to leave things on a pleasant note like how we left it at the meeting, but I think even texting this might bother her. 

Perfect example of not wanting to let go.

She doesn't want you to communicate anymore so why would you want to keep sending messages.

It makes you sound obsessive and desperate.

[Hooked]

On 3/16/2023 at 1:18 PM, flitzanu said:

that's the thing, there IS reason and excuse to ignore you in that situation, she dumped you.  that means she made the decision to no longer have you in her life.  you expecting her to respond any time you contacted her is out the window after she ended the arrangement.

yes it sucks, and it hurts when this happens, but that's ultimately the reality in these situations.  

It's not how I treat people. 

[Hooked]

12 hours ago, JTSW said:

You really need to let it go.

You wanted a response because you don't want to let go.

Perfect example of not wanting to let go.

She doesn't want you to communicate anymore so why would you want to keep sending messages.

It makes you sound obsessive and desperate.

Desperate for what? I clearly explained what I wanted to achieve with that text. Which I'm not sending. 

And I wanted a response because being ignored hurts and is disrespectful. I'm sorry you can't understand this. 

Edited March 17, 2023 by Hooked

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Hooked said:

Desperate for what? I clearly explained what I wanted to achieve with that text. Which I'm not sending. 

And I wanted a response because being ignored hurts and is disrespectful. I'm sorry you can't understand this. 

You may as well start getting used to not hearing from her or else you are going to end up hurting yourself and prolonging your healing.  She doesn't owe you any more of her time.

Edited March 17, 2023 by stillafool

[BrinnM]

2 hours ago, Hooked said:

And I wanted a response because being ignored hurts and is disrespectful. I'm sorry you can't understand this. 

I hear you. I got dumped once after 6 years together, and living together for a part of these years. Got sent a breakup message which I never replied to. Why? Because once someone is done, they’re done. There was no use in asking questions. They had  made up their mind and probably had met somebody else. I didn't need to ask questions. I got my s*** together with absolutely no delay, and decided I was done as well. Never talked to him again. Best decision of my life. I am absolutely sure that I would have regretted it - to this day - if I had reached out and asked why and what’s going on and why did you do this to me and what didn’t you like in the relationship and what was missing in the relationship and what could I/we have done differently, & blah blah blah. Was I tempted to ask these questions? Sure as hell I was. Would it have made a difference? Absolutely.Not.

I’m glad I let my head rule over my heart at this point in my life because it was absolutely the right decision to ignore his break up message which wasn’t even conveyed to me in person, and to just cut this person out of my very precious life. I have more interesting things to worry about. He will be fine. I’m finer. 
 

Edited March 17, 2023 by BrinnM

[glows]

I’m hearing a bruised ego with her ignoring you as it’s not how you treat others. You’re indignant and offended and hurt. It sucks to say this but these aren’t uncommon when going through a break up. Dumpers too often feel sick and tired and sometimes confused from time to time. I’m not surprised if she’s kicking herself for not cutting off contact sooner or being more firm. 

What you do in situations like this is be still and feel what you have to feel. If you’re angry and frustrated that’s okay too. Don’t fight it and dwell too much about what should have been. Whatever it is it’s not. Remember that she opted to move on without you. You’re not adding to her life in a way that works for her. The sooner you’re able to process this the quicker you may also see any apology is moot. She broke up with you for bigger reasons than those last words said. It doesn’t really matter in the bigger picture. 

I am sorry you’re hurt. Keep writing if it helps.

[Wiseman2]

On 3/15/2023 at 1:40 PM, Hooked said:

. She said she'd fallen out of love with me over the past month of stressing about the procreation conundrum. Something about her imagining a future with me and not liking it. 

Unfortunately there were only 5 good months of dating and this last month of realizing the incompatibilities 

She was right to let you go and free you to follow your goals of finding a wife and family.

It seems like she felt pressured and you felt disappointed by the impasse. It seems like it was a painful and difficult decision for her, and she needs space to heal.

Edited March 18, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Daniella B]

On 3/16/2023 at 1:53 AM, Ray_xx said:

Hey I am so sorry about this and can feel the emotions whilst reading it. I am female (31) and I was with my ex partner for 4 years. We lived together and he was part of my family (my parents wanted me to marry him) when we first got together it was all connection, loyalty, happiness and chemistry. We also spoke about getting married and potentially having children one day. I woke up one day and didn't love him anymore. The same thing your ex girlfriend has said I pictured a life with him and it wasn't what I wanted. I tried to leave him for two years but he wouldn't let me escape and my family said I would regret it for the rest of my life. I ended up having an affair because of the mental torture and forcement everyone had put on me. Of course I told him and he left in the end and is now happily settled with another. I still to this day wish him well but I do not regret a single moment of my choices and leaving him. Heartbrake is the WORST emotion in the world but timing is a healer and timing is what will make everything better for you. The girl has said to you she does not see a future anymore and you MUST respect her choice and let her move on with her life. It's tough but people are married 30 years and split up. It's part of human nature and what we all must go through within our journeys. I wish you the best but have self respect and respect for someone you cared for deeply, and let her go.  She does not want children (nor do I) and I would expect the person I settle with to accept that or change paths as I believe you should. Take care and stay strong. x

 

On 3/16/2023 at 1:40 AM, Hooked said:

Inevitable breakup that dumper made infinitely more painful for me than was necessary

I thought we had an amazing relationship. Hadn't fought or really had the slightest friction in 6 months together.

One day she (34) tells me (39m) that she's decided she doesn't want to ever have kids, which is something I want and we discussed briefly early on. I had no indication she was opposed to it. I was pretty put out about the whole thing. We talked it out and cried about the impasse. I thought I had a really tough decision on my hands: do I want to sacrifice having kids or give up who I felt was my forever girl?

We kissed passionately that night and were intimate over the course of the weekend. After I went home that Sunday, she broke up with me on the phone. She said she'd fallen out of love with me over the past month of stressing about the procreation conundrum. Something about her imagining a future with me and not liking it. Lovely.

For that first week of the breakup, she responded to texts and calls to discuss her decision she offer me closure. She even met up with me a week later so we could have a proper face to face discussion and goodbye. I was extremely hurt and confused about the breakup, but I appreciated her graciousness.

At the meeting, she revealed that she also wasn't sure she wanted to get married again. I was like wtf, did you ever think about this s*** before getting on Bumble and making me, a guy who wants marriage and kids, to fall hard for you? She was at least apologetic about failing to be sure about these things. At least she figured it out now, I guess. 

Two days after that last meeting, I felt like I had one more question to ask her to get to 100% closure. It was simply asking her to please answer one last question, which was asking her to confirm that she fell out of love due to imagining some kind of bleak future with me, which is what I thought she had told me but wasn't sure about. She ignored that text. It was the first time she'd ever not responded for 24 hrs or anywhere near that. I sent a followup text which was also ignored. Then a day later I sent a very mildly worded rebuke for ignoring me instead of simply saying she didn't want to talk or answer any more questions, adding that ghosting me was unnecessarily hurtful and disrespectful. I had treated her like a princess. That got her to respond. She told me I "need to back off" and that she didn't owe me anything else.

I didn't think I could be hurt any worse than what the breakup had done, but her ignoring me and telling me to back off threw me deep down into grief. That wasn't a person I recognized. And why didn't she just tell me she didn't want to talk anymore? That's not asking a whole lot.

It's such a difficult breakup to process. On the one hand I feel like it was mutual, because we both now knew we wouldn't be viable long term. But her ending it and adding on the loss of feelings for me really hit me hard. It's impossible to process that someone who I thought loved me a lot had managed to fall out of love with me yet couldn't tell me anything I did that was wrong or unattractive. She also said during the breakup that I was the smartest person she's met, fun and very attractive. The only issues were kids and marriage.

It's amazing how much harder she made this on me than it needed to be. I can't take the intense feelings of abandonment arising from the shocking and sudden revelation of the issue and the breakup, as well as from refusing to communicate with me anymore. And I don't know how to feel about her handling of the closure thing. It was very gracious to meet me in person, but to then coldly cut me off without warning feels really shitty. If she had just told me she didn't want to communicate any further after the final meeting, I would have accepted that and not sent my final question. 

What a disastrous way to suddenly end what I thought was a beautiful relationship heading towards marriage. My heart is shattered.

Hi,

I'm very sorry to hear that this has happened to you. I am going through a very similar situation as we speak. My boyfriend of 4 months ended things out of the blue and decided that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship, maybe ever, doesn’t want marriage or kids or any commitment. I didn’t believe any of this because our relationship was every bit perfect as I had wanted it. We too met on bumble like you and your ex.

I have reached out a few times and been shut down. He’s cold and almost hostile towards me and I don’t know why when I’ve done nothing wrong, and like you I also can’t recognise my ex because this isn’t the person I know. It feels incredibly hurtful to be treated this way so I can empathise with you completely.

This is hard on me because the break up didn’t just come as a shock to me, but our friends and family who have told me how in love he was with me.

I think it’s best to give your ex space and not contact her again. It’ll only make her more angry and dislike you even further. You want her to remember you as the person she fell in love with, so as not to jeopardise the chance of her potentially reaching out again in the future once she’s done some reflecting.
Focus on healing yourself. 

[JTSW]

On 3/17/2023 at 9:55 PM, Hooked said:

being ignored hurts and is disrespectful.

It's not disrespectful when she told you to back off.

It's disrespectful to go against her wishes and continue to text her.

On 3/17/2023 at 9:55 PM, Hooked said:

I'm sorry you can't understand this. 

I understand perfectly fine.

You cannot let go.

[Acacia98]

On 3/18/2023 at 12:54 AM, Hooked said:

It's not how I treat people. 

The thing is, Hooked, she isn't you. She's not going to behave like you believe you would or react like you believe you would. It's important to accept that because you can't control another person's behavior. You can only control your own response toward that behavior.

Now, I know that what I'm going to say next may sound a bit unkind, but it's not meant to be: it may be for the best that she treated you the way she did at the end because it's forced you to recognize that there's a side to her that you don't like. Hopefully, that will help you disengage from her because that is ultimately what one must do when a relationship ends.

Edited March 22, 2023 by Acacia98