Sorry for the long post frank advise welcomed

[sidcarlton]

When I was nine I was besotted by the new girl in the school.I lived in a small village and everytime I saw her I would go bright red and feel fient my brain would go haywire and I couldn’t string a sentence together. This resulted in for nearly a year planning my whole exitence on trying to avoid her at all costs.

We moved as a teenager near the top of my class with pretty girls interested I thought life was going to be brilliant I couldn’t wait.

My first breakdown was after crashing out of university finally falling in love, with my not entirely single housemate sarah who being in love with used to make my brain trickle with pleasure. However it came to a head on one night and I cracked like a mental eg I said at the time it seemed like giant points had changed and the train was now bound to a different destination. Years later at the suggestion of a works collegue I did the autism qutiont calculator and scored a 33 with honest answers. That time I lost my fledgling business as a graphic designer.

It took me a few years to pick myself up after that in the next decade I even managed to have one or 2 girlfriends for one reason or another nowt more than a year but there were no hard feelings and yes they were sexual I enjoyed sex I even bought myself a house. However I did try internet dating but only went on 2 dates they were nerve wracking frightfull affairs that I then had to spend time feeling humiliated when they got on the same bus as me or went to see the same play. 

   However on one night I went to a rave and some young lass asked me for my number and we went on nice dates.However the sexual nervousness crept in again and it ended badly although not so badly that we didn’t speak. I really liked her but she was a bit too young for a serious relationship. However I ended up thinking I was getting messages from her at open mic nights started writing my own weirdly religious songs in responseincluding a train song  and ended up in some cosmic dual which resulted in me nearly losing my job and being unable to afford to live in or rent rooms out to lodgers in my house so I had to move out and rent it out as a whole.

It being a weirdly religious expetence I looked for some sort of guidance and this lady appeared she was my age she had her own house and due to developing fibromyalgea she needed help a partner so she could go more part time. I was worn out with the whole religious conlict and it seemed like a sign. We were both religious by that time and sex before marriage was a no go although she did get pissed a couple of times and we had sex. At first I was charmed by the fact that she could watch the same 3 films time after time but after a while I began to feel that my life was ebbing away watching 3 films so I took to pursuing a few hobbies of my own. After a few years I was forced due to possibility of job losses changes in mortgage terms to sell my house. So we got married partially to offer myself some protection as I needed to pay her half of her house off without her kicking me out. It did not change her position on sex. In fact she has now refined that to no sex before death for either of us and was even wanting to put that in her will until I pointed out that I don't think its possible. We have been together 14 years now when I first started going out with her I drove past her and her mother embroiled in some semiphysical fight screaming at each other and always had the destinct impression that I was "placed" there to fulfill the role of her dex=ceased father inm keeping the peace in the family. No human being could have possibly left them alone together in life indeed I did have my concerns when I left them together for a few hours. However there were many times when they were great together just things could get hot tempered at times. My now wife is an only child and while no fault of her own carries many of the ty[pical hallmarks.Her mum is an inegral part of her family unit and it is hard on my wife as her mother is very contrlling to the point where she has to hide the fact of her going out in the evening.

Anyway as a role while hardwork it was relatively undemanding and perfect for my relatively endless patience. As I child I would have an ability to look around me at what was available and make the best of my local environment.

Over the years I had the occasional admirer one or two who said I was sexy. However I always pushed them away including one of my few ex girlfriends. I'm a very poor liar and tended to picture the catastrophic impact and fallout from any infedelity rather than any particular religious thing although it was a consideration.

There were times when there were medical scares and I have to admit to the odd surge of joy when it looked like my wife might be ill. Later I had the odd surge of joy when I thought I might get something that would kill me.

But I played the part kept the piece went on the holidays she wanted to go on went to the places she wanted. I worked part time and had one day to myself where I would go for long hikes or do my music I lived for that day. However it wasn’t like being lonely and we got along ok  in fact I think she thought she had met her perfect partner.

I inherited some money which with my share of the house would have been enough for me to get a place of my own but it would have left her in a bad position so I thought about it but decided against.

In fact I was largely happy/resigned to my lot with some vague sense of hope that something would turn up.

I indulged myself during lockdown to attempting the penine way something I had always felt I would love to do but felt 3 weeks off on a holiday for me was an indulgence on my part. Anyway it was covid so I did it my wife said she had never felt so humiliated.

Her mother had a stroke and while this resulted in a lot more work it is rewarding and we both love her mother and never has my role as peacekeeper been more important. However it resulted in a few things she got some money from another source meaning if I left she would be ok (Id spent most of mine on some homeless guy we had taken under our wing who had somehow made himself to america but then been stuck due to covid with no support).

I also aquired a stalker/admirer associated singing songs at an open mic and I wrote her a train song without any idea she was looking at my songs or at the time that I had an admirer. Of course I coulnt do anything after 14 years I'm hardly going to run off with someone while her mothers going senile/dying.

However it has left me with an odd sense that that hope I had felt I had just watched go by however unlikely it might seem. That at the age of 51 I was sat looking at a long empty road when her mother died of living with an inreasigly controlling wife (like her mother) of going on the holidays she wanted to go on and the coffeee shops she wanted to go to and when I met my now only couple of friends once a month down the local not particularly kicking pub of me departing the house with don’t bother coming back I'll change the locks ringing in my ear as happened not so long ago. I have long ago lost my female friends she never banned me she just made life so diffiicult with accusations of there children being mine etc that I just stopped bothering.

However if Ieave I could still go to my rural town parents who may need a live in carer in 7-8 years or I rent spending most of my income on rent and bills so I don’t have the money to go out.

However there is a part of me that really desires physical intimacy and even though the chances seem slim if I go if I stay they are zero. I would however have a warm comfy bed and enough money to buy enough alcohol to drown my copious sorrows. Then I think I am expecting too much out of life and should be happy with my lot/role and thank myself that I am not the lonely man on the bus telling a complete stranger that its his birthday today.

[Wiseman2]

15 minutes ago, sidcarlton said:

 I would however have a warm comfy bed and enough money to buy enough alcohol to drown my copious sorrows. 

If the cost of living is too high, consider extra work and possibly returning to your hometown. Reflect if drinking is a problem at this point.

Perhaps you could get information and support here:

https://www.aa.org/self-assessment

[Els]

On 3/16/2023 at 10:10 AM, sidcarlton said:

(Id spent most of mine on some homeless guy we had taken under our wing who had somehow made himself to america but then been stuck due to covid with no support).

I just.... what????