Should I stay or should I go ? Husband and I are having financial issues

[Georgiapeach42]

My husband and I have been married for almost two years  and For the last few months , my husband can’t seem to get it together  with his finances . I am pretty much taking care of all the bills for the household . As of now , I pay the entire  rent ,   car note , car insurance , cable , AND food and toiletries while he pays for Nothing . 
 

 I’m getting frustrated because my husband doesn’t want to do better with his life . He currently drives for Lyft rideshare  full time and Uber , but got fired from Uber due to customer complaints He complaines  he doesn’t make that much money but I try to suggest other employment but he  just shuts me down .
 

Whenever I try to suggest  other employment , even start his own business . He basiclaly tells me he will not work a normal 9to 5 , because it’s not “Gods purpose “ and he will not be confined to a work schedule and to add  because I am not a fully obedient wife he will not work hard to support me . When I ask him what does he mean by “obdient “ he just goes on to say “I do not obey “ . And we should downsize  and live in a cheap hotel in the area .he has even suggested living in a car which I refuse .

 

 In addition ,  He refuses to tell me how much money he makes , and or the bills he has to pay every month So I really have no idea , how much money he makes from Lyft and or the bills he pays on a monthly basis and or the reason for the issues with his finances .I don’t have access to his bank accounts / debit cards / credit cards and when I ask him he shuts Me down and refuses to show me any bank statements or pay check stubs .

 

One of my dreams is to buy a home , he basically told me he Is not sure if he can contribute to the mortgage every month so to make sure when I do buy a home to make sure  I can pay the mortgage on my own and without his help  because his income is not stable . 
 

Our marriage is on its last leg standing .  I didn’t sign up for this . I don’t know what to do . Should I stay or hang in there with my broke Loser of a husband . 

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, Georgiapeach42 said:

  .I don’t have access to his bank accounts / debit cards / credit cards and when I ask him he shuts Me down and refuses to show me any bank statements or pay check stubs 

Please contact an accountant and an attorney. Do not threaten divorce or tell him you're speaking to an attorney. Discuss your situation and see what your options are.

Ask about the legality of hiding assets and what you can do about it.  Perhaps ask the attorney about a forensic accountant.

Marriage is a legally binding contract including financial responsibilities and joint ownership of debts and assets. Do you file taxes? Have you checked your bank accounts, your credit cards and your credit scores? 

 

[understand50]

Georgiapeach42,

Well the two main causes of marriage break ups are infidelity, and finances.  In your case, taking you at your word, it does not seem your spouse is a partner, nor does he see the marriage as a sharing thing. From your description, he has mental issues, as one does not aspire to live in a car. I would suggest Marriage and individual counseling, but that does have real costs.  Costs you probably do not have.

My take is that your husband does not consider himself married, and does not consider you his wife.  His idea that you do not obey, so that lets him off the marriage deal, is weird.  What was his attitude before you got married?  From what you told me, you need to leave and start life with a man who know what it is to be married, and knows you have to support each other.

My two cents.

 

[BrinnM]

What the heck. Neither do your guys’ life goals align, nor does your husband respect you. I’m surprised you’re not already outta there. There’s no love and support from him. You could do so much better on your own. 

Edited March 16, 2023 by BrinnM

[NuevoYorko]

What would be any reason for you to remain in this marriage?

[ExpatInItaly]

How is this even a question?

Divorce this man. Speak to a lawyer today to get the wheels in motion. 

[Els]

Wow, this guy doesn't just have a few screws loose - he's got an entire hardware store's worth of them clattering around up there.

You need to leave, obviously. But first, you need to hire a lawyer.

[JTSW]

The answer is simple, get the hell out of there.

Get well away from this POS.

You know that you can't live like this. 

As Wiseman suggested, consult with an attorney and explore what your options are.

Make sure you have a separate bank account that he cannot access where you can keep your money.

Do not cater to him any longer.

He doesn't sound right in the head.

[stillafool]

What was his work history like before you married him?  It's hard for me to believe he was a hard worker and just became lazy after marriage.  Is that what happened?

[Georgiapeach42]

56 minutes ago, stillafool said:

What was his work history like before you married him?  It's hard for me to believe he was a hard worker and just became lazy after marriage.  Is that what happened?

While we dated , he worked a part time data entry job at the time he lived in a office space , filthy nasty , no restroom , hundreds of boxes everywhere ,clothes , I just couldn’t believe someone would live like that . Just disgusting come to find out , he had been living there for about three years . Office management found out and evicted him  . Prior to that , he  explained to me he used to be a solar panel installer in Miami but left the industry because he didn’t like that type of work .
 

So he just upped and quit his job with three kids and a wife at the time left the country and moved to some third world country island  to build a house .
His wife and kids stayed behind and had to live with his parents . About a year later , after he returned , his wife refused to move   To the islands , and they divorced shortly thereafter . 

 

[Georgiapeach42]

12 hours ago, S2B said:

Have you asked him how he figures he’s being a great partner to you?

how does he explain the vows he takes and the way he isn’t honoring you?

I ve asked him several times , his response is “that’s not in the Bible “ a wife must obey her husband  end of story 

[stillafool]

24 minutes ago, Georgiapeach42 said:

While we dated , he worked a part time data entry job at the time he lived in a office space , filthy nasty , no restroom , hundreds of boxes everywhere ,clothes , I just couldn’t believe someone would live like that . Just disgusting come to find out , he had been living there for about three years . Office management found out and evicted him  .

Why would you marry someone like that?  Surely finding out a man who quit his job with a wife and 3 kids who is living in squalor is not a good candidate for marriage.

[ShyViolet]

Are you kidding?  This is one of the worst things I've ever heard.  Why on earth have you not gotten out of this marriage already?  You need to start making plans to end this marriage immediately.  This guy is a complete loser and it's not going to get better.

I'm going to guess there were probably red flags with him that you ignored before marrying this guy.

[BaileyB]

How exactly is it “God’s purpose” that you would be responsible to pay all the bills for your disrespectful and financially irresponsible husband. Just saying…

Edited March 16, 2023 by BaileyB

[Oldenuff2know]

19 hours ago, Georgiapeach42 said:

because I am not a fully obedient wife he will not work hard to support me

You're not asking him to support YOU. You're asking him to do his fair share! That would be the end of the marriage for me! If he shows absolutely no signs of cooperating with you, then I would say you're in for a life time of regret and heartache if you stay with this man. 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Georgiapeach42 said:

 he just upped and quit his job with three kids and a wife at the time left the country and moved to some third world country island  to build a house .

This, and squatting in an office building, are signs that he'll  perpetually be a serious liability. A divorce ASAP could help you avert the damages he seems to do when he blows through people's lives like a hurricane.

[Els]

6 hours ago, Georgiapeach42 said:

While we dated , he worked a part time data entry job at the time he lived in a office space , filthy nasty , no restroom , hundreds of boxes everywhere ,clothes , I just couldn’t believe someone would live like that . Just disgusting come to find out , he had been living there for about three years . Office management found out and evicted him  . Prior to that , he  explained to me he used to be a solar panel installer in Miami but left the industry because he didn’t like that type of work .
 

So he just upped and quit his job with three kids and a wife at the time left the country and moved to some third world country island  to build a house .
His wife and kids stayed behind and had to live with his parents . About a year later , after he returned , his wife refused to move   To the islands , and they divorced shortly thereafter . 

 

Sorry, but my mind is kinda blown that you knew all of this while dating... and still married him. What on earth???

[ShyViolet]

9 hours ago, Georgiapeach42 said:

While we dated , he worked a part time data entry job at the time he lived in a office space , filthy nasty , no restroom , hundreds of boxes everywhere ,clothes , I just couldn’t believe someone would live like that . Just disgusting come to find out , he had been living there for about three years . Office management found out and evicted him  . Prior to that , he  explained to me he used to be a solar panel installer in Miami but left the industry because he didn’t like that type of work .
 

So he just upped and quit his job with three kids and a wife at the time left the country and moved to some third world country island  to build a house .
His wife and kids stayed behind and had to live with his parents . About a year later , after he returned , his wife refused to move   To the islands , and they divorced shortly thereafter 

What were you thinking marrying this person?  Do you have really low self-esteem, or is something off with your judgment?  This has been a really dysfunctional situation since way before you got married.

[JTSW]

18 hours ago, Georgiapeach42 said:

While we dated , he worked a part time data entry job at the time he lived in a office space , filthy nasty , no restroom , hundreds of boxes everywhere ,clothes , I just couldn’t believe someone would live like that . Just disgusting come to find out , he had been living there for about three years . Office management found out and evicted him  . Prior to that , he  explained to me he used to be a solar panel installer in Miami but left the industry because he didn’t like that type of work .
 

So he just upped and quit his job with three kids and a wife at the time left the country and moved to some third world country island  to build a house .
His wife and kids stayed behind and had to live with his parents . About a year later , after he returned , his wife refused to move   To the islands , and they divorced shortly thereafter . 

 

What was the attraction?

I'm baffled.

He's a total waste of oxygen and a bum yet you still married him.

Why?

[lonelyplanetmoon]

You have to divorce this crazy person asap pronto. Do not delay. He is using you and abusing you.  This is not even a question.

Please protect yourself.

[glows]

At this point I’d be hiring a private detective as I’m not too sure the marriage may be legitimate. What are the chances he’s got another wife or multiple wives where this is not legal? I’d also be seeing a lawyer about options. I would not discuss any of the above. The time for discussions are over. 

I agree with the earlier comment that he doesn’t seem to consider himself married to you but the brazen attitude makes me pause and really question whether this marriage was valid at all to start. 

The comment from him about obeying sounds a bit archaic, maybe something out of a medieval tome or thousands of years old. Did he just crawl out of a crypt? Why is this so foreign to you? Did you know each other well before “marrying”?

[Will am I]

On 3/16/2023 at 1:10 AM, Georgiapeach42 said:

Whenever I try to suggest  other employment , even start his own business . He basiclaly tells me he will not work a normal 9to 5 , because it’s not “Gods purpose “ and he will not be confined to a work schedule and to add  because I am not a fully obedient wife he will not work hard to support me . When I ask him what does he mean by “obdient “ he just goes on to say “I do not obey “ . And we should downsize  and live in a cheap hotel in the area .he has even suggested living in a car which I refuse .

This man sure has a remarkable set of religious beliefs.

BIG red flag right here.

He apparently has a problem working a 9 to 5 job. But according to the backstory, he also has other ideas about the non-standard way he needs to live his life. For example the house on the 3rd world island. And he roots these ideas on how to live his life in his religious beliefs. This means that he's probably convinced that he's doing the right thing. Worse: the only right thing.

I don't see how anyone could live together with him.

[Alpacalia]

What's his idea of what is "God's purpose?"

And yes, you should leave.

He has some unusual beliefs about work and obedience.

Do NOT agree to living in a cheap hotel or a car. 

Your husband has a serious problem.

Get the ball rolling. Start getting your finances in order and look for safe places to stay whether that's with family, friends, or a shelter. Remember, it's only temporary until you figure out what your next move is.

[Wiseman2]

On 3/15/2023 at 8:10 PM, Georgiapeach42 said:

 .he has even suggested living in a car which I refuse.

Try to sever things asap. If he wants to live in his car, let him.

[Lotsgoingon]

Sorry and this is painful I know, but you need to dump this guy for sure. 

Just bite the bullet and admit that the marriage was a mistake or even if it wasn't a mistake there is no fixing it now given how spectacularly dumb and self-centered his answers are to you. Not letting you see his accounts--that's a divorce offense right there.  What are you his employee?

And next time, you want to do a bit better job of screening who you marry. It's embarrassing to divorce so early, but sometimes it is the smart thing to do and the right think to do and the only sane thing to do. 

This guy's responses indicate he's not a serious marriage partner. He's a narrow-minded jerk. I'm sure he has great qualities. I am sure he does and you married him for those good qualities. But now you know the truth: being a responsive, kind, mature husband is not one of his great qualities. And he's bad on multiple fronts. 

Proceed with dumping him.