Should I stay or should I go ? Husband and I are having financial issues

[Georgiapeach42]

Update :  May husband and I talked about our issues  . He has agreed to give me 30 percent of his earnings . So far he has given about 50.00 dollars this week for the rent . His explanation is he spent 500.00 dollars on our anniversary . Our anniversary was March 20th , he bought me flowers and  we went to dinner , but we didn’t have sex or anything like that afterwards . I just wonder is there hope , I  still feel like I am financially taking care of a grown adult . This week I bought all the groceries  for this week , toiletries , dry cleaning, credit card bills,Uber eats , ( yes I pay for our dining out ) etc smh .And he refuses to try to get a better job . Lyft rideshare just isn’t cutting it anymore. Not sure how much he makes because again he refuses to show me his paystub and bank statements  .
In addition to our intimacy issues ,we haven’t had sex in over seven months , smh .

Can a man really go without sex for seven months . Our relationship lacks intimacy on top of the financial issues . While at the same time I do appreciate he is trying to pay  something towards the rent and I appeciate the anniversary dinner and flowers . I need help , I know I make much more than he does.  Just to put  in perspective , our rent is 2200 . He hasn’t paid his potion of the rent since January 2023  . So again I’am paying the majority of the rent and ovee expenses , on the other hand ,  he does nice things for me from time to time . I’m just so conflicted

[Georgiapeach42]

5 minutes ago, S2B said:

I notice he didn’t say he would pay any certain dollar amount per month you can depend on. $50 a week won’t cut it. 

have him leave. File for divorce. You’ll be better off not having him mooch off of you.

Nope he won’t commit to agreeing to pay a certain dollar amount . I don’t know what happenned , why all of a sudden it’s an issue with him paying half of the rent . He used to give me money for the car note , that stopped over a year ago . I even tried to get him a job at my company , he refuses  to apply . His reasoning for not applying is “it’s not GODs purpose “

[Els]

58 minutes ago, Georgiapeach42 said:

Nope he won’t commit to agreeing to pay a certain dollar amount . I don’t know what happenned , why all of a sudden it’s an issue with him paying half of the rent . He used to give me money for the car note , that stopped over a year ago . I even tried to get him a job at my company , he refuses  to apply . His reasoning for not applying is “it’s not GODs purpose “

Soooooooooooooooooo what are you going to do about this???

I don't think there's any point in talking further about what your husband is or isn't doing. What are YOU going to do?

[Georgiapeach42]

To add insult to injury . I just found out he lied about where he grew up and the high school he graduated from . Why lie about something like that ..smh just terrible 

[ShyViolet]

2 minutes ago, Georgiapeach42 said:

To add insult to injury . I just found out he lied about where he grew up and the high school he graduated from . Why lie about something like that ..smh just terrible 

Ok it's already been established since you first made this post over two weeks ago that this man is a pathological liar, hides things from you constantly, has no intentions of having a healthy, normal partnership with you.  It is not going to get better.  No amount of "talking" to him is going to solve anything.  When are you going to stop complaining about what a terrible husband he is, and actually take the good advice that has been given to you here?  

[spiderowl]

7 hours ago, Georgiapeach42 said:

To add insult to injury . I just found out he lied about where he grew up and the high school he graduated from . Why lie about something like that ..smh just terrible 

Sadly, you need to question everything this guy has told you. It could be he is earning money and it is being spent elsewhere. I hate to imply ‘affair’ but he is not having sex with you and he has strange beliefs about how you should obey him. He likes to be in charge and when he isn’t, he may feel he has the right to break any marriage rules. In fact, he already has broken unwritten rules by not paying his fair share.

Your feelings matter too. If you do not feel loved, cared for and supported in this marriage, then you have no moral obligation to stick with it.

Your husband lied about something fundamental - the school he went to. There is not even a need to lie about such a thing. If he lied about that, he has a deceitful character. Do not trust him. I suggest you follow Wiseman’s advice and get control of your finances away from him and, if you can afford it, check his background out. You could do this yourself on the internet. I have a feeling he is hiding more. He obviously does not respect you. You deserve full honesty and loving support. He will never meet your needs.

 

[Will am I]

15 hours ago, Georgiapeach42 said:

Nope he won’t commit to agreeing to pay a certain dollar amount . I don’t know what happenned , why all of a sudden it’s an issue with him paying half of the rent . He used to give me money for the car note , that stopped over a year ago . I even tried to get him a job at my company , he refuses  to apply . His reasoning for not applying is “it’s not GODs purpose “

He keeps circling back to Gods' purpose as an excuse for inactivity.

His idea of God's purpose for his life is probably for him to sit on his ass and wait for God to give him a tailored purpose.

Apparently the parts where the Bible gives general instructions, callings and purposes, those do not cut it for him. He seems to wait for something else, maybe something bigger or more personally tailored and maybe something more comfortable.

I think he is exhibiting the characteristics of a religious fanatic and I have no idea how deep this rabit hole goes. 

[JTSW]

17 hours ago, Georgiapeach42 said:

I’m just so conflicted

What are you conflicted about?

He's a deadbeat lying lazy loser.

He's never going to change.

He is hiding things from you.

He lies and treats you like crap.

You pay for everything.

So tell me what are you conflicted about?

No-one in their right mind would put up with this.

[Alpacalia]

On 3/15/2023 at 5:10 PM, Georgiapeach42 said:

Our marriage is on its last leg standing .  I didn’t sign up for this . I don’t know what to do . Should I stay or hang in there with my broke Loser of a husband . 

Your husband is not open to making any changes to improve his financial situation. 

If he is not open to making changes, you need to take the lead and make changes on your own.

[spiderowl]

4 hours ago, JTSW said:

What are you conflicted about?

He's a deadbeat lying lazy loser.

He's never going to change.

He is hiding things from you.

He lies and treats you like crap.

You pay for everything.

So tell me what are you conflicted about?

No-one in their right mind would put up with this.

It is so much easier for those of us looking at this from the outside. Every abuser or user has a good side too. In a relationship, we tend to see the good side and can’t believe that the bad side goes with it. Surely this person who treats me kindly on occasions can’t be totally shiftless? People are rarely all bad or all good, but there is a very heavy weight dragging the poor OP down. Things are highly unlikely to get any better, OP, your husband’s attitudes to women and strange religious beliefs preclude this. Look at things on balance. He is dragging you down not up.

[Georgiapeach42]

Update : so he left to go to work last night Lyft was giving out bonuses for drivers . As he was leaving , he had a change of clothes in his hands I just casually ask him the reason for the change of clothes . He replied “just in case I get pulled over by the cops” and then left for the night . Didn’t come back home until 5:30 am this morning . Sometimes he works nights which I verified but why the change of clothes ??then when I texted him after he leaves I ask him are we still married “ in a romantic way “ he replied “YES , but why are you always hating on me , I can’t do anything or make any money because you are always questioning me about everything

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, Georgiapeach42 said:

 I texted him after he leaves I ask him are we still married “ in a romantic way “ 

Why did you ask him this? Are you trying to find out if he's cheating?

[Georgiapeach42]

Yes . 

[Georgiapeach42]

Plus I was just curious why he needed a second pair of clothes ..just thought it was weird 

[Weezy1973]

4 hours ago, Georgiapeach42 said:

Plus I was just curious why he needed a second pair of clothes ..just thought it was weird 

So there are so many reasons for you to leave him. But I don’t think you will, even if he is cheating. If he’s stopped having sex with you to have sex with another woman would that be enough for you to leave? 
 

Or do you really not want to do anything at all. Just complain? 

[Georgiapeach42]

Just a quick update ..tried to talk to him about the issues we are having .the whole secrecy with his family ..the issues with no intimacy and Romance for the past nine months . And he still hasn’t changed .he suggested we go on vacation for Memorial Day .. I start to suggest ideas and he tells me “I am only spending 250.00 and you will have to pay the other half or remaining cost” . This was his idea and now he’s asking me to pay half of the vacation costs “ I just told him I don’t want to go now .then in at the same o arms e  I was sitting by him the couch and someone was calling him and he immediately put the phone Down so I couldn’t see who was calling hom  I tried to grab the phone and he told me “don’t worry about my phone mind your own business “so  today I see him pulling up in driveway as I was peeking through the window  I noticed he was not wearing his wedding ring I actually saw him as he put the ring on whole he was sitting on the car then he walked into the house as nothing happenned . Smh 

[ShyViolet]

3 hours ago, Georgiapeach42 said:

Just a quick update ..tried to talk to him about the issues we are having .the whole secrecy with his family ..the issues with no intimacy and Romance for the past nine months . And he still hasn’t changed .he suggested we go on vacation for Memorial Day .. I start to suggest ideas and he tells me “I am only spending 250.00 and you will have to pay the other half or remaining cost” . This was his idea and now he’s asking me to pay half of the vacation costs “ I just told him I don’t want to go now .then in at the same o arms e  I was sitting by him the couch and someone was calling him and he immediately put the phone Down so I couldn’t see who was calling hom  I tried to grab the phone and he told me “don’t worry about my phone mind your own business “so  today I see him pulling up in driveway as I was peeking through the window  I noticed he was not wearing his wedding ring I actually saw him as he put the ring on whole he was sitting on the car then he walked into the house as nothing happenned . Smh 

I'm not sure what the point of this update is.  Nothing has changed, he is still a horrible husband who doesn't respect you and this is still a terrible relationship.  Are you taking any steps to get out of this situation, or do you plan to just continue to stay in it and complain about it every once in a while?

[Will am I]

@georgiapeach

Are you ever going to be a confident, thriving, happy woman in this relationship?

Your situation is heartbreaking and the lack of change or even intention to change in your partner is very discouraging.

I applaud your perseverance but there is a certain minimum standard for how you should be treated. And if your partner consistently fails to meet that, you have no choice but to leave.

I advise you to friend up with strong and independent women and listen closely to their friendly advice. They will guide you through. 

[Alpacalia]

You know something I learned a long time ago is that people rarely want to make real changes and prefer the status quo.

You came here is to ask if you should stay or go.

There is no amount of advice that can save you. In the end, you will have to make your own decisions and live with the consequences. You must trust your own judgement and take a leap of faith. Whatever the outcome, it will be yours to own.

 

 

[Georgiapeach42]

3 hours ago, Will am I said:

@georgiapeach

Are you ever going to be a confident, thriving, happy woman in this relationship?

Your situation is heartbreaking and the lack of change or even intention to change in your partner is very discouraging.

I applaud your perseverance but there is a certain minimum standard for how you should be treated. And if your partner consistently fails to meet that, you have no choice but to leave.

I advise you to friend up with strong and independent women and listen closely to their friendly advice. They will guide you through. 

I really want to make this work . But he won’t meet me half way . I’m 42 I’ll be 43 in a few months . I just feel like he wasted me time . I even suggested he get a different job , I can help him with his resume . His response is “one thing at a time , I am trying to dig myself out of debt right now “ . When I ask him what debt , he refuses to tell me ..so all I can do is assume he is lying ..

[Wiseman2]

38 minutes ago, Georgiapeach42 said:

 . I even suggested he get a different job , I can help him with his resume . “ . When I ask him what debt , he refuses to tell me ..so all I can do is assume he is lying ..

Unfortunately you seem quite upset and provocative as far as arguments, accusations, etc.  You seem to antagonize each other quite a bit.

You're grabbing his phone, you're telling him to get a job, you're trying to redo his resume, you're demanding a postnuptial agreement, you're threatening divorce. Sure, you're angry he's not a good husband, but nagging won't make him a good husband.

Please stop. Yes it takes two however he's not interested and unfortunately you're making it worse. 

Why not focus on your own wellbeing and future? 

[Will am I]

The pattern in his behaviour is deeply etched in. Like @Alpacalia wrote, changing these long standing behavioural patterns is not a very likely outcome.

I’m a little bit more optimistic, I believe that people can change their ways if they are motivated, skilled and persevering.

The problem: I don’t see these factors in your description of your partner.

 

First and foremost, he doesn’t seem motivated to change at all. (and frankly: you have a hand in that because you always let him get away with his nasty ways of treating you).

Then the part about skill: that’s notoriously hard to judge from the outside. He may or may not have skills for self reflection, planning, self discipline. But we can see he’s not showing any skills until now.

And perseverance? He didn’t even make it to the start yet.

 

You’re 42, your life isn’t over. A remarkable number of women make major life changes in their forties. Including divorce and remarriage.

I believe you may have come to a point where being loyal to your partner conflicts with being loyal to yourself. 

Ditch the fear. Stand up for yourself. Make him change his behaviour; and prepare to go solo if he doesn’t come through. Surround yourself with people who will support you when it gets scary.

[Alpacalia]

How can you make a relationship work when your husband ignores you?

All you can do is let your husband know how his behavior makes you feel. There's nothing you can do to force him to do something he doesn't want to do.

This isn't a partnership.

That's the reality of it.

You can try to communicate your feelings to him and hope he will pay attention. However, ultimately, you can't make someone change their behavior. You can only decide if you can accept the situation or if it's time to move on.

[Alpacalia]

On 3/15/2023 at 5:10 PM, Georgiapeach42 said:

He basiclaly tells me he will not work a normal 9to 5 , because it’s not “Gods purpose “ and he will not be confined to a work schedule and to add  because I am not a fully obedient wife he will not work hard to support me .

You're frustrated because you have become more of a sole financial provider. And he's trying all he can to gain his own traction. No, that doesn't include moving the two of you into a car.

It may be that he needs more emotional and practical support from you while he works on getting his career off the ground. Whether he's being secretive for nefarious reasons or just to get you off his back, I don't know. But that's a problem, isn't it? That you're left in the dark.

It's important to understand his motivations and provide the support he needs (within reason) without taking on the entire burden. Those motivations aren't even visible to you.

Ultimately, both of you need to be on the same page.

You're not!

He has already said he will not work a normal 9 to 5, because it’s not “Gods purpose “ and he will not be confined to a work schedule and to add because you're not a fully obedient wife and he will not work hard to support you.

He is adamant about his beliefs and you don't want to be in a position to force him to do something he doesn't want to do.

That's what you're left to work with. Can you?

Maybe what you need to be saying instead, is "peace out!"

Edited May 29, 2023 by Alpacalia

[ExpatInItaly]

11 hours ago, Georgiapeach42 said:

so all I can do is assume he is lying ..

And yet, you stay. 

At some level, you are choosing this. Why?