Should I stay or should I go ? Husband and I are having financial issues

[Will am I]

This reminds me of an ancient Dr. Phil quote:

”we teach people how to treat us”

And honestly, @georgiapeach, you taught your husband that it doesn’t really matter if he treats you like garbage.

I think you may have self esteem issues for accepting this situation to evolve like this. It would be praiseworthy for you to work on self esteem and setting (and maintaining) strong boundaries.

It’s probably been said before but maybe you need to hear it again: you deserve better than this.

[Alpacalia]

Something is happening that’s much bigger and more complicated than your husband’s unwillingness to get a job.

I try to refrain from telling people they have low self-esteem because it puts unnecessary pressure on them to be perfect and successful rather than relying on a definition of “good self-esteem” to compare ourselves to. Treat yourself with kindness and value the personal qualities which make you unique. It's just a social construct, it's not innate. Develop self-compassion and self-acceptance instead.

My dear, you are being abused. Financial and emotional abuse is never acceptable and you deserve better. Do not suffer in silence--speak to someone you trust and make a plan to get out of this situation. There are resources available that can offer you the support and guidance you need. Reach out and take the steps to reclaim your independence and safety.

[Will am I]

On 5/30/2023 at 5:05 PM, Alpacalia said:

try to refrain from telling people they have low self-esteem because it puts unnecessary pressure on them to be perfect and successful rather than relying on a definition of “good self-esteem” to compare ourselves to

insightful, thanks

[NuevoYorko]

On 5/29/2023 at 12:31 PM, Georgiapeach42 said:

I really want to make this work . But he won’t meet me half way . I’m 42 I’ll be 43 in a few months . I just feel like he wasted me time   

??  You wasted your own time.  You chose this man to marry:

Quote

While we dated , he worked a part time data entry job at the time he lived in a office space , filthy nasty , no restroom , hundreds of boxes everywhere ,clothes , I just couldn’t believe someone would live like that . Just disgusting come to find out , he had been living there for about three years . Office management found out and evicted him  .

So, this is who he is.  You're not surprised, surely.

[Els]

On 5/30/2023 at 5:31 AM, Georgiapeach42 said:

I really want to make this work . But he won’t meet me half way . I’m 42 I’ll be 43 in a few months . I just feel like he wasted me time

No, YOU wasted your time by choosing to stay with him for this long. And every day that you remain in this marriage, you are wasting ADDITIONAL time that could have been saved. It's all your choice.

[Wiseman2]

On 5/29/2023 at 3:31 PM, Georgiapeach42 said:

.Should I stay or should I go ? Husband and I are having financial issues

It seems you've made up your mind to stay and support him financially even though you're upset and he doesn't want to cooperate.  

[glows]

On 5/28/2023 at 10:04 AM, Georgiapeach42 said:

Just a quick update ..tried to talk to him about the issues we are having .the whole secrecy with his family ..the issues with no intimacy and Romance for the past nine months . And he still hasn’t changed .he suggested we go on vacation for Memorial Day .. I start to suggest ideas and he tells me “I am only spending 250.00 and you will have to pay the other half or remaining cost” . This was his idea and now he’s asking me to pay half of the vacation costs “ I just told him I don’t want to go now .then in at the same o arms e  I was sitting by him the couch and someone was calling him and he immediately put the phone Down so I couldn’t see who was calling hom  I tried to grab the phone and he told me “don’t worry about my phone mind your own business “so  today I see him pulling up in driveway as I was peeking through the window  I noticed he was not wearing his wedding ring I actually saw him as he put the ring on whole he was sitting on the car then he walked into the house as nothing happenned . Smh 

The question is really what are you doing ..not what is he doing. The marriage seems unfulfilling and there’s no sex. You’re seeing signs of infidelity and you pay the majority of the bills. Some people don’t mind doing that but you’re upset about it and also about a marriage that seems more like a roommate situation.

Do you think there’s hope?

[Georgiapeach42]

8 hours ago, glows said:

The question is really what are you doing ..not what is he doing. The marriage seems unfulfilling and there’s no sex. You’re seeing signs of infidelity and you pay the majority of the bills. Some people don’t mind doing that but you’re upset about it and also about a marriage that seems more like a roommate situation.

Do you think there’s hope?

I don’t know ..almost a year without sex , no romance , on Intimacy ..sleep in different beds/ rooms . Doesn’t talk about his family / children with me . Will not even tell Me there names or show me pictures ..very sad ..there’s no emotional connection anymore ..I don’t know what happenned to us .at least at one point we had a little bit of intimacy but now it’s just gone 

[basil67]

It's notable that each time you're asked what you are doing about this situation, you simply respond with more complaints...but no plans for action.  

What is behind your inertia?  

[NuevoYorko]

What are your plans?  We already know all about him from your descriptions.  Evidently you were okay with all of this when you were dating; now you've changed your mind about what you want in a relationship.  That's fine - we are allowed to change our mind. 

What's your next move? 

[Will am I]

7 hours ago, Georgiapeach42 said:

I don’t know ..almost a year without sex , no romance , on Intimacy ..sleep in different beds/ rooms . Doesn’t talk about his family / children with me . Will not even tell Me there names or show me pictures ..very sad ..there’s no emotional connection anymore ..I don’t know what happenned to us .at least at one point we had a little bit of intimacy but now it’s just gone 

Some of this stuff is so outrageous it’s almost beyond belief.

He won’t tell you his kids’ names? Really? And you’re supposed to be his wife? I know at least a dozen kids’ names from coworkers. Just saying, these are not very intimate data and he’s even keeping that from you?

 

What if you don’t do anything? Things would stay as they are. You would slowly grow older. How would you look back on your life?

Imagine if you did leave? How would you look back on your life?

I have the feeling that option 2 would give a much greater sense of accomplishment and peace.

[glows]

7 hours ago, Georgiapeach42 said:

I don’t know ..almost a year without sex , no romance , on Intimacy ..sleep in different beds/ rooms . Doesn’t talk about his family / children with me . Will not even tell Me there names or show me pictures ..very sad ..there’s no emotional connection anymore ..I don’t know what happenned to us .at least at one point we had a little bit of intimacy but now it’s just gone 

Well it took some time for my marriage to break down and a year is nothing in the larger scheme so I feel for you. Vent all you need to.

I suggest whether you divorce or not seek legal advice privately from a lawyer so you have an idea of what next should it get to that point. Are you afraid of what your friends/family will think?