Should I stay or should I go ? Husband and I are having financial issues

[ShyViolet]

3 hours ago, Georgiapeach42 said:

Just a quick update ..tried to talk to him about the issues we are having .the whole secrecy with his family ..the issues with no intimacy and Romance for the past nine months . And he still hasn’t changed .he suggested we go on vacation for Memorial Day .. I start to suggest ideas and he tells me “I am only spending 250.00 and you will have to pay the other half or remaining cost” . This was his idea and now he’s asking me to pay half of the vacation costs “ I just told him I don’t want to go now .then in at the same o arms e  I was sitting by him the couch and someone was calling him and he immediately put the phone Down so I couldn’t see who was calling hom  I tried to grab the phone and he told me “don’t worry about my phone mind your own business “so  today I see him pulling up in driveway as I was peeking through the window  I noticed he was not wearing his wedding ring I actually saw him as he put the ring on whole he was sitting on the car then he walked into the house as nothing happenned . Smh 

I'm not sure what the point of this update is.  Nothing has changed, he is still a horrible husband who doesn't respect you and this is still a terrible relationship.  Are you taking any steps to get out of this situation, or do you plan to just continue to stay in it and complain about it every once in a while?

[Will am I]

@georgiapeach

Are you ever going to be a confident, thriving, happy woman in this relationship?

Your situation is heartbreaking and the lack of change or even intention to change in your partner is very discouraging.

I applaud your perseverance but there is a certain minimum standard for how you should be treated. And if your partner consistently fails to meet that, you have no choice but to leave.

I advise you to friend up with strong and independent women and listen closely to their friendly advice. They will guide you through. 

[Alpacalia]

You know something I learned a long time ago is that people rarely want to make real changes and prefer the status quo.

You came here is to ask if you should stay or go.

There is no amount of advice that can save you. In the end, you will have to make your own decisions and live with the consequences. You must trust your own judgement and take a leap of faith. Whatever the outcome, it will be yours to own.

 

 

[Georgiapeach42]

3 hours ago, Will am I said:

@georgiapeach

Are you ever going to be a confident, thriving, happy woman in this relationship?

Your situation is heartbreaking and the lack of change or even intention to change in your partner is very discouraging.

I applaud your perseverance but there is a certain minimum standard for how you should be treated. And if your partner consistently fails to meet that, you have no choice but to leave.

I advise you to friend up with strong and independent women and listen closely to their friendly advice. They will guide you through. 

I really want to make this work . But he won’t meet me half way . I’m 42 I’ll be 43 in a few months . I just feel like he wasted me time . I even suggested he get a different job , I can help him with his resume . His response is “one thing at a time , I am trying to dig myself out of debt right now “ . When I ask him what debt , he refuses to tell me ..so all I can do is assume he is lying ..

[Wiseman2]

38 minutes ago, Georgiapeach42 said:

 . I even suggested he get a different job , I can help him with his resume . “ . When I ask him what debt , he refuses to tell me ..so all I can do is assume he is lying ..

Unfortunately you seem quite upset and provocative as far as arguments, accusations, etc.  You seem to antagonize each other quite a bit.

You're grabbing his phone, you're telling him to get a job, you're trying to redo his resume, you're demanding a postnuptial agreement, you're threatening divorce. Sure, you're angry he's not a good husband, but nagging won't make him a good husband.

Please stop. Yes it takes two however he's not interested and unfortunately you're making it worse. 

Why not focus on your own wellbeing and future? 

[Will am I]

The pattern in his behaviour is deeply etched in. Like @Alpacalia wrote, changing these long standing behavioural patterns is not a very likely outcome.

I’m a little bit more optimistic, I believe that people can change their ways if they are motivated, skilled and persevering.

The problem: I don’t see these factors in your description of your partner.

 

First and foremost, he doesn’t seem motivated to change at all. (and frankly: you have a hand in that because you always let him get away with his nasty ways of treating you).

Then the part about skill: that’s notoriously hard to judge from the outside. He may or may not have skills for self reflection, planning, self discipline. But we can see he’s not showing any skills until now.

And perseverance? He didn’t even make it to the start yet.

 

You’re 42, your life isn’t over. A remarkable number of women make major life changes in their forties. Including divorce and remarriage.

I believe you may have come to a point where being loyal to your partner conflicts with being loyal to yourself. 

Ditch the fear. Stand up for yourself. Make him change his behaviour; and prepare to go solo if he doesn’t come through. Surround yourself with people who will support you when it gets scary.

[Alpacalia]

How can you make a relationship work when your husband ignores you?

All you can do is let your husband know how his behavior makes you feel. There's nothing you can do to force him to do something he doesn't want to do.

This isn't a partnership.

That's the reality of it.

You can try to communicate your feelings to him and hope he will pay attention. However, ultimately, you can't make someone change their behavior. You can only decide if you can accept the situation or if it's time to move on.

[Alpacalia]

On 3/15/2023 at 5:10 PM, Georgiapeach42 said:

He basiclaly tells me he will not work a normal 9to 5 , because it’s not “Gods purpose “ and he will not be confined to a work schedule and to add  because I am not a fully obedient wife he will not work hard to support me .

You're frustrated because you have become more of a sole financial provider. And he's trying all he can to gain his own traction. No, that doesn't include moving the two of you into a car.

It may be that he needs more emotional and practical support from you while he works on getting his career off the ground. Whether he's being secretive for nefarious reasons or just to get you off his back, I don't know. But that's a problem, isn't it? That you're left in the dark.

It's important to understand his motivations and provide the support he needs (within reason) without taking on the entire burden. Those motivations aren't even visible to you.

Ultimately, both of you need to be on the same page.

You're not!

He has already said he will not work a normal 9 to 5, because it’s not “Gods purpose “ and he will not be confined to a work schedule and to add because you're not a fully obedient wife and he will not work hard to support you.

He is adamant about his beliefs and you don't want to be in a position to force him to do something he doesn't want to do.

That's what you're left to work with. Can you?

Maybe what you need to be saying instead, is "peace out!"

Edited May 29, 2023 by Alpacalia

[ExpatInItaly]

11 hours ago, Georgiapeach42 said:

so all I can do is assume he is lying ..

And yet, you stay. 

At some level, you are choosing this. Why? 

[Will am I]

This reminds me of an ancient Dr. Phil quote:

”we teach people how to treat us”

And honestly, @georgiapeach, you taught your husband that it doesn’t really matter if he treats you like garbage.

I think you may have self esteem issues for accepting this situation to evolve like this. It would be praiseworthy for you to work on self esteem and setting (and maintaining) strong boundaries.

It’s probably been said before but maybe you need to hear it again: you deserve better than this.

[Alpacalia]

Something is happening that’s much bigger and more complicated than your husband’s unwillingness to get a job.

I try to refrain from telling people they have low self-esteem because it puts unnecessary pressure on them to be perfect and successful rather than relying on a definition of “good self-esteem” to compare ourselves to. Treat yourself with kindness and value the personal qualities which make you unique. It's just a social construct, it's not innate. Develop self-compassion and self-acceptance instead.

My dear, you are being abused. Financial and emotional abuse is never acceptable and you deserve better. Do not suffer in silence--speak to someone you trust and make a plan to get out of this situation. There are resources available that can offer you the support and guidance you need. Reach out and take the steps to reclaim your independence and safety.

[Will am I]

On 5/30/2023 at 5:05 PM, Alpacalia said:

try to refrain from telling people they have low self-esteem because it puts unnecessary pressure on them to be perfect and successful rather than relying on a definition of “good self-esteem” to compare ourselves to

insightful, thanks

[NuevoYorko]

On 5/29/2023 at 12:31 PM, Georgiapeach42 said:

I really want to make this work . But he won’t meet me half way . I’m 42 I’ll be 43 in a few months . I just feel like he wasted me time   

??  You wasted your own time.  You chose this man to marry:

Quote

While we dated , he worked a part time data entry job at the time he lived in a office space , filthy nasty , no restroom , hundreds of boxes everywhere ,clothes , I just couldn’t believe someone would live like that . Just disgusting come to find out , he had been living there for about three years . Office management found out and evicted him  .

So, this is who he is.  You're not surprised, surely.

[Els]

On 5/30/2023 at 5:31 AM, Georgiapeach42 said:

I really want to make this work . But he won’t meet me half way . I’m 42 I’ll be 43 in a few months . I just feel like he wasted me time

No, YOU wasted your time by choosing to stay with him for this long. And every day that you remain in this marriage, you are wasting ADDITIONAL time that could have been saved. It's all your choice.

[Wiseman2]

On 5/29/2023 at 3:31 PM, Georgiapeach42 said:

.Should I stay or should I go ? Husband and I are having financial issues

It seems you've made up your mind to stay and support him financially even though you're upset and he doesn't want to cooperate.  

[glows]

On 5/28/2023 at 10:04 AM, Georgiapeach42 said:

Just a quick update ..tried to talk to him about the issues we are having .the whole secrecy with his family ..the issues with no intimacy and Romance for the past nine months . And he still hasn’t changed .he suggested we go on vacation for Memorial Day .. I start to suggest ideas and he tells me “I am only spending 250.00 and you will have to pay the other half or remaining cost” . This was his idea and now he’s asking me to pay half of the vacation costs “ I just told him I don’t want to go now .then in at the same o arms e  I was sitting by him the couch and someone was calling him and he immediately put the phone Down so I couldn’t see who was calling hom  I tried to grab the phone and he told me “don’t worry about my phone mind your own business “so  today I see him pulling up in driveway as I was peeking through the window  I noticed he was not wearing his wedding ring I actually saw him as he put the ring on whole he was sitting on the car then he walked into the house as nothing happenned . Smh 

The question is really what are you doing ..not what is he doing. The marriage seems unfulfilling and there’s no sex. You’re seeing signs of infidelity and you pay the majority of the bills. Some people don’t mind doing that but you’re upset about it and also about a marriage that seems more like a roommate situation.

Do you think there’s hope?

[Georgiapeach42]

8 hours ago, glows said:

The question is really what are you doing ..not what is he doing. The marriage seems unfulfilling and there’s no sex. You’re seeing signs of infidelity and you pay the majority of the bills. Some people don’t mind doing that but you’re upset about it and also about a marriage that seems more like a roommate situation.

Do you think there’s hope?

I don’t know ..almost a year without sex , no romance , on Intimacy ..sleep in different beds/ rooms . Doesn’t talk about his family / children with me . Will not even tell Me there names or show me pictures ..very sad ..there’s no emotional connection anymore ..I don’t know what happenned to us .at least at one point we had a little bit of intimacy but now it’s just gone 

[basil67]

It's notable that each time you're asked what you are doing about this situation, you simply respond with more complaints...but no plans for action.  

What is behind your inertia?  

[NuevoYorko]

What are your plans?  We already know all about him from your descriptions.  Evidently you were okay with all of this when you were dating; now you've changed your mind about what you want in a relationship.  That's fine - we are allowed to change our mind. 

What's your next move? 

[Will am I]

7 hours ago, Georgiapeach42 said:

I don’t know ..almost a year without sex , no romance , on Intimacy ..sleep in different beds/ rooms . Doesn’t talk about his family / children with me . Will not even tell Me there names or show me pictures ..very sad ..there’s no emotional connection anymore ..I don’t know what happenned to us .at least at one point we had a little bit of intimacy but now it’s just gone 

Some of this stuff is so outrageous it’s almost beyond belief.

He won’t tell you his kids’ names? Really? And you’re supposed to be his wife? I know at least a dozen kids’ names from coworkers. Just saying, these are not very intimate data and he’s even keeping that from you?

 

What if you don’t do anything? Things would stay as they are. You would slowly grow older. How would you look back on your life?

Imagine if you did leave? How would you look back on your life?

I have the feeling that option 2 would give a much greater sense of accomplishment and peace.

[glows]

7 hours ago, Georgiapeach42 said:

I don’t know ..almost a year without sex , no romance , on Intimacy ..sleep in different beds/ rooms . Doesn’t talk about his family / children with me . Will not even tell Me there names or show me pictures ..very sad ..there’s no emotional connection anymore ..I don’t know what happenned to us .at least at one point we had a little bit of intimacy but now it’s just gone 

Well it took some time for my marriage to break down and a year is nothing in the larger scheme so I feel for you. Vent all you need to.

I suggest whether you divorce or not seek legal advice privately from a lawyer so you have an idea of what next should it get to that point. Are you afraid of what your friends/family will think?