Me (38m) feeling resentful towards (26f) friend, feeling led on after cuddling for days.

[cuddle_confused]

Some background info: I suffer from a lot of childhood trauma and have fearful-avoidant attachment style. I have also had a lot of issues with women as an adult.

This girl at work and myself have been friends for about 4 months now, gotten "serious" the past 2. We work in special needs so we're all able to be pretty independent. So every day without fail for these 4 months her and I take our clients out together. So here we are spending 30+ hours/week together. Every day is a good day full of laughing and joking and good conversations and helping each other.

About 2 months ago we started hanging out outside of work. She was *constantly* inviting me places and has said some very meaningful things to me: 

“Thank you for joining my life a lil”

“I really like having you around my life n stuff”

“I notice your absence.”

“I want you to know you are seen, and felt, and I am here”

“Thank you for entering my life”

For me this is huge because I've pretty much not had any friends for 10 years.

We were hiking 1x/week together and she started coming to the gym with me. It was all pretty amazing.

Until the past couple of weeks, she has really cooled off a lot on hanging out in person. I've brought this to her attention. She tells me she hasn't really been seeing anyone else either due to "some heavy personal stuff she's dealing with" but her IG shows that to be a lie. Her story pops up and she's taking a mirror selfie with someone or at a bar or live music with her people. She stays up until 4am Fri/Sat partying, to the point that she doesn't show up for the gym on weekends anymore and cancels Sunday evening plans we have because she's too tired.

She says "we still see each other at work. I see you more than anyone else in my life". That feels shitty cuz work is easy and convenient and it's not free time nor exactly voluntary.

On top of that we had a new development that has left me feeling really resentful and angry towards her.

One day she was complaining her back hurt (she has scoliosis) so I gave her a backrub. We started to get closer physically - and I want to emphasize that for me this is all platonic, yes I have other feelings but I have compartmentalized them and pushed them aside for the sake of the friendship. One day I gave her a 3 hour backrub and then she wanted more, so we went back to my place and I gave her a full body massage and then we cuddled and spooned. Afterwards I texted her saying this was really great, I like this new space we entered, could we be cuddle buddies? And she practically waxed poetic about my touch and said yes. I continued giving her back, neck, and face touches for a few days until...

I noticed it was always me giving, her recieving. I wanted to be touched too. I had a low day and was feeling kinda shitty and asked for just "light fingers through my hair". Her response was "perhaps" and then changed the subject and nothing happened. Then she canceled our cuddle date (due to be tired from partying), I rescheduled and she canceled that too.

So things were kinda shitty between us for a few days and finally I just called her out on it and said we need to talk. She basically told me that she feels a boundary was crossed and thinks it's "healthier" if we pull back from the physical stuff at least for a while. She says her feelings for me haven't changed, bla bla bla. To me it was all just bla bla bla. Here's the thing for me:

I am now super resentful towards her for "going there" and then taking it away unilaterally. Yes I understand this is her right to do so but it feels like a big tease. And I've had a lot of issues being lead on and teased by women and now she's one of those women too. It also makes me feel like I'm a toy she's just going to toss around as it suites her whims. What other doors will she open and then close? Maybe she'll even stop being my friend entirely and spew some dribble drabble about "healthier bla bla bla". 

So I basically told her I can't trust her anymore because she's chaotic and unreliable and doesn't consider how her actions affect other people and I can't have someone like that in my life. I called her out on recieving but never giving and about her not showing up for "us" anymore and how we follow each other on IG so there's no point in lying about not seeing anyone else either cuz she's out all weekend partying. I told her due to my life experiences I don't think there's any fixing this and promised to keep it professional at work.

I figured that would be the end of it but she started blowing up my phone saying it's "not cashmoney" that we can't be friends unless I'm allowed to grope her. She doesn't "feel good" about how I'm throwing our friendship in the trash just because I'm not allowed to touch her anymore (her words... I am not allowed to touch her anymore). I am a lonely guy and that might be clouding my judgement about the situation because part of me was screaming to fix it and accept being friends with the new boundaries in place.

It really does feel like your standard "let's just be friends" after dating and forming a connection, but a more innocent and PG version, and I'm pretty much wanting to discard her at this point because I don't need that nonsense in my life.

I explained to her that that is all surface stuff and the deeper meaning is about being toyed with and led on and needing someone who's consistent and reciprocal and isn't going to play hot and cold with intimacy, move forward and then pull back and say "no more" like I'm a piece of furniture she can reposition in her room on a whim. She played the "dealing with heavy personal stuff at the moment" card again and I don't know.

What do you guys think?

**TL;DR: Shared non-sexual physical intimacy with female friend. Got pretty deep. Proposed cuddle buddies and she accepted. However she canceled all our sessions and then said we shouldn't do it anymore. Feeling very resentful and led on by her. She also hasn't been hanging out with me as much for weeks and lying about how she's not been going out.**

Edited March 18, 2023 by cuddle_confused

[ShyViolet]

She clearly does not want what you want.  She doesn't have the same feelings for you that you do for her.  Maybe she led you on and was a "tease".  Now you know the truth, that she is not interested in you in that way.  So there is nothing left for you to do but stop this weird "friendship/relationship" with her.  I am really not sure what your question is or what you hope to accomplish now by being resentful towards her.  It accomplishes nothing.  Just stop hanging out with her outside of work.  It's quite simple.

And stop analyzing what you see her doing on Instagram and getting angry if you see her hanging out with someone else.... she can do whatever she wants and honestly it's none of your business.  You don't really have a right to be "angry" about it.

2 hours ago, cuddle_confused said:

We started to get closer physically - and I want to emphasize that for me this is all platonic, yes I have other feelings but I have compartmentalized them and pushed them aside for the sake of the friendship.

This was not platonic, at least not on your end.  You clearly have a lot of feelings for her.  You can kid yourself and tell yourself this was platonic but the truth is obvious.  This is a girl who you have been very interested in, but she does not return the feelings.  The sooner you admit that, the sooner you can put an end to all this and move on.  It's unfortunate that you still have to see her at work, but just keep it professional and maintain strong boundaries.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, cuddle_confused said:

 . She basically told me that she feels a boundary was crossed and thinks it's "healthier" if we pull back from the physical stuff at least for a while. 

Sorry you're disappointed. She did cross a boundary so it needed to end. It seems she knew she was leading you on so stepped back. If you want to stay friends, that's fine but don't get physical.

[cuddle_confused]

2 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

And stop analyzing what you see her doing on Instagram and getting angry if you see her hanging out with someone else.... she can do whatever she wants and honestly it's none of your business.  You don't really have a right to be "angry" about it.

I feel like I have the right to be angry when someone lies to me.

[basil67]

I agree that she had poor boundaries and needed to fix this up and I understand your disappointment.  However, I feel that the level of anger and betrayal you seem to be feeling is out of proportion to the crime.   It's going to make for some very unpleasant working conditions if you can't get this under control

Edited March 18, 2023 by basil67

[cuddle_confused]

26 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I agree that she had poor boundaries and needed to fix this up and I understand your disappointment.  However, I feel that the level of anger and betrayal you seem to be feeling is out of proportion to the crime.   It's going to make for some very unpleasant working conditions if you can't get this under control

So what, I should just let it go and she gets a free pass and I'm obligated to be friends with her?

I've been teased and led on by women a LOT in my life and I'm pretty tired of it. [ ] 

Edited March 18, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
civility

[basil67]

32 minutes ago, cuddle_confused said:

So what, I should just let it go and she gets a free pass and I'm obligated to be friends with her?

You asked for opinions and I gave you mine.  What you do with that opinion is entirely your choice

[cuddle_confused]

13 minutes ago, basil67 said:

You asked for opinions and I gave you mine.  What you do with that opinion is entirely your choice

Well, am I an ahole if I tell her I don't feel like I can trust her anymore, and don't feel safe in our friendship, and therefore can't be friends anymore? Cuz she acted like I was, but I'm not sure how much of that is her being immature or me being fearful-avoidant.

[basil67]

You work with her.  Any falling out will affect your rapport, and the change in mood will impact your clients, so I think you need to tread carefully.  

[cuddle_confused]

12 minutes ago, basil67 said:

You work with her.  Any falling out will affect your rapport, and the change in mood will impact your clients, so I think you need to tread carefully.  

I understand that. But regardless of work is that an ahole thing of me to do after this?

[basil67]

14 minutes ago, cuddle_confused said:

I understand that. But regardless of work is that an ahole thing of me to do after this?

I think it's largely unnecessary and would create a hostile working environment.   If it were me, I'd pull back.  I'd work to keep a friendly working environment but wouldn't meet up after work.  If she wants to know why there's a change, I just say it's best for keeping those boundaries

Edited March 19, 2023 by basil67

[Lotsgoingon]

Oh man, I feel for you. Sounds like you are in pain and feeling great disappointment--even betrayal. And it's pain that comes from feeling so close to getting the relationship you want with her and then having her pull back. 

A few points. She owes you nothing as far as romance or touching is concerned. That's the rule. She owes you nothing and you owe her nothing. This may sound cold, but it's actually up to us to regulate our feelings when we get close to someone. 

You made a mistake in giving her a backrub. BTW: all of her words before that scream friendship to me, platonic relationship. So here's a painful thing to tell you. It's dishonest (and I've done that--many of us have done this when younger), but it's dishonest to hang with someone we really have a romantic feeling for while acting like we are just friends and content with friendship. Now, here's the catch: it's actually dishonest to OURSELVES. In this case, it's dishonest and unfair to you. Note: I'm not saying she was dishonest. I'm saying YOU were dishonest. You treated yourself unfairly by giving her a three hour back rub when you want more. Friends don't give each other three-hour back rubs. I have a lot of women friends--we NEVER go anywhere close to that kind of physical touch.  Now, she should have not allowed you to do that, sure. That's on her. But in dating--as long as there is not physical force--we are responsible for drawing all lines.  

You were responsible for saying "no" to her. And you would have said no if you weren't romantically interested in her and if you weren't desperate for friends. One reason you gave her that rub was because you were in some part of your brain hoping that she would feel more than friendship. No shame aimed at you. If you haven't dated a lot, there's no reason for you to know this. Most of us have done this at some point. But the rule is: friends cannot touch like that. They can't. I can hug my women friends. I can hug them tightly--but it's at greeting and at goodbye. Nothing in between. I can kiss some women friends on the cheek but again only at greeting and only at saying goodbye.  I would never give them a back rub, though I've done stuff like that. A back rub is intimate. It crosses a line. Now once you get more skilled at friendship, then you can do something like that but only after you draw strong, strong boundaries. Even then, it won't be a three-hour rub. 

So both of you messed up with the back rub. 

She didn't lead you on because there is no such thing as leading someone on, except for con artists who aim to steel your wallet. We all have the right to change our minds at any point. I can profess love to someone and then go home and realize something doesn't feel right and then come back and say I don't want to see the person again. I didn't lead them on. I simply updated my opinion of what I want from them.  Sure, they will be stunned and maybe confused. But I have the right to change my mind. Furthermore, we usually change our mind as we learn more about what's happening between us. 

Now, you did a good thing by asking for a rub yourself. Good job of standing up for yourself. Once she didn't do that you want to pull back. It's likely that at this point she realize you wanted more than friendship despite all your effort to hide that. That's why she pulled back. That's actually smart on her part and ultimately kind and honest.  

I'm probably in a minority here, but frankly, I think that since you work with her, you might want to just confess your feelings and your attraction--as a way of explaining your hurt. Not in any hostile way, but in an honest way. Don't be afraid to express your sadness and disappointment. Hell, don't be afraid of tearing up. She's probably been sensing that feeling you even though you tried to compartmentalize (again compartmentalizing is just a form of self-neglect). Yes it will be awkward, but it's more awkward to just distance yourself from her.  

Sounds to me that she really likes you as a person and respects you and has had a lot of fun with you. So she's not going turn evil on you. Sure, maybe she should have not allowed the back rub that you OFFERED---but you offered and generally the rule is if someone offers, it's OK to accept because they are offering.  She's not perfect and that's one mistake. She didn't treat you poorly overall. It sounds like you got some good practice at friendship with her, and you can actually get encouragement from her to make more friends and ultimately to date. 

 It's OK to feel like dirt right now. But she didn't wrong you. There was no way for you to know this based on your limited experience, but don't despair, I sense this woman can be quite an ally of yours as you continue to make friends and look to find happy romance with someone else. The hurt will last for a bit, but it will eventually go away. 

 

 

[ShyViolet]

4 hours ago, cuddle_confused said:

I feel like I have the right to be angry when someone lies to me.

You can feel however you want.  But she owes you absolutely nothing and you will be stewing in this anger while she goes and lives her life.  

You are better off accepting that she can't give you what you want, this "friendship" is completely unhealthy and you need to end it now and move on.  Tell her that you can't continue this friendship and that you will be keeping it strictly professional from now on, as far as having to work together.

Edited March 19, 2023 by ShyViolet

[NuevoYorko]

5 hours ago, cuddle_confused said:

I understand that. But regardless of work is that an ahole thing of me to do after this?

Yes.  You actually are coming off in a very unflattering light and even a bit stalkerish, if I'm being honest.

[cuddle_confused]

6 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

Yes.  You actually are coming off in a very unflattering light and even a bit stalkerish, if I'm being honest.

I'm being "stalkerish" by asking if it's okay to end a friendship? What?

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, cuddle_confused said:

 I should just let it go and she gets a free pass and I'm obligated to be friends with her?

You're under no obligation to be friends with her.  All you have to do is continue to go to work.  Try to distance yourself from her.

[FMW]

You can choose to be angry and to share that with her.  But that's not going to help you, it's not going to change her mind and as you've seen may even make things worse between you.  Find a way to deal with your anger and disappointment that does not involve communicating with her.  Be cordial and professional with her at work, but don't spend time with her beyond what is absolutely necessary for work.  It's not likely you can be friends with her because of your resentment, and she should understand that she temporarily allowed things to go in a direction that changed the relationship you had.  You owe her no explanation. 

 

[Alpacalia]

She didn't respect your desire for a platonic relationship and instead kept pushing for physical intimacy. She talked about it often and bombarded you with messages, which implied that being friends without physicality was impossible. She even used her physicality to try and make the relationship more physical than platonic. Even when you wanted to keep things professional at work, she continued to demand physical attention ("it's 'not cashmoney' that you can't be friends unless you're allowed to grope her," what does that even mean?). 

Despite your desire to keep things professional at work, she continued to demand physical attention.

It's manipulative.

It's understandable why you feel resentful towards her. Although she abruptly changed her position, the damage had already been done. It's time to move on from this experience and focus on other aspects of your life.

Edited March 19, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Els]

On 3/19/2023 at 3:21 AM, cuddle_confused said:

For me this is huge because I've pretty much not had any friends for 10 years.

And why don't you?

Yes she had poor boundaries, but so did you. In fact, you contributed at least 50% to this sticky situation. People don't give their "platonic friends" 3-hour backrubs... because they have the social acumen to understand that this violates boundaries, and a big part of this social acumen and contextual understanding comes from having friends. ACTUAL friends, not friends whom you want to sleep with. If you haven't had any friends for 10 years, then that explains why you don't understand all this... and it also explains why you were so desperate for contact from a person who clearly doesn't care much about you.

Leave her alone, go back to being solely co-workers, and make other friends. Having male friends especially would be extremely important.

[NuevoYorko]

18 hours ago, cuddle_confused said:

I'm being "stalkerish" by asking if it's okay to end a friendship? What?

All your knowledge of her various activities because you've pored over her social media in minute detail, and subjected all you've seen there to intense scrutiny in order to "catch her" in dishonesty.  No, this is not normal "friendly" behavior.

[ExpatInItaly]

At your age, forget the idea of "cuddle buddies." You're either dating or you're not, but don't repeat this sort of physically-blurred situation in the future. Leave cuddle-buddies for teens. 

I get that you are disappointed that this isn't going to go further. I get that you feel rejected. But, if anything, you need a social life that fulfills you. Why haven't you had friends for 10 years? Developing connections with truly platonic friends will help take the edge of your hunger for connection. 

On 3/19/2023 at 12:52 AM, cuddle_confused said:

am I an ahole if I tell her I don't feel like I can trust her anymore, and don't feel safe in our friendship, and therefore can't be friends anymore?

This is not a good idea, no. You are co-workers and it was a major risk you (both) took in toying with the boundaries there. You really shouldn't make it worse by unloading all of this on her. Simply tell her you cannot be friends but will remain professional at work. If you can't do that, you are going to have problems with your job and that isn't on her, but on you. 

[stillafool]

This friendship is kaput.  Definitely stay away from each other and move on.