Struggling to have a stable relationship

[guy45]

I had another breakup lately and it's left me pretty depressed. We only dated for a short amount of time but she decided to leave me after I told her I wasn't sure about the relationship.

Over the past few years most of the relationships I've had started out good but then I would start having doubts about whether or not I want to spend the rest of my life with them. I would start going through our photos and obsess over physical flaws. Eventually I get so stressed out that I break up with them or I tell them that I'm having doubts and they leave me.

Am I dating the wrong people or am I the problem?

I'm a 30 year old male.

Edited March 18, 2023 by guy45

[Wiseman2]

25 minutes ago, guy45 said:

 I would start going through our photos and obsess over physical flaws. Eventually I get so stressed out that I break up with them or I tell them that I'm having doubts and they leave me.

Are you critiquing their flaws because you are looking for a way out?  It seems you're not happy in relationships.  How attracted are you in the beginning before you notice deal breakers or flaws?

 

[basil67]

3 hours ago, guy45 said:

I had another breakup lately and it's left me pretty depressed. We only dated for a short amount of time but she decided to leave me after I told her I wasn't sure about the relationship.

Over the past few years most of the relationships I've had started out good but then I would start having doubts about whether or not I want to spend the rest of my life with them. I would start going through our photos and obsess over physical flaws. Eventually I get so stressed out that I break up with them or I tell them that I'm having doubts and they leave me.

Am I dating the wrong people or am I the problem?

I'm a 30 year old male.

They are 100% right to leave you when you're at the point of telling them you have doubts.  However, I find it quite odd that you focus on physical "flaws" rather than with what is actually wrong with the relationship.   Why don't your thoughts address the actual problem?

With this recent breakup, what made you unsure about the relationship?

Edited March 18, 2023 by basil67

[guy45]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you critiquing their flaws because you are looking for a way out?  It seems you're not happy in relationships.  How attracted are you in the beginning before you notice deal breakers or flaws?

 

I'm always attracted it's just that I pay more attention to the deal breakers than actually enjoying the relationship.

3 minutes ago, basil67 said:

They are 100% right to leave you when you're at the point of telling them you have doubts.  However, I find it quite odd that you focus on physical "flaws" rather than with what is actually wrong with the relationship.   Why don't your thoughts address the actual problem?

With this recent breakup, what made you unsure about the relationship?

I think to myself "if you marry this person your gonna have to be with them for the rest of your life", and that really freaks me out, that's usually what makes me feel so unsure.

 

[basil67]

OK.  So when you get worried about spending the rest of your life with this person, is it because they have traits which are truly incompatible with you?

[guy45]

36 minutes ago, basil67 said:

OK.  So when you get worried about spending the rest of your life with this person, is it because they have traits which are truly incompatible with you?

Yes exactly, however they have good traits too, so it becomes really confusing whether they are right for me or not.

[basil67]

Can you give some examples of the doubts you felt about this most recent woman you were dating?  

[guy45]

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

Can you give some examples of the doubts you felt about this most recent woman you were dating?  

I couldn't get over how her nose looked in our pics. Everything else about her I really liked. I realize no one is perfect including myself but its just something that kept bugging me. I kept obsessing about it daily to the point where it was hard to enjoy the relationship. Eventually I told her I had doubts our relationship could work and then yeah she broke up with me.

[Alpacalia]

Hey ho, focusing too much on physical flaws is often a sign of perfectionism or insecurity. In the long run, this is going to cause stress and strain on your relationships.

Romantic relationships rely heavily on physical attraction. I don't think you're shallow for ending things if you didn't feel anything. My guess is that you could get it back if you felt it once and then it faded. But you cannot create something that did not exist in the first place.

That being said, you also need to be careful of letting it be the only thing holding a relationship together.

It sounds to me like you swung from one side of the pendulum to the other.

[basil67]

3 hours ago, guy45 said:

I couldn't get over how her nose looked in our pics. 

This is just absurd.  Have you thought of going into therapy? 

[MsJayne]

I don’t mean to be rude in asking this, but I think it’s pertinent. Do you find your own appearance flawed to the point of being unacceptable? 

[Wiseman2]

17 hours ago, guy45 said:

I couldn't get over how her nose looked in our pics. . I kept obsessing about it daily to the point where it was hard to enjoy the relationship. 

Unfortunately, it's a recurring theme so it's something to look into for yourself. Of course professional help would be best.

Edited March 19, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
armchair diagnosis

[guy45]

7 hours ago, MsJayne said:

I don’t mean to be rude in asking this, but I think it’s pertinent. Do you find your own appearance flawed to the point of being unacceptable? 

There’s things that bother me about my appearance as well. I’m far from perfect.

8 hours ago, basil67 said:

This is just absurd.  Have you thought of going into therapy? 

I honestly don’t believe going to therapy would help me, and even if it did I could probably figure it out for myself faster without having to waste my money.

[FMW]

Are you having a string of just temporary superficial attractions to women (which naturally are going to go away fairly quickly)?  Are these relationships of real substance and not just physical attraction and a few fun dates?  My experience is that when I truly connect with a romantic partner I find them more beautiful over time.  If I don't truly connect, initial physical attraction fades.  Maybe it's easier for you to focus on the physical flaws than on the reality of whether you're a good match.  

If it's more than simply not having met the right person, just diagnosing yourself isn't going to give you insight into how to overcome what's happening.  If you truly want a lasting relationship, seek help from a trained counselor.

[ShyViolet]

In addition to what others have suggested, when you get into a relationship why are you automatically putting so much pressure on yourself about whether you will be able to spend the rest of your life with the person.  Maybe stop doing that.  Stop saying to yourself after just a short time in a relationship "Oh my god I don't know if I can spend the rest of my life with this person".  When you've been dating someone a relatively short time, you are just getting to know them and whether you are compatible with them.  You do not need to be figuring out whether you are going to spend "the rest of your life" with them.  If this kind of pressure makes you really uncomfortable in relationships, then make sure that you do not start up relationships with people who are all about marriage or looking for a super serious relationship.  Just casually date.

[guy45]

4 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

In addition to what others have suggested, when you get into a relationship why are you automatically putting so much pressure on yourself about whether you will be able to spend the rest of your life with the person.  Maybe stop doing that.  Stop saying to yourself after just a short time in a relationship "Oh my god I don't know if I can spend the rest of my life with this person".  When you've been dating someone a relatively short time, you are just getting to know them and whether you are compatible with them.  You do not need to be figuring out whether you are going to spend "the rest of your life" with them.  If this kind of pressure makes you really uncomfortable in relationships, then make sure that you do not start up relationships with people who are all about marriage or looking for a super serious relationship.  Just casually date.

I think this may be really good advice. Most of the women I dated were looking to get married. After me and my first gf got engaged I  started looking for flaws and my relationship went downhill from there. I had much more meaningful connections ironically with women I’ve dated that didn’t really seem to care about marriage.

[ShyViolet]

11 minutes ago, guy45 said:

I think this may be really good advice. Most of the women I dated were looking to get married. After me and my first gf got engaged I  started looking for flaws and my relationship went downhill from there. I had much more meaningful connections ironically with women I’ve dated that didn’t really seem to care about marriage.

Ok so you've learned something about yourself.  You don't do well in a relationship where the person wants it to lead to marriage.  You do better with casual dating.  When you meet people, be up front that you are looking for casual dating.  There's nothing wrong with that.

You don't HAVE to get married, you do know that right?  It sounds like you haven't been honest with yourself and you've let yourself get into an engagement that you didn't even want to be in.  Be more intentional about your choices.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, guy45 said:

I had much more meaningful connections ironically with women I’ve dated that didn’t really seem to care about marriage.

Well the good news for you is more and more women are deciding to forego marriage and kids.  So you shouldn't have a problem finding a partner.

[guy45]

Thank you everyone. I think this really is the root of my problem. In my early 20s I never really had these issues since I hardly thought about marriage.

[stillafool]

8 minutes ago, guy45 said:

. In my early 20s I never really had these issues since I hardly thought about marriage.

Probably neither were the women you were dating at that age.  

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, guy45 said:

 I never really had these issues since I hardly thought about marriage.

Are you being pressured to settle down by family or friends? You don't seem to want to  settle down and you're hurting women in the process with fault-finding in order to avoid commitment. All you need to do is be true to yourself and not force yourself before you're ready. Date because you like someone, not because you have to imagine yourself being stuck with them.

[stillafool]

To take the pressure off of yourself by telling women immediately that you're not the marrying type.  If they like you it won't matter they will to out with you.

[mark clemson]

Perhaps a pertinent question is - WHY do you look for flaws before things can serious?

I understand wanting to be certain (as certain as one can be) that you're going to be happy with the partner. However, NO ONE is perfect. Eventually you'll have to "settle" for pretty good or (hopefully) really good.

I think you should consider whether at some level (ie, unconsciously) you're afraid of LTRs and/or are a commitment-phobe of sorts? Consciously you want a LTR, but unconsciously you don't - e.g. you fear being "trapped" in one or fear "committing" to someone only to have things end, or have some similar issue.

If that's the case, perhaps looking for problems is the method you've learned to extricate yourself from the sort of mental bind this combination creates?

Consider - what do you really want? It's ok to be single, many people are and many are perfectly happy that way. So perhaps you could "accept" singlehood? Or, if you really want to be in LTRs, you need to find ways to effectively work on this tendency to look for faults so you can get past it. Possibly a therapist could be helpful with this.

Keep in mind that, biologically speaking, humans tend to be serial monogamists, so it's actually quite normal to have relationships that end after a while. If you really want to be in a LTR, you (and the partner both) will have to, essentially, continually choose to remain in it.