I asked my wife if she wanted to talk about her weight gain. I'm now getting the silent treatment

[LoveMyBed]

My wife and I are 24, been married just under 2 years now. Over the past 10-11 months, I've noticed that her diet's changed. Where she used to opt for a salad at lunch, she now gets fried food. Where she used to only drink diet soda( which I know isn't all that great) she's now opting for straight soda.

She put on a noticeable amount of weight, to the point that even my parents are asking me what is going on with her but, even still, I opted to say nothing. My thinking was it just wasn't my place, and I hoped and figured if things got severe enough, she'd open up about it to me.

On Friday night, we were getting ready to go out, and, she was struggling to get this pair of jeans on and buttoned. I pondered stepping in, offering to help, but decided against it, fearing I'd make things worse. She gave up and tossed them aside. She saw that I saw what'd happened.

After this uncomfortable pause I asked her what was going on with her weight and asked if she wanted me to help her or if she wanted to talk about anything. She launched on me, telling my I was a jerk for even bringing the topic up.

She claimed that I was going to use this issue to control what she ate moving forward. She didn't speak to me the rest of Friday or all day yesterday, so far today, nothing

What do I have to do to fix this?

Edited March 19, 2023 by LoveMyBed

[Ray_xx]

Sorry to hear this. Can I ask when you say weight gain what are we talking in women sizes? what is her natural frame? curvy / skinny or slim average? I think she is taking it out on you and shouldn't respond in such negative ways where for a start you have been respectful enough not to mention anything up until this point and it's not as though you have sat her down and said you are getting fat, what is going on? it's her issue and as women especially eating like that will only add the pounds on. I am very petite, size 6 and always been a tiny frame due to having stomach problems so I struggle to gain weight at 31 years old and many people have things to say such as do you eat? it really annoys me when girls get so comfortable in relationships that they just pound on the weight and have no self care for what their partner will see in the bedroom. It's her problem, not yours and will only become your problem if she continues to get huge and you have to decide whether you want someone who clearly doesn't care about their diet.

[LoveMyBed]

1 minute ago, Ray_xx said:

Sorry to hear this. Can I ask when you say weight gain what are we talking in women sizes? what is her natural frame? curvy / skinny or slim average? I think she is taking it out on you and shouldn't respond in such negative ways where for a start you have been respectful enough not to mention anything up until this point and it's not as though you have sat her down and said you are getting fat, what is going on? it's her issue and as women especially eating like that will only add the pounds on. I am very petite, size 6 and always been a tiny frame due to having stomach problems so I struggle to gain weight at 31 years old and many people have things to say such as do you eat? it really annoys me when girls get so comfortable in relationships that they just pound on the weight and have no self care for what their partner will see in the bedroom. It's her problem, not yours and will only become your problem if she continues to get huge and you have to decide whether you want someone who clearly doesn't care about their diet.

I mean, she's put on, I'd guess 40 pounds. As far as size, she was thin, but, now she's definitely in the realm of " chubby" at this point.

 

 

[Ray_xx]

I wonder why she is doing it... are you both happy? I get people get comfortable and that's okay but to exceed masses of weight gain is just a sign to me of unhappiness. She needs to talk to you! 

[LoveMyBed]

1 minute ago, Ray_xx said:

I wonder why she is doing it... are you both happy? I get people get comfortable and that's okay but to exceed masses of weight gain is just a sign to me of unhappiness. She needs to talk to you! 

I wish she would talk to me. Yes, I would say we're both happy. I know I'm happy, and she, even as she added on this weight, kept her same, happy, demeanor. I tried re-evaluating if I said something mean, something that came out wrong, but, I don't believe I did.

[Ray_xx]

31 minutes ago, LoveMyBed said:

I wish she would talk to me. Yes, I would say we're both happy. I know I'm happy, and she, even as she added on this weight, kept her same, happy, demeanor. I tried re-evaluating if I said something mean, something that came out wrong, but, I don't believe I did.

You didn't

[LoveMyBed]

1 minute ago, Ray_xx said:

You didn't

Thats where I'm lost at. I thought I went about things super gently, maybe the timing wasnt great given she'd just had the issues with the pants, but, I don't think my wording was problematic 

[stillafool]

At what point is it appropriate to discuss unhealthy weight gain seems to be the question here.

[LoveMyBed]

Just now, stillafool said:

At what point is it appropriate to discuss unhealthy weight gain seems to be the question here.

And how do I discuss it in a way that is productive & helpful

[basil67]

12 minutes ago, LoveMyBed said:

And how do I discuss it in a way that is productive & helpful

You wait until she asks you for help.  

[introverted1]

OP, this is unwinnable for you.  If she had taken up smoking or cutting herself or any other unhealthy behavior other than over-eating, you'd be encouraged to help her. 

But...

1 hour ago, LoveMyBed said:

She launched on me, telling my I was a jerk for even bringing the topic up.

As you saw, weight is taboo.

[LoveMyBed]

9 minutes ago, basil67 said:

You wait until she asks you for help.  

That seems fair enough 

[LoveMyBed]

4 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

OP, this is unwinnable for you.  If she had taken up smoking or cutting herself or any other unhealthy behavior other than over-eating, you'd be encouraged to help her. 

But...

As you saw, weight is taboo.

I wish it didn't have to be taboo and that we could talk about it without things getting out of hand

[basil67]

23 minutes ago, LoveMyBed said:

I wish it didn't have to be taboo and that we could talk about it without things getting out of hand

Even if it's alcohol or any other vice, people have to be ready to change before they will accept help....and weight is no different.

[LoveMyBed]

2 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Even if it's alcohol or any other vice, people have to be ready to change before they will accept help....and weight is no different.

so now its just a matter of waiting until she's ready for change

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, LoveMyBed said:

 I asked her what was going on with her weight and asked if she wanted me to help her or if she wanted to talk about anything. She launched on me, telling my I was a jerk for even bringing the topic up.

Sorry this happened. You're going to have to let the dust settle. Don't bring it up again. You had your say, now let it go. Don't offer to "help". If she is stress eating, now feeling unattractive to you will make it worse.

Carry on with your life. If you want to start getting fit and eating well, start doing that. Focus solely on your eating and fitness. 

Start planning active dates. Take some classes and courses together that involve activities. Ballroom dancing, golf, hiking, anything.

But. Do not offer to 'help'. She's already upset and now hurt by your comment, don't make her feel like she needs "help" on top of all that.

[LoveMyBed]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. You're going to have to let the dust settle. Don't bring it up again. You had your say, now let it go. Don't offer to "help". If she is stress eating, now feeling unattractive to you will make it worse.

Carry on with your life. If you want to start getting fit and eating well, start doing that. Focus solely on your eating and fitness. 

Start planning active dates. Take some classes and courses together that involve activities. Ballroom dancing, golf, hiking, anything.

But. Do not offer to 'help'. She's already upset and now hurt by your comment, don't make her feel like she needs "help" on top of all that.

I like the idea of active dates

[Weezy1973]

You’re both young, but in solid relationships no topic is taboo. Honest, open communication is actually the hallmark of a quality relationship. If you don’t discuss something harmful, like bad eating habits, you’re becoming an enabler. Someone brought up alcoholism and it’s the same idea. If you just ignore it and enable the unhealthy behavior, you’re part of the problem.

 

The main question is why did she suddenly change her eating habits. Are her parents healthy eaters? I’d focus on the health aspects rather than the weight. My wife has broached the topic with me on occasion by saying she wants us to be active together for a long time and bad habits now will take a toll down the lone. And she also happens to be very health conscious. Are you a healthy eater as well?

[LoveMyBed]

2 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

You’re both young, but in solid relationships no topic is taboo. Honest, open communication is actually the hallmark of a quality relationship. If you don’t discuss something harmful, like bad eating habits, you’re becoming an enabler. Someone brought up alcoholism and it’s the same idea. If you just ignore it and enable the unhealthy behavior, you’re part of the problem.

 

The main question is why did she suddenly change her eating habits. Are her parents healthy eaters? I’d focus on the health aspects rather than the weight. My wife has broached the topic with me on occasion by saying she wants us to be active together for a long time and bad habits now will take a toll down the lone. And she also happens to be very health conscious. Are you a healthy eater as well?

So, she started a new job, right around the time the eating habits changed. I know she felt stressed. Her mom and dad are slightly heavier than average if that makes sense. I'm a pretty healthy eater myself.

[mrs rubble]

My husband has also gained a lot of weight,  I've tried talking to him about the sugar he's consuming (he drinks at least 3 of the biggest Red Bulls per day!!) it goes in one ear and out the other. I also try to get him out walking with me, but he refuses to, claims his hips are too sore, I'm sure that if he lost some weight his pain would lessen. We've recently gone away on Holiday twice, we went out to Dinner at a place that was 600meters from our accommodation,  he wanted me to call an Uber, I refused and told him that surely he could walk the 600meters, reluctantly he did manage to walk that time, but our last trip we were very close to the pub and social club, again he refused to walk, as it was "too steep".

It does my head in, but there's not a lot that I can do about it. Lately other people have pointed out his weight, a friend said "Gidday Fat Fulla" to him a couple of weeks ago, he immediately left and later told me how offended he was. Then on Saturday we met an old work colleague of his who patted his enormous belly and said "Wow that's got bigger" my husband just said "yep" later he came back and patted his stomach again and said "Are you working on it" My husband just raised his beer and said "yep". I'm hoping that these sorts of comments will eventually make him do something about it.

It's really sad, because it stops us doing certain things because he's too heavy for some activities. 

No advice just wanted to share in your frustration!

[Weezy1973]

Ok well then my guess is that eating healthy is harder work for her because she likely wasn’t raised that way. When the stress of the new job came, she reverted back to what was easy as her energy was taken up by the new job. I’d offer to help where I could. Make healthy dinners with leftovers she can bring for lunch etc.

[LoveMyBed]

7 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Ok well then my guess is that eating healthy is harder work for her because she likely wasn’t raised that way. When the stress of the new job came, she reverted back to what was easy as her energy was taken up by the new job. I’d offer to help where I could. Make healthy dinners with leftovers she can bring for lunch etc.

I guess I don't know what else I'd want from her, but, it does worry me that her mom especially,  every time she sees my wife, will say, " You look great. You look so good! You've got a great figure"

Edited March 19, 2023 by LoveMyBed

[stillafool]

22 minutes ago, LoveMyBed said:

I guess I don't know what else I'd want from her, but, it does worry me that her mom especially,  every time she sees my wife, will say, " You look great. You look so good! You've got a great figure"

Is her mother overweight?  Btw, making her healthy lunches is going to be viewed as you trying to control what she eats.  Let her make her own lunch.  She's still going to eat what she wants to eat whether you make her lunch or not.

[LoveMyBed]

2 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Is her mother overweight?  Btw, making her healthy lunches is going to be viewed as you trying to control what she eats.  Let her make her own lunch.  She's still going to eat what she wants to eat whether you make her lunch or not.

Not hugely overweight, but, yes, her mom is overweight

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, LoveMyBed said:

, it does worry me that her mom especially,  every time she sees my wife, will say, " You look great. You look so good! You've got a great figure"

The mother realizes criticizing her is hurtful and not motivating. She's trying not to fat shame her. Take a cue from that and be more supportive . Tell her you love her and she's beautiful to you.  She's "chubby" according to you, so the health and addiction angles aren't going to help. 

Start a healthy active lifestyle together. Criticizing your wife's appearance is a slippery slope. It seems like marriage therapy could help you reframe things and communicate less critically. Since the changes coincide with work stress, focus on that. Her feeling that you're not attracted to her or your love is conditional isn't helpful. 

Edited March 20, 2023 by Wiseman2