Stopped drinking and so did affection

[Champ10]

My fiancé and I stopped drinking about 3 months ago. Ever since, I feel like she isn’t putting effort into our relationship. I have been very patient and also understand that there is a lot going on chemically and emotionally with not drinking. I have asked if she still loves me and wants our relationship. She said she does. I have shared that I don’t feel she has been reciprocating effort when it comes to being loving. I asked if there was anything I was doing wrong or I could do differently. She said no. I am truly doing my best to believe that she still has interest in me and our relationship. As much as she verbally confirms she does her actions are tellling a very different story. It is also hard for me to be supportive, attentive, not needy, and get NO feedback on if what I am doing is correct for her. I have also given space and plenty of alone time. I am so confused and frustrated I have had thoughts of ending it! It sounds selfish! But I am not feeling ,loved or cared for in any way! I don’t want to continue to invest time and effort into something that I am totally unsure if she really wants it! I also don’t want to end a relationship (that I want) because I am reading it wrong! IDK!!! Maybe posting here (which is something I have never done in any forum for any reason) might shed some light! 

[basil67]

Do you realise that in your opening post, you haven't actually said how things have changed.  Or in what ways you're feeling neglected.   It makes me wonder if you haven't told her either.

Whatever changes have happened does seem to be linked to getting sober.  Could it be that she was self medicating with alcohol to cover things she hasn't been happy with in herself or her life?  Aside from the relationship, have you seen any other changes to her personality?  

[Wiseman2]

20 minutes ago, Champ10 said:

My fiancé and I stopped drinking about 3 months ago. Ever since, I feel like she isn’t putting effort into our relationship.

How long have you been together? How old is she? Have there been issues before? Do you live together?

What precipitated the desire to quit drinking? Are you both getting support for that? It's great if you both commit to cleaner living. How committed are you both? Does either one of you want to secretly go back to drinking?

However it seems the drinking masked a lot of issues that are now coming to the fore.  Perhaps it made an unworkable relationship work?

Individual as well as couples counseling could help you navigate these changes and how to reframe your lives and relationship. It could help get the dialogue going to start communicating better.

[Champ10]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

How long have you been together? How old is she? Have there been issues before? Do you live together?

What precipitated the desire to quit drinking? Are you both getting support for that? It's great if you both commit to cleaner living. How committed are you both? Does either one of you want to secretly go back to drinking?

However it seems the drinking masked a lot of issues that are now coming to the fore.  Perhaps it made an unworkable relationship work?

Individual as well as couples counseling could help you navigate these changes and how to reframe your lives and relationship. It could help get the dialogue going to start communicating better.

I should have been more detailed I suppose. Like I said…. My first time doing anything like this!!

Answers to your questions:

we have been together 5 years. She lived with me with her 3 kids for about a year. The youngest is spoiled and orders her around like a slave (literally). Obviously that was an issue. We could not live under the same roof with that tension. She moved out. We took a break for a month or so. Did a lot of talking and wanted to be together. 
 

we have quit before. That is a super long story. We are both committed. I do believe that she worries about me because I am not following the AA path. IMO…. She drinks (drank) to be able to deal with the behavioral issues of her youngest. 
 

We are both seeing counselor’s separately. We have previously talked and agreed on couples counseling. It is hard to figure that out with our schedules. At this point I am not sure how much good it would do since she says there are no problems. 
 

there is no doubt that sobriety is playing a part. I do not believe that alcohol masked any issues between us. I do wonder if it is affecting her ability to relax and be open with me. She has a lot of issues with trust and openness due to past relationships. 
 

I do believe (hope may be a better word) that she wants our relationship to work as do I. However, I can’t be in a relationship that is one way. I need to be wanted and FEEL loved! I kind of sound like a chick here….probably because I feel like our rolls are reversed! Instead of the inattentive husband it’s the inattentive wife! 

[Champ10]

3 hours ago, basil67 said:

Do you realise that in your opening post, you haven't actually said how things have changed.  Or in what ways you're feeling neglected.   It makes me wonder if you haven't told her either.

Whatever changes have happened does seem to be linked to getting sober.  Could it be that she was self medicating with alcohol to cover things she hasn't been happy with in herself or her life?  Aside from the relationship, have you seen any other changes to her personality?  

My reply to wiseman2’s post answer a lot of those questions. 
 

I have SPECIFICALLY told her why I am feeling neglected! The short version is that the warm fuzzy, affection has gone away. No effort to hold my hand. No reply’s to questions (via twxt) that if not formed specifically as a question go unanswered. For instance…I texted her “are you happy with us? Are you happy with me? Are you happy with where we are at?” She responded “I am happy”. Like I said in the post….I am trying to give her space and not be too pushy knowing all she is going through. I didn’t want to ask those questions again individually. She has also made no effort to answer them directly or indirectly. 

[basil67]

Thanks for the update.   The first thing which strikes me is that you're having these super important conversations over text.  Why aren't you having them in person?   Sounds like it's not only emotional distance between you, but also physical distance.

You wrote to Wiseman2 about the behaviour of her youngest child causing issues between the two of you.  This has got to be a massive contributor to the way she feels about you.  I think it's entirely expected that her feelings towards you would change when there is resentment on your part, you see him as spoiled and she ultimately had to move out.  I imagine that she wants her feelings to return, but man, after all that has gone down, it's really not surprising that she's no longer having warm and fuzzy feelings towards you.  Not that I blame you.  Parenting a hard work child is not for the faint of heart.

I'm wondering.... given that her eldest two apparently don't cause problems, then it would appear she knows how to parent.  So is he actually spoiled?  Or does he have a behavioural issue/diagnosis which she needs help in managing?   Even then, having a dx may help explain the behaviour but it doesn't make the parenting any easier. 

This isn't going to be an easy road for either of you.  I guess it all comes down to getting what help she can for her son and you being able to accept being part of an extreme parenting situation.  But if you can't accept his behaviour or she doesn't get help, no amount of counselling is going to save this

 

 

[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, Champ10 said:

we have quit before. That is a super long story. We are both committed. I do believe that she worries about me because I am not following the AA path. IMO…. She drinks (drank) to be able to deal with the behavioral issues of her youngest. 

Could it be something other than the relationship that's causing you to feel unfulfilled?

Your girlfriend isn’t “neglecting” your relationship; you just expect more than what she is willing to give.

Both of you have quit drinking. Three months ago. That's not long AT ALL.

It's possible that you have unrealistic expectations of your girlfriend's involvement in the relationship, and she may not be neglecting it as you think.

Have you reconsidered exploring the AA path? It's possible that she may have concerns about both of you being able to maintain sobriety and avoid falling back into old habits. Perhaps it's worth discussing together and considering if this is a helpful option for your journey towards recovery.

Quitting drinking is a significant life change, and it will take time for both of you to adjust. While alcohol may have temporarily masked any emotional issues, it's possible that you're now seeking to rely on your girlfriend to fill that void.

The top priority is maintaining sobriety, and being open and honest about how the process is affecting each of you. Seeking counseling, participating in support groups, or finding sober activities to do together can all be helpful ways to support each other.

Do keep in mind that your girlfriend may also be struggling with her own challenges related to sobriety. It's not that she's necessarily wrong or neglectful and that you're not loved or cared for, but rather that your expectations may be unrealistic given the current circumstances.

Edited March 20, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Champ10 said:

we have been together 5 years. She lived with me with her 3 kids for about a year.  We could not live under the same roof with that tension. She moved out. 

Unfortunately you're incompatible. The trial run of trying to live together didn't work out. Moving out is the end of the relationship, not a variation of it. 

Sadly, drinking or not, it's not a fulfilling relationship. Clearly her child and sobriety need to come first, so this may not be the right woman/relationship for you.

It seems like you're both trying to resuscitate something that's causing stress to maintain. Especially with prior attempts at sobriety. It's possible you're over attached but have a negative effect on each other.

 

[mark clemson]

12 hours ago, Champ10 said:

 For instance…I texted her “are you happy with us? Are you happy with me? Are you happy with where we are at?” She responded “I am happy”. Like I said in the post….I am trying to give her space and not be too pushy knowing all she is going through. I didn’t want to ask those questions again individually. She has also made no effort to answer them directly or indirectly. 

 

It sounds like she is "content enough" for the time being, and perhaps not interested in rocking the boat any further, but also not "in a place" where she can be very affectionate. It seems like at some level you recognize this, and certainly quitting drinking is a big step for some people. Nonetheless, your needs in the relationship are not being met. I think that's probably clear to her as well after e.g. texts like that.

If you want things to work out, to my mind the approach here is to continue to give her space WHILE continuing to communicate about your desire for greater affection. She MAY come around, may not. It remains to be seen.

How long you give this (or whether you even continue trying) is of course up to you. You were engaged, so its clear there was an intent to settle down together. However, you're not even married and yet you're already hitting a major "rough patch". It's unfortunately a tricky situation in that there's not a lot of clarity (yet?) on how things will go.

I will say that you probably don't want to be in a marriage where your needs genuinely aren't being met to a reasonable extent, as that's generally a recipe for unhappiness. Things change, and one never knows how it will be 20 years down the road, but if you're not happy at the start while still engaged, it's certainly a bad sign. The flip side is there seems to be some hope at least that this is transitory in your specific case?

[BrinnM]

12 hours ago, Champ10 said:

For instance…I texted her “are you happy with us? Are you happy with me? Are you happy with where we are at?” She responded “I am happy”.

First of all - she did answer you. What other answer did you expect? And why are you asking these questions in the first place, let alone by text? No offense, but to me it seems a little needy & insecure …… and she’s probably exhausted having to respond to your insecurities. 
In any case - things like that are best addressed in person, not by text, otherwise they come across almost like interview questions. Let the conversation flow more freely, in person, and make it a positive one. What are our future goals? What do we  like about each other? Do we get our needs met? What do we expect? All questions that can be addressed in a natural conversation, when you cook together or go for a walk together. Doesn’t need to be an overly serious “we need to sit down and talk” event. Nobody likes that, and it won’t help with the bonding.

I’m also a little bit concerned (but I don’t know maybe I’m making a bigger deal out of it than necessary, as I wasn’t there), but with regards to the youngest child: were you supportive or were you critical of that child? ——> because that can turn a woman off as well, even if she struggles; she doesn’t need her partner’s criticism, but his support. And he needs to love or at least like her children. 

[ShyViolet]

You tried living together and you had so many problems that she had to move out.  That's not something that happens in healthy relationships.  You should absolutely not get married when you are having this many problems.  Three months of sobriety is not a long time, but if your gut is telling you that she is not fully invested in this relationship, then it's probably true.  No amount of counseling can revive a dead relationship.  You can't force it to work.  Whatever you do, just don't get married unless there is some drastic change.  

[Champ10]

8 hours ago, mark clemson said:

 

It sounds like she is "content enough" for the time being, and perhaps not interested in rocking the boat any further, but also not "in a place" where she can be very affectionate. It seems like at some level you recognize this, and certainly quitting drinking is a big step for some people. Nonetheless, your needs in the relationship are not being met. I think that's probably clear to her as well after e.g. texts like that.

If you want things to work out, to my mind the approach here is to continue to give her space WHILE continuing to communicate about your desire for greater affection. She MAY come around, may not. It remains to be seen.

How long you give this (or whether you even continue trying) is of course up to you. You were engaged, so its clear there was an intent to settle down together. However, you're not even married and yet you're already hitting a major "rough patch". It's unfortunately a tricky situation in that there's not a lot of clarity (yet?) on how things will go.

I will say that you probably don't want to be in a marriage where your needs genuinely aren't being met to a reasonable extent, as that's generally a recipe for unhappiness. Things change, and one never knows how it will be 20 years down the road, but if you're not happy at the start while still engaged, it's certainly a bad sign. The flip side is there seems to be some hope at least that this is transitory in your specific case?

I have also pictured our long term relationship and have the same thoughts!  My hope is this is a transitional phase due to the new sobriety! However her total lack of effort worries me! I also don’t want to end up a door mat by being the only one putting in effort and falling into a routine of that!

 

thank you for your input!

[Champ10]

7 hours ago, BrinnM said:

First of all - she did answer you. What other answer did you expect? And why are you asking these questions in the first place, let alone by text? No offense, but to me it seems a little needy & insecure …… and she’s probably exhausted having to respond to your insecurities. 
In any case - things like that are best addressed in person, not by text, otherwise they come across almost like interview questions. Let the conversation flow more freely, in person, and make it a positive one. What are our future goals? What do we  like about each other? Do we get our needs met? What do we expect? All questions that can be addressed in a natural conversation, when you cook together or go for a walk together. Doesn’t need to be an overly serious “we need to sit down and talk” event. Nobody likes that, and it won’t help with the bonding.

I’m also a little bit concerned (but I don’t know maybe I’m making a bigger deal out of it than necessary, as I wasn’t there), but with regards to the youngest child: were you supportive or were you critical of that child? ——> because that can turn a woman off as well, even if she struggles; she doesn’t need her partner’s criticism, but his support. And he needs to love or at least like her children. 

You’re right! I am insecure! How could I not be when there appears to be a lack of interest? 
 

I do agree that those questions should have been an in person conversation! We have had talks in person as well. I don’t remember the circumstances around the text as to why I sent in text. I normally would not do that! 
 

I love your suggestion about a better way to have those conversations! I do my best to not “talk at her” but have conversations about it. I don’t beat a subject to death. No one likes that either!

 

As far as her son goes, we have very different parenting styles. She also shuts down when someone questions her parenting due to her families involvement with her first child! She had asked for my help with him at one point. “Do whatever you have to”! I never yelled but was consistent! After a few months she basically ended my authority. There were never any suggestions or corrections on how I was handling it. Yes, again, lack of communication! I now do not get involved unless there is a safety issue. 

[basil67]

28 minutes ago, Champ10 said:

As far as her son goes, we have very different parenting styles. She also shuts down when someone questions her parenting due to her families involvement with her first child! She had asked for my help with him at one point. “Do whatever you have to”! I never yelled but was consistent! After a few months she basically ended my authority. There were never any suggestions or corrections on how I was handling it. Yes, again, lack of communication! I now do not get involved unless there is a safety issue. 

Parenting styles which are so different should be a dealbreaker in a relationship.  You've already seen that the two of you can't live together.   I understand that you're insecure about what's going on, but why are you determined to stay with a woman who you can't live with?

Your partner is concerned that you're not doing AA.  Would you define yourself as an alcoholic?  Or did you quit so that you can support her on her journey?   And if you do think you have a problem with alcohol and might relapse, have you looked at alternatives to AA?  There are plenty of alternative drug/alcohol therapies available. 

 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Champ10 said:

. She also shuts down when someone questions her parenting 

Try to take a break and step back. Focus solely on your physical and mental health and sobriety.

Her child is her responsibility and priority. Only she and the father have a say in this.  It's good she moved out, but that was only the first indication that the relationship is limping along.

You may have to reconcile within yourself that it's not working out for so many reasons.

Focus on you for now until you stabilize the sobriety. Making major decisions while you're in the throes of conquering an addiction isn't a good idea. Try to secure more support for your health and goals. There's no rush.