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Living with his ex

missAnthrope33

By missAnthrope33
in Marriage and Life Partnerships

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missAnthrope33 Member

missAnthrope33

Posted
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Hey everyone, this is a post for opinions regarding my current relationship so I can show my partner.

We have been seeing each other for nearly a year. When we first got together he was separating from his wife who he had been with since they were teenagers (she had cheated and abandoned him multiple times). It seemed to be messy and at first he was still trying to keep me hidden from her until I lost my s*** at him and nearly ended us. Because he didn't want to lose me, he told her a out me and because of the housing crisis we now all live together with their three children.

So for the last 6 months I have tried everything to create healthy-ish boundaries but he refuses to see any opinion otner than his own. His ex-wife locks me out, destroys my things, tells lies about me and continues to sneak into our bed whenever I am not here (I have two children I regularly spend time with including overnights). I have caught him lying to me about them sleeping together at the start of our relationship and she still behaves as if she's just waiting for him to dump me and the two of them will be together again. He continues to let her cook for him, buy him things and carry out business exchanges for him. Sometimes when she thinks I'm leaving she will be nice to me and offer me what she cooks (I decline) but all other times she hates me and withholds food like she thinks it's a punishment.

He will never call her out when she lies or even steals from him. She has smashed windows and walls during her pathetic tantrums and he doesn't seem to care but I know if I did anything similar he would yell at me and even tell me to leave. We have been up and down for last few months and during that time he has dumped me 3 or 4 times, dropping me off while I cry and doesn't even flinch. But every time I miss him and he ends up coming to see me and bringing me back to his house. But while I'm gone I feel like he makes her think I'm gone for good and probably sleeps with her- even making a joke about not wanting a blowjob from her  evauseher teeth are rotten... [ ] 

All of this isn't even half of what I put up with and every time I try to get through to him he tells me I'm overreacting and sympathises with her! It hurts and makes me furious, and recently I told him she has to go. He doesn't want to lose the kids so he said no and now she walks around smug [ ]  telling me she's "NEVER going anywhere".

Our relationship won't last much longer as I can't put up with being disrespected for much longer and have asked him to do something about it... unfortunately I don't think he will. So can someone please please reply with any advice or at least tell him its not right because apparently it's all me and I'm nearly done with it all.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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BrinnM Established Member

BrinnM

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My advice: Move out!

It sounds like you moved in with them into their house. That’s just nuts. 

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basil67 Established Member

basil67

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It is nothing short of bizarre that you continue to live in this situation.  I'm hoping that you haven't exposed your children to this environment.

Edited by basil67
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missAnthrope33 Member

missAnthrope33

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No, that's why I leave to see my children. 

Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

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1 hour ago, missAnthrope33 said:

 because of the housing crisis we now all live together with their three children. I have two children I regularly spend time with including overnights).

Where did you live before? Where do your children live? Do you have friends or family you can stay with until you find appropriate housing?  Do you work? Do you have a car? If you are having difficulty finding appropriate housing, go to social services for help. You can apply for low income housing, get financial and housing assistance, help with medical insurance and food stamps. There's no reason to live with him and his family.

basil67 Established Member

basil67

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So let's roll it back a bit:  The situation sounds horrible and you've got nothing nice to say about either of them.  So after you leave, why do you go back?  

@Wiseman2 asks some good questions, particularly whether or not you've got somewhere else to stay and whether you've got work and/or a car.

Are you in the US and can access supports like Wiseman mentioned?  Assuming there's no waitlists for housing, it could make a world of difference to being able to escape.  Or are you somewhere else which has affordable housing waitlists which are years long and you'd end up living in a car or a tent?  I hope not :(

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missAnthrope33 Member

missAnthrope33

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I do have somewhere else to stay but I want to be with him... it would feel like we were going backwards if I left again. 

I know this sounds silly but I have had such strong feelings for him from the moment I saw him. Like we didn't even speak and I thought it mustbe like what they mean say love at first sight.

This post is me basically asking for back up because I feel like he's only been with her and the entire time we dysfunctional at best (she also confirmed), so he doesntseem to know or  are for healthy boundaries or compromise. 

Edited by missAnthrope33
basil67 Established Member

basil67

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You're trying to polish a turd.  There's no backup I can possibly give which would make an iota of difference.

 

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Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

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1 hour ago, missAnthrope33 said:

I do have somewhere else to stay but I want to be with him... 

Unfortunately living in chaos as a threesome isn't working out for anyone. Move back to were you were until he's free and clear. Focus on your life, your child, your career, your interests, your friends and family and most of all your physical and mental health. There's no purpose trying to live with them. It's generating distress and conflicts.  "Healthy boundaries" would be for you to move out.

Edited by Wiseman2
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JTSW Established Member

JTSW

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No-one in their right mind would ever do what you are doing.

Living in the same house with your man and his wife? HELL NO!

He prioritises her over you.

He cares more about her than you.

He treats you like crap.

Are you for real here?

Why the hell are you doing this?

He will never chose you over her so it's time you got the hell out of there.

This is crazy behavior.

 

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missAnthrope33 Member

missAnthrope33

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Thanks for not being nasty... I appreciate it

JTSW Established Member

JTSW

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9 minutes ago, missAnthrope33 said:

Thanks for not being nasty... I appreciate it

I'm not being nasty (I apologise if it appears that way).

I think you deserve better than this.

You are too good for him and you shouldn't have to compete with and live in his marriage with her.

I am so baffled why you chose to live this way.

It's messed up.

You need to leave there ASAP and get far away from them.

I know you want to be with him but he doesn't want to be you as much as he wants to be with her.

 

Edited by JTSW
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glows Established Member

glows

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Hey OP,

I’m curious what you see happening here as she’s clearly not leaving the marital home and he’s not leaving or moving out either. They have children together and are using it as an excuse to remain in this living situation. 

You will continue to be the mistress or be treated as disposable because they both have a home they don’t/won’t give up together. Their unit as a family is safe but you’re not and seem to be in an unstable and precarious situation. You’ll have to remove the love goggles for a second and see the practicalities here. 

Remember that a man who continues to badmouth his ex isn’t over her either. Not to mention a host of other issues such as continuing to live with her or enjoy her cooking regularly. They do have a home and a family together. 

Why not move on with your life and give this a break? Make a clean break and block any messages that come in. Work on your own divorce if it’s ongoing as I see you have kids too. Remember you don’t need a man or a partner to make yourself whole. 

Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

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12 hours ago, missAnthrope33 said:

because of the housing crisis . I have two children I regularly spend time with including overnights.

Where do your children live and who has primary custody? You mentioned housing crisis. Where did you live before and where do you stay to see your children? Do you have scheduled visitation?

Acacia98 Established Member

Acacia98

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Why on earth would you want to be with someone who had to be taught what a healthy relationship with boundaries looked like by a bunch of strangers on an online forum? 

And what on earth is keeping you in this crazy situation? Don't say it's your love for him. It is possible to be in love and to love and respect yourself. But you just don't seem to value yourself. Your self-esteem must be extremely low for you to accept to live in this kind of self-destructive chaos. You deserve better OP. And you're not going to get anything better from this couple and their toxic relationship. Take control of your life, and remove yourself from that situation.

ShyViolet Established Member

ShyViolet

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14 hours ago, missAnthrope33 said:

So for the last 6 months I have tried everything to create healthy-ish boundaries but he refuses to see any opinion otner than his own.

Healthy-ish boundaries, are you kidding?  It is impossible to create any kind of boundaries in this completely dysfunctional and crazy situation you are choosing to live in.  No one with any self-respect would have entered into this situation in the first place.  The solution is simple, you need to move out immediately and not see this guy anymore.  And don't date again until you get into some serious therapy to learn to make better choices in the future.  This behavior is not normal.

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BrinnM Established Member

BrinnM

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15 hours ago, missAnthrope33 said:

But while I'm gone I feel like he makes her think I'm gone for good and probably sleeps with her- even making a joke about not wanting a blowjob from her bc teeth are rotten...

Nice guy. Classy!

10 hours ago, missAnthrope33 said:

I do have somewhere else to stay but I want to be with him... it would feel like we were going backwards if I left again. 

What did his wife say when he invited you to live with them? Was she ok with it? This is such an unhealthy life choice, I don’t even know what to say. Is this about sharing their bills? If they’re in financial trouble, please consider that you might be used to share their bills. Just spitballing here, but I’ve got no idea why she would agree to this, and you for that matter. I hear you when you say you’d feel like you’re going “backwards”, and that you want to be with him. But what you should explore is why you want to be with him. What does he have to offer? Because what he should do is make a plan (like yesterday), get a divorce, split assets if there are any, and look for his own place. He doesn’t do any of this, although his wife is aware of this “side” relationship? What’s her incentive to stay in this very damaging situation, and are these people not thinking about their kids at all? Who the heck do the kids think you are? The nanny?

So many questions……

Edited by BrinnM
Alpacalia Established Member

Alpacalia

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Posted (edited)

This is horrible.

She destroys your items, windows and sneaks into your bed.

I realize it is easy for someone not involved to suggest, but I'd be out of there so fast you would see a trail of smoke behind me!

Absolutely terrifying.

I wish that you and your children are able to find an escape from this situation.

Edited by Alpacalia
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missAnthrope33 Member

missAnthrope33

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1 hour ago, BrinnM said:

Nice guy. Classy!

What did his wife say when he invited you to live with them? Was she ok with it? This is such an unhealthy life choice, I don’t even know what to say. Is this about sharing their bills? If they’re in financial trouble, please consider that you might be used to share their bills. Just spitballing here, but I’ve got no idea why she would agree to this, and you for that matter. I hear you when you say you’d feel like you’re going “backwards”, and that you want to be with him. But what you should explore is why you want to be with him. What does he have to offer? Because what he should do is make a plan (like yesterday), get a divorce, split assets if there are any, and look for his own place. He doesn’t do any of this, although his wife is aware of this “side” relationship? What’s her incentive to stay in this very damaging situation, and are these people not thinking about their kids at all? Who the heck do the kids think you are? The nanny?

So many questions……

She was weird - nice to me then mad at me, then brings me coffee in bed, then hates me.... I will reiterate they are supposed to be separated and she's literally done worse to him, she even told me herself. She once said to me, "i have no one to serve, I feel so lost".... the kids know Im their dads girlfriend

BrinnM Established Member

BrinnM

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Posted (edited)

Okay - that’s so disturbing. The fact she brings you coffee to bed gives me the impression that she thinks you guys are in a somewhat sister-wife-ish relationship. Did you guys not clue her in? That’s just all so wrong. 

Edited by BrinnM
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LynneVicious Established Member

LynneVicious

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He’s a married man. And you’re living with him and his wife. This is about as dysfunctional as it gets. You need to leave. For good. Find a single man without this drama and give yourself and your kids stability. 

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ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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Posted
13 hours ago, missAnthrope33 said:

This post is me basically asking for back up

The only stance I would back up is your decision to leave this loser. 

Yes, he is a loser. He treats you like dirt and very cleary doesn't love you. You are merely the third wheel in their toxic open marriage. You need to get out and straight into a therapist's office, to work on your self-esteem in a huge way. There is no way you should ever have accepted this sort of messed-up arrangement.

I feel sorry for his kids, who are clearly exposed to this chaos. 

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stillafool Established Member

stillafool

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You say you go to visit with your kids and stay overnight.  Can provide you a place to stay?  To answer your question, yes they are having sex and sleeping together while you are away and probably right under your nose.  Sooner or later you will have to go because you're the third wheel and it's doubtful hee's going to divorce her for you.  Is there an age difference between the two of you?  It sound like he has young children and

yours are grown?

Edited by stillafool
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Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

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5 hours ago, missAnthrope33 said:

She was weird - nice to me then mad at me, then brings me coffee in bed, then hates me...

Does everyone have their own bedroom? 

stillafool Established Member

stillafool

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Posted
22 hours ago, missAnthrope33 said:

No, that's why I leave to see my children. 

Where and who do your children live with?

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