glows Posted March 22, 2023 Share Posted March 22, 2023 (edited) 9 hours ago, missAnthrope33 said: She was weird - nice to me then mad at me, then brings me coffee in bed, then hates me.... I will reiterate they are supposed to be separated and she's literally done worse to him, she even told me herself. She once said to me, "i have no one to serve, I feel so lost".... the kids know Im their dads girlfriend Yes. The unhappy, often displaced girlfriend. If he’s slandering his wife while he’s with you I’m nearly 100% certain he’s slandering you too and saying all kinds of nasty things about you to his wife and his kids. Not to mention he yells at you (verbally abusive), has dumped you multiple times and treats you horribly. That’s what the kids, his and yours see. My heart goes out to you. I think your self-esteem is so destroyed and shattered and you may be addicted to this dysfunction. I strongly suggest therapy and if this isn’t an option, cut off all contact with this man and start rehabilitating yourself with better habits. Better company. Edited March 22, 2023 by glows 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted March 22, 2023 Share Posted March 22, 2023 16 hours ago, missAnthrope33 said: She was weird - nice to me then mad at me, then brings me coffee in bed, then hates me.... I will reiterate they are supposed to be separated and she's literally done worse to him, she even told me herself. She once said to me, "i have no one to serve, I feel so lost".... She is deliberately messing with your head, and it's working. Creating a false sense of security then trashes your things. They are definitely not separated. He favours her over you so I'm baffled why you are there. You are so blinded by your feelings for him that you can't see that you're being used. Link to post Share on other sites
Author missAnthrope33 Posted March 22, 2023 Author Share Posted March 22, 2023 20 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Does everyone have their own bedroom? Yes we all have separate rooms 18 hours ago, stillafool said: Where and who do your children live with? My children live with their dad - I had some mental health issues a few years ago when my mama passed away so at that time it was better for them to be with him as he has a stable home and supportive family. Link to post Share on other sites
Author missAnthrope33 Posted March 22, 2023 Author Share Posted March 22, 2023 (edited) 12 hours ago, JTSW said: She is deliberately messing with your head, and it's working. Creating a false sense of security then trashes your things. They are definitely not separated. He favours her over you so I'm baffled why you are there. You are so blinded by your feelings for him that you can't see that you're being used. I agree with you and I'm starting to dislike myself because I can realise all the things people have said here and I still tell myself I love hi, because it was great before I started living here. I know why that was the case too and yet here I am. I am doing my best to make myself leave but I'm shook because every time I've left before I've been pathetically inconsolable. And guys, how is it ,y self esteem if I truly believe I'm [ ] awesome... lol. Not to toot ,y own horn but I'm confident and I like my personality... I was reading recently about ptsd and borderline personality disorder and it seems like childhood trauma might be making me codependent and yes perhaps attract dysfunction as a habit... but I know I'm worth more which is why I've been fighting it the whole time. Yesterday he literally he doesn't want to be with me if I keep having such a problem with her and said "well [leave] when I said everything about this isn't ok with me.... How do I give up without giving up...? Edited March 22, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator language Link to post Share on other sites
lonelyplanetmoon Posted March 23, 2023 Share Posted March 23, 2023 What??? But why? It is just all so wrong. Take responsibility for yourself girl. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
IrinaM Posted March 23, 2023 Share Posted March 23, 2023 7 hours ago, missAnthrope33 said: Yes we all have separate rooms why don't you share a bedroom with your boyfriend? Since he's separated from his wife and all the kids know your arrangement, it would make more sense to share a room with your boyfriend that you love with. Link to post Share on other sites
Author missAnthrope33 Posted March 23, 2023 Author Share Posted March 23, 2023 1 hour ago, IrinaM said: why don't you share a bedroom with your boyfriend? Since he's separated from his wife and all the kids know your arrangement, it would make more sense to share a room with your boyfriend that you love with. I do.... everyone elsechad separate rooms Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted March 23, 2023 Share Posted March 23, 2023 Giving up without giving up means acknowledging that leaving a toxic relationship is not a sign of weakness, but rather one of bravery. What kind of support system do you have? Are there any friends or family members? Take ownership of your own actions and decisions. While it's not your fault that you fell in love with someone who turned out to be toxic, leaving that person is your responsibility. Taking care of yourself and being happy are your responsibilities. You're relying on someone else to rescue you from a difficult situation or to make you happy which landed you exactly where you are now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author missAnthrope33 Posted March 23, 2023 Author Share Posted March 23, 2023 (edited) [ ] AND THIS POST WAS FOR HELP BACKING UP BASIC RELATIONSHIP EXPECTATIONS- NOT AN INTERVENTION ON LEAVING ALTHOUGH I HAVE BEEN CONSIDERING IT.... Edited March 24, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator civility Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 23, 2023 Share Posted March 23, 2023 (edited) You are not going to find anyone who would back you up on this, because nobody in their right mind would accept such a toxic, dysfunctional relationship. Sorry, OP. This is a complete mess and the only viable option is to get away from these two weirdos and get some real help for yourself. 3 hours ago, missAnthrope33 said: I literally saw him and was head over heels So? All this suggests is that you have a very unhealthy idea of what love is. He doesn't feel the same way about you and you're only hurting yourself by refusing to see it. Edited March 23, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator removed reference to deleted post 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted March 23, 2023 Share Posted March 23, 2023 He’s not available. He’s not going to divorce her. please find a safe place to go asap - this is a toxic environment and certainly NOT normal! do you work full time? Can you support yourself? by the way - any time I was head over heels about any guy - it made me make really stupid decisions for myself! this guy is a jerk who doesn’t need to change a thing… but you stay there even though the whole situation is abusive to you. Start changing everything - get out asap. Stay with a friend or family member until you create a stable home environment for yourself that is safe and protected from folks like this current toxic situation. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted March 23, 2023 Share Posted March 23, 2023 You know it’s toxic - because you can’t even bring your kids there. That should tell you how wrong this situation is for everyone involved. Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted March 23, 2023 Share Posted March 23, 2023 13 hours ago, missAnthrope33 said: Yesterday he literally he doesn't want to be with me if I keep having such a problem with her and said "well [leave] when I said everything about this isn't ok with me.... Hun, why are you still there? He literally said 'he doesn't want to be with you' meaning he would chose her over you anytime. He clearly doesn't care what she puts you through yet he stands up for her every time. You said you have someone to stay with so please pack up and go there today/tonight. You are worth so much more than these two and deserve so much better than this. I wish I could give you a hug so I can tell you it will be OK once you are out of there. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 23, 2023 Share Posted March 23, 2023 14 hours ago, missAnthrope33 said: he doesn't want to be with me if I keep having such a problem with her and said "well [leave] when I said everything about this isn't ok with me.... Unfortunately either of them can ask you to leave at any time since it's their house. Try to secure help from social services regarding housing, food, medical care, financial assistance. If you have friends or family you can stay with in the meantime, reach out and ask for help. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 23, 2023 Share Posted March 23, 2023 8 hours ago, missAnthrope33 said: In what way? Like I said, I literally saw him and was head over heels... take responsibility for loving someone who doesn't treat you right? Sounds like victim blaming, but you don't feel like,e you're rude lol By leaving and not just saying you're too weak to be without him. Your mental health is still suffering being where you're not wanted. If you can stand being away from your kids, you can stand to be away from him. They are more important, right? He has told you to leave and he means it. It's only a matter of time until she's back sleeping with him in their room and you're put out. He doesn't respect you because what you're doing to be with him is not respectable. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted March 23, 2023 Share Posted March 23, 2023 (edited) 17 hours ago, missAnthrope33 said: How do I give up without giving up...? Leaving a toxic environment and relationship is not 'giving up', it's taking control of your life to turn it into something better. I'd prefer living under a bridge than to be the 'joke' of these 2. So you were hit by lust at first sight when you met him, that means nothing, it's just a chemical reaction in our brain indicating we're good to have sex together. You don't lose your self-worth over lust. There is nothing lost here, you have everything good in life to gain by leaving. Edited March 23, 2023 by Gaeta 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 23, 2023 Share Posted March 23, 2023 On 3/20/2023 at 7:38 PM, missAnthrope33 said: I have tried everything to create healthy-ish boundaries “Heathy-ish” boundaries are not possible when you are living in a home with your partner’s wife (they are still married, are they not? Separated, but not divorced?). On 3/20/2023 at 7:38 PM, missAnthrope33 said: every time I miss him and he ends up coming to see me and bringing me back to his house. You need to leave and never go back. It’s not his decision, it’s yours. Wow. Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted March 23, 2023 Share Posted March 23, 2023 On 3/20/2023 at 10:09 PM, missAnthrope33 said: This post is me basically asking for back up because I feel like he's only been with her and the entire time we dysfunctional at best (she also confirmed), so he doesntseem to know or are for healthy boundaries or compromise. I'm sorry, but YOU need healthy boundaries for your own well being. Your boundaries are your own responsibility. It's not appropriate for you to be living with him, his ex, and their children. Yes, he and she both sound like complete disasters. Why did you decide to join their circus? I know, you wanted to be with him, but this is unrealistic and you need to move out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 24, 2023 Share Posted March 24, 2023 On 3/21/2023 at 1:02 PM, missAnthrope33 said: I will reiterate they are supposed to be separated Separated is not divorced. And separated and still living together means he is not ready to date - let alone be in another relationship. A healthy boundary here would have been you saying - “I’m not dating, certainly not living with, a man who is still living with his wife.” 3 Link to post Share on other sites
OurLoveTurnsToRust Posted March 24, 2023 Share Posted March 24, 2023 If he had ANY respect or love for you, he would create a better and more stable situation for you both, without it, your relationship is stifled, it has 0% chance of survival. Seems to me he wants it all, and in doing so, is taking advantage of your feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
OurLoveTurnsToRust Posted March 24, 2023 Share Posted March 24, 2023 (edited) Furthermore, I feel so sorry for the kids, this has to be impacting them negatively as well, YOU are contributing to that. Edited March 24, 2023 by OurLoveTurnsToRust 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lisa Posted March 24, 2023 Senior Moderators Share Posted March 24, 2023 This thread has had a clean up and has now been closed. You have given the OP much to consider - thank you for your participation Link to post Share on other sites
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